September 30, 2008

Mango Tree Moonbat!……

Caller:  Hi, I’m staying at Gecko this weekend and want to know if I can pay using my credit card…

Paul: No, I’m sorry we dont take cards yet…

Caller: Do you know the nearest place that I can use my card to take out cash?

Paul: Yes, Mangochi.

Caller: (after a long pause) ... but how do we know which mango-tree..?

Paul: I said MANGOCHI not mango- tree you fool!!!

Caller: Oh, Im sorry I thought you said...... ... ...

Spo | September 30, 2008 | Comments

April 1, 2008

Parents arrived africa….

I’ve been a tad useless with the regularity of writing of late - getting into the groove of things again requires spare moments of the day - now the folks are here in Africa for the first time - lost luggage, dirty dusty dirt roads, wandering aimless folk and goats all over the place, baking hot sun, breakdowns, power cuts...... welcome to Africa Mum and Dad....

Sent to test us - all at once?

How the gods conspired to create such misfortune over one 12 hour period I don’t know - some serious planning and meeting of mischievous minds methinks - I’m trying to say that bring the day and the light and all will be different - yet all I can hear are the subtle insinuations that life out here is a mistake and I should get myself back across the waters and find my way back in into the rat race.

Of course this the holiday when judgement shall be passed upon my decision to ditch it all and uproot to the dark continent with little or no gaurentee that my future will fit together as perfectly as the western world planned it would - question at the end of it all is:

Does anyone else’s approval really matter? free to make my mistakes and my fortunes as I please I tell myself.

However, in the end I see the same things they see and can appreciate their angle of choice as well.

I’m not convinced it’s the future as of yet either.

But it’s certainly the here and now.

So they should kick back and enjoy, drink a G&T and savour the sunsets.

and Let me worry about the future, not them.

But that’s why they’re parents, right? judge and worry......

Sent to test us!.....

....and love us all the same.

Spo | April 1, 2008 | Comments

March 19, 2008

Heading to the big Wknd…..

It’s not so much the celebration of the re-birth of Christ as more or a 5 day partying marathon - it’s Easter - and in Malawi that means no work on Friday or Monday & everyone is in the country and at the lake - and this wknd most of the people doing so will be with us at Gecko Lounge.

Expecting more than 300 people we will probably be busier than New Year and therefore the list of things to do are as follows:

• Build a Braii for Saturdays Carlsberg Beach Braii.
• Build a volleyball court.
• Buy another 500 beers so we walk in with 2000 in stock.
• Fix Carlsberg Fridge that blew up last night - persuade them to steal one from the Reggae Bar down the road to replace it.
• Find mattress and bedding for 6 people as we have 19 in a dorm fit for 11, 6 people in a chalet fit for 4 and 4 people in the other chalet.
• Fix up dodgy planks near DJ booth so we do not send enthusiastic dancers through the floor on Saturday.
• Put in bamboo & Reed walls around the captains table.
• Get part sent from South Africa for the ice machine and then get technicians to fix it! (not likely)
• Make lots of ice then.....
• Fix lighting and locks on toilets so people stop peeing on the floor all the time while folk walk in on them.
• Fix the hinges and re-hang the main gate so people can actually get in to the bar with their car.
• Fix the gate to the backyard staff private area so everyone stops wandering into the land of the broken bits and pieces all the time.
• Paint and fix sign for toilets so everyone stops wandering into Paul’s room all the time.
• Find small carpenter fellow and get shelving put in DJ booth.
• Find tall electrician fellow and get him to fix up lighting in the DJ booth.
• Buy a new Amp that can handle 4 speakers and won’t cut out every five minutes.
• Find and rescue Kevin from J’brg to Blantyre trip from hell and then get him a lift to the lake.
• Find and rescue mini-crouch from J’brg to Blantyre trip from hell and then get him a lift to the lake.
• Get DJ Lomwe a CD mixer & get him a lift to the lake.
• Get a new DSTV decoder from South Africa and get it to the lake so we can watch Liverpool Vs Man Utd on Sunday.
• Get Big Huge Baby eating Bouncers from Blantyre up here.
• Hire police for the night as well.
• Get Speaker cable and mend that big speaker by the bar.
• Getting plumbers to fix the toilet that someone managed to break last time we had a big one at the weekend - how does someone crack a ceramic toilet bowl???

eeeeessssshhhhhh

Spo | March 19, 2008 | Comments

March 15, 2008

Back in the Game….. Mawa maybe

Indeed I have missed writing - yet with such changes and upheaval over the last 6 months I’ve had no time to indulge - I figured the best thing was to get things in order, find the pace and play of the day, get comfortable and then with the main Gecko lounge site redesign start afresh - with a bit of a refit of this site as well - and so the “lackadaisical lounge” becomes “days at the lake” - the trials tibulations and general tomfoolery of running a beach bar in Africa - bit of a drastic change to the former world of tea tasting, I trust you’ll agree.

With everything now falling into place and all I must do is dedicate time each day or so to sit and type and see where it takes me - as I used to do while living in the lands of Nam, indo, Holland & UK etc - a good break from reality every so often and an invaluable record of my time here to look back on over the years to come.

So back I am and changed for the better - plenty to tell - but all in good time - malawi time is such that indeed it will get done - and while when is the question - that it will happen there is no doubt.

Zikomo.

Spo | March 15, 2008 | Comments

September 28, 2007

This is officially the last day before the rest of my life…….

I’ve been up down all around over and under these last few fantatstic weeks in the UK - pretty much caught up with all I could, competed with Lucy on meet the parent style gatehrings of note, bought all that was needed for Gecko, drew lines under all financial obligations and signed all necessary forms to enable my escape: Flight booked for 730pm this evening - arrive Malawi mawa morning - a Malawi Gin bottle or two will be empty Saturday evening for sure-sure.

Busta Rhymes John will be there to collect us in the new Spo Mobile and then we head off to the Lake, Gecko Lounge and the future.

So many plans so much to say - and once settled atfer Lake of Satrs on October the 5th, I’ll be back writing again on a regular basis from the shores of lake Malawi too.

Take care to all those I’ll be leaving - and heads up to all those I’ll be seeing soon - no longer an international tea taster, now a full time beach bar running sunshine monkey.

Bringing forth further escapades & adventures of note.

Spo | September 28, 2007 | Comments

August 22, 2007

This is officially my last ever day as a Tea Taster……

Crikey Moses.

Definitely no turning back now.

Spo | August 22, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

August 9, 2007

Freshly Ground at the Paradiso….

At the Paradiso in Amsterdam Funky new phenomenon from South Africa, Freshly Ground (click) cooked up something very special for a dutch crowd that was hard to impress, but very much won over by the end.

The Paradiso isn’t huge but it’s big enough for about 800-1000 or so I think if they had the balcony area open up top - early doors it was about half full on the floor which swelled to 3/4 once they got going - dutch crowds are hard work to impress - don’t let themselves go too much - even at the Chemical brothers when that kind of behaviour is more or less mandatory - Here though Freshly Ground definitely won them over - huge applause and reaction at the end for the encore - lots of people dancing - band seemed like they were not expecting it to be that big either, they genuinely loved that people knew the words and the songs despite the fact they’re still not that well known in this part of the world.

Zolani’s amazing voice filled the room and the whole bands love of performing and the music really came across - they’re big personalties and so talented live - so many instruments and the dance sequences got that OK!GO! off the cuff vibe to them - so much energy - the bass player looks like an overwieght zany surfer dude but he really went for it - best part was during “Do-Be-Do” (video below) when the keyboard baldy guy comes out and dances with the two girls - really went for it with the right amount of reality (ie: you could see it’s not really reheraresed to perfection but they know where each others going).

They played “Mowbray Kap” and gave a big shout out for Malawi - that was the biggest tune of the night actually in terms of response - “Do-Be-Do” was class as well - and some of the new stuff sounds excellent if not quite up to how much I love Nomvula - but then it’s all about repeat listening and ascociations you have with the music I think - once the new album is out in Sep we’ll get it for the travel round UKand lake of stars and probably fall in love with it as much.

I spoke to them afterwards - and told one of the two girls about Gecko and how they had to come to malawi and play lake of stars - she gave me the details of her management who we would have to contact and book through - so hopefully if we get freindly with the lake of stars people this coming October we can put them in touch for next year - also could maybe get them at the French Cultural Centre - Think Gecko may be a stretch too far though!!!! would be so good if we could.... best way to see them would be in Africa with the sun shining and dancing all around.

Below is their vid for their biggest smash so far and a real floor filler - “Do-Be-Do”.

They do deserve to be huge - don’t think anyone could be disappointed if they bought “Nomvula” - you seriously check them out.

Spo | August 9, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Film / TV / Music

August 7, 2007

Absinthe makes the heart grow wronger……

Never have I been so sick, so much in such a short space of time - Absinthe is now a mortal foe far more feared than any other potent alcoholic shot of death - I thought the Flaming Lamborghini was bad (rum/tequila/sambuca/amarula - on fire and via a straw in all of 4 seconds) but Absinthe takes the full packet of biscuits now - and it tastes as bad as it is potent as well - an asinine acidic punch to the throat - it’s said to be 82% proof and hallucinogenic - I was seeing stars.

After the second shot no one from the group of five partaking can remember anything else from the evening - collective memory loss all round - only Anna could piece together events - wasted though she was it was still her job to try and look after me - I was in a mess you see - no food all day unless you count a piece of bread for a flyby brekkie and a few calamari rings in the bar - I arrived late thanks to Eurostar and tried to make up for lost drinking time in the only way I know how - order doubles and drink them quickly.

Absinthe arrived soon after - a bravado drink if ever there was one - from reading up on it you’re supposed to dilute with water or mix with sugar - something to do with flames etc - that makes it more palatable - it’s not best to just down the hatch - which is what we did.

Faces of Anguished horror abounded - safe to say nobody was really expecting the evil now within us - a cooling off period was padded out with Tequila, Sambuca and everyone’s usual’s like my double JD’s and coke - eventually some Moonbat bought another round of Absinthe though - the same faces gathered - certainly a little more reluctantly than last time - glasses chinked - down in one.

Not quite

This time I coughed as it went down - and we all know what happens when you cough while drinking - it comes back out through your nose - that was a deep burn I tell you - Nasal passages awash with Absinthe - the horror - the burn - I’d not felt this bad since the Indonesian wasabi incident when I found out that the big glob of green stuff I’d just wolfed was not some form of strange freaky butter.

To make matters worse the absinthe runs out of my nose and back into my mouth - like doing the same shot twice in all of a few seconds - not good.

When things like that happen to you, the best thing to do is take a minute and compose yourself and then ease off the gas and get some water inside you before things go too far into the world of the wrong - too late - the body would normally have begun to take automatic precautions against further damage by implementing the vomit programme - expel the evil - but the body was still reeling from the whole absinthe out the nose incident and was not sure what the fuck had just happened - this allowed the moonbat in me to take over and pour more fuel on the fire in the form of the usual alcoholic riders of the blackout apocalypse - Sambuca, Tequila and Vodka - when the body got its bearings back, the effect was instantaneous - STOP! It’s Chin Loss Time!

One minute you’re having a conversation - well, attempting one anyway - and the next you’ve got a mouth full of sick - bit shoots out the corner of your mouth - but for the most part you’re about as golden as you can get in such a situation - exit stage right and get your monkey ass to a porcelin god - start praying.

Luckily the bar staff didn’t see - I have a snapshot recollection of this event - couple of images - nothing more - Anna was the witness - I didn’t feel proud as she regaled the tale - but she assured me there was worse to come.

There was.

Once the cacophony of gibbons making up our group had been removed from the bar, we attempted taxi hailing and after a lot of lucking out managed to persuade one foolish individual that we were worth a shot at the title - must of been a slow night and he needed to up the takings, so ended up risking it.

Bad move.

Apparently I opened the door of the taxi as it slowed - hurled like a champion - and then followed the vomit right out the cab door - landed in my own sick - bust my knee and rolled into the path of oncoming traffic.

Saved from death I was, but taxi driver had seen enough and a compromise of dropping us in clapham at Georges was reached instead.

I imagine it was probably this point at which I was nothing more than a liability to my friends and in particular Anna, whose house in Kingston we were heading back to at the time - there’s a few times I can pick out during all the time I’ve known her (19 years) where she would probably of been considering the continuation of our friendship - one is when I was so far gone on Tequila that I upchucked over her net curtains in Bournemouth before trying to bite people who tried to assist me - another is when I lost track of time having a hangover breakfast with Coops up in Edinburgh and, because Anna is a true friend and didn’t want to leave without me, consequently made us all miss our flight back to London which was then followed by an Easyjet classic 15 hour delay - 15 hours - you can’t ever say sorry enough for that - there’s nothing you can do or say that’s going to alter the fact that the reason everyone is sitting in a departure lounge for 15 hours is the fact you, and you alone, are a massive idiot of galactic proportions.

I think this particular Absinthe Friday may now be added to the list.

Especially when they managed to get me into the house and I threw up all over Georges floor - the deluge of which Anna stemmed with one G’s saucepans.

I was put to bed - fell out of bed - made new bed out of Dave Jenkins washing on the floor - people tried to put me back in the bed - I tried to bite them - eventually I was overpowered and passed out.

Next morning I awoke to find Bear lying next to me in a bed and room I did not recognise - I quickly realised that I had no idea about how I had got here or what had happened from around midnight onwards - nor whose T-shirt it was I was now wearing.

Minds were more or less blank when it came to fellow Absinners Bear, G and Lockey (who had thought his car had been stolen so drunkenly argued with police until they established it had in fact been towed - was going to cost him 260 quid - and was now in Milwall) - I had no idea what happened to Barnes whose birthday it was - he must of been lost in the ether.

Absintheless Anna explained what had gone on - none of it good basically.

My knee was in the first stages of swelling to balloon proportions and my head felt like brass band playing mice on amphetamines had infiltrated my brain - and I smelled pretty bad - good night then.

Perhaps Anna decided it’s too late to change the friends you have for life and so therefore is still speaking to me.

Absinthe makes the heart go wronger - never ever, ever again.

Sorry Anna - I will indeed make it up to you one day. Promise.

Spo | August 7, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion

August 2, 2007

Kill it! Kill it! Die! Die!

text rcvd around 6pm: “I have a MAHUSIVE spider in the kitchen and I’m laughing coz I know you’d be saying “Oh Fuck Me! he’s a big one, no! use a proper shoe not a flip-flop, Kill it! Kill it! Die! Die!” and other equally stupid things whilst dancing about like a muppet..... awwww… x”

She doesn’t appreciate how bad my arachnaphobia actually is...............

and that Spiders have eight legs and eight eyes....

FUCKING EIGHT OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!

Spo | August 2, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni

August 1, 2007

Sitting on the dock of the Bay…..

The American Millionaire (JT Walsh) sat on the docks next to the Mexican fisherman (Cheech Marin) as he tied his nets....

What’ll you do now?
Well I’ll tie up things here on the boat – take my catch to market – go home early afternoon and play with my kids – enjoy my wife’s cooking

Nah, Nah, Nah – you don’t want to do that – you want to work the rest of the morning – catch more fish and spend the whole afternoon in the market and let your wife take care of the kids.... tell me my twirly mustached munchachou - what else you do with your day?
Well after my wife and I eat, I go to the bar play guitar and drink Tequila with my friends
Nah Nah Nah – you don’t want to do that – you want to go jogging – do some exercise get to bed early – alcohol is really bad for you – your friends are holding you back
Really?
Yeah – look here’s what you should be doing Ok? You make enough money at the market to hire another guy to run the stall – then you get back in that boat and do some more fishing for the whole of the day instead of only the morning
Uh-huh
Yeah then when you double your loads for the day you save up enough to buy another boat and hire another guy to go fish using it – take the catch to the market – pay him a wage

Oh really
Yeah and then you work towards getting a whole bunch of boats – all working for you – and all bringing the catch to the market – but there aint enough room anymore
There isn’t ?
Nah – so you gotta own the market – buy all the stalls
All of them?
Yeah and then you start getting refrigerated vans to run around – sell home delivery – start supplying fishmongers within the drive range – get all the ordering set up on the internet
Uh-huh – what’ll happen then?

Well then you start selling to super markets across Mexico
And then?
Then you go international – selling to the big U S of A,‘cross the pond
And then?
Well by then your company is running the show as far as Mexican fish goes – you got the boats, the markets, the vans, the supermarkets and the international name building a reputation – so you put that company in the big leagues – stocks and shares
Well then what?
Well then you sell my little slightly toasted Mexican friend – you sell all the shares and walk away with a fortune

Uh-huh – sounds like a lot of work – guess I’ll be pretty tired by the end of it all – what happens once the company is sold?
Well my little burrito chomping compadre, then you can do a bit of fishing, spend some time playing with your kids, put them to bed, eat a good meal with your wife, maybe get that guitar of yours and go play some tunes down at the bar, drinking tequila with your friends……

Spo | August 1, 2007 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni | Personal

July 26, 2007

Can’t Stop Movin……..

Spo | July 26, 2007 | Comments

July 25, 2007

Little Pig, Little Pig…..

Spo | July 25, 2007 | Comments

June 13, 2007

The Great Malawi Road Trip….

Have been on a Massive Road Trip all round Malawi for the last couple of weeks or so - Myself, Lucy, Loren, John Achemwene, Lockey and Patience (two friends visiting from UK) probably covered 3000km overall - working on the stories and pictures at the moment but am heading off back to the lake again for a 5 day looooonnnnnngggggg wknd tmw.

With just two wknds left before leaving for Holland and a birthday on the horizon on the 26th I may just upload the whole tale of June once back in the land of high speed connections - I do indeed have about a million pictures from all over Malawi - but the connections here are not the quickest and flickr crashing drives me mental - AHA - uploaded now! click here for the full trips worth of pics

To justify all this malarky to my employers I visited a tea plantation along the way.

In other news Hanh is out of hospital and on the road to recovery - she’s a tough little biter that one.

Also Money currently in the air for the shares in Gecko - hoping to resign and get back here by October for the Lake of Stars which is a giant 3 day outdoor DJ/live annual music festival that takes place in the North.

Told you I was serious about this.

Spo | June 13, 2007 | Comments

May 28, 2007

Dusk Brewing over Blantyre……

Spo | May 28, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

May 23, 2007

How to Rip at the Captains Table…..

Each morning at the lake Paul, Anton and myself usually sit upon the Gecko Captains table and proceed to rip the bejesus out of each other for about an hour or two - it seems to go round in circles and the ripping can swoop to the next victim at any moment if the right insult is uttered - and if you’re slow on the uptake while thinking of a chink in your opponents armour, you can just keep shouting “ahhhh! hahahahaha!” while pretending to double up in pain at the hysterical nature of the last shot fired - things get noisy and barbed insults fly - until one of us has to storm off in a huff after being beaten with a killer blow (usually Anton).

It’s also fascinating the way the allegiances switch as well - one minute Anton and Paul rip into me for being a chunky butler who looks like he’s wearing a money belt and has no game at all with women - the next Anton and I are ripping Paul for being a Goblin with a silly beard who looks like the referee Mike Riley (lots of whistles and card waving here) - and then Paul fights back and I join him in ripping Anton for having a laugh like a sea lion and wearing shoes that look like Gondola’s with a shirt that matches the table cloth and bed spreads - observe:

Spo | May 23, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

May 21, 2007

Latest Wknd at the lake……

Spo | May 21, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

May 12, 2007

Fine, Fine, Fine…..

6.35am and I’ve awoken to the sound of the lake lapping the beach, a stones throw from the door – I lackadaisically wander over to sit out on the wicker couches at the end of the veranda, take in the first Blue Peter of the day (cigarette) and take a sip of water – strange night last night – a lot of dreams about folk and places I know oh so well, yet have not seen for quite some time now – especially in UK – distinct feeling when I woke up that I’d been back that side and everyone had moved on without me – faces so familiar now just folk in the bar – a nod hello being the extent of conversation – hard to say the who’s, what’s, why’s, when’s and where’s with dreams - the vessel shipwrecks on the shores when you wake and all you are left with are fragments of the last few hours memories that then start to slowly sink beneath the surface as reality grabs a hold.

Sun is breaking slowly over the hills to the right, beams smoke through the Gecko trees as the sound of the bay coming to life filters in from the distance. Villagers can be seen up and down the shoreline doing the daily wash as kids play around them – Andrew, the cook, comes over to say hello – still beaming about the stereo I picked up for him in Blantyre – one problem is there’s no electricity in his house and the batteries required aren’t sold in the Cape – never the less the stereo is the talk of their neighborly community and his wife has been proudly showing it off – I promise I’ll sort the batteries so that his kids Colletta 4, and Clement 1, can get their groove on soon enough – for the moment he’s sticking to dancing in the kitchen, which is “fine, fine, fine” – as everything always is in the life of Andrew it seems.

James the “professor” and odd job man in general, comes over with the tea – everything is “fine, fine, fine” with James as well – he calls me professor as he greets while setting down the cups – the fact that his nickname came about due to the sudden taking up of wearing glasses despite not needing them still sails over his head – I remember the day:

“you got glasses James”
“yes”
“from the doctor here?”
“Ah no”
“from….”
“my friend – he give me for appearance only”
“so you can see perfectly OK?”
“yes”
“well why not get dark ones – you know – for the sun and everything”
“Ah no – I like these ones”
“ok”
“yes”

I have thought about trying to explain that he is the professor as he now looks more intelligent (and the irony is he’s actually as sharp as a bubble) – but James seems pretty happy with the new greeting we have established – I say “Hey Professor” – he says “Ah you, professor” and the day carries on in it’s own way.

James reminds me again to buy baseball hat for him in Blantyre – I decide that I’ll get him a Straw Tombola hat instead as it will look funnier.

Alex the gardener appears wearing Straw Tombola Hat looking ridiculous – “Muli Bwanji Alex?” - brushing the beach he looks up smiling “Ndili Bwino, fine, fine, fine” as everything always is in the world of Alex - he grins 24 hours a day it seems – could be happiness – could be mental instability – either way – he’s “fine, fine, fine”.

I make mental note to buy everyone Straw Tombola Hats.

Sun really up in its tree now around 7.15am - Gecko slowly coming to life as the characters start playing their roles around the place. I look to the lake and contemplate the daily swim around the boats. The scrawny cat from Gaia snakes between my legs and then jumps up to start walking on the keys looking for some attention – I play a while until he curls up in the corner of the chair – my work is done – we are all slaves to our cat masters.

Breakfast arrives as does Ronald the barman:

“Muli sharp asai”
“sharp”
“how’s things today?”
“ah things are fine”
“Wife and kids Ok?”
“Sure they’re fine”
“Wife still fat?”
“yes – big” (Ronald smiles and gestures to suggest she has quite an equator wrapped around her)
“good – that means you’re a rich man in this place”
“Sharp”

Breakfast of Omelet and toast along with all the usual Fry-up trimmings is shared – even the cat gets some.

I stand to take in the beginning of the day – the cat moves into freshly available warm seat – like the “walking on the keyboard to get attention” move, cats tricks such as this seem universally understood within the species – I contemplate how many cats across the world are currently pulling the same move right at this moment.

Stretching out I stare at the Gecko Tattoo on my arm – needs a touch up here and there after the first inking to fill the gaps – but once it gets drilled again that means no swimming for two or three weeks and with each weekend being lake-bound, who can say when there’ll be a gap in my busy loafing schedule.

My mind races with ideas for this place – Pushing the shop sales on the other lakeshore, the DVD rental thing, the travelers book exchange, internet café, music and film deliveries via Hard-disk sent via DHL from my contact in the UK, private cottage maintenance and kitchen delivery service, bike hire, dive platform out in the lake, pizza oven in a kitchen overhaul – I look around at the developments taking place or planned – extension of the dance-floor, overhaul and thatching of the VIP captains table drinking area, the 8 person Dormitory coming along nicely, DJ booth in the corner – consider the plans talked of in government about fixing up the road and how much extra business can come our way as a result…..

The Lake shimmers, beckoning me to take the daily dip….

Spo | May 12, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

May 10, 2007

ME KILL EVERYONE!!!!!!

I got cut off by the water board, the phone company and the DSTV people all on the same fucking morning today - and I’ve paid the fucking water board and Phone company already last week - and the DSTV is supposed to send you a little msg/bill thingy on the screen when it’s due - how can Malawi be so inefficent 90% of the time and then when it comes to money owed they’re on it like gangbusters? and even then they fuck it up.

and then there was the Fucking Frog incident again.

God damn motherfucking Frog sits outside my window around 5am about 2 or 3 times a week and proceeds to make a high pitched squealing sound until dawn has finally broken - since the first few times this has happened, I’ve explained to the guards that when they hear the damn fucking frog squealing they are supposed to go round the back of the house and scare it off or kill it if possible - and I know what you’re thinking “if you want a job done properly then you’ve got to do it yourself”, but in all honesty the guards at my place pretty much have to do two things - open and close the gate and press a panic button to call Securicor if robbers come - now I’ve added this third responsibility to their list of chores....

....and it seems it is completely fucking beyond them.

For the second time this week I get out of bed at 5am, open the front door, check Francis is not sleeping (yet again) and then ask him to go and kill the fucking frog - he just looks at me like I’m from out of space and mumbles something in chechewa - from which I pick up the word “ojeni” meaning something or other, and note a general look of confusion/stupidity - which is not uncommon for Francis who is certainly about as sharp as a biscuit.

I mean he can hear the frog nearly as clearly as I can from the other side of the house - it’s a high pitched squealing sound that repeats over and over and fucking over again until someone gets involved to stop it - I don’t care if he’s been sitting there for years and may have possibly got used to the noise, surely his world must also be a more serene and pleasant place to be without the frog than with it?

Surely he’s just sitting there thinking to himself (possibly, for some reason, in a Texan accent) “Gee fucking whizz that noise sure is fucking annoying the living shit out of me - I sure wish someone would go and stomp that fucking frog into Gods green earth and then pin it to a notice board as a warning to other Frogs not to come round here with that high pitched whining fucking shit they spout all night long”????

So anyways - Francis looks dumbfounded by what I’m trying to communicate to him - even using the most broken form of English - fair enough, I know he’s not a rocket scientist but I’m still pretty sure he should be able to vaguely figure out what the issue might be seeing as English is pretty much spoken all over Malawi in some form or another, but no so:

Therefore I have to:

• Imitate the Frog noise
• Make frantic hacking motion
• Point frantically to back garden

at which point Francis then gives a look of understanding which is perhaps due to a the wave of recognition washing over him as he suddenly remembers the 5 or 6 other times I’ve had to physically mime out the problem to him over the last few weeks.

