Phoebe Cates was one hot cheeka!

June 16, 2005

When I was in Toronto last year I went to see the Maple leafs play Buffalo and realised that while the experience is quite an assault on the senses as far as advertising goes, there are some definite plus points over watching sports in the UK.

1) Violence - there was a guy called Tai Domi and he was a mean looking badass mofo - his purpose on the ice was to hurt other players - a fight broke out between two lesser players who kind of skated in circles and held onto each others arms for a bit - they eventually pusseyed out of actually going hell for leather and opted for what seemed to be a spot of groping and hugging - the crowd really hated this with a passion and they were ceremonially booed from the ice - even the referee looked disappointed as they took their place in the sin bin - the sin of not fighting properly was their crime and Mr.Domi was to show them the error of their ways.

Toronto were losing something like 6-3 and time was ticking down - Domi butted into some guy, downed sticks and went straight at it like gangbusters - two punches - proper full on jaw breakers and the other guy is down on the ice - but our man Domi is not finished yet - he goes for the kill and smacks him one more time - fist meets head meets ice - knocked the fuck out - carried from the ice by his team mates leaving a pool of blood behind. What did Domi do? skated the rink arms aloft!!!! the crowd cheered him like a king!!!! I’d never sen anything like it!! what did the ref do? absolutely bleeding nothing apart from pointing to the sin bin! - like this guy didn’t know where it was already!

Califargafuckinglistic!

In comparison when you see the diving and feigning injury that footballers (I cannot and will not ever refer to it as soccer) indulge in, it’s a bit embarrassing. Rugby makes up for it I guess, but it’s nothing compared to the fights in ice hockey. Violence in sport is also usually so unexpected and painful - like when people get hit in the face by the ball really hard or take a nasty fall and bust a bone the wrong way - it’s that cringing moment that makes the crowd collectively appreciate they are not on the receiving end. Never have I ever been more thankful that I was not on the receiving end of the sporting injury I had just witnessed as I was when I saw Tai Domi smack that guys head into the ice. God damn that must of hurt.

2) Hot women handing out really good food - in UK we have shitty cold over priced pies that allegedly contain some form of meat product - these are served to us through a hatch in a cold dungeon like surrounding by a woman covered in tattoo’s who looks like she could beat the shit out of you - in America they have hot 19 year old women running round with keypads delivering numerous munch worthy items like pizza and hot dogs to your seat while you watch the game.

3) Cheerleaders - not with ice hockey obviously, but in general this is a brilliant idea that I’m gravely disappointed our sports have not managed to properly embrace it. Beautiful women in tight clothing jumping up and down - the pure divine simplicity of the idea is astounding.

But after these areas, there still isn’t enough to suck me in - although it’s fast and furious there is too much coming and going of players - not enough tension in the game - too many time outs that seem designed for adverts and making people in the audience kiss each other in front of everyone else on the big screen (try that in UK! desperate people get married on the field at half time on occasion and the crowd sings “you don’t know what you’re doing” and “does she take it up the arse?” at them - every girls dream) - it also didn’t seem like the players really gave a shit about the score - like it wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to them to lose in front of the fans that love the team they play for.

I think that a large part of sports popularity is that it is ingrained in the culture you grow up in from an early age - not just the watching or the playing of the game itself, but everything that surrounds it - not ness-sir-celery all the hype, the media talk, the gossip, the personalities and the merchandise - but the binding elements that mean that everyone will have an opinion and the subject can cross social classes/race/country even language - when I got stuck in Mozambique and couldn’t speak Portuguese and the people I was with couldn’t speak English we could communicate through the names of football players, teams, scores and events like the world cup final.

You’ve got the good times and bad times that you share in collective unison with friends, family and complete strangers - when victory or defeat can bring mass elation or misery to millions all at once.

And sport also usually provides excellent reasons to meet up with friends and get wasted as well.

