The Glass Trap - Monster Movies are not always cool….

July 26, 2005

The Glass Trap - Monster Movies are not always cool….

The Gla ss Trap - the story of how a cleaner and a bitchy magazine execs assistant meet and fall in love (well, agree to go for coffee) set against the backdrop of an invasion of angry giant radio active ants. Really.

”Starring” C.Thomas Howell former member of the 80’s brat pack and films such as the Outsiders, Soul man, the Hitcher, Red Dawn and erm… The Hitcher 2? he also married and divorced Rae Dawn Chong who I always thought has a really cool name.

Directed by Fred Olson Ray who also brought the world Bikini a Go Go, The Bikini Escort Company, Genie in a String Bikini, Bikini Airways, Bikini Hoe-Down, Bikini Drive-In, Scream Queen Hot Tub Party, and the classic Hollywood Ch ainsaw Hookers - tag line ”they charge an arm and a leg”. One suspects after watching the Glass trap, that the names of these films are about as enjoyable as they get.

In 1998 Fred tried a change of direction and made Dear Santa - remarkably it didn’t meet with fame and success so he went back to making things like 13 Erotic Ghosts - it was for the best.

Movie went as follows:

1 min - Starts with garden nursery worker Miguel looking mildly confused by on rushing camera and chopstick clicking noises - cut to blood spattered on leaf - I’m not sure but I think Miguel might be dead. Shame - he turns out to be the most likeable character in this monkey bath of a movie.

2 min - After a remarkably professional looking beginning sequence considering the shit that follows - we meet our hero and heroine - C Thomas Howell plays the kind hearted ex-con cleaner in a large office building (the glass trap) - some babe half his age plays a secretary type person called Sharon working for a bitchy magazine exec - bitchy lady throws cigarette on floor - Sharon looks over at our forlorn looking hero and then down at the smouldering cigarette - ”I’m sorry” she says and leans down to pick it up - ”no! no! that’s ok” protests our hero - ”no I’ll get it” - ”no, no, no I’ll get it” he says and crouches down to headbutt the squatting heroine in the worst two people going for the same thing and accidentally headbutting each other scene in the existence of cinema.

3 mins - ”I’m sorry, are you ok?” he says helping her up as she laughs apologetically (or at the script) - she places cigarette in his hand - they look at each other with very loving eyes - bitchy lady summons her to the opening lift - girl looks back for fleeting loving glance over the shoulder style

C Thomas Howell looks smug - if we could read his characters mind he would be thinking :

“ah! the old crouching headbutt trick - never fails - I truly am one smooth fucker“

Sharon the babe gets in the lift and as doors close, looks at our hero with wry smile and yet more loving eyes - this is despite the fact that from that angle she couldn’t possibly see him.

8 mins - planty tree like things arrive from garden nursery on a trolley about the size of the average one you’d find in a supermarket - there are supposed to be hundreds of giant ants hidden in here.

9 mins - FBI Agent from the ministry of Agriculture (?!?) arrives at the nursery - apparently there is some illegally imported fauna in the area (shit!) - she’s here to investigate - if investigating can be called looking confused, stating the obvious and having no effect on proceedings in any way what so ever for the entire fucking movie.

10 mins - FBI woman sees dead body of Miguel and faints. Worst fainting ever in a movie. It’s almost as though she got down on her hands and knees and rolled over going ”ohhhhh”

22 mins - Random man hits our C Thomas Howell over the head with a duck carving. he then says ”guess you should of ducked”. This man seems to have done this for no reason.

23 mins - A giant Ant breaks through the floor (or rather a stage hand pushes it through a hole) - it looks like a blackcurrant balloon animal and is about the size of a small child. Sharon is not impressed.

36 mins - “random duck wielding man” gets stuck in a lift and then attacked by one of the blackcurrant inflatables - he attacks it with the mightiest of weapons - a ball point pen - he proceeds to roll around and throw himself about while the ant makes no movements what so ever - off camera people seem to be making squeaking noises. It’s almost as bad as when Schwarzenegger fought that giant inflatable snake in Conan the Barbarian.

40 mins - quote:

Random techie scientist geek: you know Miguel, the body we found earlier today? I was doing prelim on him and I took blood and tissue samples.. just to check....I found traces.... significant traces..... of formic acid - since this guy seemed to be in the same shape I did a quick check on him and guess what I found....
Sheriff: I’m going to go out on a limb here and say formic acid
RTSG: BINGO!!!....... you don’t get it do you? formic acid is not a naturally occurring element in the human body
Fainting FBI: are you saying that’s how they were killed?
RTSG: no you couldn’t kill somebody with it unless you drowned them with it - I checked it out - formic acid is the active ingredient in the saliva of the capres-noogus-extrira-peas (latin sounding bollocks)
Fainting FBI: OH MY GOD!

Sheriff: the what!?
RTSG: the victims were eaten.... by ANTS!

56mins - Women in bikini’s turn up for no reason what so ever. Unless a random fashion shoot on the roof of the ”Glass trap” is a reason. Good Fred, had to get his Bikini fix in here somewhere.
57mins - Bitchy lady dies after ants drag her back into an airvent - I think the director is trying to pay homage to Aliens here - but just makes himself out to be a fucknut with a camera - other people try to help her in a really unenthusiastic manner and fail apathetically - no one seems bothered.