Francis then gets the panga and slopes off round the back of the house and I go back to bed.

Only to be kept awake by Francis making more noise trying to find and kill the fucking frog than the frog was making in the first fucking place.

In other news my beloved Panasonic DMX-FX7 camera has been fixed and is making it’s way here via DHL from UK - true enough, I’ve ended up paying more to fix it than it costs to buy new - but import duty and insurance payout issues mean that it is in fact cheaper to get it fixed in the end - plus it’s my camera and I love it and I want it back.

I would be able to tell when it’s going to arrive, but my parents have given me the tracking number for the parcel that I originally sent them back in February rather than the parcel they just sent themselves the other day.

The geniuses.

Spo | May 10, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

May 9, 2007

Genius…..

I highly recommend you read some fine writing by a good friend of mine - a weekend in the life of Eric Elsewhere - it’s genius. 

Spo | May 9, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Videos & Links

May 8, 2007

Maury Finkle, Finkles Fixtures and Fittings….. do it…. do it….

ahhhhh… it’s too well read here sometimes to say what is actually going on behind the scenes of all the tea drinks and Gecko dreams.....

Anyways - the last couple of weeks the pace of life has stepped up a notch - which is not suited to Malawi style pa-ng’ono pa-ng’ono (slowly-slowly)

Where to start??

Well Friday nights adventures took place in Blantyre rather than the usual Lakeside setting due to being asked by Aubrey of Twigga lounge to play the role of DJ (ie: man with Computer and ability to select decent music in the right order and make people dance) on the following Saturday. Saturdays gig could of done with better promotion (rival bar ripped down hastily arranged posters), better acoustics (speakers arranged by a mongoloid, tin roof, poor treble feedback on system) and no door fee (everyone spent their money on the hectic Friday night previous that I had originally asked to play instead) - but all in all it went cool as it could - 40 to 50 people dancing till 3am and smiling faces abounding.

Apart from the bit when a giant fat girl tried to kill/eat a slimy little bald headed Indian dude and made all the stunning Danish women stop shaking their asses and run back to their seats in the corner.

Friday night was the one though - I headed to locals club in town called Tuska which is run by friends Sanjay and Lorenzo - they’ve had a refurbishment of late and the place actually looks like a club now, rather than a cave with some speakers in it as it did before - one of the additions to the place is Sanjays Cocktail Bar of Death - named now by myself due to the Kryptonite juice poured down my throat in the form of possibly one of most potent alcoholic concoctions know to man - The Flaming Lamborghini Turbo Shooter:

This is the reason my evening cannot be recalled in full due to the fact that as a result of it’s powers I am now missing around 4 hours of my life and had a serious Coyote Ugly moment when I awoke the next morning.

At this point I should mention that my most feared enemies in the alcoholic world are:

• Sambuca - (after an unfortunate upchuck incident meaning no kissing the living-down-the-road-from-me-for-the-last-10-years never pulled before gorgeous girl goodbye at leaving party back in 2005).
• Tequila - (after an unfortunate Sambuca/Tequila idiot barman shot mix up with Lockey in a London club back in 2006 - he was trying to set fire to Tequila one side while I was necking a Sambuca/Salt/lemon combo that led to yet another upchuck incident once again).
• Rum - (because it’s Rum and therefore it’s fucking disgusting).

Unbeknown to me at the time, these black riders of the alcoholic apocalypse made up three of the four ingredients in this little short, sharp, shock of concentrated evil known as the Flaming Lamborghini Turbo - therefore, this particular shooter is like an Alcoholic version of Arachnophobia for me, as the drink is made up as follows:

• Starts with a glass containing 1 x shot of Stro 80 Rum which is then set on fire - (because when doing something stupid like drinking one of these, it makes warped sense to add fire to an already dangerous concoction of alcohol - sort of like someone came up with the recipe and then said “Fuck it, for all the sense this makes, it may as well be on fucking fire”.....)
• .....Anyways - Being quick with a straw, you dive in and drain the first shot of rum before the straw melts and.....
• .....as the rum disappears, the barman adds a shot of Sambuca, which you cane in the same breath, continuing…
• .....as the Sambuca disappears with a shot of Tequila poured the same way which is then....
• ..... followed by a shot of Amarula (African style Baileys type liqor) to top it all off - all down at the same time
•...... Also be careful not to get too close to the flames (as my singed eyebrows will testify)

I had 3 or 4 of these in reasonably quick succession, which is why I can’t really tell you much more about the evening apart from the fact that after hitting the cold night air at around 4am, I violently projectile vomited all over the place behind my car in the style of that little girl from the Exorcist.

And John told me that bit.

He said it was a really fine moment - I just sort of barked & barfed it all out and then went about as though nothing had happened.

It was a good night apparently.

Talking of the cold night air the weather here has gone British - it’s more than a bit nippy out it has to be said - and when packing for Africa back in January, I didn’t exactly stock up on jumpers and jackets - now everyones got a cold and the locals look like they’re all going on a skiing trip - for the British of course it’s mild, but the nights drop down to about 15-19c which can be a bit parky when you sitting around in shorts and T-shirt. I’m going to have to get me a thicker blanket than a bed sheet me thinks - or spend more time at the lake which never really gets cold at all.

In other news there has thankfully been no further recriminations from the incident of the Legend of Moonbat Morning - if anything the police (who I’m now on first name/face recognition terms with) have been far more friendlier - waving me through the frequent road blocks that hold up Limbe traffic all day - seems like I have bought a little more than freedom for my money.

Yuni having her problems in Jakarta and says it seems like all matters in life are against her and the world spins in exactly the opposite direction she needs it to - that city can really get on top of you sometimes and she sure sounds like she’s had enough - feels lost and alone and no idea what to do next - what else can I say other than she’s got me and I’m waiting with Beach bars, hammocks & sunsets at the end of the year? - she’s now asking more questions about how we get Visa’s, organise plane tickets along with thinking about how her family can access Western Union that side - so, seems like she is more likely to come than not when the big move is made come 2008ish time - I love it when a plan comes together.

Phone calls from head office asking if I can come back early and questioning further as to why I want to delay my transfer from UK books to those of the Dutch - I lied like a politician and deflected all queries with bureaucratically bullshitting excellence - I’m here till 28th June and there’s no way I’m leaving any earlier than I have to - seems like things over in Holland are getting hectic with new people needing training and too many of the old guard leaving unexpectedly - that as I have the experience to train, I could take the heat off a bit - but parallel to that they are also making murmurs about the moving of the books and the marrying of UK wage and Holland wage with UK living costs and Holland living costs - which spells out SALARY REDUCTION in my mind - which is cool as that gives me the perfect out when time comes to sit down and tell them I’m jacking it all in for lakeside living and a beach bar existence.

And that there’s no changing my mind as I’ve already got the tattoo.

Right - more planning of the weekend Gecko playlist of perfection - there’s 15 Danish women coming our way along with a crew of others - and if they all look like the 5 that were dancing in front of the decks at Twigga on Saturday night then it truly will be an evening to remember.

As long as I don’t have any more Flaming Fucking Lamborghini Fucking Turbo’s.

Spo | May 8, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal

May 3, 2007

Run Rabbit Run…..

Update on life in general coming soon but in the meantime please, please, please, take a minute to chuck a few pennies the way of some very good friends of mine Cassie “Bubba” Joyce, Anna “Bunnawowski” Longshaft (and her mum) who are legging it around London with a bunch of other women - all probably moaning about how they “can’t even walk in these shoes let alone run” while raising money for charideeeeeee on May 20th.

Click the following link and you can do hop on the bad foot and do the good thing using a variety of different payment methods.

CLICK HERE

Spo | May 3, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | News | Ojeni | Personal | Videos & Links

April 25, 2007

Gone Gecko for the weekend…..

Payday just arrived, Holidays taken, Liverpool vs Chelsea leading into lazy days Thursday Friday, followed by big Gecko night Saturday and no more work till Wednesday......

Spo | April 25, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

April 24, 2007

Giant Squirrel Terror Rampage Finally Ended By Local Hunters……

Spo | April 24, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Ojeni

April 17, 2007

Small step for Spo, giant leap for Gecko…..

So the email has been sent - that of saying I want to hold off on any move to Rotterdam books until discussions can take place in July when I return - the not unreasonable excuse being that I want to be sure exactly how the tax / insurance / renumeration against current salary (Holland pays through the nose for taxes) / health all works out and then further how I transfer money to UK for the flat and other such things like National insurance - therefore I want to sit and talk this out before they go ahead and do it.

Sounded good when I read it back to myself before I hit send.

However, talk travels fast and word will probably be quietly muttering around of possible plans - sure I talk too much - but usually only to those I know well - but who they talk to etc etc..... I already picked up a couple of vibes from the powers that be that they may not be too sure of my intentions for the future - this fuels the fire for sure-sure.

Step one along the path of not being full of shit about this whole Gecko plan has definitely been taken.

Spo | April 17, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

April 17, 2007

The Day Today….

.... Shall forever be known as the day that I definitely decided to jack in the tea trade - a monotonous auction that lasted the best part of 4 hours had me losing the will to ever taste another cup of tea again as long as I live.

Gazing out the window thinking of swinging in hammocks and cool calm lake waters, my mind turned to arranging a mental playlist of recently purchased and pilfered tracks when I should of been marking the auction catalogue - we were not armed with any really strong bids to make noise and my attendance was superfluous to proceedings around me - it was like one of those waking dreams where you snap your attention back for a second and realise you’ve had your eyes open but your mind has been oblivious to all that has gone on for the last 10 to 15 minutes - just like when I used to zone out during maths exams, I quickly caught up and copied from those sitting next to me.

I decided many things during the sale -

• That Skee-lo’s “I Wish” should be followed by “My definition of a Boombastic Jazz Style” by the Dream Warriors and not by “Groove is in the Heart” by Deeelite.
• That I really shouldn’t call Antonetta but probably will at some point regardless of common sense, so should consider deleting her phone number - a motion the board is considering at this moment - but only considering.
• That I need to go shopping for food but England are playing cricket against South Africa so I will have to have empty cupboards for a day more.
• That once in Malawi permanently I will only really be able to leave once a year for visits elsewhere - which, if you think about the fact that I’m 30 this year, may mean that the amount of times I see people in the time left on the planet will be vastly reduced - answer = webcam I suppose - but still...... seeing friends and family once a year for a limited time....... makes you think.....
• That my Tattoo has finally more or less healed but needs a touch up or two to make him sharp-sharp - tempted to get another one at the same time.
• That I should consider flying to South Africa to see Grindhouse when it opens.

and

• That the decent thing to do and to avoid unnecessary hassle and confusion is to tell the head office I do not want to be moved on to the Rotterdam books for all things tax/salary/insurance/residence related - which is what is planned to happen from July 1st when they move me from the UK office books - if I tell them now then I will be able to manage my move to Malawi a lot easier from UK/Holland with regard to finance - also the head office will not have to jump through hoops to do all the necessary bureaucratic application paper work for someone who is about to nip off to Africa as soon as the ink is dry.

However, saying such things does kind of kick off a fire alarm that screams of possible uncertainty about the future - leading them to ask questions of my plans and then I will end up admitting that I’m leaving - which has to be done I know - but I wasn’t planning on doing it just yet - I wanted to get my finances in order just in case they may say in a if you’re not committed to the cause then don’t help sail the ship type way that it’s better to leave earlier than November/December I’ve planned for...... Hmmmm..... but it’s gotta be done I guess - I think I can use the excuse of my flat and payments from Holland to UK banks / tax increases in holland needing to be discussed upon my return - still, it’ll ring some bells that’s for sure - but yeah, it’s gotta be done.

Then when I snapped back to reality the sale was drawing to a close and all around where packing up and making notes - one of the producers came up to me to ask how I thought the auction had gone and without thinking I almost blurted out:

I wish I was little bit taller,
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good
I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
and a ‘64 Impala...........I wish I was at the lake already.

Spo | April 17, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

April 16, 2007

I Wish….

.....that all things in life could run as smoothly as when I used the super-dooper electronic communications exchange of information high-speed highway device on Sunday - I type in Skee-lo “I wish” in google - come across AM.180 run by a man named Thomas - doesn’t have quite the right version I’m looking for, remix without the hook - send the man a mail and by Monday he finds & sorts out a link to the original download MP.3 for me!

Used yousendit.com just this second to return the favour, with Addis Black Widow’s “Innocent” soon to join his music collection.

There’s good people in the world with fine tastes in music and thankfully many of them use this internet ojeni.

Muchos Gracias Mr.Thomas!

Spo | April 16, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Film / TV / Music | Ojeni | Videos & Links

April 13, 2007

For When Life Fits LIIIIKKKKEEE A GLOVE….

Seriously not earning a penny of my pay at the moment - spending all day on msn with everyone, Hanh on yahoo, Lauren on Skype..... messing about with I-tunes and searching about the super dooper highway electronic communication device for new music.

The other day I did some running round with Nicole for the shop after a long lunch at cool little restaurant called Red Pepper that makes the best Piri Piri Chicken on the planet.

A bold statement - but I stand by it.

Day before I drifted off and went shopping, paid my sat.DSTV, got my car checked out, went to travel agents, filled up on petrol, got money sorted, called in at the post office, went camera hunting.... generally just took care of the little things in life rather than actually spending any time in the office earning the actual money to take care of all those little things in life.... 

Really have lost the will to work for tea and my mind is only on the future at the lake.

Last Easter Wknd was massive - think we had 150-200 people at Gecko at one point - played all night long - knocked it out the park - compared to the other places up there on the shore, we fucking owned Easter - every track played hit it’s mark and the bar and restaurant ran at full steam the whole night through without too many fuck ups.

Smiling faces everywhere.

Could of been the various cocktails of mood embellishing substances in the blood stream though.

Most importantly this time we took a hell of a lot of money over the bar - with the tabs tallied and the food & chalets taken into consideration, it was probably a 500’000kw day of things - around $3500 - for a bar in Africa that’s some serious money.

Looking around the day after I was just thinking of the future and how I want it all to start as soon as possible - and I’ve been putting a lot of thought into how soon that could be.

Original plan was December - but we have so much cooking at the moment - so much I want to get started on - so many big plans.... ahhhhh but....

I do respect the fact my current company has given me a great deal though - I won’t just hand a months notice and disappear - I’ll assist with the new guy and his training and I’ll make sure they are in a position that isn’t too stretched when I finally bail - three months notice and then extend if they need me to..... but man that is going to be a hard conversation to have - the one where I say I’m leaving after 10 years and all this experience, travel, training and trust..... however I can see clearly what the next 5 years look like and they resemble a 9-5 office based struggle with cash in a Western world and no real desire or responsibility on the job front.

Going through the motions on the conveyor belt of everyday existence.

Although I do taste tea for a living and that seems like it isn’t exactly an everyday type of job, at the end of the day it’s a commodity and bought and sold in the same kind of way as everything else - sitting in an office writing emails and making calls - many of which amount to nothing. This job comes alive when you are in the countries of origin and you have a bit of responsibility to make your own decisions - but the admin end is just as soul sucking as it is in any other walk of life.

Hell, I’ve been on auto pilot since leaving Vietnam I think.

2004.

That was the last time I felt driven and enthusiastic about the work I was doing - I recognise the same feeling inside when I think about what I’m going to do at the lake - which is how I know it is the right thing for me now.

It feels like a very long time since Vietnam and the last time I’ve felt like that.

3 or 4 years of drifting since then.

3 or 4 years of drinking seriously too.

hmmmm..... that’s another one to look at soon perhaps - the drink is flowing a little to freely at the moment - expensive tastes as well..... all the relevant whiskey I can get my grubby little hands on .... but then again, to be fair the cricket world cup is on and I have found a new love in my life - and with that comes celebration.

I think that beforehand I dismissed the sport as simply being too long drawn out and too damn fucking complicated - all those numbers and % everywhere across the bottom of the screen - no idea who is who and why they are doing what they’re doing. However now it has all opened up - it’s like I speak another language - what was once gibberish now makes perfect sense - run rates, overs, batting averages, boundaries, fours and sixes..... the game that turned me was England vs Sri Lanka - that was better than any football match I’ve seen for about 5 years or so - for it all to end on the final ball and then to find later that they only bowled 5 balls in an over instead of 6 and..... I won’t go into this too much as I am aware of the fact the majority reading are like me before I turned - cricket = boringasseddon’tgiveaflyingfuckmate.

Anyways - I love cricket now.

Although Australia do seem to take the fun out of it by being virtually indestructible and battering everyone who steps to the crease.

Hmmmm...... spoke to Lauren most of the afternoon on Skype - seems as if there was an earthquake tremor near the lake and the city of Lilongwe - Malawi being the tail end of the East African rift valley then these things happen every so often - villagers running around wailing and screaming like the sky was going to fall down apparently.

Just a tremor and a bit of shakey-shakey though.

Yuni would not be impressed after the proper real deals of Jakarta in comparison.

Merely a murmur she’d say.

Not heard from her all week - guess she’s mulling over the last mail where I mapped out the whole plan of pay and costs - what we’re going to do up at the lake if she comes - how we’ll live, what we’ll be responsible for, she wanted to know all about the little things like tv phones internet etc - what the day to day would be.

Truth is that before I just kind of looked on it like if she came it would be califragfuckinglistic, if not then it wouldn’t be the end of the world - I do appreciate her family situation over there so I knew it was no easy answer - but now we’ve made all these extra plans about the development of the business - the expansion of the bar to incorporate two more ventures, the shop and the water project taking off just now… plus a few other ideas we have cooked up - I’m really going to need her to manage to take all this on.

Hmmmm...... I think I need to call her tmw.... see how she feels about it all.

Right - home and rest - no lake, no 6am Tuska seeing the dawn in shindig, definitely no little green tablets.… and in fact no drinking this wknd.

Well, no heavy drinking this wknd.

I mean it is FA Cup Semi Final day on Sunday after all.

Spo | April 13, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

April 13, 2007

Midget Breakdancing - enough said.

Spo | April 13, 2007 | Comments

April 11, 2007

Nap-attack…..

Gecko chow time on Saturday evening - sat at the Kings table with Paul and Lauren - gust of wind and then something scuttled down my leg - I freaked big time and jumped out my seat, leaping around the veranda.

“Fuck! Fuck! Spider! Spider! Fuck! Fuck! Spider! Spider! Fuck! Fuck!”

As we have established in the past - I do not like fucking spiders - so then i peered down in the blackness under the table to see what it was - there was something long and white lying there.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!” I bellowed - still leaping on the spot pointing at my unidentified nemesis like a man possessed with unholy fear unseen since...... erm.... the last time I saw a spider I suppose.

Lauren stifled laughter for a second before asking “What? you mean the Serviette napkin??”

Leading to the two of them cracking to pieces to the point of laughing so hard they couldn’t breathe and then telling the tale to all and sundry - everyone ripped me for the rest of the weekend.

Suffice to say I am not expecting to hear the end of this matter for a long time to come.

It felt like a fucking spider though.

It did.

Spo | April 11, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

April 11, 2007

Day in the Life of Jakartan Weekend……

From wayyyyyy back - I read this over again this morning and it really nails the average Jakartan Sunday

Spo | April 11, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Personal

April 11, 2007

A DUCK walks into a bar……

........and asks the barman: “Do you have bread?”

Barman: “No.”

Duck: “Any bread?”

Barman: “No bread at all.”

Duck: “No bread then?”

Barman: “No! We’ve got no bread.”

Duck: “Not even any old bread?”

Barman: “Are you stupid or what? We have NO bread. If you ask me again I’m going to nail your f***ing beak to the bar counter.”

Duck: “Do you have nails?”

Barman: “NO!”

Duck: “And bread?”

Spo | April 11, 2007 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion

April 4, 2007

She’s surely on board the good ship Gecko…..

Yuni emailed to ask that if she comes, how much we’re going to be able to set aside for the folks back in Jakarta, general expenses back there and her daughters education over the next year or so.....

Knew she’d come around.... just need to put it altogether for her.

Making a plan with Anton this weekend to agree on the payment of the 30%...... doing a thorough stock assessment and costing of the last years profits....

Love it when a plan comes together.

Best start looking to December flights back to Blantyre should all run as smoothly as this....

Big 4 day weekend at the lake starting Friday - driving up tmw round 2pm - whole lakeshore is booked out - people can’t even find camping - going to be a Gargantuan Gecko Kampango Banger Bash of note

We’ve even banned alcohol Sunday-Thursday in preparation - and that’s even with all the cricket world cup and champions league action this week.

Alright, I may have had a few Carlsberg Greens over the Liverpool game last night.

But Beer doesn’t count.

Anyways - here comes the monster weekend - Most Splendid.....

Spo | April 4, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

April 4, 2007

And your host for this evening is….

Paul says: tv malawi want us to do a program about current affairs - interviews etc

Spo says: we are aware of current affairs

Paul says: could be fun

Spo says: can i be in it for some reason?

you can host it if you want

hehahaha - it is tv malawi so i geuss i don’t have to be experienced - is it out in the field?

where ever we feel. they want a test tape

i’ll be happy to do what ever you want - but no hairy bobbing man ass shots

lol - tourism

yes my hairy bobbing man ass will not be good for Malawian tourism

if they like it we can have a weekly slot, starting on sat morning.. and work our way into an evening slot

yet another career move..... can i have a really attractive co-host - like that Malawian girl from around your office or Nicole?

sure

Splendid

we’ve got the camara… its a matter of editing

splendid

i want to do a Larry King

like HARD TALK on BBC?

talking to these strange malawians

box-2’s and the like

cloud be funny

very very funny

Spo | April 4, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

April 1, 2007

Morning Moonbat Boy…..where’s your brain gone?

The Saturday dawn breaking outside as another night at Tuska headed for close - myself and Lauren worse for “where the fuck are we” as we journeyed back round from the dark side of the moon - then a friend longtime unseen with my eyes put a green tablet in each of our palms and said “Take these as gifts - good to see you again - enjoy” - he’d been buying the drinks the best part of the night, so who are we to refuse more hospitality?

Fools.

Down the hatch what ever they may be, along with another shot of whiskey to see them on their merry way.

Then I had the good sense to say “we need to get to where ever we are going to be before what ever we’ve just taken kicks our heads to Mars - reckon we got 30 minutes”

We gathered John from the dance-floor and headed for home.

Too late.

Came up like a motherfucker slap bang in the middle of the morning traffic.

First time in 7 years or so - can’t ever remember a stronger wave of “Ohfuckmewhere’smyheadjustfuckinggone” - there’s a time and a place for such long returns to such states of mind - and 6am traffic definitely doesn’t fit the bill

Chaos reigned for a time before I managed to pull over and let John drive - luckily not a recipient of the same “gift” my old achemwene had handed us not 15 minutes before.

In both senses of the phrase I span out the door to crash in the back seat, as I did I turned into my alter-ego “Moonbat Boy”.

Spent the rest of the morning looking pretty damn surprised by life in general and responding to conversations about 40 minutes too late - kind of situation where the majority of what is said to you is along the lines of “what the fuck on earth are you talking about?”

Bedroom activities also suffered on an account of forgetting what the bejesus it was I was supposed to be doing.

Don’t really think I got my shit together for about 24 hours to be honest.

All in another days work for Moonbat boy - hopefully his reign of confused chaos will remain consigned to what ever world he comes from for ever more......

...As Lord knows the next time that good friend of mine hands me a little green gift at 6am I’ll politely decline, no matter how far round the dark side of the moon I maybe.

Spo | April 1, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal

March 30, 2007

Just click the heels together……

I don’t know what I expected really - a “yeah sure that sounds great - just let me know when and I’ll make a plan” response?

Well there’s lots of little details I guess - but in the end I figured the offer of lakeside living, sunshine and sand, hammocks and boat trips.... along with building our own business - that would be the kind of opportunity you don’t think twice about.

But the girl is not so sure.

“Forget University, leave your country, your job, your family, your friends, way of life - even daughter for a time - and come to Africa and we’ll build an empire on the lakeside - maybe - and no baby there’s no lions and no baby it’s not living in a jungle and yes baby there will be water & electricity - by the bells of St.Chris we’ve got wi-fi sitting out on the shore..... we run the shop, the bar, the chalets, the restaurant, the water project, the boat trips.....it’ll be what we make it....”

Yeah, that’s a lot to take in.

Though Jakarta is an unbelievable shithole - it is still a shithole called home.

She’s got her father to look after who’s 75 and not doing so good - she’s got the good job going places as a P.A to the director of an intl Cement company - she’s got the part time teaching thing......

But she’s also got the daily struggles and the constant buzz of congestion, pollution, corruption, poverty, decay, earthquakes, floods...... and no me either.

And me no her.

The best way to be together is this - any other possible place on earth we’re talking sky-high costs & visa problems - culture clashes and employment issues - UK? Holland? would be a fucking nightmare to sort that out - and lord knows it’s not likely I end up back in Jakarta anytime soon - here in Malawi, Paul can organise all we need and the life will lend itself to the slow-slow as we find our way.

I ask myself “what’s to think about?” but for me jumping countries and snap decisions are common practice - put me in her shoes and I guess I can see where she’s coming from.

So for now I’m making plans to start without her in December - can’t see past the issue with her father - family first - especially in that part of the world.

But neither the lake nor I are going anywhere.

So there’ll always be a day should she want to make the jump - figure that photo’s and conversation can’t do it justice - she’s got to come and SEE the possibilities I’m talking about.

The folks back home seem to be taking the change of plans pretty well.

If silence on the matter can be taken as indication as such.

Guess they’re just taking all that info in - the whole resigning, selling the flat, new job, career, country, no guarantees it’ll all sail type thing.

I’ll wait till I get back to UK before I mention the Tattoo I think.

Spo | March 30, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

March 29, 2007

Don’t Drive Dusk till Dawn………

The future very nearly didn’t take place driving back from the lake on Sunday - we got caught up in the day, so while sitting having late lunch we decided that we didn’t really want to leave - it’s hard to leave the lake - and it’s not hard to think of an excuse - so we informed the girls but it turned out they really needed to get back - school teaching commitments etc - basi - ok then - lets get going.

Unfortunately leaving around 3pm means that after you’ve got petrol and dropped folk off, the tail end of the journey back takes you into the night - and driving at night in Malawi is a very, very bad idea - especially on the last leg Zomba-Blantyre road.

The whole journey had been a bit of a nightmare - the gargantuan storm that crashed upon us on the Saturday (loudest thunder I’ve ever heard in my life) had seriously damaged the road back and it also seemed that Sunday had brought out a particular brand of stupidity in the majority of Malawian road users. Once the dark had set in around 6pm things jumped up a notch in terms of difficulty and pressure.