So these things will be true for everyone attached to the sport they care about in their respective country - I’m probably never going to get into Baseball, American football or Ice Hockey as much as USA/Canada is never likely to truly embrace football, rugby or cricket - the two cultures are intertwined with the sports they love and those respective games seem destined to remain on opposite sides of the Atlantic.

However I am getting into basketball due to the finals being played on ESPN here in Asia and there is no football at the moment. I couldn’t ever see the hook with basketball as I figured that one of the things about football that makes it so special, is that you invest all that concentration and time into a building of tension between goals - when a goal is scored there is an explosion of pent up emotion - like having sex with a woman for 30 mins instead of 5 - see Train-spotting when Renton says ”that was nearly as good as when Archie Gemmil scored against Holland in 1979” - with basketball though, balls going in the hoop every few of minutes would lose their attraction after you’ve cheered for the 30th time in 40 minutes.

Or so I’ve always thought - now I appreciate it’s like piece of elastic and both teams are at either end - the further apart the score gets the more the team doing the stretching is likely to break the elastic in their favour - this doesn’t make for great entertainment if it’s a white wash but with the fact that it takes only a matter of seconds to go from defence at one end, to attack at the other, there is always that chance your team can come back from being 10 or 12 points down even when there is only a few minutes on the clock - the tension builds right up to the final quarter and if it’s still close by few points when you get to the last minute then it is really white knuckle stuff.

All those individual baskets don’t mean half as much as if your team scores, makes a steal and then scores again without reply - then the gap is getting bigger and the elastic is getting thinner in the middle - that second basket is the money shot.

So it’s growing on me - and out here they’ve got the coverage to keep up with it as well - I want the Pistons to win because I remember them playing the Chicago Bulls when I was in Florida on holiday back when I was 14.

One thing though - every time I watch basketball I can’t get that song out of my head from the end of Teen Wolf - you know the one - that power-rock-casio-synth-shoulder-pad-big-hair number with the chorus that has somebodies dad wailing “Wiiiiinnnnnn in the end!!! you’ve got to win in the end! Wiiiiinnnn....” etc etc - Michael J Fox looking every inch the weediest little sweaty punk this world has ever seen, Hi-fiving it with that blubbering chunky guy as they turn the tables and prove they don’t need the wolf after all - be yourself and you’ll win in the end - what a crock of shit - if ever there were two of the most unlikely basketball players to step foot on a court - chunky butler and Marty McFly - imagine them against the Pistons! no fucking way!

But you believe they can do it because of that chessey bag of 80’s synth shite playing in the background.

I fell off the bonnet of my mates moving car pretending I was teen wolf. I loved the way everyone reacted when he changed into this freak of nature – a possibly dangerous carnivorous man eater – a creature of famed myth and legend – who’s very existence could throw the belief system of society into chaos – something the government would want to capture and study in some Area 51 style base and make wolf soldiers from his genes - but wait! He can play ball! Forget everything! Don’t call the men in white coats!

This hairy bastard is going to win us the championship! God damn it!

“Give…. Me ….. a keg….. of beer”

And that Pamela girl wanted to fuck his hairy ass big time – no questions asked – no consideration of how all that hair might kinda make her feel like she was making out with the neighbors dog or what their kids were gonna look like – she wanted puppy love doggy-style from the wolf man. Oh yeah!

Yet there was some seriously dark evil shit going on in the background of Teen Wolf – not Styles weird freaky friend who never liked Scotty again once he turned into the wolf man - I’m talking about the father and the headmaster – he killed Scotty’s dads wife with a shotgun! And they still live in the same town! No recriminations after all these years! Scotty’s dad is gonna get medieval on that guy as one day – do an American werewolf in London up on the moors number on his ass! Imagine that – your teacher blows your mums head off with a shotgun and laughs about it to your father when ever they meet – ok there’s circumstances here what with being a werewolf and everything - but still – that’s a bitter pill to swallow for any man or beast.

Christ on a bike – it’s nearly 9pm – this post really has gone in a slightly off centre direction from were it started……

Hmmmm….. Phoebe Cates as Poof – damn that was one hot cheeka!