Scooter Mayhem….

January 11, 2006

From the moment the girl took the keys out of the ignition and told me to get off so she could wheel the scooter out into the road and point it in the right direction - we all kind of knew that I’d be meeting the tarmac at an awkward angle at high speed sooner or later - well moderate scooter speeds anyway – but wearing flip-flops, shades, shorts and T-shirt, any kind of combination of speed and tarmac is bad.

Sure, I was apprehensive about hiring a scooter – but it was the best way around the island and you can’t hide from possible injury all your life – even when it is kind of inevitable given my history.

Sun burned to hospitalization in Malawi, run down and dehydrated after Mozambique so hospitalized once I got to Kenya, virus ridden and hospitalized along with a car crash in Indonesia, a visit to the chiropractors after falling off the back of Gary’s motorcycle in Nam, a busted knee in Tanzania and countless pratfalls and general moonbattery here in UK – like killing my XR2 at the top of the hill, the chang inspired three day nose bleed sending me to Derriford hospital, picking up Beverley from the train with my hand stuck in a pint glass of water due to Kettle steam (subtle but dangerous), getting electrocuted on the fence running away from a startled horse, wasp nest disaster while tree climbing, falling in the river Test in front of the Mayfly pub garden, bouncing off the bonnet of Darcy’s car while pretending to be Teenwolf, head over handlebars aged seven and countless sprained ankles, dead legs, gashed elbows and black eyes.

I’ve been in the wars, to be sure.

But never broken a bone or a dislocated anything.

I keep going back for more – despite the odds always being against me more than most – if there’s six of us on scooters – it’s me that’s gonna fall off at some point – we all knew that - my ratio isn’t like that of other mortals - I’m starting in the red every time.

However, for three days with the wind in my hair, being my own man, I was free as a…… well no I was concentrating on not falling off actually – and when Jenks suggested a 13.5km there and back trek up and down dodgy jungle roads to the remote part of Ko Phan Ngan, I said ”Ok” but I knew that it was one mission I probably wouldn’t be coming back from – like the guy that was a bit short of the mark in boot camp and looked at Normandy Beach as artillery fire whistled towards him and thought “yeah – I’m probably gonna get it - first off the boat” – that’s me, the perennial non-cast member that makes up the extra man for the exploration party to new planets – and when I saw the steep verges and gravel strewn drops – the people in the passing mud covered taxi’s laughing and shaking their heads as they knew what we were driving towards – I thought

“well you’re coming off somewhere – it’s just a question of when”

Start with a defeatist attitude and you will be defeated preaches the self help empire – yeah, well with my track record it’s god damned common sense, dagnamnit – only fools are fearless, courage is having fear and doing it anyway - after the arduous trail was negotiated one way – beach reached and a couple of beers later with rumbling grey skies above us, we did the trail again – beat it both times with only minor spills (I swear I had dodgy brakes).

The three of us made it out the other side – the proverbial scooter journey to the dark side of the moon and back – I had conquered the scooter – it was now my bitch.

Then, at an innocent junction – confidence got the better of me – one feisty rev too much and an instinctive full on use of the brakes and acceleration at the same time – back wheel slides left – front wheel strives to kiss the sun – “look at me ma, top of the world!” – then your surfing the tarmac wave using your right arm and leg for purchase – ass smackdown and bounce right back up again as you slide through two lanes of traffic.

He’s up! – he’s ok! – nope – he’s got blood spewing from a hole in his arm and that knee cap’s taken a shaving – last nights samsong still allows for that feeling of being made of rubber though so you won’t feel that shit till later.

We drove back through the rain storm – passed a clinic along the way – got back and patched me up – we all knew my scooter days were now over – it’s for the best – good while it lasted – wind in your hair, being your own man and all that - I knew I’d pay with more than money eventually – and I truly got one of the greatest bruises this world has ever seen out of it as well – the initial dinner plate sized black, blue and red jamboree – looked like the galaxy – we named it the ”Nebulous” and people asked to have their pictures taken with the miracle that was my monstrously bruised ass.