The Variety of obstacles in our way included:

• Cyclists who don’t know how to cycle.
• Pedestrians who don’t realise that walking in the middle of the road is a bad idea.
• Cars and trucks with either one light or no lights at all.
• People driving with full beam headlights continuously, indicating for no reason.
• No ability to see pot-holes or the lay of the land for upcoming corners.
• Also the human element in most of these situations is usually under the influence of Chibuku (a rank local alcoholic concoction made from Maize that comes in cartons and looks and tastes like vomit).

Basically driving at night is a fucking nightmare and you have to concentrate as if you were dismantling a Nuclear weapon at all times.

So Paul was in one car (initially with all the girls) and in the other there was myself, Manyana (fantastic name), Nicole and an eeway Anton wanted us to drop somewhere - after dropping the Gecko girls we intended to drive convoy style from Zomba but meeting points got missed and as I thought Paul was ahead of me I tried to speed up to catch him - in fact he’d dropped the last of the two girls somewhere outside of Zomba and was behind me some way - then the phone reception cut out too.

I had a battle with a car full of Indians driving around with their lights on full beam behind me for 10 minutes - I used the Malawian adage of indicating left to say “pass” and indicating right to say there is “something coming” and nearly sent them head first into a maize lorry - just missed. I let them pass and then full beamed them all the way back to Blantyre. Generally there wasn’t a moment when I could relax - every step of the journey was bringing a new brand of mechanised chaos and the relief upon seeing the lights of Limbe was immense.

Arriving Blantyre with only Manyana and myself left at this point, we headed to stock up on Jungle Pepper Pizza and then go round to Paul’s for the ritual of end of the weekend drinks - that’s when the phone rang and Paul informed he’d been in accident.

Coming up on a corner, a huge truck came hurtling towards him on the wrong side of the road - no choice but to dive down the gully to the left and into the maize field - the truck continued on it’s storming run and didn’t stop for a second - meanwhile Paul ploughs the field a while until coming to a halt - miraculously avoiding anything larger than a fence or two and a batch full of maize.

As ever in such situations, folk appear from nowhere - where ever there is an incident in Africa people will appear in seconds surrounding the scene to either see what is available for salvage or generally stand around staring doing nothing in particular - so with a bit of direction and info as to whether the wheels were shot, Paul was able to chunk it into 4x4 and get back up onto the road and back to Blantyre where several strong whiskeys were the order of the day.

Close one indeed.

Lord knows I’m never driving any such distances at night again - around Blantyre it’s Ok due to the street lamps and general knowledge of the lay of the roads - but next time round, if the day has gotten away at the lake and we’re still debating as to whether to do the journey, methinks we’ll definitely stay for another beer or two rather than go through all that again.

Spo | March 29, 2007 | Comments

March 28, 2007

Marked For The Future……

So yeah - I got a tattoo - Gecko style - he’s a little monster - burns like hell at the mo - Henani and the man with the needles turned up at Paul’s Monday and after a few stiff vodka’s and boiling of all the necessary, they went to work.

Hardest part is sitting in the same position for that long - it stings a bit when you get near the nerves and bone, but overall it didn’t really hurt at the time - over an hour or so it just feels like someone slowly dragging a razor-blade across your skin - which, although that actually sounds really bad, is not something that is so painful once you get used to it - that makes me sound like a masochist - who knows - but then again I’ve bounced off and onto so many things in life so far that my tolerance to pain is pretty high - I’ve been scraped, scratched, burned, bitten and broken enough times not to flinch at a tattoo.

Spiders on the other hand.....

The issue now is keeping it clean and clear - Vaseline/moisturiser 3 times a day - don’t get it covered in dirt or tea (hard in my job) - don’t scratch or scrape it at all - itchy, gooey, black, inky, blood stuff coming out all the time - can’t go swimming or get it seriously wet in any way - meaning no lake or pool shenanigans for 2-3 weeks......

But I’m very happy and have named him “ojeni”.

He shall now be with me forever more.

Spo | March 28, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

March 26, 2007

Eeeesh…..

After canceling Friday and running off to the lake all wknd, I had to continue the charade about being ill and not in fact disgracefully hungover - it really has become a tangled web of lies.

The story of my supposed Thursday possible food poisoning leading to early doors escape meant that people were concerned for my well being and wanted to call me to verify that I was ok later on - the slightest cold or flu symptom here could be Malaria you see - but of course, they couldn’t get through as my provider has no coverage at the lake - so when my boss asked, I explained I left the phone on charge but didn’t realise I had not turned on the charger - and as the phone didn’t ring I just assumed no one was trying to get through.

But the natural thing to do when someone who may have malaria doesn’t pick up their phone, is to go to their house and be sure-sure they are ok - I thought ahead to this and explained that as Beth doesn’t work the wknd, I stayed at a friends so I was not alone during my weakened suffering.

Now people have been phoning this morning to check I’m fine.

I can spin the tale of woe pretty good on the phone - especially due to my usual Monday voice of post lake hungover suffering.

Face to face the sun burn is harder to explain however.

Spo | March 26, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

March 23, 2007

This Day is officially CANCELLED…..

How the fuck did this happen?? I was out in the tea fields, running around, driving the 4x4 along roads of no return and pulling off audacious overtaking manoeuvre’s, doing deals and taking care of business - earning my money - then I drive back around 530pm - Paul calls, he’s sitting with John - they need to discuss something with me - so I call round.

Next thing it’s 130am and we’ve all drunk a bottle of vodka, finished the JW black and done a bottle of Po10C.

On a school night.

I remember when it was the breaking point as well - 11pm and we decided to go out and get cigarettes rather than call it a day - and I said at the time “look we may as well keep going and finish it - take the pain in the morning - it’ll be worth it”.

It is so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so not worth it.

I’ve come to work and played the food poisoning card and am now going home to bed before driving to the lake later around 3pm (or when ever I wake up and don’t feel like I’ve been run over and shot)

Fuck it.

My queen has her exams today - decides if Yuni does Uni or not - big day for me too - if she passes maybe she stays in Jakarta - if she doesn’t she’ll be more open to come live with me at the lake - I know she will be so happy if she passes the entrance exam but.........

Have not heard from Anna for months and months - miss her so much........

.....Rambling now - need to go put myself down for a while......

and finally Hanh emailed me this - best email I read this morning - although I have ignored a lot:

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Right - bed and lake

Spo | March 23, 2007 | Comments

March 22, 2007

Monkey See, Monkey Free……

I love the internet - type in ”Arctic Monkeys Brianstorm Mp3” and google finds a download link for the new release of the califragifuckinglistic Monkeys track released in April some when - a true monster of a track, the video isn’t half bad either - choosing to focus on women in hotpants rather than the monkeys themselves - definitely a good plan.

Right click and save target as here - courtesy of splendid source of all things musical and genius - Wolf Notes

Be quick though - don’t know if it’ll be there long.....

Spo | March 22, 2007 | Comments
Film / TV / Music | Videos & Links

March 20, 2007

“Rock Under The Sun Trampy…..”

Unfortunate list of casualties from St Paddys night include:

•Phone (admittedly an annual occasion at some point)
•Another pair of knock-off Sunglasses
•several lighters
•15000 Malawi Kwacha
•1 bottle of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey.
•Plot for several hours.

They will be missed.

Those reading whom I’ve lost details for, pls email your number using the usual mail/link on the side there and I’ll restart the book on when I am next likely to lose my new phone from today (I’m still on the same number btw).

The thing with losing a phone is not the phone - it’s all the numbers of folk you’ll never get in touch any other way than calling when you are next in their neck of the woods.

I think maybe most are stored on the sim card I have in Holland though.

But It’s also all the pictures and video you have on there.

Especially the ones from Jakarta

.

ahem.

Friday and drinks in the tea district turned to meeting Paul and the girls at local den of funk named Twigga - there were a few of the younger crowd out and about on a fisherprice-my-first-night-out type of affair - 15 year old girls hurling in the corridors while young guys try to start fires with their eyes type stuff - gets in the way of people actually having a good time when the bar looks like kindergarten, so we moved on to the hip-hop cave of Tuska.

As people tired we dropped them back at Doogles before John and I moved on out to Kambaa - local den of iniquity - I got myself into trouble dancing with some girl who I was one sentence away from taking back to my place and leaving John where he stood - luckily the image clicked into my mind of Yuni dressed up as Rock chick after that Jakartan Rolling Stones night and I resisted the considerable temptation that was practically pole dancing before me and said my goodbyes.

I tell you - that night back in 2005 - Yuni wearing slashed up Rolling Stones shirt with rope-laddered tassles up the back - rock chick hair - eye liner - denim short-short skirt - Fuck-me Knee high boots - Tequila shot belt with bottles in the holsters.... that’s when I fell in love with that girl - that night - sure-sure.

I had a picture on my phone......

That was an image I had to conjure again when we returned to Tuska around 4am and ended up dancing with a girl from Mozambique called Antoinetta - who accompanied us to Sunnyside where we danced on chairs again. I again made my plea for escape and we moved to some locals bar in the middle of nowhere - I was truly wasted by this point - normally I’ve levelled out by this time of the morning - sort of drunk myself sober - done the round trip so to speak - but I was in the hurt locker and vision was an issue - it was the sort of place Nic Cage finds himself in from that Sierra Leone scene in Lord of War - I also think it’s one of the few times in life that someone could say I was drunker than John - that’s proper drunk - to be drunker than John at 8am is like a higher plateau of drunkeness - box2 drunkeness almost.

When we made it back to Pauls, (after arguing with the Doogle’s door staff about the time breakfast should be served) it was too early to wake him so I could crash on his couch and it was simply too much of a mission to consider driving back to my place in Blantyre, so I curled up in the sun on a rock outside Johns house, as he passed out in his doorway.

About as far away from a picture of sobriety as you can get - that’s cross the road and throw-small-change-at-me-alcoholic-reprobate really isn’t it? not good.

I don’t think the drinking here is like Jakarta though - in Jakarta I think indeed I had a problem for a little while - it was daily and it was at home and on the big nights out it was too concentrated in short spaces of time - but I came to my senses and it passed - here, although the whiskey flows freely and the wknd nights last till dawn, we dance while we drink so you never really get too fucked up beyond all recognition - although falling asleep on the rock is obviously a bit trampy, I offer the simple excuse of an exhausting drive home and tiredness in my defence.

Which may not stand up in court but it’s all I got at the mo.

It’s a red-flag then - ”No more excessive drinking to the point of sleeping on rocks in the sun at 830am” - would the honorable judge of karma duly note that last admission in writing and offer it for referral if there is anymore such tom-foolery in the near future.

I say “near” as it doesn’t do anyone any harm to drink all night and sleep on a rock every once in a while.

Builds character.

So then came St.Patrick’s day.

The wknd at Gecko when we had that big party had led to me being asked to sort the music out for a St Patrick’s shindig that was taking place in Blantyre - small venue, but well set up with a good crowd and Paul helped out with hiring an amp and speakers. Once I had woken from a snatched couple of hours sleep in the afternoon, we headed over to Adele’s place and set up shop - broken as I felt, I soon was back on something resembling form after getting a good feeding at the Bar-B-Q and indulging in the rather potent green punch that was filled up in one of the water coolers (genius idea - remove water - add punch - self serve green evil). I was presented with a packet of Benson’s and a bottle of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey for my pay and then I set about playing from 6pm till 4am - messing with the computer hooked up to the amp and twiddling equalizers and volume control’s while playing the best of what I had.

All was going really well until around 11pm when I was passed a ready rolled joint of some very potent Mari-Jo - I pretty much stopped smoking the delights of Mari-Jo back in 2000 when I came back from Malawi the first time around - you see, once I came back from 6 months of no longer smoking it, my tolerance level had disappeared and I no longer kept pace - also I just generally preferred being sharp and able to think again - getting stoned on Mari-Jo no longer felt the way it used to - now it just put my head in a cloud of confusion and seemed to make me less sociable and more withdrawn, so I just figured I’d had a good innings up until then and left it at that.

So as I knew that my smoking days were over and my tolerance levels are now around zero, I left the J sitting there on the mixer for an hour or so until I did what any half wasted individual would do - said “Ah fuck it” and smoked the whole damn thing in the time it takes to smoke the average cigarette.

Initially no problems - nicely rolled, mellow buzz, sweet taste - but then 10 minutes later it was like a Pirate Galleon to the back of the head and my mind went to Mars - absolutely spoon-faced.

What ever the fuck was in that joint, it’s not what should of been on the menu upon re-entering the world of smoking Gods greenest for the first time in a mighty long while.

Suddenly Moonbatted out of existence, I had considerable difficulty messing about with track listings, playlists, mixing faders and equalizers - Paul had also explicitly explained that when the beat ratio ojeni went up into the red light area ojeni, I was supposed to turn the volume down a bit to make sure the whole thing didn’t automatically shut itself off - I had been pretty good about this so far - but now I couldn’t really focus on the lights any longer.

There was a big whitey on the horizon and I fucking knew it - in such situations to avoid ”pale-face porcelain-god praying in the form of upchuck”, there are three main answers:

1) Water
2) Chair

3) and finally - stop drinking fucking strong Irish whiskey for a bit.

You see my initial theory upon head-caving was that if one type of fuckedupness fought and overpowered the fuckedupness of another type, then I would go back to being whiskey-drunk instead of super-stoned.

This Doesn’t Work.

It’s like trying to put out a fire with alcohol.

Just makes a new monster that’s more difficult to control than the first situation.

It’s like kicking a Gremlin in the ass and have him turn into Godzilla.

It’s high end stupidity.

But it made total sense at the time.

So once I’d picked up the pieces of my mind and put them in some form of order, I hoped no one had noticed that the songs had been pretty much sorting themselves out at random for 30 mins or so and got back to the job in hand.

I hadn’t really enjoyed being so wrecked you see, it was like I’d tipped my mind into and abyss and had then spent the next hour or so abseiling down into the darkness to try and find it - when what I really should of done was enjoy standing around with a stupid grin on my face while relaxing into the music that I was (supposed to be) playing.

Later I finished off the Jameson’s as 4am rolled around and I decided to go check out what was going on elsewhere in town - there had been a big bash for 300-400 people at Doogle’s that the girls had gone to - sure enough, upon arrival I found Rose and Ziegler still going amongst the remains of the party before me - we gathered up a few other stragglers and headed to Tuska and on to Sunnyside for dawn - where people danced on chairs - again.

Unsurprisingly, this 4am to 8am period is when the sunglasses and phone met their doom.

Last call Doogle’s for fry-up breakfast - and then I made a bed out of some uncomfortable metal chairs.

Slightly trampy.

But not rock under the sun trampy.

Spo | March 20, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

March 16, 2007

The Reason to Move to Malawi…..

As long as I’ve got the HTML code correct, clicking the above should also take you to the flickr version where you can click the “all sizes” icon and access the full size shot (1440 x 2560) as well.

Spo | March 16, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

March 15, 2007

Midget Mania……

Question: Is there anything funnier on this earth than a Midget?

Answer: Only More Midgets.

Midgets - funny little fuckers aren’t they? - never seen an old one though - Half the size, half the life I guess - and not many Black or Chinese ones either..... in fact, generally I think there used to be a lot more of the little blighters around than nowadays - like they got one midget and digitally duplicated him for the new Charlie Chocolate Factory thing - maybe they couldn’t find enough Umpa Lumpa’s like they could before?

Hope they aren’t dying out - that would be awful - but apparently in the same way that if you killed all Donkeys in the world they would not be extinct as two horses can still fuck and make a donkey, the same applies to midgets.

Not Horses making midgets though - people can make midgets apparently - two people can make a midget - so they will never die out.

Thank god - a world without midgets would be a world without laughter.

Their little squeaky voices and little Tyrannosaurus arms - Oh midgets!

One of my greatest ever TV moments was the Littlest Groom hosted by Dani Behr (who used to host the Word on C4) - it was like the Bachelorette thing except this little man midget had to choose a wife from 12 other woman midgets - the best part being they went on specific midget style dates like shetland pony riding and very-mini golf - and then they introduced three tall playboy bunny bikini babes into the mix and little midget dude went for a hot-tub with them looking literally like a child at Christmas - the midget girls were spitting fury at that one.

Oh midgets!

Click here for Midget Mania - a collection of clips of the greatest midgets of all time.

Click here for the Legendary Tucker Max’s story of fucking a prom queen midget at the little people convention.

Spo | March 15, 2007 | Comments

March 15, 2007

Galimoto update….

“Look after my car OK? I had no problems with it the year I was here - should be fine - you’ve got previous, so take it easy”

Robins words to me before leaving Malawi.

Since January, when he left the car in my hands, it has needed the following:

• 1 new tyre after it blew out in first week hitting something during a rainstorm
• 2 new fan-belts
• 1 new battery.
• 1 missing piece of ojeni off the front bumper.
• 1 tow & service after cooling system broke down Friday night and car nearly exploded on Saturday morning - Mechanic’s wide eyed exclamation of “he was actually driving this thing in this condition!!??!?!”.

How else did he expect us to get to the bar?

So, not bad so far.

I’ve not actually crashed yet.

Spo | March 15, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

March 14, 2007

No Surprises…..

In the Last Kiss, Zach Braff’s character explains that nailing Rachel Bilson was down to looking ahead in life and seeing the turning 30 mark - the job, the wife, the kids - and suddenly there’s no surprises - so he did something arguably very stupid and made a mistake - although Rachel Bilson is a rather splendid mistake to make - I mean if you are looking at weighing the pain and heartache to come against a night of sheer unadulterated Bilson banging, then you can see why many a man stronger than Mr.Braff would say it’s worth it - she mighty fine indeed.

Furthermore you’d know you were doing wrong, so you’d really make sure you savored the moments - As Ron Burgundy would say “go to pleasure town” - you’d be wheelbarrowing Bilson around your apartment, fucking burrowing to China from dusk till dawn, getting her into every uniform you can think of, one for each room of the house, Bilson ass bouncing off the walls running round the show in a whipped cream bikini and ending the night sweating more than a blind lesbian in a fishmongers.

And then you’d go home and get in trouble with the future wife and sleep on the doorstep for three nights.

But you’d always remember Rachel Bilson’s look of surprise in the mirror as you flipped her over and went down like you were trying to wear her as a hat.

The night a mistake.

But not a regret.

I’m 30 in June and also look ahead to the future and have to admit that as surprising and califragafuckinglistic as the places I’ve ended up over the last ten years have been, I do look ahead and see no surprises - I mean it’s an office life in Rotterdam with a ceiling of responsibility - doing a job that although I know very well, hasn’t sparked a flame of interest for about three years now - going through the motions. Future travels will be curtailed by the movements in the company currently taking place - in every corner of the world where we are represented, there’s now a guy stationed in each that’s likely to be there for the foreseeable.

I do appreciate what I have - but I don’t think it’s what I want.

So when Paul says come run the Gecko show at the lake - to invest a shareholding - further develop on the island opposite - the new shop - the chembe project selling Cape Mac water - and Yuni says she needs to get out of Jakarta as soon as possible and she’s run places like this already......

I look at the current jobs security of an established career, it’s 9-5, it’s pensions, it’s insurance, the schools for future kids, the stability and I compare to sunsets, hammocks, lakeside drinks, swimming in Nyasa waters, Kampango fish on the barbecue, music playing, making people happy......building a resort reputation of note.

I could be about to make a mistake indeed.

But I don’t for one moment think it will be a regret.

And it could very well turn out to be the leap of faith that keeps me waking up smiling for the rest of my days.

Much like I imagine Zach Braff’s character does when he thinks about that night with Rachel Bilson.

Spo | March 14, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

March 12, 2007

So Dead they’d have to bury me twice……

Monday afternoon and I’m 18 minutes from 5pm and making a break for taking my broken self home and bringing the salvation of food and bed.

I had a little surprise burp earlier and a sneaky little bit of sick came up.

Nice.

Every Monday in recent memory has been a broken one, but this one has been particularly punishing - the Gecko Girls came to Blantyre and indulged in forbidden fruits such as restaurants, bars, swimming pools and TV - such things denied out where they are based teaching in the Milosa schools on the foothills of Zomba plateau.

Friday and the bar with drinks in the pool till near dawn wasn’t the kicker - neither was the whole waking late for work at midday Saturday - finding myself with no phone and a car overheating to the point of explosion and having to get to work and taste a blend - the killer was the Saturday night.

After the Italian meal at Hosteria, Rose, Ziggy and Abbi crashed at mine, leaving myself, Cate and John to head over to Paul’s and drink till around 2am - this malicious mix of vodka, whisky and Po10c propelled the three of us to end up in a locals club off the beaten track called Kambaa - worried that unwelcome paws would be clawing at our beautiful blond English queen, we made sure to keep an eye on the prize and head off any fishing eeway’s at the first attempt - however, upon making my way across the dance floor I realised it was in fact myself who needed protecting - those women were like the vampires from Dusk Till Dawn - hands appearing from all angles - belt being pulled - arms grabbed - and they went for the money shot as well - I’m talking more than a tap - proper cuppage - shy they were not.

Time ticking on and the drinks flowing through us freely, we needed to dance and while Kambaa had character, we decided the place to move to was Tuska in town - walking in it’s nothing special - wooden viewing balcony over concrete dance floor - bar on the right - but such places just need the the right mix of music, the right people and the right amount of alcohol coursing through their veins - and we checked all boxes.

Playing a blend of local Kwasa Kwasa and hip-hop, the night kicked into gear - Cate owned the floor and drank what ever came her way, John seemed to know everyone and the DJ played some floor movers despite his drunken mixing - I was doing a fine job of destroying their stocks of JW Red till I danced into a hole in the floor and twisted my ankle - looked like a spoon for a second and then kept dancing - alcohol foolishly allowing for such things, as the next days swollen foot taught me.

We danced until the dawn broke through the door - always a sign that time has got away from you when the daylight is so bright outside and you never even had the savvy to see the sun sneak up across the way.

This should usually have acted as a big sign saying “home and bed” - but John (who by this point was completely and utterly fucked up beyond all recognition) decided that there was a place in Chilangoma village somewhere and we could carry on there - another guy called Mavuto dressed in sharp suit and shades was also a member of our pack by this point - I make a point of mentioning this as “Mavuto” is chechewa for “trouble” and find it amusing that anyone would name their child ”trouble” as soon as they arrived on Gods Green Earth - he was a bouncer of some description and I bought his shades off him for 1000mkch due to the sunlight becoming an enemy to my eyes as the morning developed.

They’re Gucci’s.

And they cost 4 quid.

Real deal, honest Guv’nor.

After waking up a none too impressed friend of ours called Patrick and establishing that, no, he didn’t want to come drinking at the bottle store round the corner at 730am, we then had a few more drinks at this hole in the wall John directed us to. It was not long before Cate and I decided that John was beyond broken and needed to be put down as soon as possible - we also needed to crash sometime soon ourselves - We said our goodbyes and drove back to Limbe, where we deposited our drunken dreadlocked achemwene on Pauls driveway before heading for home.

Of course we couldn’t return not bearing gifts, so we went to the bakery to stock up on savoury delights for the others - drunkenly jumped the queue outside and started ordering various cakes and muffins to be added to a bulging bag of goodness - once finished I asked the fellow for the bill and was shocked to hear it came to 7040mkwch ($50)- “punishing” I thought to myself but reasoned “suppose maybe doughnuts are expensive here” and started doling out the cash - Cate stopped me when she realised I was being a tool and had just misheard 740 rather than 7040 - good intervention, as I would rather of just paid and left than have a wasted conversation about the price of bread.

Home on the horizon and 8am ticking by there was one more stop to make.

Doogles bar and lodge where full monty English Fry up’s with all the trimmings were all that was on our menu’s and in our hearts and minds.

No finer way to finish an evening.

Spo | March 12, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

March 9, 2007

Life is like a box-2, you never know what you’re going to get……

Tuesday night I managed to lock myself out of my house again - previously I’d got back from the lake on Monday and found I’d left the latch on the door from the inside so had to go crash at Paul’s - the next morning after 8am once Beth had started work and come with her own keys for the side door, I arrived back at my place. I got a quick shower, rushed around a bit and left for auction at 830am looking a bit lake-side with my sunshine skin and 4 day stubble - I proceeded to bumble through the day, only to return and now find that in my morning whirlwind, I’d left my keys indoors - swore the gods for fucking with me when so broken and headed back to Paul’s again.

On the way there I headed up the Zomba road and spied a figure dancing down the centre of the road in front of me - carefree kind of jogging and dancing at the same time with his arms flailing in the air - seemingly singing at the top of his voice - wearing only a tatty oversized pair of white Y-fronts:

“aha” I thought to myself.

“a Box-2 on the loose again”

I got to Paul’s and he informed that the guy had been out there all day - running up and down the road - jumping on car bonnets in the rain and trying to hump the engines - he’d been holding up traffic, nearly getting run over, probably slapped a few times - just dancing up the middle of the street in his pants trying to have sex with automobiles.

The thing is that even though this is one of the more outstanding cases - it’s not a surprise.

Over in Zomba they have the mental hospital - very far away from the sunshine enthusiasm of Hollywood’s happy go lucky kooky board game playing hearts of gold - first off you have Box-39 and these boys don’t get let loose - that place must be the stuff of Freddy Kreuger’s very own nightmares - that’s a serious pit of no return and someone should be making a slasher flick about back-packers that accidentally stumble across it - we’re talking dark side of the moon barking like a dog trying to eat their own feet shit-house crazy - strapped to beds and left there cases.

Then you have Box-2 - still fucking nuts - but not in a cannibalistic kind of way - more a dribbling dancing mumbling dustbin state of affairs - usually found in the middle of the road wandering aimlessly talking to themselves with only a badly cut loincloth to cover their modesty - the box-2 is a strange beast who should be avoided at all costs - and certainly not to be trusted with animals, as numerous reports of Donkey humping incidents will testify.

They wander the hills around the asylum and often make their way to the town of Zomba and even as far as nearby Limbe - whether these day trips are officially sanctioned or whether they are the result of slack Malawian attitudes to security, I don’t know - but what I do know is that they seem like the African versions of Jack from Father Ted and are always a welcome addition to the day - you just don’t know what they’ll do next - crazy little ojeni’s.

Spo | March 9, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

March 8, 2007

Weekly Lake Zooalookalowa Bwino update…..

Spo | March 8, 2007 | Comments
Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

March 8, 2007

Top of the evening to ya Amigo…….

Last Thursday we drove out to Mulanje to walk the golf course with the tea guys and drink a beer per hole (13 holes) - dusk was setting in over the Gargantuan Mulanje Mountain - a truly awe inspiring African Ayres Rock imitator - and the course is set upon it’s foothills.