59 mins - FBI of Agriculture woman explains that this department experiment is so secret that the president doesn’t even know it exists - probably because he’d say it’s a really fucking stupid idea - turns out plutonium leaked onto to some tree’s on a boat and the ants were in the tree’s and now they have become giant angry radioactive ants
Sheriff: GIANT ANGRY RADIOACTIVE ANTS! why aren’t we doing something!?
FBI woman: we are - we’re bringing in a specialist

Enter Martin Kove - you know Martin Kove - yes you do - he was John Kreese, Cobra Kai Sensei in the Karate Kid - no! not Mr.Miyagi! - (although he was in Tremors) - Martin Kove is the evil leader baddie sensei that wants to give pussey Laruso boy an ass whopping… anyways

Cobra Sensei Cigar Chomping shades Wearing Bad Ass Colonel Special Agent Corrigan arrives

(Fuck yeah!)

Cobra Sensei: whaddya got here?

Bad Actor Dude: we’re not exactly sure sir - the field agents reported that some trees had been delivered into this building

what kind of tree’s?

palms I believe sir........but we think the tree’s .... .are infested..... .with ANTS

Ants? that’s it? that’s why they brought me all the way out here? for some God Damned Ants!?

Sir, they are radio active

Radio active? (he says with a sudden wry evil shit eating grin)

Highly… (looking strangely aroused)

Now that’s more like it soldier! - show me some ants!

(Fuck Yeah!)

I don’t think I need to rip the piss out of the above dialogue - it speaks for itself.

did you bring a key to this place?
erm no....
(pulls out gun shoots door)
good thing I brought mine… (what a legendary cock knocker this guy is!)

Meanwhile the motley crew of survivors have fixed a wire across to the roof of the next building - they make their way across one by one - giving our director a chance to show some gratuitous bikini ass - during this escape one of the ants manages to get on the wire and kill that ”duck wielding random dude” from earlier - a mix of a man hanging from a washing line in front of a blue screen and a balloon animal tied to it making squeaking noises - this is possibly the worst action sequence in the history of film.

Cobra Sensei walks around the Glass House for about five minutes - he sees one ant - one - and that one ant attacks the bad actor dude from behind so he shoots the bad actor dude seven times in the chest so the bullets go right through and kill the ant too. Bit over the top perhaps.

Cobra Sensei then decides to fill this place with “enough DDT to flatten Texas, we’re going to have ourselves a good old fashioned Bug barbecue” - this really seems a bit extreme and also - in the history of the earth - who the fuck has ever had a bug barbecue?!?!

1 hr 12 mins - Sheriff and Sharon (what a team!) go back into the soon to be DDT’d building to rescue some random fat chick who phoned the random duck wielding dead guys mobile and said ”come rescue me! there’s ants in the basement!” - Cobra Sensei’s response to this? “Collatoral damage” - Legend.

Sheriff says: “Nice shoes - are you going to be able to run in those?”
Sharon: “Well I won’t get far in life if I can’t do everything in heels”

this reminded me of the following conversation I once had:

Girl: I can’t walk in these shoes
Me: Then why the Bleeding Jesus Mary Mother of Fucking Joseph did you buy the damn things?..

1hr 17 mins - Absolute carnage - Sheriff gets an inflatable ant to the throat - Fat chick gets her feet nibbled - Sharon the babe picks up a gun and starts busting caps in ant ass like a God damned Navy Seal - then Doofus Cleaner C.Thomas Howell turns up AFTER everything has finished - exchanges loving glances with girl - film remembers that there are ants around - Sharon the babe and C Thomas Howell leg it and hide in caged electricity generator thingy-ma-jig

1hr 19mins - very disconcerting lingering ”up nose” shot of Cobra Sensei - he needs to trim that nose hair - it is absolutely out of fucking control

1hr 20 mins - Sharon the Babe electrocutes the giant angry radioactive ants - all 4 of them. Meanwhile C.Thomas Howell holds a spade in a threatening manner.

1hr 21mins - my favourite bit - Cobra sensei is sitting on the hood of his car chomping a cigar laughing at nothing while counting down the seconds until DDT action - ”16,15...” then a large breasted girl runs into the scene, dramatically points in the general direction of the building and says ”Help! there is a guygamoogananaieis the building” - I checked this a few times and I have no idea what she is actually saying - the girl had one line - one line - her whole life she’s been waiting for this - and she fucks it up completely.

Sensei Cobra says ”don’t you worry little lady just relax” puts his arm across her breasts pins her against the car - holds her there totally and utterly copping a feel big time - this is the most awkward looking scene in movie history - the woman looks like she has just taken a dump in her pants - I really believe she was not expecting this.

”13!” - cut to shot of the countdown timer ”10” - shot of C.Thomas Howell and Sharon the babe running out the doors - camera cuts back to Cobra with his arm still over the breasts of that random girl, copping a feel big time “7!” he’s had his mitts there for 8 seconds - 8 seconds - she should be suing for sexual harassment

“3, 2, 1” - cut to a scene of three oil drums - a pathetic set of fire crackers goes off on top of them - cut to a shot of the front door with a little bit of smoke coming out of it - Not exactly blowing up the fucking White House in Independence fucking Day is it?

Final Ant makes last gasp attempt for freedom - Cobra Sensei finally removes hand from girls breast and goes over and stamps on its head - unfortunately he says nothing cool while doing this, cool things like ”Go to hell you Damn Dirty Giant Radioactive Angry Ant” or ”One thing I never told you about me - I hate Ants”.....

or ”You got knocked the Fuck Out!” like Smokey in Friday.

C.Thomas Howell asks Sharon the Babe out for coffee..... ”yeah I’d like that” she replies looking at him with loving eyes (what is she? a fucking poodle?) .... they go to kiss and end up pecking each other on the cheek....he looks up at the Glass house building mysteriously pondering (like what the fuck happened to my career that meant I ended up in this mongoloid dump of a movie) … credits roll.... and so ends one of the worst films ever made.

But it still wasn’t as bad as Cursed.

Spo | July 26, 2005