People get together for a lot less…

July 1, 2005

hmmm..... think that I should do more posting when drastically hungover, sleep deprived, angry, shocked and upset - it does make for honest at the time writing I guess - retrospectively I'm not sure I should post letters I receive in private or those I post to others in private - in this case they help tell the story of how I'm feeling - which is part of writing this - but they didn't consent to having personal matters discussed in such a way - but these were extraordinary circumstances and should they ever read this I would hope they would see from the things I've written how important the two of them are to me - that writing is a big thing for me and always has been - a way of expression - and that is what I felt in the heat of the moment... . so fuck it - as I said - probably not thinking straight at the time - my game at 10% for sense and sensibility but 100% for honesty and emotion.
I think that now after talking with Hanh we both feel we had a good 18 months - an amazing 18 months actually - and fate is homunculus mongoloid mother fucker at times - but what to do now? well all I can say is that if she wants to get the passport, catch the plane, leave the job, family, culture and notably the arranged marriage army colonel husband burning in flames of anger - come here - we figure it out - raise his child as my own - married forever more - alienate her family in the process - sure - she can do that - I'll fly to Hanoi and help her pack - pay the tickets - pull the relevant strings - people get together all the time for a lot less reason.
Surely it doesn't need to be the world of fiction for that kind of thing to happen? sounds plausible doesn't it?
The truth is that is a whole world of shit to deal with - and I can't begin to think how to help her through it - but if she wants to leap - I'll catch her - and I could love her - but if you can quantify such a thing perhaps, I don't love her enough as I should do to run off and get married just like that - but these are exceptional circumstances - if that's what is being asked of me and the alternative is that she ends up in a shitty situation, giving up her career, raising a child with a man she doesn't love - is this not a time to step up and try and be a superman?
But in the end what can you do? she has to do the hard stuff here - no matter what I think, say or do - we can look back and wish that things were done differently - that perhaps this whole thing might not have ended up this way if she had been a bit more open about the consequences of me leaving last year - but she wanted to find out if I loved her and if I did then I would of done the necessary and we'd of left together in December - and if I didn't then...
So the bolt from the blue - the pain and shock - emotional freak out at getting her mail first thing - while still frazzled from the night before (were I rather unbelievably posted to girl can talk at 4.50am when I got back - and was kind of lucid) - I didn't break things or drink into oblivion in the end - I didn't end up ringing Anna at god knows what the time - I just sorted my head out and got some sleep in the end.
Next day, bite the bullet and accept this is the way it is
I feel guilt more than anything - I didn't see this coming - didn't know that this would be the consequence of my uncertainty - fucking around with the what ifs, buts and maybes - life's what's happening while you are making those plans (hey JL) - and fuck does it move quickly sometimes - and even when she got married there was all this talk of how once things settled with the looking after the older folks we'd move on to figure it out - and it then the pregnancy - boom - smoke the possible future -you thought you had a minute but that was actually a second - times up - no last gasp three pointer for you - game over man.
People get together for a lot less
Guilt - were there should be loss, anger and pain

Spo | July 1, 2005