Despite the clear blue sky, the Moon was making it’s appearance and the clouds were settled upon the beast of stone before us - there was a moment when the end rock was wearing a sombrero upon it and I snapped it with the Nokia.

God I wish I still had that Panasonic DMC FX8 that I bounced off the floor of Gecko - it’s making it’s way to UK via DHL to be fixed and returned. Until then, seeing as the local store, GAME, is a bit useless and overpriced, I’m either using the Nokia camera phone (as per shots above) or the clickers of others that I can beg and steal the SD cards from (as per recent wknd).

Problem is there’s too much out here that’s click-worthy though - I love that camera and want it back in my paws as soon as possible.

Spo | March 8, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

March 6, 2007

Gecko Girls, Good Times……..

What can I say? well I’ll quote some random girl at 2am - “I’ve lived here for 4 and a half years and this is the best fucking party I’ve ever seen at the lake - you people are fucking amazing” - that says it all I think.

My previous intention to drive up to the lake “bright and sparky” early on Friday was foiled by the fact Lauren and I had spent the previous night drinking and dancing in Blantyre until 4am - I’d crashed (to bed) at 430am and was up again at 7am to get organised and go fetch her from having breakfast with her father - something that had seemed pretty important the previous evening as she hadn’t seen him for a while - upon arrival no one at her place thought she was even at the house - still half wasted from the previous night I stumbled through events in reverse and muttered “well..... I thought I brought her home....” as I stared off into the distance hoping a spark would ignite my memory and I’d remember exactly where I’d left her - I mean, someone says you are at their place and they get out and walk to the gate, you wave goodbye and hit reverse for home - you don’t hang around to make sure that they haven’t got out at the wrong house - they are the one that told you to stop there.

Obviously her parents didn’t seem too impressed with the whole “I thought I brought her home” statement.

Luckily the cook appeared, assuring everyone that she did in fact come home and that he’d been woken at 4am by her drunken bumbling attempts to get past a locked gate and find another way in - he’d helped her out and she was now in the spare room - I made an attempt to try and convince everyone that perhaps it had been more like 2 or 3am - but the cook assured all present it was definitely 4am - I thought to myself “cheers for digging my hole a little deeper my friend”.

Lauren appeared - has to be said - looking all for the world like someone who had been dancing on tables and drinking until 4am - and to be honest I guess I wasn’t looking much better - not a great set-up for a meet and greet the folks before a 3 or 4 hour drive to the lake and the beginning of the long wknd to end them all.

Never the less we collected ourselves and got on the road to go collect the Gecko Girls from Zomba - Abbi, Ziggy, Kate and Rose - Paul and John ahead in another car meant we had the room for all. After a few beer stops we arrived at the lake around 11 or 12ish and plans were made for the Saturday night that was brewing.

You see we’d heard of a bar up the beach that was planning a big party that night - it didn’t take us long to make a plan and that plan was basically: flier advertising around the bars of Blantyre, giving the heads up to all we know, getting the night mentioned on the local radio, Gecko girls serving a happy hour of half price drinks, as many shots of potency as possible, bar dancing, I-tunes playlists set up on the computer linked to the speakers and making sure we were stacked up full of every alcoholic drink we could think of.

We knew it would blow the other party out the water, but we didn’t expect the amount of people that actually turned up - apparently it was bigger than new year - there was around 150 people I think, maybe more - you can’t see from the pictures as we could only take a few from early on around the bar - there’s better ones to come from a guy called Dave’s camera that really show how big a night it was - as Paul said, it’s a team effort to keep things running smooth when it’s like that - in a bar of the size of Gecko, which usually accommodates 30 or 40 or so on the average busy Saturday, you need everyone on top of their game - Levi and John gathering empties and sorting lamps and ashtrays, the professor and the guards keeping regular checks on the toilets, Paul orchestrating everything from making sure people had Mozzie spray sitting out on the beach to the bar having small change notes, the girls working the bar and getting people dancing, Anton overseeing everything with Ronald working his socks off to back the girls on the money and drinks side with clean glasses and stocked fridges - not a usual thing to find a bar in Malawi that actually has it’s shit together for such an event.

Special mention has to go to the Gecko Girls - an hours worth of training in the afternoon to get to grips with prices and where things are - they ruled the roost and got things moving when things began to pick up from 7pm onwards - through happyhour at 8 to 9 and then continued to keep the vibe of the evening going from there on in. Kate was Queen and continued on after the happy hour was through - but all four played a great game - even once the Po10C took over - Abbi suffering big time the next day, praying to that white porcelain god and Ziggy forcibly removed from drink serving duties by Kate when it was evident her special blend of chaos and destruction would be of more benefit to the other side of the bar where people where dancing, rather than where money was changing hands and glass was flying around. Rose found her natural home atop the bar dancing all night easily last standing - and repeated the feat the next day staying up till 6am - girl got power.

Could of been the Po10C though.

Which, if you haven’t experienced such ojeni, is the Malawian Samsong - purple shots of power that light up the darkest of eyes and refuel the tiredest dancers - not totally sure what’s in it - all such things say caffeine - but when a drink such as this never makes it out of Southern Africa you do wonder whether the harsher inspections of the EU ingredient brigade have barred it from UK shores and the like - all I know is that if you drink Po10C all night, it’s not far off the same kind of wasted you get with that amphetamine fueled Thai Red-Bull and Samsong mix we indulged in heavily over in Ko-Phang-Nghan.

I couldn’t really appreciate how hectic it was due to being in my corner sorting the music - we’d paced the night with selections that blended well together and every tune was hitting it’s mark for about four or five hours - there was still some intervention required - such as when the Hen party needed some stripper music and it took me less than a second to throw in Stevie Wonders “Superstitious” - generally we just plucked the best from 25GB of music and changed it about to suit what was working - songs of the night being Jamie T’s Calm Down Dearest and Gnarls Barclay’s Smiley faces” & Magic Numbers “Take a chance” along with notable crowd pleaser’s the Killers, Kaiser Chiefs, Arctic Monkeys, Faithless, The Strokes, Razorlight, Foo Fighters, The Kooks, The Dears, Raconteurs, Libertines, Finlay Quaye, OK-GO, Bloc Party, Snoop Dogg, OutKast, Beyonce, Kanye West mixed with old classics from the Tribe Called Quest, US3, the Stones, Beatles, Jackson Five, Jimi Hnedrix, Paul Simon, James Brown, Isley Borthers, Kool & the Gang and some less well known funky stuff like Mr.Scruff, Thievery Corp, Rae & Christian, Nightmares on Wax and some local Kwasa Kwasa which really makes people shake their ass.

However, around 1 or 2 am it was evident people were still dancing and wanting more, the playlist created earlier was easing towards a slower state of play - this was not really the time to have to engage brain due to the vast quantities of vodka, Po10C, Jack D I’d consumed - also the generally exhausting nature of concentrating on a computer screen while jumping around the bar area for the best part of five hours actually does take it out of you a bit - suddenly being required to zip around with the mouse find and drag and drop that exact track from library to playlist all within the time of the track that was playing was not quite so easy anymore.

Folk were also fairly wasted at this point and suddenly everyone has that track in mind you have to play and knows that their song is the one that all others need to hear - this is the part of the evening when being in control of the music becomes a curse rather than a blessing - this is the part of the evening when you just want to punch people regardless of whether they are towering South African monsters, babes of note or fucking idiots asking you if you have JJ fucking Cale for the millionth fucking time - who ever the fuck JJ fucking Cale is - I actually snapped at that point and had John throw him out - I remember saying it Pulp Fiction style as well:

Say it again - say JJ Cale one more time - go on, I dare you - say it one more god damn fucking time - I double dare you motherfucker - say JJ fucking Cale one more fucking time!
but you must have JJ Cale?
GONE! JOHN! HE’S FUCKING GONE! GONE I TELL YOU!

In the end I bailed at around 2 or 3am and let Anton take over with his special blend of Shaun Paul and that same fucking Mozambican song which he played four fucking times in an hour.

After final few more double-drinks with Paul to summarise and survey, folk drifted away and I passed out in a chair on the veranda - the lapping of the lake sending me to dream land in seconds - job done.

Though most definitely to be done again one day - for sure-sure.

Spo | March 6, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

March 1, 2007

So what does all that McGuffin linked on the side mean?……

The hit counters for this place are going through the roof and it seems there are currently between 200 to 300 visitors a day and around 6500 since I set up mid Jan - I only know this due to the info given to me by the expression engine program that runs this place - not many folk leave comments so I don’t know who is reading - but I suppose this is due to the awkward nature of the comment system which you get to via clicking comments at the end of each post - with the email address/word verification thing it’s not as instinctive as something like haloscan which I might be able to sort at a later date - however folk saying hello via email or the comments is always welcome (Hint! Anna, Cassie, Helen, Rona etc etc )

Anyways, it was brought to my attention by a few folk that many of the visitors are not too savvy with blogging and don’t take for granted what everyone else doing this type of thing reads as gospel - for example the headers you see up top there, “posts of past” & “recently” will bring drop down menus that allow you surf back to particular months / posts - this front page only displays the last 10 written so if you want to find something older from the last two years or so, you need to use the links.

Also each post has categories they fit into - clicking on one of these should bring up all the posts under that heading - furthermore, over on the left side-bar there, scroll down a bit and you can find the full list of categories available - eg: pictures.

If you want larger versions of some of the pictures shown you should click on the buzznet or flickr badges further down the left side bar - I’m also working on a way to allow this to work from the front page here - html coding that means I can upload photo’s to flickr and then link to the posted picture on the site before you so you get the automatic link by clicking on the photo in question - currently I use photobucket and that doesn’t do that automatically, it just provides hosting for the picture at the size you see here. The thing is that in a country with faster connection speeds or broadband uploading photo’s to websites is no prob, but here it takes a while to put pics up at speed rates of 52kbps and photobucket is quicker than flickr.

The links directly to the left are for ojeni I use on a regular basis and also what’s needed for accessing torrents and watching TV / movies online (if you got the speeds for it).

For example, when in the lands of the West I use u torrent for all my downloads - torrents being links to files that folk are sharing on the net and can be anything from anti-virus software with code packs, to the latest hollywood releases - you have to download and install the utorrent program and also tweak the settings using advice from reading the same sites FAQ and also using google to search for better tips on the programs performance.

Once utorrent is installed, any torrent link you click on will be opened and downloaded to your machine using this program - the question now is which torrents are the most reliable and trustworthy and how do you find them - for this I use either hypoh.com which basically reviews and links the latest quality movie torrent releases - or I use isohunt.com and look at the zietgiest to judge what’s fresh out there and popular - (tip: seeds are folk holding the whole file and leechers are those that are accessing it at that time - more of either of those = popular and therefore worth the download, possibly) - in general there’s a lot of ojeni to learn about torrents and googling such things will bring you more - this is just a quick overview to get you started with the basics - what I do advise is that anything you click on from Hypoh.com will always be the real deal and should move pretty quick in terms of download speeds.

Using ISOhunt.com’s search facility you can find pretty much anything you want due to the fact that the site searches all the other torrent sites out there - so if you want a certain film or album/artist use that.

Now then torrent downloads aren’t exactly how the industries envisaged how people would access their work - indeed if there’s a band I love then I buy the album (eg: new Bloc Party album weekend in the city) - but my I-pod didn’t get to 25GB of music (about 6500 songs/18 days of play) by exchanging hard earned moola for such ojeni. In order to keep relative anonymity online then I’d recommend using downloading P2P guardian and also hiding your IPaddress - as you never know who is watching.

Once you’ve got the files you want then I’d say you should use a program called Nero to transfer to DVD/VCD - if you use ISOhunt you should be able to find a torrent to install it for free that will come with a code generator so you don’t actually have to pay for it. There’s also the VLC player which you can install for free and will play any file type you ask it to on your computer - more useful than things such as windows media player and Quicktime etc. If you need DVD covers for the disc’s you’re burning then there’s a pretty simple search and set up site here. You can now say goodbye to paying for cinema tickets and the latest album releases.

Now for TV and movies online the best site is AddictiveJunk.com as these types of sites usually get shut down and moved around a lot, but this link always lets you know where they’ve moved on to - and there’s also allucTV and MahTV as well. Obviously you can use youtube and daily motion as well - but getting the videos on to your computer is a different matter - for this you can use this for youtube and this for everything else.

I think the rest of the links are fairly self explanatory - I move around a lot so it’s a way for me to carry the links with me where ever I log on - including those of for fellow freinds and writers like Eric and Raspberry which you can find via the ports of call at the top right.

Right - lesson over - I’m now going to go fetch Lauren and head over to the planters club in Mulanje where the tea folk go drinking every Thursday - then bright and sparky at around 8am (well depending if there’s a hangover involved or not) we’re driving into the loooonnnnnngggg wknd at the lake - Friday through to Monday at Gecko - I’ll try not to drown and keep the bar tab the right side of reasonable..... but it is four days so.....

Spo | March 1, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Film / TV / Music | Ojeni | Tech Tips | Videos & Links

February 28, 2007

Who is more foolish, the fool? or the fool who follows the fool the wrong way down a one way street?

I really have to start taking notice of things like road signs and traffic lights - last night was the second time in two days I’ve driven up the wrong way down the Limbe one way system - although I do love the open mouthed expressions of the folk passing by, I appreciate it’s not something I should find entertaining.

The thing with driving in the third world is that I really am perfect for it - I can drive through red lights, rear up on to the pavements, overtake on corners and generally ignore the rules of the road and other drivers - that’s how I drive out here as that is how everyone else drives out here - reverting back to the norm in the Western world is impossible once you’ve enjoyed the freedom of making up the rules yourself.

Of course rules are there for a reason - like one way signs - and I’ve always said, rules are more for the guidance of the wise and the obedience of fools.

But I think this is a phrase that should apply more to such things as drinking licensing hours than driving.

Spo | February 28, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

February 26, 2007

Malawian Style Wknd…….

It’s been quite a weekend in the warm heart of Africa - Friday drinks in the Thyolo tea district ended with me driving back to Blantyre (about 50 or 60 km) around 8ish - I got caught in one of the fiercest rain storms I’ve ever had the misfortune to encounter - the rain flying horizontally towards the windscreen like a thousand spears - I could see about 2 or 3 metres in front of the car and that was it - I was driving eyes wide, looking like a rabbit in the headlights indeed - think it was part of the cyclone that has recently swept through Mozambique and arrived here announcing itself with torrential downpours and lightening that lit up the whole horizon across the valley - awe inspiring sight if you are sitting on the veranda watching the show - but driving into it inspires a little more fear and trepidation.

The the thing I like about the weather in Africa is that it’s honest - it gets things over and done with pretty quick - you know where you are with it - when it rains it really rains - none of that 24 hour not quite rain but not quite mist nonsense that perpetually falls upon English shores.

However, the force and power of an African rainstorm can be devastating and getting caught slap bang in the middle of such an event is definitely worrying because you see so much evidence of the after effects - huge sections of road just washed away and villages are submerged in seconds if built in the path of flood waters from the hills - combine this with the general uselessness of the average Malawian road user and running around in such conditions is a recipe for disaster.

Never the less after doing about 10kmph for 50 mins or so I’d escaped the worst of it and came out the other side - I headed straight to Paul’s and put a dent into his whiskey collection to calm the nerves.

Saturday morning and I was up bright and sparky to get back out to Thyolo and help out with the 4x4 rally taking place across the tea fields - all the tea planters get involved and there were around 15 packed cars entering - it all has a treasure-trail question and answer element to it, but essentially it’s go from A to B and try not to crash - which is a tricky thing after the rains of the night before.

The Gods were still bailing out the heavens when I arrived to meet Roy at around 8am, but it wasn’t as bad as the night before and i could see the road ahead of me - that was a vast improvement. I had been specifically told by the higher powers of my company that I was not allowed to enter the rally due to the expensiveness of the vehicle and my rather chequered history at the wheel - therefore I signed up for Marshalling duties meaning that we’d set up at the halfway point and see the cars through, checking times and distances etc - we would also be in charge of cooking up a storm on the Bar-B-Q and handing out the beers - the promise of which was kind of why I got out of bed at such an ungodly hour on a fucking Saturday to go stand about in a muddy field in the pouring rain watching insane folk drive 4x4’s around an impossible circuit - a large quantity of free beer and fried breakfast will make me do pretty much anything I guess.

I volunteered my car to take us to the spot and we loaded up the back with all the necessary and set off - I soon discovered that driving these muddy trails between the tea bushes is no easy task and as we headed over one hill and round a bend I lost it completely, as the car span to the right and we ended up suspended over the trail that was fast becoming a muddy river way beneath us. I jacked the beast into 4x4 and felt the power surge immediately - I had instantaneous grip and even the rivers of mud pouring around us proved no problem - scary thing is that you get too confident with such an animal under your control - the devil inside woke up and started to whisper in my ear that all this Colin McCrae-type monkey business was no problem at all - Roy was worried for his tea bushes around us, so I toned it down and returned back to reality - remembering the words of the higher powers about not crashing the company car and also remembering that we had nearly stacked it not five minutes before hand.

We set up at one of the leaf collecting points, but the bamboo roof was not going to keep either us or the cooking safe from the falling rain - we needed a Tarpaulin cover so I set off back to Roy’s and while on the way he rang to say I’d need to get the food as well - seems as though we only remembered the beer when actually setting out first off - after a bit of back and forth we got going and the morning shot past as cars came and went with drivers tales of woe and a few fuck ups ending in 90 degree right angle ditch malarkey.

The afternoon was spent sitting out in the sun watching the final stages back at the sports club where the field had been turned into a 4x4 assault course - drivers with a bucket on their head are navigated around by their co-pilot as they try and stay within the lines and keep the car upright when trying to take the sharp corners across the grassy verges. The course ended with a giant pine see-saw where the participants have 3 minutes to balance the car level for 15 seconds - with cold beers in hand it doesn’t matter how many times you see someone attempt this feat - it never gets dull.

From the surounding forest the crowd of villagers cheered their appreciation as a white Toyota held true for the 15 seconds required - subsequent later attempts didn’t get close - though this could be due to the amount of alcohol consumed by then - drinking since 9am, I had difficulty getting a sense of balance just walking to the bar, never mind trying to balance a giant 4x4 on a humongous pine see-saw.

I bailed to Paul’s for the football as dusk began to fall - record timing of 30 mins from Thyolo to Limbe still didn’t stop me missing the first two Liverpool goals - but two more came our way as well as Sheff Utd were thumped 4-0. Achemwene John was in residence and once Liverpool’s victory was sealed, we headed to Jungle Pepper Pizza to grab the munch necessary to see us through the next game - on the way he asked after Debbie and I told him what had taken place when we met and that over the last week I’ve rcvd three more txt msg’s from her as follows:

• A poem telling of how she still declares undying love for me.
• Two days later asking if we could still be friends.
• Two days later telling how she has a boyfriend from Italy visiting and asking if I’d like to meet him.

Good looking she may be - but shithouse rat crazy she definitely is.

Anyways evening was drawing in and I was beat - though I was at that level of drunk to want to carry on despite the lack of petrol in the tank - I headed back to get changed and go find a place to get into trouble - I lay my head for a moment to think about a plan and before I knew it Sunday was upon me.

Sunday was heading in the direction of the usual mix of whiskey, banter, football and failing to chalk off any number of things upon my list of items to take care of - such as buying a new TV to replace the one that blew up a week or so ago and a camera to replace the one I bounced off the Gecko lounge floor at gone past 1am when coherence and co-ordination had left the bar.

GAME, the South African superstore that has set up shop in Blantyre, had a sale on - a 10 mega pixel beautiful Samsung Digital camera was on offer reduced to around $480 - but unfortunately it was a Malawi style sale so the conversation I had the other day went like this:

Me: “Is the Sale advertised in the paper on today?”
Roderick the useless smiling sales assistant: “Ah, yes - it is on - certainly”
So the this camera reduced to 68’000 is available?
Ah, no - not that one - sorry
Oh - so is it coming in soon?
Maybe sir, maybe....
Perhaps not until the sale is finished, right?
Maybe sir, maybe....
Are any of the items in the sale actually on sale?
Some, maybe not all - but certainly there must be some....
So can you find out if this camera will be delivered soon? and maybe I can pay for it now at the sale price?
Ok sir - I will check for you

Roderick now disappears for something like 15 minutes - when he returns, strolling at a leisurely pace, he smiles and explains as follows:

You see the problem is this - we have this camera on stock - we have five of those camera’s upon this system for stock we have here
Ok - so you do have the camera?
Ah, no.....
Sorry?
You see the system says we have them here - but no one here knows of where these things are inside the warehouse - so therefore we cannot order more of them as we have not sold the one’s we have got
Even though you don’t actually have them?
Yes - that is correct - we have to sell those camera’s first to order more - but we don’t have them - so we cannot order more of those camera’s
Yes - I see
Yes, sorry for that.
Hmmm.... yes indeed

As I said - it’s a Malawi style sale - selling items they do not actually have nor can order for you either.

Five of these Samsung camera’s costing 68’000 each at current rate of 139kwch to the USD$ - that’s nearly $2500 worth of stock - and they don’t know where any of them are - and they don’t really seem to care that much either - meaning that someone does know where they are and they are probably smiling as wide as Roderick - except they are probably smiling for a $2500 style reason where as Roderick was smiling because he probably has some serious mental problems.

So Sunday Paul and I had headed over to his folks who have this beautiful House up on Sunnyside full of African artefact’s and a huge garden like a rainforest - I tried to sort out a blog site for the Malawian History Society Paul’s mother works for - something hampered by my Whiskey intake unfortunately - everyone seems to be holding real quality blends around Blantyre and it is difficult to refuse.

Later during the Carling Cup final Scuba Shack Lauren called out the blue at around 7pm - she’d arrived in Blantyre and wanted to be collected for drinks and gibber - I duly obliged and after Paul had retired late on we headed into town to try and find bars that were still open.

Lucked out with only one place called Twigger still just about open for serious Sunday drinkers like ourselves, so as the night headed north of 12 we took a turn to the pool back at my place...... Castle Beers in the fridge...... luck looked up again.

Need to catch up on some sleep tonight I think.

In fact with the Long Lake Weekend approaching I should be stocking up on sleep all week.

Spo | February 26, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

February 22, 2007

Get up and Gecko……

Spo | February 22, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 21, 2007

Don’t stand so, Don’t stand so, Don’t stand so close to me……..

Late Saturday night a Dutch Girl called Wil wanted a cut-off 2 litre bottle of water so she could fill it with paraffin - Gecko lounge has a thatched rood and general wooden related tomfoolery all around it - paraffin is not it’s friend due to the whole flaming ball of fire connotations that spring up when such a word is mentioned - so inquiries as to what this paraffin was for led to her explaining she was a fire dancer and needed to have a bucket sized ojeni to dip the block-ojeni into - this would then be set on fire and swung around her head and body attached to ropes.

Hmmmm...... how about “no fucking way what so ever???”

I remember going to some sort of really fucked up circus display in the North of Vietnam one time - they had these little Ewok women doing various acrobatic trapeze manoeuvre’s while suspended over the crowd below - swinging around with the rope attached to something they could bite down on so they were free to use their arms to spin a ridiculous amount of hula-hoops around their bodies - quite a sight - even more so when one of them set fire to the hula-hoops and started swinging about the place.

Awe inspiring as such things are - you do appreciate that it’s not exactly a safe situation - if it was the Cirque de Soleil or some shit you’d be confident nothing was going to go wrong and can watch wide eyed as the performance unfolds - but when you are in the back end of beyond of North Vietnam and some dodgy $2 circus show suddenly starts setting fire to trapeze swinging hula-hoopers it puts you on edge for your own personal saftey.

Same deal when sitting on the shores of Lake Nyasa and a half drunk Dutch lady with a funny hat says she needs a bucket of paraffin so she can start spinning flaming blocks on ropes around the place.

So I told her to go stand out by the lake shore and nowhere near anyone or anything that could possibly go up like a tinder house and then she could set fire to herself in peace.

But fair play to her - she really did know her shit when it comes to dancing around amongst spinning trails of fire - impressive indeed.

Even more so when we saw the shots where I left the exposure open;

Spo | February 21, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 20, 2007

Gecko Sunset tours……

For this you will need:

•1 x Nifty Gecko Speedboat with decent amount of petrol to scoot around the bay - check.

•1 x Worldly Wise Master of Lake Nyasa waters - check.

•4 x Damn fine looking English teachers aged 18-22 years - check.

•1 x Cooler of Carlsberg Green - check.

•1 x English Chunky Butler willing to sit on nose of the boat for picture taking opportunities & keeping the nose down when Worldly Wise Gecko master decides to boot the Speedboat into overdrive - check.

•1 x Std. Malawian Sunset - Zooalookalowa Bwino - check.

Spo | February 20, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 20, 2007

Do not underestimate the powers of the Lake-side….

Back, but not burning brightly - this last weekend did indeed take it’s toll - I smile at the memories, but not the cost.

An all time record 2 day bar tab of 22 grand (around $170 which is slightly extravagant for Africa) , 1 broken $500 camera, 1 broken set of Rayban shades (knock off cost in Vietnam $2 - but to replace out here....) and I nearly drowned.

There were sunset boat trips, fire juggling, four beautiful English teachers, drinks such as the Kampango Banger & the Malawian Russian, Kwasa-Kwasa music leading to dancing on the bar again, all round general debaucherised drinking till 830am, near miss of large fucking Ox + front bumper incident on the drive home.

The above shots show the lookout from the bar lakeside first thing Saturday morning - looks like glass - a peaceful serene setting indeed - all you can hear is the distant chatter of the village awaking and the birds in the tree’s - there wasn’t even enough energy in the water to lap at the shore.

365 km long and 52 km wide - covering a surface area of around 28’000km2 - at places they have no idea how far down it goes but estimates that it’s 2 or 3 km - Lake Nyasa is the third largest lake on the continent and thirteenth in the world - with the drop off’s under the surface, currents can be strong and when you see the waves suddenly change direction or when the wind picks up and brings you a sudden display of it’s true power, you appreciate that it’s no paddling pool out there.

Or at least I appreciate that now, where as when I decided to try and swim the 1km or so out to Thumbi Island (above) I think I underestimated it somewhat - my attitude was that it didn’t look that far and the water was as calm as I’d seen it - if we’d taken the Gecko boat out, we’d of been there in five minutes or so - besides I usually just swam out to where you see that boat resting, tap the bhoy and head back - this time I thought I’d keep going and see how tired I got and judge whether I could go all the way.

