ME KILL EVERYONE!!!!!!

May 10, 2007

I got cut off by the water board, the phone company and the DSTV people all on the same fucking morning today - and I’ve paid the fucking water board and Phone company already last week - and the DSTV is supposed to send you a little msg/bill thingy on the screen when it’s due - how can Malawi be so inefficent 90% of the time and then when it comes to money owed they’re on it like gangbusters? and even then they fuck it up.

and then there was the Fucking Frog incident again.

God damn motherfucking Frog sits outside my window around 5am about 2 or 3 times a week and proceeds to make a high pitched squealing sound until dawn has finally broken - since the first few times this has happened, I’ve explained to the guards that when they hear the damn fucking frog squealing they are supposed to go round the back of the house and scare it off or kill it if possible - and I know what you’re thinking “if you want a job done properly then you’ve got to do it yourself”, but in all honesty the guards at my place pretty much have to do two things - open and close the gate and press a panic button to call Securicor if robbers come - now I’ve added this third responsibility to their list of chores....

....and it seems it is completely fucking beyond them.

For the second time this week I get out of bed at 5am, open the front door, check Francis is not sleeping (yet again) and then ask him to go and kill the fucking frog - he just looks at me like I’m from out of space and mumbles something in chechewa - from which I pick up the word “ojeni” meaning something or other, and note a general look of confusion/stupidity - which is not uncommon for Francis who is certainly about as sharp as a biscuit.

I mean he can hear the frog nearly as clearly as I can from the other side of the house - it’s a high pitched squealing sound that repeats over and over and fucking over again until someone gets involved to stop it - I don’t care if he’s been sitting there for years and may have possibly got used to the noise, surely his world must also be a more serene and pleasant place to be without the frog than with it?

Surely he’s just sitting there thinking to himself (possibly, for some reason, in a Texan accent) “Gee fucking whizz that noise sure is fucking annoying the living shit out of me - I sure wish someone would go and stomp that fucking frog into Gods green earth and then pin it to a notice board as a warning to other Frogs not to come round here with that high pitched whining fucking shit they spout all night long”????

So anyways - Francis looks dumbfounded by what I’m trying to communicate to him - even using the most broken form of English - fair enough, I know he’s not a rocket scientist but I’m still pretty sure he should be able to vaguely figure out what the issue might be seeing as English is pretty much spoken all over Malawi in some form or another, but no so:

Therefore I have to:

• Imitate the Frog noise
• Make frantic hacking motion
• Point frantically to back garden

at which point Francis then gives a look of understanding which is perhaps due to a the wave of recognition washing over him as he suddenly remembers the 5 or 6 other times I’ve had to physically mime out the problem to him over the last few weeks.

Francis then gets the panga and slopes off round the back of the house and I go back to bed.

Only to be kept awake by Francis making more noise trying to find and kill the fucking frog than the frog was making in the first fucking place.

In other news my beloved Panasonic DMX-FX7 camera has been fixed and is making it’s way here via DHL from UK - true enough, I’ve ended up paying more to fix it than it costs to buy new - but import duty and insurance payout issues mean that it is in fact cheaper to get it fixed in the end - plus it’s my camera and I love it and I want it back.

I would be able to tell when it’s going to arrive, but my parents have given me the tracking number for the parcel that I originally sent them back in February rather than the parcel they just sent themselves the other day.

The geniuses.

Spo | May 10, 2007