February 15, 2007
I don’t do Spiders - anything but F**king Spiders…….
Living in the places I’ve lived I should be able to handle critters of all shapes and sizes - for the most part this is true - I’m not saying I will ever consider going on Fear Factor, nor am I saying that creepy crawlie ojeni flying thingies don’t make me wary of where I tread and lay my head - but I’ve eaten fried bee’s, drunk wasp whisky and I’ve had some fierce battles with over sized cockroaches (while sitting on the toilet) as well as being bitten by a million mosquitoes over time.
Then there was the Bear Bile Juice LSD style Whiskey in Nghia Lo, something unidentifiable in Bangkok, Goats Brains in Peshawar and Hanoi Dog restaurants.
And don’t forget I’ve drunk the still beating heart of a snake at the Hanoi Snake Restaurant
So obviously I’m not squeamish and I’m open to experience - you have to be if you don’t want to offend peoples cultures - at least try it to say you don’t like it.
The only thing I really regret is the dog restaurants - dog is fucking, putrid, chewy, dark meat that should not be on anyone’s menu - I don’t give a fuck how old the custom is or how fucking poor people are - dog should not be dinner - as Jules says “dogs a filthy animal” and as I’m telling you “it tastes fucking disgusting - don’t fucking eat it”.
But if there is one thing on this earth that will freak the living fuck out of me for forever more, it is fucking god damn motherfucking spiders - I have serious Arachnaphobia - I really really can’t deal with those horrible unpredictable, creepy, eight-eyed, scuttling, jumping, web crawling, nightmare-of-nature bastards.
Really.
I’m like all wide eyed frozen like Jeff Daniels trapped in the basement in the film of the same name (still can’t really watch that film without freaking).
I think it’s all traced back to finding one on my shoulder when I was in the tea fields in Kenya - just sought of saw it out the corner of my eye and it’s sitting there on my fucking shoulder! I screamed like a girl and nearly ran all the way back to Nairobi for fucks sake.
I know people are supposed to conquer their fears and folk say they’re harmless and you just need to let one crawl around on you to get over it (or some other crazy sounding form of get to know your enemy style shit) - but really - Fuck the Fuck off - I’m quite happy to keep on running away from the hairy eight-legged little freaks of evolution rather than start cuddling up to them when I go to sleep - I mean I can’t see any plus points to conquering the fear I have of spiders - the fear exists for a reason and that reason is that they are fucking dangerous and they are not of this earth.
THEY’VE GOT EIGHT FUCKING EYES FOR FUCKS SAKE - I mean what kind of creature needs eight eyes????!!!! EIGHT!!!!! and the other thing is that anyone that finds out I have really bad Arachnaphobia then then joyfully regales me with their own spider stories - and what with us being in Africa - EVERYONE has a spider story or ten.
Paul got chased around his house by an Elephant Spider which had the circumference of the average dinner plate, Mrs.Doran at Zoa tea had some sort of black hairy eight-legged monster attach itself to her right arm and her father had to burn it off with a hot piece of coal (a hot piece of coal for Fucks sake! what are these creatures!), Lauren at Scuba Shack keeps on going on about how you see them scuttling around on the beach at night, Roy was telling me that when he’s killed Baboon Spiders green blood comes out (Green blood for Fucks Sake! again I say what are these fucking creatures!), Maganga tells me of how certain spiders here just don’t have a Chechewa name as they are too grotesque for words and are simply referred to as “the unknown” - Sweet Jesus Ringing the Bells of St Christopher!
With it being rainy season this is when they come out of the forests and down from the tree’s and head for the warmth of peoples houses - imagine! your whole fucking house surrounded by the things! as they slowly creep their way towards your place - inching over the grass and looking for any possible entry point.. AyYiYi… evil creatures.
When I went to Roy Crawfords place out in Thyolo and was sitting in the front room having a beer when I got bitten by a termite - instant reaction is to flick it off and stamp on it muttering about how “I thought that could of been one of those feckin spiders” - which leads obviously on to spider stories and general mickey taking (as everyone else living in Africa and Asia seems fairly at ease with the heinous accidents of evolution) - and then he commented that I shouldn’t go back out the way I came in - inquiring as to why, he told me to go and have a look at the roof of the porch :
Now I know they aren’t the greatest photo’s in the world but I was hardly hanging around to zoom in check the contrast etc - there were fucking shit loads of spiders up there! all those little white bits you see were fucking tennis ball sized nests while that big black ojeni thing was one of the main boys and about the size of my hand - they were fucking dropping down and spinning strands all over the shop - the whole porch roof was COVERED in spiders and spider webs - it was like this was were all spiders come from - it was all I could do to glance up and hold my gaze for a few seconds and refrain from rushing off to find something to burn down Roy’s entire house.
They were scuttling and running around and all kinds of things - fucking horrible, nasty, fucking creatures.
I couldn’t believe his whole fucking porch was one giant fucking spiders nest - “it keeps the mosquitoes out” - YEAH?!?! well that’s all very well but what the fuck keeps the fucking spiders out?????!!! Harsh Fucking Language???!!!
Which brings the age old response of “they’re just as scared of you as you are of them” - people that say these sorts of things should be taken out and fucking shot - spiders are not fucking scared of me at all - they’ve got fangs, they jump, they scuttle, they creep, they make messy web type shit to trap your face in when you walk between tree’s and bushes, they have poison in them that makes you swell up like the fucking Hindenburg and they’ve got EIGHT FUCKING EYES!
Eight of them.
Eight.
Why the fuck should they be scared of me when they’ve got that array of scary-assed shit in their locker?
Fucking Spiders.
Spo | February 15, 2007
Comments on I don’t do Spiders - anything but F**king Spiders…….
i’m not particularly afraid of spiders (a whole nest, yes), but i would have to agree that i see no real evidence that they’re afraid of us.
spiders are fucking assassins, man. that’s what they are. hunters. cold-blooded hunters.
i was waiting for the beating snake heart tale to come as soon as i read your intro. it took a while.
and btw ... i’m listening to damien rice these days.
Posted by eric on 02/16 at 04:33 AM
Achemwene! dial up does indeed make those You Tube vid’s something of a commitment doesn’t it?
Spiders - seriously the governments of the world need to look at whether we need them balanced against the fact that they are not of this earth! NOT OF THIS EARTH!
Glad Damien Rice is on your playlists - knew he would be right up your street - Volcano, Blowers Daughther..... the mans a talent.
Posted by spo on 02/16 at 06:56 AM
Comment on I don’t do Spiders - anything but F**king Spiders…….