Once I got past the usual point, I felt like I could’ve easily kept on going - wasn’t tired at all - I headed on further out and I figured that I’d swim over to Thumbi and then, if I was shattered, I could just rest on the beach until I was ready to come back again or hitch a lift with one of the boat tours.

Around 600 or 700 metres out (halfway or so) I thought the sensible thing to do would be to head back to shore and then judge it that way - thinking being that if anything went wrong I’d be closer to people rather than further away - the water wasn’t quite so calm where I was at that time and although it wasn’t exactly breaking waves, I was still feeling the pull and throw of the waters tide rising and falling more so than closer to the shoreline.

I checked over far right and lined up with a boat to judge my position and then began to swim back to Cape McClear and Gecko - which up until then I hadn’t realised was quite so far away - then after five minutes or so of casually paced swimming, I looked across again to see how far I’d moved.

I hadn’t moved at all.

Apart from drifting further left towards the channel of the Cape leading back into the heart of the lake.

At first I just figured that I wasn’t swimming hard enough or perhaps I’d got my bearings out - I pushed a bit harder and that’s when I felt the current I was stuck in - and that’s when I began to panic a bit.

Well began to panic quite a fucking lot actually.

Usually there where fishing canoes criss crossing around this part of the lake, but there was nothing in sight - calling back to shore wasn’t an option as I was too far out - it also wasn’t like there where Bay-watch style lifeguards sitting around the place - the girls where already up and looking out from the bar veranda - I’d waved as I swam out - but waving now would not really of helped as they would of just waved back again and gone back to hangovers and breakfast - I knew that as far as getting anyone to help me out went, I was more than a little bit fucked.

The problem with a realisation like this is that you start to breathe too quickly and you’re blood starts rushing around getting it’s freak on - this leads to you getting tired faster and there is even less chance of pulling out of the current you’re stuck in - which is all very well to know as I sit and type - but when you are just drifting out to the big blue yonder and have no idea how to stop it happening, such knowledge does not really battle to the forefront of your thoughts.

This is because the word “Fuck” is in it’s way.

Stuck on repeat.

So panic set in and swim as hard as I could I did as that was the only answer to the situation in hand.

I pulled out of the current after a while, but once I had, I was fucking shattered - which meant the swim back to shore had now doubled in terms of the effort I had previously thought necessary - I’m far from being the worlds fittest fellow as well - and judging by the mess I’d gotten myself into - far from having the worlds sharpest mind too.

Obviously I got back eventually as I type this for you now - but at the time I was thinking I’d really taken a stroke too far.

Upon return I crawled up the beach and lay flat out on the deck before Paul breathing heavily - twas then that he told me of my foolishness and how many people he knew had underestimated the lake before us - how the current around Thumbi island circles the bay and then drifts out through the channel and out into the blue - that if you stand up on the veranda and look hard you can see the channels with the movements of the water and variations in colour showing the diversity of the depth - Id-jot me just stares out in the distance and thinks it’s a giant swimming pool.

Lauren scalded me later telling how when she’s diving she can sort of see the currents down there and put her hand in to feel the strength of flow - always strongest where the depth drops off and the cold water is rising up - leading me to remember those turtles rushing around the seas of the world in Finding Nemo.

All in all lesson learned - don’t underestimate the Lake.

And as Paul advised - when swimming, left to right along the shore is a much safer option than out into the big blue yonder.

Spo | February 20, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal | Pictures

February 16, 2007

Time to drive to the lake……

Spo | February 16, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 16, 2007

Another Line Drawn…..

Have to be honest and say I don’t feel too good about myself this morning - had a night out yesterday which was one of those evenings where you walk in a place and everyone I saw had not been before me for the last 7 years - the likes of Artist Dave, High pitch Kerry and fly-boy Steve, shit talking Ahmed Bapu and of course Debbie.

She’s still got it but there’s deep, deep sadness in her eyes - every story is one of hardship and all around are passing away - every date they left she remembers - latest being her sister aged 19 - she had been saying that she’d held on to the idea of me coming back one day and carrying on as we were from when I left 7 years ago - I mean I was 22 going on 23 and the first time out the country - fall in with a beautiful girl and it was all about wide eyed wonder and kumwa ndi Kovina (Drinking and Dancing).

I was never going to come back the way she wanted - I think she genuinely held on to the hope that it would all be ok and I ride to the rescue - crazy phone calls and letters aside I’d not seen her for about 7 years - last contact was really when I left for Vietnam back in 2003 and she couldn’t track me down again.

She says she was.... is.... in love - but I think that’s in love with the idea of a better life and that’s what I represented - I mean I was a nice guy to her for those 5 or 6 weeks - and it doesn’t seem like many guys have been too good to her over the last 6 years or so - South African guy knocked her about, near marriage fell through, attacked by three guys one night.... like I said she has all these stories and none of them have happy endings… but she didn’t know jack about me really - you can’t be in love after 5 weeks of just drinking, dancing, sex and smoking Mari-jo - there has to be at least one deep and meaningful conversation somewhere along the line and I don’t remember one ever taking place.

She says there was - in fact it is worrying how much she accurately remembers - reels off quotes, places and dates.

In the end I was lost in catching up with folk over the course of the evening, the drinks flowed and then I didn’t notice as people drifted off home - Ahmed and his cousin wanted to carry on and we agreed to meet at a place - upon arrival doors where shut, Ahmed was nowhere to be seen and then it’s Debbie and I just past 12 - so she stayed at my place and talked long into the night - I felt obliged to listen in a way - seemed like she had a lot to say.

In amongst the tales of woe there were some unsettling indications she isn’t all there - I mean, life she’s had, stuff she’s been through, it’s understandable to be a little off centre - but the fights with people, boy friends houses she’s trashed, situations she has got herself into - slips in tales that indicate she’s not a person to have on your bad side because when it comes down to it, she really doesn’t give a fuck if she feels someone has done her wrong - I was treading carefully, I tell you that.

So I listened until around 2am and tried to go to bed.

That became an issue right there - spare room and mattress wasn’t really on her agenda - guilt tripping became the state of play - tears and tantrums.

Should never of sent her a msg that Friday night - Drunk me really has a lot to answer for.

Fuck I feel bad.

Least it’s done now - another line drawn - she said in the end it would of been better never to have met up again - that’s true - I really regret it - but from her side at least she now knows she should just move on, stop thinking about the possibilities all the time, reality check - she thought I’d been feeling angry all these years and that I’d been “in love” with her as much as her with me back then - when the truth of the matter was she was creating these scenario’s in her head and letting her thoughts run away with her - remembering all these little inconsequential details from when I was still more or less a kid in the world.

She said that not knowing for sure and hoping I would come back was at least a bright part of her day - even if it wasn’t ever going to happen - no need to take it away.

Don’t really know how to argue with that when everything else around her seems to be falling apart.

She said she would go back to Luchenza and gather her things and just disappear somewhere - talked of a guy in Uganda that stays in touch and wants to see her again.

I dropped her off this morning - traffic behind me didn’t really allow much time other than to say “look after yourself” and shake hands - she was expecting a lot more.

Spo | February 16, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

February 15, 2007

I don’t do Spiders - anything but F**king Spiders…….

Living in the places I’ve lived I should be able to handle critters of all shapes and sizes - for the most part this is true - I’m not saying I will ever consider going on Fear Factor, nor am I saying that creepy crawlie ojeni flying thingies don’t make me wary of where I tread and lay my head - but I’ve eaten fried bee’s, drunk wasp whisky and I’ve had some fierce battles with over sized cockroaches (while sitting on the toilet) as well as being bitten by a million mosquitoes over time.

Then there was the Bear Bile Juice LSD style Whiskey in Nghia Lo, something unidentifiable in Bangkok, Goats Brains in Peshawar and Hanoi Dog restaurants.

And don’t forget I’ve drunk the still beating heart of a snake at the Hanoi Snake Restaurant

So obviously I’m not squeamish and I’m open to experience - you have to be if you don’t want to offend peoples cultures - at least try it to say you don’t like it.

The only thing I really regret is the dog restaurants - dog is fucking, putrid, chewy, dark meat that should not be on anyone’s menu - I don’t give a fuck how old the custom is or how fucking poor people are - dog should not be dinner - as Jules says “dogs a filthy animal” and as I’m telling you “it tastes fucking disgusting - don’t fucking eat it”.

But if there is one thing on this earth that will freak the living fuck out of me for forever more, it is fucking god damn motherfucking spiders - I have serious Arachnaphobia - I really really can’t deal with those horrible unpredictable, creepy, eight-eyed, scuttling, jumping, web crawling, nightmare-of-nature bastards.

Really.

I’m like all wide eyed frozen like Jeff Daniels trapped in the basement in the film of the same name (still can’t really watch that film without freaking).

I think it’s all traced back to finding one on my shoulder when I was in the tea fields in Kenya - just sought of saw it out the corner of my eye and it’s sitting there on my fucking shoulder! I screamed like a girl and nearly ran all the way back to Nairobi for fucks sake.

I know people are supposed to conquer their fears and folk say they’re harmless and you just need to let one crawl around on you to get over it (or some other crazy sounding form of get to know your enemy style shit) - but really - Fuck the Fuck off - I’m quite happy to keep on running away from the hairy eight-legged little freaks of evolution rather than start cuddling up to them when I go to sleep - I mean I can’t see any plus points to conquering the fear I have of spiders - the fear exists for a reason and that reason is that they are fucking dangerous and they are not of this earth.

THEY’VE GOT EIGHT FUCKING EYES FOR FUCKS SAKE - I mean what kind of creature needs eight eyes????!!!! EIGHT!!!!! and the other thing is that anyone that finds out I have really bad Arachnaphobia then then joyfully regales me with their own spider stories - and what with us being in Africa - EVERYONE has a spider story or ten.

Paul got chased around his house by an Elephant Spider which had the circumference of the average dinner plate, Mrs.Doran at Zoa tea had some sort of black hairy eight-legged monster attach itself to her right arm and her father had to burn it off with a hot piece of coal (a hot piece of coal for Fucks sake! what are these creatures!), Lauren at Scuba Shack keeps on going on about how you see them scuttling around on the beach at night, Roy was telling me that when he’s killed Baboon Spiders green blood comes out (Green blood for Fucks Sake! again I say what are these fucking creatures!), Maganga tells me of how certain spiders here just don’t have a Chechewa name as they are too grotesque for words and are simply referred to as “the unknown” - Sweet Jesus Ringing the Bells of St Christopher!

With it being rainy season this is when they come out of the forests and down from the tree’s and head for the warmth of peoples houses - imagine! your whole fucking house surrounded by the things! as they slowly creep their way towards your place - inching over the grass and looking for any possible entry point.. AyYiYi… evil creatures.

When I went to Roy Crawfords place out in Thyolo and was sitting in the front room having a beer when I got bitten by a termite - instant reaction is to flick it off and stamp on it muttering about how “I thought that could of been one of those feckin spiders” - which leads obviously on to spider stories and general mickey taking (as everyone else living in Africa and Asia seems fairly at ease with the heinous accidents of evolution) - and then he commented that I shouldn’t go back out the way I came in - inquiring as to why, he told me to go and have a look at the roof of the porch :

Now I know they aren’t the greatest photo’s in the world but I was hardly hanging around to zoom in check the contrast etc - there were fucking shit loads of spiders up there! all those little white bits you see were fucking tennis ball sized nests while that big black ojeni thing was one of the main boys and about the size of my hand - they were fucking dropping down and spinning strands all over the shop - the whole porch roof was COVERED in spiders and spider webs - it was like this was were all spiders come from - it was all I could do to glance up and hold my gaze for a few seconds and refrain from rushing off to find something to burn down Roy’s entire house.

They were scuttling and running around and all kinds of things - fucking horrible, nasty, fucking creatures.

I couldn’t believe his whole fucking porch was one giant fucking spiders nest - “it keeps the mosquitoes out” - YEAH?!?! well that’s all very well but what the fuck keeps the fucking spiders out?????!!! Harsh Fucking Language???!!!

Which brings the age old response of “they’re just as scared of you as you are of them” - people that say these sorts of things should be taken out and fucking shot - spiders are not fucking scared of me at all - they’ve got fangs, they jump, they scuttle, they creep, they make messy web type shit to trap your face in when you walk between tree’s and bushes, they have poison in them that makes you swell up like the fucking Hindenburg and they’ve got EIGHT FUCKING EYES!

Eight of them.

Eight.

Why the fuck should they be scared of me when they’ve got that array of scary-assed shit in their locker?

Fucking Spiders.

Spo | February 15, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 14, 2007

And all you see is where else you no longer want to be…..

It’s always been the way that where ever I’ve ended up, I’ve always been looking off ahead at the next place on the horizon - even in Vietnam, a place I look back on with fond memories that provide a hundred stories, I was looking at the next time I’d get back to UK or where I’d be in two to three years time - everywhere I’ve been lucky enough to happen upon since leaving Malawi in 2000, I’ve always been looking round the corner - instead of around at where I was actually standing right at that moment in time.

Wanderlust I guess - never really settled anywhere - had my moments - Saturday afternoons in bed with Hanh certainly felt like home - may have had more of those moments if I hadn’t been staring off into the distance - seems like what you really want is right there in front of you and you don’t see it at all - it just isn’t in your field of vision until you look back on it. 

And all you see is where else you could be.

I have the msgnr running in the background first thing in the morning - she comes on line every other day and we talk when tea allows and the time difference window is still open - there’s the usual banter, the reminiscing.... leads to things getting heated in a good way.... and then there’s cooling off with talk of work (she works for my company in Vietnam now) and her day to day with the baby - I don’t really ask too much about married life and she never really asks about my situation with whom where-ever..... until the other day when I tried to casually drop in the details about the girl in Indonesia.

She says I never mentioned before, I pleaded ignorance, that I thought I must of alluded somewhere along the line - but I knew I’d never told her I moved on - her situation is that an arranged marriage mapped out the rest of her life before I could take a breath - breathe in - she’s married and a baby is on the way - breathe out.

I mean talk throughout time since then has always been about the day in the future when I would visit - clandestine meetings along the lines of Saturdays in the second floor bedroom of No.19 on 20 - playing along that in the end the situation will be as clear as Lake Nyasa waters - she gets a passport - grabs the kid and next flight to where ever - I meet them at the airport and we all go off together in a new direction - I mean I never honestly thought that would be the case - it’s easy to say and you can see it all playing out in your head like a movie - but the details...... don’t know how the details arrange themselves… they don’t really.

Monday I found that it turns out she thought the same - that it’s ok to play along and talk the talk - imagine it working out like a movie script - gloss over the details the way Hollywood script writers suspend your disbelief by moving things along as quickly and smoothly as possible in order so that you don’t take a step back and say “wait a minute...... she’s a good shot for someone who’s never fired a gun before and how’s he know how to fly a jet plane if he’s from another planet?” - except here it’s “yeah, you’ll just get a divorce, we’ll sort out a visa, I’ll meet you at the airport and then your son will grow up where ever we are and the colonel type arranged marriage husband fellow will just be cool with it all, your family won’t disown you, we’ll find you a job that needs a Vietnamese translator and we’ll all live happily ever after” - but yeah, in reality she never really thought it was all possible either.

So it kicked in on Monday morning and in-depth discussions about the monogamy, faithfulness, love, sex, marriage, lust, denial and different cultures took place - although when ever have such discussions been anything other than in-depth? - it all ended with her telling me to grow up, get married, have kids and be happy with someone else.

All of which I understand and appreciate - all of which I understood was necessary a long time ago - all of which I’ve seriously thought about when it comes to Yuni in Indonesia and other near-miss almost-relationships with girls you meet where sparks fly but time and circumstance are against you - but I think that I’ve always avoided getting this deep on such matters with her as I held on to the far away thought that Hanoi Saturdays in the second floor bedroom of No.19 on 20 would some day be a possibility again - that I knew it wasn’t really possible doesn’t mean I wanted to read the words saying as such - more comforting to play along I suppose.

Truth of the matter is that despite those Saturday afternoons and the times I raise a toast and tell myself I should of married that girl, I was always still looking around the corner none the less.

We both signed off and the day takes you - later I reflected after the event and it feels good to finally draw a line under the whole relationship - especially now I’ve come back to the country I’m never looking beyond the horizon of.

Now I’m back here it all just feels like journeys end and the beginning of the rest of my days....

I’m supposed to fly back to Holland June 28th - two days after turning 30 - and for once I keep trying to forget I’m leaving a place rather than staring at the X marked on the calender that indicates departure.

More on that a different time.

Today I just raise a toast to No.19 on 20.

Spo | February 14, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Daily Life - Vietnam | Personal

February 13, 2007

Gecko Getaway….

Headed out last Friday and I managed to make excuses and escape verk and arrive at Paul’s around 3pm - with each non-lake-residing wknd seeming something like a lost opportunity, I’m either going to end up being really creative with my reasons for disappearing (ie: “erm..... I’m meeting yet another tea producer for a game of golf” despite that producer never ever mentioning such an arrangement nor me knowing how to play golf) or I’ll just have to start being flat out honest (ie: “as no one ever achieves anything of note on Friday afternoon as far as business goes, I’m going to the lake now because I want to have as much time there as possible over the wknd and we can’t drive at night”).

Paul did the driving - always advisable where any situation involves me being the alternate possibility - nailed the whole drive in about 3 and half hours doing 100-120kmph on rainy season roads (medal worthy timing) - 10’000 mkwch fills a tank of petrol for there and back (270 mkwch = 1 GBP 140 mkwch = 1$) so that was split - we battled through a rain-storm of note on the way out but still managed to arrive at just past 6 tirtyish, racing the falling dusk to our destination.

The drive is fairly straight forward in terms of you get on the Zomba road and only really have two turns to make from that point onwards - however, it’s all the ojeni and unpredictable elements that make it a sharp journey - seeing other vehicles are a sparse occurance, so you can end up speeding too fast - when something springs up out of nowhere, accidents happen.

We saw the fresh fires of one incident as we headed through one of the smaller villages - a mini-bus had tried and failed to avoid one of the roadside kids and had then smashed into a corrola coming the opposite way - pieces of metal and blood all over the road - the kid with a half a blanket over him - snapshot of harsh reality you don’t shake from your eyes too easily - we reported it at the next police stop further on, but little could be done by then.

The other thing about the road over rainy season is that the flash floods coming down from the hills can take the road away - look at these shots from either side of one of the main bridges - this water is moving pretty quick and it’s just bubbling under the break of the bridge - half a metre more and there’s no surface to be seen:

Paul’s got the road in his fingers though - and signs such as brown water meaning fell in the last two hours are second nature to him - so when things aren’t looking too familiar up ahead, a drop in acceleration is the order of the day and steady as it goes becomes the motto.

Once we get further on past Mangoche we come to the almost 15km dirt track turning that takes you through the hills and bush to Chembe village at Cape McClear - no easy drive this part of the journey - but rewards for passing the test come in the form of cold beers and sunsets.

Before you know it you are laughing about pygmies late into the night while under the influence of Johnny Walker - which in turn leads to smuggest face competitions - all thoughts of the drive dissipated like the ice in the Whisky.

My turn to drive next though - don’t wish me luck - wish me the lack of needing luck in the first place.

In the end - if it’s the journey there and the road is out - that breaks your plans at the first hurdle.

But if it’s the return journey back - you just turn around, head back to Gecko and the wknd carries on.

Spo | February 13, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 13, 2007

Valentines Massacre…..

Here it comes and all the places in town have something cooking to celebrate - live bands, restaurant deals, cover charge bringing free drinks etc etc - and the persistent psycho ex is sending me text msg’s and missed calls on a daily basis now she has me tracked down (which is admittedly due to my foolish drunken error)..... but I did indeed promise to meet for a drink...... she is attractive and a very good dancer......hmmmm

But.

Last week she rang 10 times at 7.30am on a Wednesday leaving missed call after missed call.... then when I finally answered later on I was obviously far from impressed - I made it clear that though we’d meet up, it would be when time and money allowed - one missed call is enough - no need to keep hassling me - then later that week more and more msg’s about past times gone by and regrets, regrets, regrets (for behaving like a psycho back in the day).

Behaving like a psycho to apologise for behaving like a psycho.

It’s not Valentines date material really is it?

But she is very attractive.

And a very good dancer.

Spo | February 13, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

February 12, 2007

Back to the Lake again…….

Spo | February 12, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 11, 2007

Still Alive…..

Richard came back to work last week - getting better by the day after nearly blowing his head off.


His right eye still needs a bit of work but it’ll sort itself out over the next couple of days or so.


All in all it’s a miracle.


Swear to Almighty I only noticed what it said on his T-shirt after I up-loaded the photo.

Spo | February 11, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 8, 2007

Re-living the Mozambique Adventure….

At the moment we are suffering from a chronic lack of trucks and trailers with which to move our teas - there’s a lack of return loads from South Africa for Malawi and truckers don’t like one-way journeys - this is coupled with the port of Mozzie Beira practically being brought to it’s knee’s due to a combination of broken equipment, poor facilities, bad roads and vessels refusing to dock - the place is a mess.

Nothing changes.

As ever when out for drinks I met Basil Malila last night - in charge of CARS a truck company based here in Blantyre - a character of note he’s getting on in years now but the drinks still flow freely and the stories are never ending - for example he once played international football for Malawi and managed to get sent off before the ref blew his whistle due to punching an opposing player at the halfway line at kick off - we talked of the current situation and led on to reminiscing about my time here back in 2000 and how he was also involved in putting me that truck for the fateful and eventful trip to Beira when mayhem pulled out all the stops and was very much in full effect.

The report I wrote at the time got sent around all over the place - when I arrived in Malawi back on January 13th 2000 I was green-gilled to the extreme but when I came to the end of my time I thought I was a seasoned veteran - the report showed I had still an awful lot to learn - at the end of the journey I certainly felt a lot more schooled in the fuck-ups and fall outs of the Dark Continent.

An intro to the experience can be found here - followed by a blog-posted version of the original report beneath it.

Certainly brings back some memories.

Spo | February 8, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal

February 6, 2007

Common-otion……

It’s common nature to have guards here - and weapons - Drew had an AK-47 in his place last time I was out in this part of the world - Basil Malila has chased robbers down his drive with a shot-gun, dressing gown flowing in the wind - Paul’s got a Walter Fucking PP-K in his place which he bought at the border with Mozambique and had to fire in anger as the invaders jumped back over the fence from whence they came - people living out of town with big houses and a bit of money all have stories to tell - it’s not South Africa and incidents are infrequent, but they are there - every once in a while.

Supposedly, when the gangs strike a house-hold, it’s usually out of town - money out in view evidenced by the cut off affluent surroundings - usually working from inside info given to them from staff as to what rich pickings are available - I remember an English chap out in Limbe telling me a tale of being barricaded in his kitchen having a gun battle while his house was ransacked and loaded onto a trailer - I figure the ferocious incidents are the exceptions - although, when you ask around, everyone has a little story to tell.

I pull in to the home around 7pm and dark had well set in - the outside main gate is pulled back and I drive in - as I come to a stop I see Common, the guard, hovering close by expectantly with arms behind his back - this usually means that there is something that needs to attended to in some way or form - change of days - advance of pay - somethings broken or a family member is ill with Malaria etc and money is required for treatment (like last week).

“boss I have left it at home - the key for guard room”
“Ok well we’ll see if we have a spare in the kitchen”

No joy

“Well maybe Beth (cook, head of house) knows where it is - i’ll ask her tomorrow”
“Ok boss”
“left at home” - doesn’t mean “lost” does it??”
“no - it’s at home - I see it there - but left it this time”
“right… so what’s in the guard room that you need? the torch?”
“yes - and panga”

Panga is a big-fuck-off great knife.

“So if people come what will you do?”
“If people come I maybe throw stones and pray to God”

Common doesn’t look confident when he says this.

“Right - OK well lets get you a knife from the kitchen then”

I get him the biggest Carving knife I can find - he seems reassured - big smile - it’s not a panga - but it’ll do I reckon.

I go back to getting out of the day just gone - long one on auction day Tuesday - followed with going to the store on the way back - women look at me there thinking I either live alone or I’m a really good family man that does the shopping - with a basket stacked with Castle Beer, pizza and Red wine I think it’s the former rather than the latter to be honest. I think about getting a shower, heating up the food that’s left out by Beth and stick on the I-pod through the speakers.

Then about 10 mins later there’s a tap at the window:

“boss two men are here - I press silent alarm”
“Eh? two men? where? inside the grounds?”
“not inside yet - they look over fence on the right”

Unlike all the other houses on this street I don’t have a neighbor to my right - it’s a maize field - means that there is more than the odd scare here apparently - people can lean over the fence and check out where the guards are, come in round the back or the front depending - although when Robin and his family were here there weren’t too many incidents - suppose that’s due to the fact that the house was full - noise - lights - more than a few pairs of eyes - now I’m here, I don’t get back till gone eight usually and I’m often out and about later on as well - not to mention totally absent at weekends - these comings and goings are always scouted - but then also so are the houses and the goods inside - and I live in a practically unfurnished place - got a chair and settee - TV and satellite and a bed along with what ever comes with the kitchen - that’s it - not really worth taking the risk for big stuff they couldn’t run off with - so I’ve never really worried.

Anyways - through the window Common explains that when he shouted they disappeared and ducked back down - but they may still be lurking about apparently, so he’s called the security.

That should be the end of the conversation - I should just go back to what I’m doing - worst comes to worst I’m locked in and there’s bars and padlocks all round the house - safest thing is to stay put obviously - stupidest thing is to get tooled up and then unlock the porch gate and go and have a look outside - which is what I did - reasoning being that I left the phone in the car and don’t have a land-line - I figured that if the most fucked up scenario did take place, then I’m pretty much helpless not being able to call anyone - so I decided to go get the phone after grabbing the next biggest knife in the kitchen after the one I’d already given to Common.

I couldn’t find my mobile in the car and remembered it must be in my trouser pocket back inside - Common was looking shifty - eyes darting around the place - I say to him:

“So the night you don’t have the guard room key - no torch and panga - is the night you see two guys looking to jump into the grounds?”
“Yes - I saw them there”
“Sure?”
“Sure”
“Sure-Sure?
“Yes boss - sure-sure”
“This happen often? people trying to come in here”
“Yes - Many times - it is the field - it is good for hiding - they can look over and see who is here and around”
“Fuck”
“They steal the taps and things around in the garden”
“Taps?”
“Yes - the taps outside - they take them when we are maybe go around the back place”
“not try and get into the house?”
“no - but maybe - if it is open some way - they quick - jump in and steal and go - back over that way” (points to maize field)

So then I realise the bizarreness of the situation - standing out in the drive, staring into the blackness of the field next door armed with kitchen knives to stop people stealing taps.

I look around and down at what I’m holding - I laugh and out loud I wonder to myself: “What the fuck am I doing out here? What the fuck am I doing with this? a fucking kitchen knife??” - Common looks at me and gives gruff laugh as well “Like Chuck Norris” he says - what on earth am I doing - like I’m going to use this in any way what so ever - Id-jot - I go back inside shaking my head and plan to cook some food and drink a bottle of wine.

Minutes later the private Security team turn up - full 30 mins or so after Common had pressed the button - they always remind me of the Romans running into that little house in “Life of Brian” - Lisa, girl who used to own the Millennium bar out near Chirimba and former girl friend at the time 6 years ago, she had a set-up like the one I have - press a silent alarm button and the 6 guys turn up in a little van and storm into the place - all dressed in black uniforms, holding weapons, wearing crash helmets with great big fuck off barking dogs going mental - we’d all be sitting around having a beer eating chicken off the Bar-B-Q - silent alarm would go off due to a malfunction - these 6 guys run in single file - look around - realise it’s a false alarm - and turn back to run out the way they just came in - used to happen about two or three times a week.

Common greeted the security folk like old friends - I had already suspected that Common kind of freaks out a lot and calls these guys out for no reason - this seemed to confirm it - never the less, they all go off running around the grounds with dogs in tow - then move on to the field next door - trampling crops and generally making a lot of noise - finding nothing as far as I could tell.

Before you know it, main leader looking type guy is back and smiling at me “thanks boss” he says and runs off back to his little security van - screech of tyres and they’re all gone again.

Thanks? for what?

Common looks happy.

“all better now boss”
“Was there anyone actually there?”
“don’t know - maybe - maybe...”
“Right”

Yeah, they were gone as soon as they saw I was on the case ready to get medieval on their ass.

Yeah right.

Spo | February 6, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

February 6, 2007

Reality check…..

How can one country with such strong religious beliefs be subject to so much punishment?? earthquakes, tsumani’s, landslides, train derailments, plane crashes, ferries sinking...... are their prayers getting lost along with the majority of emails that go in and out of the Indo ISP Radnet??

Jakarta still seems to be 75% under water - the news doesn’t bring solace with talk of more rain to come and then the onset of disease due to lack of drinking water and the fact that Jakarta was already a filthy city to begin with - fill it full of water and all kinds of things come out in the wash.

The city is usually in a state of gridlock but now this is final and not much is getting about the place - more rain came last night apparently.

The estimate is that Jakarta has 9 million people - but who ever did the last head-count is probably forgetting that each time Ramadamadingdong comes around in Sep/Oct everyone goes back to their village and returns with a brother or two - I’d say it’s more like 12-14 Million - a lot of people to look after in times such as these - and as the eye-witness accounts say, the government is beyond useless.

I spoke to Yuni and found that her house was under 2 metres of water and all her belongings are pretty much done for - insurance doesn’t exist in these places so bank transfers are the order of the day as I type - there are electricity cables in the water - people have had no help for up to 4 days - a mother lost her baby two doors down and an old woman died of exposure near her mothers house - sign of organised government intervention is non-existent.

Straight away she got stocks of mineral water and kept her daughter from going swimming in the streets with the other kids - then she got her family together and headed 5km out of town - found a place up on a hill and rented it for a month even though she expects to be there for a week - her cousin has dysentery, her mother cut her foot and got infected, her father has a fever - she got them all to the doctors and everyone is Ok - seriously this girl should be running the rescue operation.

I said that in any circumstance were she is worried about her safety she should just take her daughter to the nearest hotel and I’ll foot the bill via credit card - but she jumped one better in renting the place out of the disaster zone - Hopefully the waters don’t keep rising and end of the week things settle allowing the clean up and rebuilding to take place - but with the Government currently in power I expect that to be a longwinded and drawn out process - never the less, with the money I’m sending she should be able to replace what was lost from her house - TV computer Bed cabinets clothes..... more or less everything that was in there was floating around the place.

Damn - I hope she hasn’t lost that little Rolling Stones T-shirt with the ripped knot slashes across the back......

But yeah - I am thinking - get on a plane - pluck her out of chaos - fly back to Malawi - get married - invest in Pauls bar by the lake - give up the tea trade - lakeside resort living for the rest of our days, running bars and boat trips with an Indonesian princess......

There’s plans such as these afoot - whiskey inspires a speed up in proceedings sometimes - but the reality is that while it’s something I’m really considering - I can’t jump into it for a few more years to come just yet.

Just hope that in that time Jakarta manages to stay in one piece.

Although even if it did come apart at the seams, I’d bet on that girl to find her way out of it.

Spo | February 6, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Personal

February 5, 2007

Mini-bus Mavuto…..

The drive to work involves heading out past the bus station beyond the hospital and on towards the Chirimba Industrial Estate - the majority takes place over a road that doesn’t have that many potholes and only a few areas to watch for random running children / goats and cyclists keep an ear out better than most areas.

The problem comes when you get to the Chichiri bridge - which for the moment does not exist - rebuilding work is taking place that I imagine I will never see the end of during my time here - you can see what it looks like below:

It’s been like that for a few months and not much has changed.

So what happens is that traffic approaching from the city side waits where a little man blocks the road with a barrel - then on the other side, another little man moves his barrel out the way and waves his out-of-town traffic through - they then drive down into the river gully and across a muddy-makeshift roadway supported by sandbags and up the other side - once across, the first little man moves his barrel, lets the out of town traffic through and then waves the city side onwards while the 2nd little man blocks off any further traffic from the out of town direction


pretty simple you’d think.

Until it gets to around 5pm - when all hell breaks loose and the little men are nowhere to be seen - and if they are, they’re just ignored anyway - the curse of the mini-bus driver comes to haunt during these times.

Mini-bus drivers are the scourge of Africa - they drive like amphetamine fueled F1 madmen in clapped out vehicles that are on the verge of exploding - they pack vans with as many people as possible and rush to the next possible pick-up - trying to overtake fellow mini-buses while they are at it - with cello-tape windows, doors falling off, plumes of black smoke pouring from the exhaust, no indicators, smashed windscreens and a very unpredictable nature due to stopping abruptly at the first sign of a possible fare (ie: person randomly walking near the road - of which there are quite a lot of)

The dream of the mini-bus driver is that no matter how many passengers as he can push through the door his death-trap will never be full and that he will always be the first to the next stop - this creates a sort of chaotic rally around Blantyre, as there are an awful fucking lot of these mini-bus mongoloids messing about all over the place causing all manner of mayhem - if there is a traffic incident of any description, it will usually have started or ended with a mini-bus in some way or form - they may not be at the scene any longer - but they will probably have had a hand in it somewhere.

So at 5pm what happens is Mini-bus drivers no longer want to wait for barrels to be moved or to give the sensible right of way to oncoming traffic - reason being that oncoming traffic is made up of fellow mini-bus drivers and therefore will always be oncoming unless they are restrained from doing so - this is when the mini-bus driver decides to go to war and push on through the muddy gully of doom regardless - which is very hard to do when it’s been raining for most of the day, there’s only enough room for one vehicle anyway and the person coming towards you is a mini-bus driver who is just as stupid as you are.

So what happens is around 40 mini-buses pile into the gully from opposite directions - get stuck in the mud - beep horns - shout - argue - and accelerate into any available space believing forward motion is progress and not in fact just ensuring they are going to be there for even longer - meanwhile everyone else realises that the mini-bus drivers have fucked the bridge up again - perform 3 point turns and try and find another longer route round.

Which sometimes leads to Lorries backing up and getting into impossible situations and blocking the entire road while getting stuck in the bush - like this:

So what is the answer??

Grow old and grey watching in disbelief as the next id-jot dives into the mini-bus melting pot down in the river??

Wait around for a few hours at the office for traffic to die down around 7pm??

Take the long way round and encounter even more idiotic Malawian Motor vehicle related Mayhem? (note that people walk home for the most part - and they walk in the road or ride bikes - and they are also not the crispiest crackers in the packet either, so you often nearly clip a few people by the roadside when things are busy)


No - you go the secret-secret back way through the jungle/forest area behind the industrial estate:

There’s only room for one and it gets very interesting when the rains have been - you really need the 4x4 for it as well - and nerve wracking as it may be due to the unpredictable nature of things popping up out of nowhere and other cars/trucks possibly coming the other way - (and the fact that I am not a good driver and shouldn’t be in control of such a vehicle) the 6 or 7 minute ride sure beats the hell out of sitting around watching Mini-bus Mavuto (trouble) for 40 mins before fighting your way through that fucking muddy gully.


Fucking Mini-buses - the motorised version of Mosquitoes I tell you - death to them all - the world would be an infinitely better place.

Spo | February 5, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 4, 2007

Perspective…….

Spent Friday night drinking in the Thyolo tea district with old tale telling Rhodesian Roy from Namingomba estate - a few other folk gathered there and African tales of adventure set the tone for the evening - Army tales of rats on fire nearly blowing up refueling airplanes, Elephant herds chasing folk up tree’s and Vultures with sticks of dynamite attached to their legs - the drinks flow freely in such situations - come around 1 or 2 am I headed back to town - the clouds settle on the hills out there and you can only see about 5ft in front of the car, it’s a tense nervous drawn out drive home - one that leads you to feel like you need a reward for making it one piece.

So I must of sent a text to Debbie.

Crazy Ex Debbie that one time told me she was in fact her sister and that Debbie was dead - in order to find out how I really felt about her.

Woke in the morning to find 18 missed calls from various numbers.

Fuck it.

Drunk me really needs to establish a rule of general practice with sober me in order so that our priorities don’t clash during these horny, drunk and stupid moments.

Went over to Paul’s and we destroyed a bottle of Jack as every football match possible played out on various SS channels (God bless South African Super-Sport and it’s 8 channel football biased structure).

He pointed out the best way to resolve such a situation is to accept the call - have a chat - meet up while sober - keep it pleasant & aloof - do a little reminiscing about old times - enjoy the company but leave it at that, saying that things have changed...... Go home.

Alone.

He looked at me after that and knew that should such an occasion take place it will more than likely end up in the bedroom and me digging a gargantuan hole that I will not climb out of for the next 6 months - real African Fatal Attraction type ojeni indeed.

“you must do what you feel is right of course”...... young Skywalker.......

Fuck it.

Putting it all in perspective tonight I get back and find that Jakarta has been hit by astronomically awful floods leaving 20 dead and 340’000 homeless - and Yuni’s phone doesn’t work...... frantic emails aside I can’t do much at the moment.

I’m assuming worse case scenario is that her house is ruined and she needs a place to stay - in which case I can organise something - be it funds transfer or hotel payments or getting her in touch with my people over there - in a city of 12 million what are the chances of her being one of the 20 dead?? life can’t be that cruel - but yeah, I’m worried none the less.

I tried calling her earlier today while sitting out by the pool - no joy on the connection saying that the number is no longer operating - thought it was weird but put it down to her just not paying the bill lately - then I get back late on after UTD pasted Spurs, boot up the dial up and accidentally click the firefox headline link - that’s the first story up..... Fuck it.

Kind of situation that makes you think about organising an air fare and just getting her to a place before your eyes.

Perspective.

Need to remember it when I meet up with Debbie this week.

Spo | February 4, 2007 | Comments

February 1, 2007

Zomba Plateau…..

Spo | February 1, 2007 | Comments
Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 1, 2007

Miracle…..

I have to be honest - I didn’t hold up much hope - at the time of the explosion and all the chaos that went with you just switch to a different mode - everything seems instinctively methodical - once you get over the sounds and sights of the situation you just jump to the most logical next step - ie: get the fuck out of here and find a hospital.

Later I gathered my thoughts and all I was thinking was that having a wife and three kids and being blind in Africa was a shitty combination and that losing your eye sight over trying to mix chemicals to clean a swimming pool was thoroughly undeserved and shouldn’t ever happen.

Even though we arrived at Queens hospital pretty quick after the event, I thought we’d taken too long and lasting damage would be done - it looked really bad at the time - facial chemical burns are pretty fucked up - and the doctors assurances didn’t match the quality of the set up before me - I honestly thought Richard was well and truly fucked as far as the rest of life on gods green earth went.

But the gods were smiling that day - not smiling too wide however, as then it would never of happened in the first place, but fate had decreed a certain pattern of events were in order to lead to Richard getting his eyesight back - I saw him first thing Monday when I was back from the lake - up to then I’d seen him the Friday before and I’d heard assurances but still saw little hope - the half baked broken English talk amongst the guards back at the house was that he could see again and all would be Ok - but I still didn’t believe until I saw him after being discharged today - the left eye isn’t as strong as you’d hope - it works - but it isn’t the clearest - but the right looks like nothing ever happened - doctors reckon a week or two and the left will be back in action just as much - truly a miracle upon the continent that shows little mercy in such situations.

I paid the necessary and saw that he takes some days to recover properly - everyone is smiling again - you see it in the community outside around the houses on the street - everyone knows he’s going to be OK - there’s relief but more so there’s surprise - I was in Doogle’s bar the other day and met folk who heard the blast - no one could believe that he’s got his sight back.

Kind of weird when you piece together the path of fate - that I was home that day due to dodging potential tricky questions as the tax folk has scheduled to come to the main office - that I hadn’t set off to do the rounds and pay various bills just yet - that I got caught talking on the mobile just beforehand when if I hadn’t I’d of been on my way - there’s no phones in the house here or alternate forms of transport, so I’d of never known until I got back if I’d gone - the doctors said it was all a case of time and speed of treatment - another ten minutes and no chance - the man’s blind for life.

Fuck - that doesn’t bear thinking about - losing your sight is one thing - but losing it in Africa.......

Richard & his family were back at the house today - so happy to see he was Ok but still had a talk about what happened - first off being DON’T mix anything when I’m not here - even though you may have done it a million times, DO talk to the guy two doors down that said he knew what should of happened and how what took place was all wrong to begin with - and DON’T try mixing the same chemicals you already bought a second time round - take em back to where-ever or who-ever you got them from and make sure everything is as it should be, otherwise we are rewinding time and haven’t learned a thing.

In fact I’m sure there must be an easier way to do this kind of thing - he’s been following the same procedure (mixing Chlorine, acid and what ever) for a couple of years or so while the previous residents were here - says this is the first time anything’s ever gone wrong and that he was using the same stuff he’s always used - but something is rotten in Denmark somewhere - I had thought it was a sly one - that he’d taken the usual cash, but due to the change over of residents thought to buy something cheaper and pocket the extra - cynical indeed - but experience makes you so - however, all evidence suggests so far that this was one of those cruel twists of fate.

Basically in the end I just told him to be a hell of a lot more careful next time you are around situations that could potentially blow your head off.

Christ on a bike ringing the bells of St.Christopher..... if in doubt just leave it till there isn’t any.

Spo | February 1, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

January 30, 2007

Engine Problem…..

.....  and the problem is that I am in control of it.

I don’t mix well with vehicles - many people know this - I know this - and the car they have me driving over here is a 4x4 Pajero monster - this thing is Humongous - and that is not a word I use lightly - it’s a fucking beast of note - the width, the length, the power - I’ve never been savvy with engine sizes, litre injections and all that Mcguffin - I don’t know much at all about cars to be honest - no idea how they work or how they do what they do - don’t know names etc etc - key goes in - you turn it - press pedals and buttons along with flicking levers - point it in the right direction and try and let people know your intentions - end of - but what I do know is that this is a powerful monster of a car and you can end up doing 150kmph without even noticing - and on the roads of Malawi that is very fucking dangerous.

So far I’ve busted the front tyre driving in that Friday storm - I’ve seemed to have managed to do something to the internal battery as well, invloved jump lead type situations and I am not someone you want around electrics and wires but we’ve got a new battery sorted now - and I’ve got to get the fan-belt replaced as that has started shrieking all over town due to me exerting the engine or something - but last few days I’ve got comfortable with the feel of the thing - where as before I’d worry about every pot-hole, every corner, every dodgy traffic light and all the make your own rules junctions - now I kind of know what I’m doing and am driving the thing with more confidence.

This is not a good thing however - thinking I’ve mastered the art of the beast when in fact I am still a mere kindergarten pupil has led to some rather heinous errors today.

First was pulling out too quick onto a main road - then regretting it, trying to reverse before crunching to a halt quick fast when I heard the horn of the guy behind me - petrified I was going to reverse all the way over his corrola and crush it like a coke can (although to be fair he shouldn’t of been tailgaiting and I did stop before actually doing any real damage - but that was due to his blaring horn I suppose)

Second was heading out tonight were the front and back left hand tyres slipped off the down hill road and into the drainage gulley - the road had worn away and I was trying to make sure I was as far over as possible due to a truck coming the other way - car jackknifed a bit and I nearly hit the truck side on but got my game back to straighten out and shoot on through - bit of a freak out though.

Then heading back from Limbe just now I lost my bearings, followed the wrong split in the road and drove the wrong way down a dual carriage way.

Yup.

This is the second time this has happened - the first being a slip road in Southampton and I still remember the aghast disbelieving faces of oncoming drivers as they passed before I did a quick U-turn and scampered back up the way I came - hoping no-one else was coming the other way.

Tonight wasn’t so bad as it was late and the road was relatively deserted - although you have to take into consideration the stupidity factor of the majority of Malawian drivers here (although obviously I am not one to talk) and the fact that even though I am attempting a three point turn facing the wrong way on a dual carriage way, this may not deter oncoming drivers from actually slowing down when approaching me as they would in UK.

It was pretty hairy though - just because it was dark and the road design was perplexing - I carried on a 150-200 yards or so before I figured it out - and then it was a case of..... could I make it to the end without anyone noticing????......

Doofus.

Fuck - it’s matter of time before that car and myself have a serious falling out isn’t it?

Spo | January 30, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

January 28, 2007

Kumwa Ndi Kovina…….

It was just one of those nights that came out of nowhere - we were sitting watching the football and a the chalets were full with quiet types from Scotland and Norway - looked like a lazy evening ahead as the sunset (zooalookalowa) had burned it’s last.

Then 17 English teaching students turned up out of nowhere - majority of them fairly beautiful and between 18-22 - we got my playlists from the I-pod hooked up to the stereo - shots started flowing and before you know it the dance floor was packed and people were up on the bar - Anton switched to African Kwasa Kwasa music and the whole thing just took off and didn’t stop flying until the early hours.

Lake nights like these come out of nowhere and stay with you for a long time - the hangover the next day was one of my worst ever - but it was very much worth it.

We drove 4 of the girls home the next day - teachers staying in Zomba - promised to show them around and take them up every time the lake looks likely.

Which it does every other weekend to be honest.

Spo | January 28, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

January 27, 2007

Zooalookalowa Bwino!…….

This is what we saw from the Gecko lounge bar veranda just before the Saturday night really jumped up a notch and a packed place danced till the early hours - nights at the lake look like this every day.

Spo | January 27, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal | Pictures

January 27, 2007

Gecko lounge……

We made the journey up from Blantyre on Friday and were at Lake Nyasa in 3 or 4 hours or so - Paul drove and knows the straight road like the back of his hand - had it been me perhaps we would still be driving - although the road isn’t as bad as I remember it used to be 6 years ago, the rainy season brings flash floods that wash away entire sections of the tarmac in places - the water can rush through with enough strength to create metre deep pits in the road surfaces - never the less, with the king at the wheel it seemed like we were there in no time at all - just one or two sections where it all went a bit ski-Sunday and it seems like you are slaloming round the plot-holes - the drunk drivers drive straight as they say....

Upon arrival I was blown away to see the lake again - easily the most beautiful sight seen upon this earth by my eyes.

That first night we took it easy and I saw Anton (who runs the place for Paul who owns it - he’s got Narcolepsy and falls asleep everywhere but otherwise is sharp as daggers) for the first time in 6 years and met the other guys running the show - Levi and Rodney - good people who Paul knows and trusts for years.

Gecko Lounge

Central bar area and Veranda overlooking the lake to the left as you walk in - the right handside has a block for toilets and then and L shaped block that has two rooms with kitchen in-between (restaurant on site) - behind this there are two chalets that sleep up to 5 people each - dead centre there is the garden and beach front.

Gecko brewing up at dusk

side view bar

shoreline front view

veranda

tables

speedboat gecko

room middle corridor where the two rooms and kitchen are

two chalets all the way over to the right

Spo | January 27, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal | Pictures

January 27, 2007

Bar Bill……

Saturday

8 x JD’s
6 x Coke
9 x shots of Po-10-C
4 x absolute vodka
1 x water
7 x Carlsberg Greens
6 x JW black label
2 x 3 barrels rum

Friday

4 x black labels
1 x 20 benny hedgehogs
4 x JD
2 x coke
1 x water

15925 kw = 60 of your English quid Guv’nor

With prices like these, you can really create quite a hangover.

Spo | January 27, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

January 24, 2007

Arrived Africa…..

Indeed I am Africa but I am not yet sun burnt - I think I have finally learned from the many, many, many, times that the great god of fire in the sky has punished me for being too lackadaisical about the extent of his powers.

There have been a number of events so far though - notably earlier this morning when the gardener/pool guy Richard mixed the cleaning chemicals the wrong way causing what ever he was mixing (later revealed to be chlorine and acid) to explode in his face - one minute I’m eating mango’s by the pool - next a sound like a shotgun blast rings out and Richard is screaming for help with his eyes seeming like they had been burned beyond redemption - the two women who work here didn’t know what to do - chaos reigned for a minute before I got my bearings and decided that trying to wash his face is a bad idea as too much water and chemicals mixing may make it even worse - I bundled him into the Pajero and made a mad dash to the local hospital.

A combination of pot holes - not knowing how to drive my hoofing great car properly (I’d had it about 5 days) - not knowing the general direction of where the hospital was - and Richards screaming all conspired to make the journey a frantic rabbit in the headlights kind of experience - knowing that the faster you get this sort of thing seen to, the better chance of Richard being able to see again means you just kind of put your foot down and hope the obvious urgency of my erratic driving alerted people to get the feck out of the way.

We got to the hospital within 10 mins of the explosion and after being directed to drive round to the right section (they had a specific eye hospital), I was faced with a small reception room full of about 60-70 Africans all in various states of eye related agony - for a second I thought about waiting our turn - then I remembered Richard may never be able to see for the rest of his life and pushed in and politley as possible made a lot of noise - I decided that if people thought I was being a typical white colonial queue jumper while throwing my considerable weight around then so be it, Richard gets to see again.

Doctors got to him quick smart and said that they were still able to treat the burns in time and that he should be ok in 24-48 hours - I’m not optimistic though - it looked fairly fecked up to me - but apparently this was the best eye hospital/doctor in the city - the only better option being the private hospital further away and they use these eye doctors as well - their own coming every so often from SA so no guarantee that they would be there.

The reason I was at home this morning is that the tax people were visiting the tea office today and I am not supposed to be actually working here (I’m studying if anyone asks) - if I hadn’t been at home I think he would of been well and truly fecked.

After being bandaged up and led to a ward they made up a mattress on the floor - I waited with Richard while one of the guys from the office took one of the staff girls from my house to find Richards wife and get him some food / drink / change of clothes.

I’m sure nobody needs telling that local African hospitals are very, very fucked up places - there’s all kinds of wrongness going on in there - No ones got any proper beds and there weren’t many nurses about - everyone seemed to be looking after each other - so we sorted a private room were his wife can stay with him and he could get a bit of piece and quiet and perhaps a bit more attention.

The guy has a wife and three kids and is the sole earner - I have only just met him but he’s a kind friendly hard working fellow and shouldn’t lose his eye sight over cleaning a swimming pool of all things - being blind and poor in Africa is a nasty combination - fingers indeed very much crossed that the doctors words come true and he gets his sight back.

So that was today so far.

Tuesday I was in the auction and accidentally made a massive error that could of altered the price of low-grade teas on the international markets - luckily I was allowed to change my bid - the audible gasp from the room and the look of incredulity on the auction brokers face alerted me to the fact that I may have made a bit of a mistake.

Monday there was no electricity and I burned my foot on dripping candle wax that burned through the bottom of the candle holder cube thingy I was carrying about - that really really fecking hurts by the way, as a good globule of it burns it’s way into your skin before you get it off.

Weekend = whisky + football on TV + meeting old friends + finding bars again (no reunion with crazy ex-missus who told me she was dead “but not really” yet)

Friday last week we had torrential rain and storms and I rather foolishly tried driving to the next town across to see a friend of mine (the one that owns the bar by the lake) - again not being able to see very well due to weather, first time driving since Indonesia more or less and dodgy roads full of holes conspired against me and my front right tyre blew out - managed to struggle along to a petrol garage and organise some guys to get it fixed up - tyre was proper fecked though and has to buy a new one in town over the wknd.

Robin and his family (who were here before me) left on Thursday so I’ve only really had connections (crappy ones) since then due to the handover.

Off driving round the tea estates the next two days before going up to Paul’s bar by the lake over the wknd - judging from the last week it should be fairly eventful.....

Good to be back - no day is ever the same here - but that’s a good thing if nothing like what happened today ever happens again.

Spo | January 24, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

November 26, 2006

Full circle…..

The description that used to run under the header of this site said "dealing with the curveballs of everyday existence as I try and get back to Malawi - the place it all started when I came of age at the turn of the century" - in an old man movie trailer kind of voice - but true none the less.

January 13th year 2000 I stepped off a small plane in chileka airport and made home in the city of Blantyre - Malawi's largest city of two that could be termed as such - and even then you are stretching - you think "city", you think sprawling metropolis of lit up skyscrapers, criss crossing gridlocked traffic, commerce on all corners - the proverbial giant human ant farm in overdrive - all locked into one corner of the world - vibrant, noisy, full of life - heaving at the seams with folk from all over going about their daily.

Blantyre is the exact opposite of that to the naked eye - for the foreigner observing, Blantyre has a triangle of three main streets, one hospital, one school, one supermarket of note, one or two restaurants, a couple of hotels and five bars - two of which are safe to be seen in - along with a nightclub not unlike that seen in Dusk Till Dawn.

Sure it's a different case if you are a Malawian however - the city has around 500'000 to 1 million people depending on who you get to do the head count - it is the focus of the southern region and the hub of transit for the border at Mwanza that takes you into Mozambique and, via the Tete corridor, through Zimbabwe and on into South Africa. Like Jakarta in Indonesia and Saigon in Vietnam - it's the city that everyone gravitates towards to make their money - but it's lacking in almost every area when it comes to infrastructure and organisation and is several large leaps behind in terms of modern day technology - folk make their homes as best they can and local village life sprawls across all available land in the area.

At least that was the case when I was there - and friends haven't led me to believe anything much has changed.

Which is how I like it.

Peaceful and back to basics.

Blantyre is about a 4 hour drive from the place I always think about to help me sign off to sleep each night - I took the photo heading this post on the shores of Lake Nyasa at Cape McClear - and it's there that most of my best days upon this earth have been spent - Hammocks, red ripped sunsets and Kwasa Kwasa music - cold Carlsberg greens.

January the 13th 2007 I will be setting foot back upon the same tarmac of chileka airport and once again making Blantyre my home - for six months I'll be helping run the office where we source tea from the Mulanje and Thyolo districts and carry out blends in the whse next door - then tea gets packed and palleted before being shipped off around the world after making the truck journey to Durban down in South Africa.

Ever since I left I've always wanted to go back - I have such good memories of the place and the people I was with - could be risky to tarnish it all with a return - but I think it is that final adventure - that final kick to end my twenties before I turn 30 in June - the unpredictable before the conveyor belt of existence points me towards thoughts of settling down somewhere - kind of strange as I always thought it would take a good number of years more before such an opportunity came around - when I looked at my plans for the future this was were I wanted to end up - and now here it is all of a sudden.

Internet connections are not too hot out there but while it may not be ADSL it is still possible - I've decided to open this out to a few more folk - friends & family - it is harder to keep in touch and it will be a good way to talk to everyone all at once as well as being able to keep a photographic and literal record of life out there as well. Therefore come December time I'm setting up shop on wordpress, getting a domain name and hosting and sorting out a new pattern to proceedings - I'll transfer a bit of the archive across but on the whole it's a fresh start.

Last few weeks I've been working on ideas and planning for the new site along with dipping my toes into the world of torrent sites, downloads, disc burning and DVD's - a lot to learn but now I've got it licked - anyone wants any advice let me know in the comments and I'll point you in the right direction - I'm downloading day and night at the moment as six months I'll not have access to anything requiring download speeds greater than that which is needed for basic email.

But that's ok - my brother from another mother, Paul, runs a bar by the lake called the Gecko lounge these days - and it's got whisky, hammocks and a view of the lakeside sunsets.

Spo | November 26, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Personal

October 8, 2006

Where’d you go, Joe?……

Spo | October 8, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Personal

September 28, 2006

Maybe… just maybe………

One of the strangest times I ever had was when she hadn’t called for a while and I had decided to leave it - but then time ticked by and I thought about just going out and getting on with my weekend - but if she called......


.....so I picked up the phone to dial and a familiar voice said “hello” straight off the bat - she was already on the other end - I had yet to touch a number - she had called at exactly the same time - didn’t even hear one ring - freaky as an aluminous midget in a clown mask.



I don’t think I’m the only person in the world that has loved and lost and never seen the girl again - I don’t think I’m alone in getting a few years down the line and thinking “I wonder what happened to her” - the girl in question really had my head in a spin back then - Kirtsy


I told her I loved her when I was way too stoned at the train station that time and then I think that was more or less the end of it all - saw someone walk past the other day and for a second thought it was her - got me thinking.....


So I end up typing a name into google and seeing what comes up - this is curiosity, not being a stalker I tell myself - she always wanted to travel so maybe she appears running a bar off the beaten track in India or bunjee jumping off bridges in Australia like we talked about after parachuting or maybe even down the road living in Amsterdam seeing as she loved that good old green so much.....


So I only get 3 possibly different hits and I eliminated two of them based on age and area leaving me with one possibility - click the link and it is a list of specialist agents working for travel to Tasmania hmmmm..... someone of the exactly the same name works the Exmouth branch - fuck - more than likely could be her - she always wanted to travel to the part of the world where Tasmania resides and Exmouth isn’t too far off from the surf places in Devon she used to go down to…


Now the real flat out twilight zone higher power at work moment comes when my eye catches who works at the Thomas Cook Retail Ltd Belfast branch.


I do apparently.


Although I don’t.


But another me does.


Just as I did back on the day after that freaky phone call, if I was still a stoner I’d totally be eulogising about how this is one of those glitches in the system -one of those hidden signposts of destiny - the higher powers that be dropping the ball for a second and accidentally giving the game away about how there’s a plan for everyone - it’s all laid out - you just have to trip the right switches read the signs and follow your instincts..


and you end up where you are supposed to be with whom you are supposed to be with.


But I’m not a stoner anymore - so I just put it down to blind coincidence and move on with my day.


Maybe I should start smoking mari-jo again.

Spo | September 28, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal

September 26, 2006

Isn’t that Winston?…..

Spo | September 26, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion

September 23, 2006

Death by Stereo!

Spo | September 23, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland

September 21, 2006

I’ll change my life tomorrow instead…..

I suppose in such times I'm supposed to write and just see where I go - but what to say? Vacant - say anything honest - say I'm 29 years old and living on my own and each day is drastically in danger of being a repeat of the day before and I'm not doing enough to change that situation - that I never seem to be happy in one place for more than five fucking minutes until I'm looking round the corner.... wanderlust.....

..that on the way back from work I saw an attractive woman walking her dog past my place and played out this scenario in my head where I go up and say something along the lines of people don't take risks then they never get anywhere in life so I figured the worst that could happen is you say no when I ask if you'd like to go for a drink and then scratched that as smug practiced claptrap asking to get shot down and thought about just saying Hi, do you live round here? then thought that sounds like a line from a serial killer - so how about asking for directions? but couldn't think of anywhere I wanted to know the directions to - then told myself I was a fuckwit and that the destination doesn't fucking matter it's an opener - you just pretend you don't know where something is - you don't actually need directions - so you tell her you just moved here - she probably says something back leading to you asking if she's from round the way as well...

. ....then leading tome saying something like nice dog I like cats - less hassle - I find dogs are just clumsy big hairy children constantly looking for attention - the banal loyalty - there's the wet dog hair smell - the drool - and imagine standing in dog crap first thing in the morning - couldn't have that - I'd have to cancel everything the day had to offer after that - might even have the dog put down on the spur of the moment - can't be done with it.

STOP talking!..... too late...... probably time to leave by then.

Just say Hi

Fuck it - I'll change my life tomorrow instead.

Spo | September 21, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland

September 13, 2006

Good times on Good terms…..

The phone rang at around 6am If you lived your whole life in one corner of the world then you would assume that someone either has the wrong number, has the wrong sense of humour or has been on the wrong end of one of life' less desirable twists and it's bad news that couldn't wait for a more godly hour.

Unless, that is, you have ex-girlfriends in far away places that never quite grasp that whole time zone thing - or simply don't care wake up lazy man the voice purred - it was Hanh in Vietnam - good to hear her voice at any time of day - if it had been wake up smiley then that would have been Yuni in Indonesia - another always welcome interruption in life.

One girl confined to the history books is Debbie - a girl I was with while I was in Malawi about six years ago - damn - didn't realise it had been that long until I typed that - anyways, my good friend Robin (who I worked with in Indo) now works in our office over there - the warm heart of Africa this little southern African country wedged between the likes of Zambia, Mozambique and Tanzania that has half its size devoted to Lake Nyasa - subsequently the country has only two main cities and the social life in these places is quite close knit - in one night you could visit five or six bars in Blantyre and you've pretty much done the whole place (that isn't off the beaten track anyways) and you can more or less guarantee that you'll run into everyone worth running into.

Sure enough Robin met Debbie - she had been living with a guy in South Africa and was back in town for a while after they broke up - apparently she still refers to me as her boyfriend and insists that I'm coming back one day - which I am as soon as I can afford to make a plan.

Debbie was always a bit shot away when it came to the goods upstairs - but she was damn fine company, a damn fine dancer and always very easy on the eye - sure, after I left there used to be a lot of middle of the night drunk-stoned-hysterical phone calls - and ok, maybe one time she rang pretending she was her sister and told me that Debbie had died in order to find out what my reaction was going to be - and then following that on Valentines day she rang to tell me she'd got married - as it happened I wished her well and said I was really pleased for her and hung up - that was the last time we spoke.

Really she hadn't got married at all and she was erm... just finding out what my reaction was going to be.

So yeah, a few biscuits short of a packet.

But still, I wouldn't mind seeing her again.

You see I never really left any of these women - I just left the countries they were in.

Spo | September 13, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Daily Life - Indonesia | Daily Life - Malawi | Daily Life - Vietnam | Personal

September 12, 2006

Walking Juke-box …..

Spo | September 12, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Film / TV / Music

September 11, 2006

Everything paused.

Spo | September 11, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Personal

September 9, 2006

Drink to get Drunk…..

Spo | September 9, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia

September 8, 2006

Get A Real March On…..

Spo | September 8, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal

September 7, 2006

Snake Heart - “That’s Still F**king Beating!!!!”

So they brought out this live viper, cut out it's heart, put it in a shot glass and I drank it - because that's what you do at a Hanoi snake restaurant.

Spo | September 7, 2006 | Comments
Daily Life - Vietnam | Kaneheads Kompanion | Videos & Links

September 2, 2006

Lazyboy payday…..

Recent living beyond my means has come to a head and with the flat in UK getting finished some time around November, I’ve got stamp duty and solicitors bills to pay and not a lot in the bank.

I suppose if I hadn’t gone to the world cup, bought a big fucking TV, a new computer, football season ticket, flew back for friends wedding last weekend and gone to the V festival: I would be breaking even right now - a lot richer financially, but a lot less enriched in terms of damn fine memories and experience - which is a nay too bad sound-bite for what life is all about.

The bank in UK and I are currently arguing over the overdraft fee’s but it’s hard to argue such matters with someone who takes your money before you actually see any of it and this also means it’s fairly tough to get them to give it back. Burying their heads under blankets of bureaucracy and hiding from me across the English channel - financial fuckwits of doom, merchants of misery..... .

Things all got a bit fecked when I moved countries and took time setting up new accounts etc etc - when life is literally all over the place, outgoings aren’t stable and structured for a while and you can get caught out - especially if, like me, you have a habit of on saying “yes” a bit too quickly when a moments thought would be better advised:

Example:

Barnes: Come to Germany, see England at the world cup and go drinking in Frankfurt all night.

Me: Yes.

Cest La Vie, I’ll fight the financial powers that be once I’m back in the UK for two weeks in October - face to face indignation and getting my facts straight on paper works a lot better than bitter international phone calls.

So what does one do when one has a weekend and not too much cash to fill it out?

Gambling of course!

England vs Andorra is one of those golden opportunities to take the bookies to the cleaners - a game where the result is a foregone conclusion and the finer details of victory are also a lot easier to predict - observe:

Andorra is a very small Principality located on the border of France and Spain in the Pyrenees mountains - around 71’000 people live there and that is less than the capacity of the stadium they were playing in today - Old Trafford (76’000). Not that many people means not that many footballers and not many footballers means slim chances of actually finding 11 that are good enough to play against the larger nations of Europe (England population around 60 million).

They are ranked 132 in the world have only ever won 3 games in their 10 year history and are the perennial whipping boys of European Championship qualification along with Luxembourg, Lichtenstein, Faeroe Islands, San Marino and Scotland.

They try to keep the score down and play with all men behind the ball in their own half, hoping that sheer volume of bodies in the way will prevent too many goals going in. This doesn’t often work (biggest loss 9-1) but it does help to keep the scores down and embarrassment on an international scale to a moderate level.

They are one of the most penalised teams in European Qualification history, collecting a fairly large quota of red and yellow cards each game - the mantra being that if you aren’t skilful enough to stop your opponent scoring against you then you may as well kick him off the ball. They also spend a lot of time rolling around on the floor feigning injury - the tactic being that if you are wasting time on the clock then that is time in which your opponents are not firing shot after shot at your goalkeeper (predictably, their star player).

So, Andorra - not very good, not likely to score or even to attempt to for that matter - but quite good at breaking up play and time wasting.

Just a question of how many England would be allowed to score in 90 minutes.

Here you take a few factors:

* Their keeper Koldo is a decent shotstopper (he gets enough practice)

* Andorra will disrupt the play enough to stop it being a real routing,

* England will have a relaxed state of mind once a few early goals are in and take their foot off the gas a bit.

* The game takes place mid-season and club players (and their managers) won’t want injuries or tiredness so will be under orders to take it easy

* A few strikers on the field with something to prove but effectively it’s a high profile training game with a all three substitutes getting on the field disrupting play further.

* Then there’s the miserable weather making the ball that little bit more difficult to control and tackles a little harder to time.

So I’m thinking England score every 15 minutes or so and this gets broken up by contributing factors here and there making it 5-0 - sounds good - time to throw money at it and make the game interesting.

I registered for Blue Square who give free 25 pound bets to anyone signing a new account as long as you place a bet of 25 pounds yourself - 5 pounds on Gerrad first scorer and 20 pounds on England winning 5-0 - put the free bet on the same result at 11/2 - odds are shitty as the Bookies know it will be a white wash.

Things started very well - two early goals and then a bit of a turgid twenty minutes or so before the next one - 3-0 at half time - early goal in the second half and Andorra looked up for a routing - sure enough England were peaking too early for me and the 5^th went in sometime around 60mins - Andorra where lying down too easy and the score looked like it was going to get up towards 7 or 8. Then Andorra did what they do best - started to kick people and roll around on the floor - their Keeper suddenly started pulling amazing saves out the bag - England missed a few sure things and Hargreaves smacked the post - every minute the clock gave up was a minute closer to pay day - but I had quite a few to go before I was home and dry.

At first I figured it was too much - that England would surely get another one or two and there was no point getting excited - but when the clock hit 75 minutes gone I started to believe it was possible - suddenly I was on the edge of my seat cheering every decision that went in Andorra’s favour - every off-side England got caught with, every attack that broke down, every stray pass, every failed corner.

Andorra were helping as much as they could but they rarely managed to keep the ball for more than a few seconds before giving it back to England - it was all very tense stuff as the time trickled down and I started getting superstitious about everything - like don’t hold your hands together as you shouldn’t pray for money - and don’t send out gloating text messages to friends before the final whistle as karma is a bitch and loves opportunities to smack you down like that.

The referee wasn’t on my side as he played around 5 minutes of injury time due to all the Andorran play acting - luckily England didn’t seem bothered by then and their minds where on the upcoming game in Macedonia on Wednesday - the whistle blew and the money was mine - got my 20 quid back plus another 247.50 on top - not bad for a days loafing in a lazyboy.

Spo | September 2, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland

August 30, 2006

Funeral strippers clamp-down….

It was not possible to click past that headline when I saw it -

Spo | August 30, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni | Videos & Links

August 28, 2006

Random 8 …..

1) I drank the still beating heart of a snake while in a Hanoi restaurant.


2) When I was younger I really believed that all you had to do during a nuclear attack was immerse yourself in water and hold your breath until the blast has finished.


3) I’ve been to hospital 10 times but have never broken any bones.


4) I think I really should of married that girl in Vietnam.


5) The best Drug experience I’ve ever had was while working in Malawi - I got severely sunburnt walking along the shoreline of Lake Nyasa and my neck blistered up like a mountain range - I had to go to hospital and spent the next three days sitting in an armchair whacked out of my mind on very, very strong painkillers and loving every minute of it.


6) During the Christmas of the turn of the century I sold stolen Golf club putters, Mini-Grandfather clocks and Oak toilet seats to my mari-jo clientele, proving you can sell anything as long as you get your customers stoned enough while trying to talk them into making a purchase.


7) Taking place across three different continents, I have ended up in bed with more than one woman at the same time, four times. When I see myself in the mirror I don’t think that should of realistically happened to be honest. God bless alcohol.


8) When I was around eight or nine years old I used to draw comics for my brother about a mystical animal god called Owly ( he was an Owl you see ) who, after deciding that earth was no longer a safe place for the animal kingdom, gathered the animals together Noahs Ark style and set off into the galaxy searching for a new home aboard a giant spaceship not unlike the one from Battlestar Galactica.


Owly’s arch nemesis, a wolf, named Bad Wolf, and a snake (called snake) tried to assassinate Owly and inadvertently caused the spaceship to crash-land on the distant planet of Zartonia - once explored they found that it was inhabited by a race of giant insects the ant men - and the zombified spirits of dead animals that had done serious wrong back on earth a sort of National Geographic Purgatory.


Badwolf took charge of these creatures and led them to war against Owlys animal kingdom for control over the planet of Zartonia.


Each episode generally revolved around the idea of animals in spaceships, massive weapons, huge explosions, kidnap and rescue missions and absolute carnage.


There was a character called Wild-dog who was more than a bit like Han Solo. Owly himself didn’t really do much to be honest and I didn’t really like him.

Spo | August 28, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Ojeni | Personal

August 25, 2006

Music be the food of life…..

Spo | August 25, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Film / TV / Music | Personal

August 15, 2006

Unplanned as ever….

Friday 18th - Plane arrives Birmingham 21:30 - then 21:58 train direct from the airport to wolverhapmton arrives 22:36 - last shuttle bus leaves wolverhampton for the event at weston park at 23:15.

.

Find everyone - organise a tent and sleeping bag - get well and truly wasted and watch great bands all weekend.

.

Monday 21st - find internet link and check-in on line for the flight - first Bus of the day leaves weston park at 4.30am - Train leaves wolverhampton at 5.05am - arrives at airport at 5.39am - plane leaves for Amsterdam at 6.15am.

.

Erm..... OK...... that looks possible...... in a perfect everything goes to plan parallel universe.

Meanwhile here on planet earth with a terrorist threat to the airways and with my track record for timing and organisation, I had better see about re-arranging my flights and taking some time off work to actually pull this trip off - otherwise by the time I arrive, It will probably be time to go home again.

Spo | August 15, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Daily Life - UK

August 9, 2006

Head down, collar up…..

Spo | August 9, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland

August 5, 2006

“You’re my boy Blue!”

Spo | August 5, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Film / TV / Music

August 4, 2006

Eureka moment - fool or loaded?

Not much crosses my path on TV these days I’ve always got time for the Simpson’s but as far as organising your time around the schedules so you don’t miss that one show - the age of DVD box-sets, digital TV on hard disk, high speed internet and endless repeats due to hundreds of channels all means that if you missed it you’ll probably have more than enough opportunity to see it again some time real soon.

One show that I will make time for is Dragons Den - the concept is basically five very rich, very clever, self made business men and women sitting as judges and one by one entrepreneurs, inventors, deluded mental cases and people with simply too much time on their hands, all take the floor and pitch their idea and try to get the investment to help get their plans off the ground.

Should they have managed to come up with a suitably interesting, unique and marketable product and also manage to pitch their idea without making a gibbon out of themselves, then the dragons decide if they will invest or not – this is usually means the rich folk weigh up how much the protagonist needs not only their money, but also their help - the dragons have the connections, the know how, the experience to be able to make the difference between simply a good idea and one that will actually appear in the market place and sell - therefore they can look the applicant up and down and decide how desperate they are and sometimes end up taking 50% of the company for the price the seller was offering 10% about five or six minutes ago (usually around $140-160,000).

This may not sound extraordinarily exciting but when you think of it as a sort of intelligent version of all the reality TV based pop idol Saturday night extravaganza it takes on a different slant - you get to see some completely insane people with equally insane ideas and inventions get completely shot down in flames and also that you occasionally witness inspired moments of genius from folk who have come up with something you really wish you had thought of yourself and see them walk away with the money (and sometimes see them get royally screwed for the ownership of their company)

We had some goon saying he had left his job, sold his house and put all his time and money into a coffee table multi media hub you can wirelessly send signals to any device in the house from the coffee table - like a plasma TV or a computer for example- response: why would I want to do that if I have a TV and a computer already doing the things that your coffee table does? - further brow furrowing as you see the guy stumble and fumble through his five minutes of pitch and not come up with one valid reason why someone would pay around $4000 for a coffee table with a TV in it - and then add that he has a wife and kid who he is dragging along on his fruitless quest.

You have all kinds of fools who seem to really think they have something unique and worth buying (designer clothes for dogs, cardboard furniture,) - including this Martian who thought of the perfect answer to getting caught short when needing to take a leak in public

.. but then you see someone turn up with the cheap umbrella vending machine in subways idea and the guy with the egg-boiling toaster and Boom goes the dynamite! - they get their investment, get the support and start along the road to riches.

Spo | August 4, 2006 | Comments
Daily Life - Holland | Film / TV / Music

August 2, 2006

Can’t put my finger on it….

Saw the Zutons playing live on TV.

Something about a damn fine looking woman playing a saxophone...........

Spo | August 2, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion

August 1, 2006

Fuckwit moments….

Spo | August 1, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland

July 28, 2006

Instinct - every Mother F****ing time…..

Spo | July 28, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal

July 26, 2006

Wake up thinking of the girl in Hanoi…..

Spo | July 26, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Daily Life - Vietnam | Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion

July 25, 2006

Haunted….

Got a haircut today
.
Beautiful Dutch lady doing the honours.
.
God damn she was fine.
.
But halfway through the cut
.
It happened.
.
I bestowed my special brand of wind upon the world
.
I had done my best to wince, flinch and inch that bad boy out with as little announcement as possible - it was no good though - it was out there.
.
God damn it smelled.
.
Like a 2 week old bag of vegetables baked in the sun.
.
Nowhere to look, nowhere to hide, nowhere to run.
.
What do you say? She knows - you know.
.
Nothing you can do but let the silence hang in the air
.
Along with my heinous crime.
.
After the event had came to pass wind...

.
....That was easily the longest ten minutes of my life sitting in that God damned chair.
.
Awkward doesn’t even begin to describe it.
.
I’ll not be going back.
.
Worst farting experience since the time I was wearing headphones on the running machine at the Gym in Jakarta - I never knew how loud it was - still haunts me.
.
That was for brother Eric - mild comparison to his bowel movement adventures.

Spo | July 25, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Kaneheads Kompanion

July 24, 2006

This is what Amsterdam felt like…..

This is what Amsterdam felt like... (click play a couple of times and stick with it - trust me)[Toy Story 2: Requiem]

Spo | July 24, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal | Videos & Links

July 23, 2006

Amsterdamned……..

Spo | July 23, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Kaneheads Kompanion

July 20, 2006

“I got’s me a wok amigo - Don’t be stickin nor nuttin”

Spo | July 20, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal

July 19, 2006

The Kid Stays In The Picture…..

Spo | July 19, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal

July 18, 2006

Through the Keyhole and the Looking glass……..

“Hello!
I’m a freaky Dali-esque trumpet creature made of clay
about the size of a small child!
Welcome to my den of strange!”

....and here we have what every house needs:
a large clay creation depicting Siamese woodpecker lesbian twins

Alright - I did kind of like the disembodied monster hand candle holder

Weird, yes - but also:

Shit

.....and finally - a human-lily-lizard crature with a big fuck off beak - of course!

...and maybe there are a few of you thinking all this gubbins looks kind of cool and off the wall - sure it’s not exactly everyday stuff - interesting - weird freaky and a bit mental - but yeah, interesting - but would you want to live in a house FULL of this crap?? coz this is the tip of the iceberg - the place was filled with smaller clay mental projects dotting around the gaff - took me ages to hunt it all down - now the place is looking a little bit more like I live here - and not some nutty bag lady with a penchant for the Island of Dr.Moreau and a little bit of bestiality.

Spo | July 18, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni

July 17, 2006

Whisky inspires…..

Spo | July 17, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Film / TV / Music

July 15, 2006

Back in the game….-

Spo | July 15, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Videos & Links

July 12, 2006

I saw 38 attractive women on the way to work this morning….

Spo | July 12, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland

June 26, 2006

World Cup Fever disrupts blogging shock!

Greetings and salutations good people - I’ve been AWOL lately due to fecking up my laptop trying to install Dutch ADSL - I need a native to help me out at home with it and I don’t know anyone yet and the neighbour is a little old woman.

-

Anyways - I’m back in UK at mo for world cup week and sorting a few things here and there - turning 29 and going to see Death Cab For Cutie at the Brixton Academy - when I get back to Rotterdam I’ll finally get back on line again and get some sort of order to life - last few weeks have been pretty hectic, getting settled, finding my way, getting used to the job and enjoying the sights and sounds of Rotterdam (very cool place).

-
I also managed to get to Frankfurt, blag a ticket, saw England play and spent a classic weekend with world cup fever right in the centre of things - as you may have also deduced I am also AWOL due to watching a ridiculous amount of football at the moment.

-quality way to waste time however......

Spo | June 26, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland

June 9, 2006

Feeling fine, like the hour is mine….

Life is good and I’m feeling like I’ve landed on my feet here - city is easy to get around and big enough to offer everything, yet small enough for you to get know it fairly quick - I feel like I’ve been here longer than just a week or so and have got my bearings for life’s essentials quick and easy enough - I’m kinda used to starting over every six months or so by now - Vietnam for a couple of years on and off, Indo for a year or so, back in the UK for 6 months and now here in Holland - but Rotterdam feels like settling material more than anywhere else I’ve been in recent memory.
.
.
Sure, I’m on my own and know nobody but me, myself - I but I don’t mind my own company and I’ve figured the place out fairly swiftly - there’s a swish supermarket for one day to the next shopping - a wine and whisky world round the corner - restaurant bar shindig within a few minutes walk - a place in which I’m already on my way to achieving local status - I know where the restaurants are, the main bar area, Sandwich shop for morning first thing, the place for English papers, best music shop in town, the gym and of course: the obligatory Irish pub.
.
.
I’m also getting to grips with the lingo - for the nitty gritty of everyday living I’m going to have to learn Dutch - it’s good to make the effort and the locals love that you try - especially when all around seem so fluent in English and it would be easy enough to not bother - but at the end of the day, when you live in a place that seems not too far a step out of the general existence of what you’re used to, you feel like a bit of an idiot when you suddenly can’t grasp the day to day - in Vietnam and Indonesia walking around feeling like a fish out of water was to be expected - it genuinely was a jump to the other end of the world - yet here in Holland, you feel like you’re playing catch up when all that looks, sounds and feels normal doesn’t add up when it comes to the breakdown of lingo.
.
There are the little differences as Jules and Vincent famously discussed - the bikes, the sense of humour, the multitude of snacks, the bikes, the mayo, the little beers, the bagel obsession, the bikes, the zebra crossings that aren’t really zebra crossings, the trams, the way it seems that there’s an attractive woman consistently within 5 metres of you and of course the bikes - lots and lots of bikes.
.
.
The work? getting there, getting there… it’s like there are so many directions to head in but no idea where to start - so I’m getting the basics sorted as far as email, phones and computers go first - finding out the A-Z before getting on to the tricky - one definite plus is that I’m working the Vietnam tea again - sort of the next step of what I started over there - bringing it to a wider audience of buyers - it’s good talking with the friends I made in various parts of the world again - in UK I was in the background and not in the mix of world wide trading - but now I’m involved with everything and everyone all over again and work doesn’t seem so bad anymore.
.
and the girl? ........
.
Anyways - getting late and I’m up at the crack of dawn to catch a train to Frankfurt in the morning - as the sun rises I’ll be heading to Germany and trying to either blag my way into England vs. Paraguay or just hook up with some friends and soak up the football, the big screen, the alcohol and the atmosphere - sure there were a lot of logical reasons for wanting to move to Holland - quality of life, career, money and smiling in the morning - but being next door to the World Cup was definitely one of the main ones as well - COME ON ENGLAND! as really, we’ve all been hurting far too long now....

Spo | June 9, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland

June 3, 2006

Arrived Rotterdam…..

I’m in the weird and wonderful world of Holland and trying to get settled - which may take a week or so as I get my things trucked over from UK and get to grips with where I’m living, work and getting the odds and ends of everyday living organised.

I need to get set up with the net, get my laptop sorted out for connections and then I’ll be back posting and adding a few pics of the place.

First impressions? bikes everywhere! and liking the whole beautiful women of all nationalities in one place thing (166 apparently) and also that it’s very easy to get around the city what with trams, trains, underground and taxi’s everywhere.

Apartment is cool-ish - classy, spacious, easy walking from town, next to a few supermarkets and bars - needs a bit of work but it’s looking better now I’ve hidden all the freaky artistic strangeness the lady who owns the place had filled it with. Including a very personal calender which you’ll have to wait for pics of before it can be fully explained.

Two floors worth of narrow winding stairs are lethal as well - methinks drunken nights = couch.

So.... will be checking in later in the week once I’m able to use my computer again - using someone else’s feels like cheating.

Spo | June 3, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland

May 28, 2006

Usually I’m all about Blue Steel, but today I’m feeling Grey Quest….

I was absolutely fucking mongoloided last night and have no memory after 11pm - reports indicate an empty bottle of JD, a stack table take out in the Kings, dance off and an escort home - my head feels like it’s been in a tumble drier and I would welcome a firing squad.

Good send off.

****Update**** - just spoke to Loomis and he says that my stack table take out was truly outstanding - I stumbled through the door took out two drink table stands - smashed a bunch of drinks and ashtrays - rolled aorund on the floor a bit looking bemused by the whole thing - then got my senses back and jumped up dancing around like party-boy - he has the whole damn thing on video as well - as last nights in the village go, that was a hell of a way to go out.

Spo | May 28, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion | Videos & Links

May 24, 2006

Ergo…

Seems like a lot of life begins all over again as of June 1st - but before I go to Rotterdam I’m meeting up with Anna on Friday night at the Mint Leaf in London - we haven’t seen that much of each other since I returned which is a shame seeing as how long we go back - I still feel that despite the many I call brother and sister, there are few I’m at ease with as much as I am with her - lately we kinda got swept up in the everyday and the promise of arrangements - missed calls - day later text - a 5 second email - in theory we aren’t so far away - an hour or so on the train up to big smoke - which lends to thinking it’s no big deal and it’s easy to catch up - if not this weekend then next and so on - but when you think you don’t have to make the effort, the effort never gets made and ergo.....



I think I was better at keeping up with the day to day of those closest to me when I couldn’t be further from them, living on the other side of the world.......

Spo | May 24, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Personal

May 20, 2006

Yeah but he’s got character and character goes a long way…..

Bundi was lying on his back with his feet in the air listeining to the new chilli peppers album when he suddenly saw my hung-over good self stagger down the stairs....



...Not seeming to recognise me for the fifth time in a week, he then jumped up and ran straight into the patio windows.



That cat is an idiot.

Spo | May 20, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK

May 18, 2006

Played a Great Game with My Head in the Clouds…..

So it’s been a while since I sat and stared at the blank page and just started writing to see what happens - kinda been living in a driftwood type of existence these last few days - not really seeming to influence much around me, yet it all takes place none the less - not that I’m complaining as things have been drifting in a pretty damn decent direction of late - observe…



My recent good fortune has included the following:

• Totally unexpected end of year random bonus from the head office for no discernable reason has got me completely out of debt again - still in state of shock about this.
  
  
  
• Lady running the show in Rotterdam has found me a place to live - 2 bedroom apartment, by the river, 10 mins from town, fully furnished, 3 balconies, open plan living area, internet and cable connected - 795 Euro’s a month = sweeter than a cream covered cheerleader.
  
  
  

• As of June 1st once working in Rotterdam, I’ll get given a company travel card and which will mean never ever having to pay for buses, trams and trains in and around the city - currently I spend about 150quid a month on getting to verk on the train in UK - while this is indeed going to save me much in the way of moola, it is also going to save me from the change demon - I call him Changdemus - he who taketh notes - turns them into coinage - coinage which soon disappears without trace on random items, the description of which you can’t ever quite put your finger on - it might say £2.99 but once that 10 note is passed over, its gone in all its entirety.
  
  

• First lost mobile phone for almost 3 years was found by kindly old lady who used it to ring my Dad and organise to give me it back the next day (by way of gratitude, she got the classic tried and tested “say thanks to an old lady using chocolates and flowers” combo - ala streetfighter 2)
  
  

• Computer froze at 7.44pm yesterday evening meaning I could not bet on last nights Euro final game going to penalties - which it didn’t - saving me the 40 quid I’d convinced myself to place on it due to being able to see the future.
  
  

• Having one tequila too many late on Saturday - a tequila that inspired me to have the good sense to pass up a sure thing with a girl that would of surely got me into a whole world of cheap crappy soap opera style small town scandal - well I say ”inspired” when really it was more of a case of ”incapacitated- but it was a bullet dodged none the less.

Spo | May 18, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Daily Life - UK

May 14, 2006

The morning after the greatest cup final of all time….

Greatest FA Cup final EVER.

Liverpool 3 - West Ham UTD 3 - Liverpool win 3-1 on Penalties after extra time.

The celebrations went on long into the night and I awake with a broken head and no voice - This is to be expected after your team comes back from 2-0 down, gets it back to 2-2, then down 3-2 and it looks like defeat before coming back yet again with a glorious 30 yard Gerrard screamer in the final minute - The final minute - it is fair to say that I went absoloutley fucking mental.

Extra time flys by and suddenly nerve shredding penalties are on the agenda - Reina who had a shocker all day suddenly gets his game back and pulls off three saves to send us in wonderland.

Steven Gerrard is without a doubt Englands greatest player and that was the most colossal califragafuckinglistic display of sheer footballing genius I have ever witnessed.
What. A. Match.

Games such as these are defining moments in sport - and truly special moments in life - always to be remembered - well, apart from the celebrations afterwards - as you can see below.......I obviously can’t remember much from those.....

Spo | May 14, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Personal

May 10, 2006

Every cloud has a white lining…..

Drastic to the point of hospitalisation though my Columbian marching powder obsession was - the binges of my early to mid twenties did result in always being guaranteed to still be able to breathe through my left nostril when I get knocked for six by the flu....

Back to bed....

Spo | May 10, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal

May 9, 2006

At Last He Roars…..

Most saw it as disaster but for me it’s opportunity - Rooney gets injured and the door opens for Gerrad to make this his world cup - he’s carried Liverpool on his back for two seasons and for England he’s never shone playing alongside Lampard, always cancelling each other out - now however, unleashing Gerrad into the forward role behind Owen is the bold move - perhaps alongside Cole - but Eriksson has never been bold - up until todays squad

Theo Walcott, Aaron Lennon, Stuart Downing and only 4 strikers all pointing to 4-5-1 and Crouch up front should Owen show he doesn’t have the juice. We may not be happy about Sol and Hargreaves getting in the squad but still, the man has finally grown some cojunes.


Walcott and Lennon etc - as he said “it’s a huge gamble - but if it pays off he may very well win the world cup.”


And there was no chance of that ever happening if he played safe.


Bring it on.

Spo | May 9, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | News

May 6, 2006

Cranium Command….

As far as the move to Holland goes, one of the main things that I have been worried about is that I’ll have to drive around Europe quite a bit. I guess it’s fairly well known among my friends and family that I am not the worlds greatest driver - I haven’t parked properly for the ten years I’ve had my license and have also crashed two cars for example - I also don’t have much sense of direction, although given time, I do believe I am one the worlds greatest short cut discoverer’s - but driving round Europe, where I’ll be asked to pitch up, hire a car and go find random tea buyers across the designated country - to those that know me this sounds like a recipe for disaster - I’ll be on the wrong side of the road, hopelessly lost, refusing or unable to ask for directions and I’ll be late for everything - I don’t really argue too much.


Well you see that’s the simplistic easy option I can use as my excuse - something I’ve been thinking about a lot today after my dreams from last night.


You see I don’t think I’m that much of a bad driver - I also happen to think that when it comes to parking, I’m just forever lucky - there always seems to be an easy space to drive into - I also don’t care that much about whether or not my car is sticking out into the road or if it looks ridiculous to others - frankly cars, engines, custom made accessories and driving skills all amount to a whole lot of nothing in my eyes - I get from A to B and find it a chore - I’ve never been a petrol head and most of it is a foreign language to me - the rest of the world can get over my bad driving, I’m just not bothered - I don’t drive too fast and, Jakarta apart, I’m not exactly a danger on the roads - I’m just not a great advertiesment for the British school of motoring, that’s all.


The two times I crashed my car it was while under the influence of various mind and mood altering substances - both where fairly remote yet still brainless occurrences for which I cannot really defend, other than to say that at the time of driving I thought I was fine - the states of the vehicles afterwards would obviously suggest otherwise.

For the first I was around 23 when I took a corner at speed and jumped over a steep verge before diving down and smashing into the curb below at the bottom of the ridge - I was half cut on coke and booze and I busted the drive shaft after smashing the right wheel up pretty bad - lucky, in so much as it didn’t get any more serious than that and at so early in the morning, the only person I could of killed was myself - I was able to limp the car to the end of the road and leave it on my parents drive - it was a write off.


I’m supposed to write lesson learned there.


The second time was last year - details at a glance: 3am wasted after the club - picked the car up from the hotel 5 mins from home - kissed the girl driving round a corner at speed and drifted across the three lanes to hit and mount a concrete foot high central reservation - drove through some bushes and trees - dodged the upcoming flyover concrete wall by swerving at last minute to jump back on the road and continue on back to the apartment - dawning realisation kicked in the next day about how close a call it all was - car was fucked up, but fixable.


I didn’t really drive much after that - I guess there wasn’t much reason as taxi’s where so cheap and the traffic was atrocious - I’d do errands here and there and the short drive to work - but I suppose I definitely avoided it if possible - once I got back here in the UK, my old car was long sold and trains have been par for the course as far as work goes - moving to Winchester, I wouldn’t of needed a car either - I told myself it was the expense - petrol, parking, tax, insurance, MOT, upkeep - avoidable.


But last night I dreamt about the last crash for the first time - very surreal - I don’t think I’ve ever dreamt of it before - even as I sit here now I remember the dream so well - as I do the crash - it was the peaceful serenity of the situation - how something so quick, out of the blue, violent and unpredictable just seemed like a perfectly calm state of affairs - there must have been maybe two or three seconds where I just watched events unfold in front of me - like the windscreen was in fact the next step in plasma TV technology and it wasn’t actually happening - something so quick seemed to last so long - I had time to look around and take it all in - like I can still remember what all the plants looked like - the way they would appear in the headlights and before suddenly being sucked under the wheels - as though a magician had clicked their fingers to make them disappear.


Drifting through possibly the last few seconds of your life in slow motion and not seeming to have any influence over events - quiet acceptance and faint amusement as events unfold - with Aphex Twins Selected Ambiance playing in the background - for all the world seeming like the scene in Fight Club where he just lets the wheel spin and come what may.


Apart from the girl - she was screaming but I wasn’t really listening - I mean I can remember her face - but not the sound - well, that is how it goes in the dream.


Could have been the whisky.


So I haven’t driven much since - and I always figured it was circumstance rather than actually avoiding it - up until last night I’ve never really given the incidents themselves much thought - and by that I don’t mean the stupidity of the situations or the possible consequences etc - I mean the experience itself - which I don’t remember as frightening or terrifying - quite the opposite - leading to questions of how wasted was I that I though a hi-speed car crash was peaceful - but really, it just seemed quite surreal more than anything else.


We were in the bar last night and another round of Sambuca arrived at the table - I dutifully downed the distasteful dirge and reached for the JD and coke to wash it down - my body reacted instantly to dispel the evil within - watering eyes, deep gasps and taking a moment to concentrate on not upchucking - it was an automatic reaction to drinking something disgusting - it didn’t matter that I wasn’t drunk or that I have no other problem with any form of alcohol - the body wanted rid of it and wasn’t in the mood for argument - however, I did argue and I won in the end - but the body had made it’s point - No More Sambuca or I would be losing my chin pretty fast and upchucking in a not so quiet corner.


So I’m thinking that the body and deeper reaches of the mind are subconsciously running the show called my life - that I’m being tricked into thinking my conscious thought is making decisions when really there are some automatic choices made for me - for my protection - where instinct is overstepping it’s usual duties and getting involved with conscious decisions, taking over - Jedi mind trick style - instinct has looked at conscious thoughts track record and decided to step in - sort of inner monologue along the lines of:



You don’t need to drive a vehicle
You aren’t very good at it
It’ll endanger us all
You might not have been scared by that last experience with the crash in Jakarta
But the rest of us vital organs sure where and we’ve decided no more driving.
You can’t even park for Christ’s sake!



As though my instinct has decided my mind can’t be trusted and has taken command of the master controls - and telling me that I no longer drive because of circumstance - when really it’s just not a very good idea.


(I think like this thanks to this evenings consumption of Jameson’s Whiskey and something I saw during a family holiday to America when I was about 13 - we were in the Epcot centre and there was this film where Norm from Cheers and a few other people where all in charge of different areas of the body, running it like a factory with orders getting passed down from the management in the brain - all supposedly working together to get you through the day)

Spo | May 6, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Personal

May 5, 2006

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day……..

From Wedding reception dance off's to Bow tie penguin suited Tea trade dinners at the Savoy in London - from legendary days of drinking and football with my brother, to musing on the contemplative come what maybe of life round the corner - tis a week that has had my head in a spin...

The next cuppa is served in the tea tasting adventure and monkey business brews on the horizon.....

I like the view....

Spo | May 5, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK

April 28, 2006

You Don’t Like Rice Michael?…..

Credit card company called and asked if I’d spent 850 pounds in an Indonesian beauty parlour yesterday - as it happens the first thing I thought was how on earth do you spend 850 quid in an Indonesian beauty parlour? and then I told himno - not recently - they removed all the suspect activity from my statement and told me to cut the card up - someone on the other side of the world had gone shopping with it - but in the end I wouldn’t have to pay - so it was all OK.

The moral of the story is that MBNA are quite handy at making sure you don’t get ripped off and also that when you come across a too cheap to be true DVD site based in Thailand - it is in fact probably too good to be true and you shouldn’t buy things from them with your credit card.

Doofus award pour moi.

Tea Retail company we supply sent some folk over to discover the world of tea and choose new products - they wanted to mess around with fruit teas, Rooibos, Peppermint, Chamomile and Green teas - my boss kind of over elaborated on the charm offensive and probably scared the crap out of them - you could see the jokes tumbleweeding across the tasting room - the constant stream of technical tea chatter was going in one ear and out the other as glazed eyes looked around for some sort of excuse to get the hell out of there - my boss seemed oblivious and just steam rollered his way through the day regardless of his obviously wilting audience.

They work in a large multi national corporation that runs the rule over its workforce like something from George Orwell’s 1984 - they have directives sent down to them saying that they must have a paperless office within a week and must dispose of all In-trays and filing cabinets - they go on team building exercises where they wear different coloured hats to show how they are feeling inside - they are limited to one personal item per desk - they no nothing about the job they are doing and manage to get through days by looking interested, nodding and saying yes a lot while reversing any question asked of them back in the opposite direction - people are never sure if they are going to be sacked or not - that kind of thing.

My boss is a very frustrating strange little man sometimes, but I sure as hell prefer dealing with him to working in their bureaucratically fucked up nine-to-five nightmare of a scenario.

They were good people though - especially the feisty blond girl smuggling pillows - she looked like she had a few tricks up her sleeve - ahem - anyways, I let my boss continue his spiel for most of the day and chipped in where necessary - one of the girls turned and asked about whether Green tea was really any better for you than Black tea and if it really was as beneficial to your health as it’s made out to be - I thought about launching into a lengthy explanation of how during production, the earlier you prevent oxidiation, the more anti-oxidants will remain and how these were important in fighting off free radicals inside the body, preventing numerous ailments such as the spread of cancerous cells for example - that unlike black tea, Green tea doesn’t go through a fermentation period before drying and that therefore there would be more anti-oxidants present.

However, when I saw that the day was getting long and people were looking for something short, sharp and to the point, I simply said that it was just like Kiefer Sutherland says in the Lost Boys How can a billion Chinamen be wrong?

Spo | April 28, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK

April 24, 2006

Quality….

Japanese Kids Go Mental on The Xylophone

Genius

Spo | April 24, 2006 | Comments
Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni | Videos & Links

April 21, 2006

4/20 - time for a time out for old times sake…..

Suitably for 4/20 my head is all over the place today - life has jumped up a notch - escalated in fact - I didn't kill anyone with a trident or anything - but it has still been fairly eventful.

Now I gotta get my head round the whole agreeing to throw my chips in the air and see where they lay and up sticks for Rotterdam - fitting that the day the deal is done is April 20th and I'm off to Holland - the date timing is all in the hands of the powers that be across the water - some time in May they say - gotta get a few things sorted this side but I never really settled since returning last November and most of my stuff is still in boxes to tell the truth - just the issue of the flat I bought - that isn't finished - rent or sell?....

Think about that another day - for now I'm not contemplating the if's but's and maybe's of all and sundry to come - all I am appreciating is that there are if's but's and maybe's to contemplate in the first place as I know for sure if I'd of stuck at it here then I could safely predict the in's and out's of each and every working day for the next 10 years or so.

So I guess here I sit - the calm before the storm - whirlwinds on the horizon - so sit back and relax - appreciate fine fortune - the cusp of new adventures - whisky - and the fantastically fuzzy reason behind why today is 4/20 for lackadaisical loafing monkeys with their heads in the clouds everywhere - and deal with all that rest of my life tomorrow.....

Spo | April 21, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal

April 20, 2006

Destined to be the Greatest Sound of the UK Summer?

Ska-pop monster from Keith Allen's daughter: Lily Allen - LDN

Spo | April 20, 2006 | Comments
Film / TV / Music | Videos & Links

April 20, 2006

88mph….

Well there was a bomb scare, our bags got lost for a few days, I spent over 200 quid in strip clubs, one day out of 8 sober, saw my friends have an outstanding wedding, successfully dodged the sun but possibly cracked a rib and returned to find and take up an offer to continue my tea tasting adventures in Holland and work and live in Rotterdam.


What a week.


Don’t worry I’ll explain - starting below....

Spo | April 20, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal

April 20, 2006

Bears Bomb Scare Bonanza….

One of the highlights of my holiday was the Heathrow Bomb Scare at 7am on Sunday 9th of April - you see after checking in and munching brekkie, myself and my friend Bear were about to go through to departures - suddenly a good old fashioned beginning of the holiday season bomb scare announced itself - what this meant for everyone the wrong side of the passport gate was that they had to pile out into the car park for an hour and a half of muchos standing around freezing your ass off tom foolery. What it also meant was no access to the toilets.

Bad news for my friend Bear.

After about 20 mins he seriously needed to drop the kids off at the pool and there was no way the police would let him back in the building to use the nearest gentleman’s arena. He strutted around like Tarquin the pucker faced Ostrich boy - taking deep breaths and doing an awful lot of squinting - it was one of the funniest sights I have ever been privileged to witness and then tension of will he? won’t he? - was unbelievable.

Eventually the bough was on the verge of breaking and Bear had to make a polite waddle to the lifts down to the car park.

A murky corner of short stay car park level 3 will always hold a special place in Bears heart as this was were he found release from his woes.

Some poor station wagon owning family is going to come home to find a nasty surprise waiting for them by the drivers side doorway.

The true sincere wrongness of it all.

Spo | April 20, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion

April 8, 2006

Perfect send off!…..

10 quid each way on Numbersixvalverde winner of the Aintree 2006 Grand National!!!!!!!!!


= 150 quid winnings to blow on Cyprus!


Gran always did say I was destined to be lucky after being born on a Sunday!!


Hurrah!!!!!!

Spo | April 8, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion | News | Personal

April 7, 2006

The King of Organised Living….

Up until yesterday I hadn’t really given much thought to the impending week ahead - in the early AM of Sunday I’m flying to Cyprus for my friends wedding - they’re first of those amongst us to get married from the group who have pretty much stayed freinds since we were all 11 or 12 years old - time flies.

Danvers asked advice on his best man speech - would you laugh if someone got up and said ”I first met the bride and groom in the middle of a orgy gang bang in some Soho sex club - there were tits and arseholes everywhere - much like there are before me here today!”

Boom-Boom.

room killing penny dropper?

or surfs the wave of good natured early drunkeness and gets a laugh?

He said it’s too risky even though he himself laughed his ass off.

The last 24 hours I’ve been getting my head around what time I’m flying, what I do about my ticket, who I’m flying with, which airport, how I’m gonna get to the airport, insurance, clothes.... oh yeah and the 10 or so hours of music I was supposed to have selected, organised and burned onto CD’s for the after wedding drinks in the bar general tom foolery.

So I thought this would be easy - get I-tunes, sort in order of ratings and genre etc etc - but I realise that my collection requires a bit of gardening - should do it as you go really - for collections that are ever growing via the borrowing, buying and stealing form like minded musical folk, a spot of weekly gardening is necessary - ratings, song names, deleting chaff and duplicate tracks.....

If you don’t do it your chances of being able to simply select 10 hours worth of tracks and get around to sorting them in suitable genius mix tape fashion are severely hindered somewhat.

Now then - these people aren’t gibbons nor have they given any particular guidance to what they really want to hear - the CD i burned featuring a lot of the list below is up their street - it’s music for the bar, not for dancing around to - I don’t have to choose chessy floor fillers, stomping techno or old time sing a long classics - I just have to choose good music that most modern musically minded monkeys will appreciate - not too fast - not too slow.....

at a glance....

Thievery Corp, Jack Johnson, Bloc Party, Yeah,Yeah,Yeah’s, White Stripes, Surfjan Stevens, Death Cab, Jimi Hendirx, Ice Cube, John Legend, Kanye West, G-Love, Arctice Monkeys, Finlay Quaye, John Butler, The Editors, Arcade Fire, Broken Social Scene, The Constantines, Hard-Fi, The Fugee’s, TCQ, De La Soul, Jurassic Five, Snoop, John Mayer, Chemical Brothers, Sia, Zero 7, The Bee’s, Fiest, Kings of Convieniance, The Coral, Damien Rice, Foo Fighters, Nirvana, Idlewild, Elbow, Interpol, The Doves, The Killers, Kaiser Chiefs, The Dears, Micheal Jackson....

and Billy Ocean

C’mon - you can’t ignore the Ocean.

Anyways - dipping into my music collection I can already see that this is all going to take me some time - early hours type stuff - but good quality time wasting none the less - give me advice or additions to make via the comments section. I can get anything I need off the net as long as I know the title I’m looking for.

I’m gonna get me a huge list of tracks I think are quality - then I’ll pace it out - break it up - burn it all.

Sure not everything is going to suit the mood and occasion - but I’ll get to that later - right now I just need a huge list of kick ass tracks.

I also think Whisky may help my decision making - it usually does.

And once I’ve finished this all I have to do is find my passport.

muchos gracias people - I’ll post when I can over the next week...

Spo | April 7, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK

April 6, 2006

My Poker name is….

Bootlace

Or simply:

The Lace

it's the Lace on the flop with a couple of Jackanories to tell!....

Spo | April 6, 2006 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion

April 6, 2006

Obviously….

Why do you always look so god damned tired al the time?

Well it’s a combination of not being able to say no to a drink and the entire series of the Soprano’s playing out at 11.35pm weeknights on More4.....

Fairy nuff.

Spo | April 6, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal

April 4, 2006

Incoming! Take cover!……

Man oh man oh man oh man - feeling so ruined and broken - did well to get to the end of yesterday afternoon and then went out for dinner with a long lost good friend of mine - I was paying, she was driving, I was listening, she was interrogating - so I finished all the wine and tried to bluff but kinda got lost for words as my approach to love, life and the future was dissected over the course of the meal - I have answers to such questions on a good day - not on a day of recovery from the wknd just past - wrong day to try and see what makes me tick when the all I got is the weekends whisky coursing through my veins.

One side of us there was one of those beautiful couples that have nothing to say to each other - are you a natural blonde? - is that a good car or.... is it like a car that is kinda good? - other side sat two girl friends who where a bit too quiet and where a bit too close to us, so I end up feeling like I'm on trial in the eyes of all woman kind - they listened in knowing I was in trouble.

"...So what kind of woman do I want to meet? What am I doing about it? Why hasn't it happened so far? What is it about the relationships with the women friends closest to you that teaches you about what you do and don't want from an actual relationship? Why didn't you take things further with the women you've been involved with in the past? If certain situations were your fault and you recognise that now, why did you not recognise it then? Is it that you are chasing after impossible situations as you know that way you'll never actually have to face up to being in a relationship and can wallow in the misfortune you purposefully create? Why do you think you have to be the one to try and impress and say all the right things? Can't it be the other way around? Who needs lines when both people being themselves is better anyway? Why does the flat, car, money and physical appearance have to come before getting to your love life? Won't there always be another 6 months until my life is in order?...."

I'm not kidding - and that's just what I can remember - coming in quick fire fashion as I sink beneath the red waves of some fine South African number and just try and get a word in edgeways every so often.
She may have had her moments of clarity along with madness in equal degree - and It's not that I disagree with all of what was levelled or don't have answers given a moment to consider.

It's just that I really would of rather been tucked up in bed than under the spotlight....

...Gods honest is that I think that being out of shape, living with your parents, no car, needing to save what ever money I can towards the flat that I manage not to waste on drinking and not knowing where to start when it comes to an opening gambit kind of puts such designs on hold for 6 months until I get some of the aforementioned sorted out.

"you always seem to be recovering from a hangover of some var