Hey Nature - WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!?! - King of the Monkey Butlers

December 19, 2005

Hey Nature - WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!?!

I’ve been away three years and now back in the house that raised me - until my place is finished next spring I am unashamedly taking advantage of the home comforts - the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, cups of tea and easy street living - I do my bit, pay my way and will do what ever task is asked - they get their son on call for a while - everyone’s happy - sure, I can’t outstay the welcome and it doesn’t look too good to prospective female companions to still be living with your parents - but it isn’t for long and for the here and now I’m a lucky boy.

So when I was asked to go up in the loft sort a bunch of stuff out and find a cat basket I was happy to help - I got the stairs out, lifted the roofing, pulled myself up and felt around for the light switch - then as the bulb flickered on and my eyes surveyed the area - just like corporal Hicks from Aliens as he uses his torch to peer into the roofing - I saw this FUCKING HUGE ALIEN EGG LOOKING FUCKING THING IN THE GOD DAMNED FUCKING CORNER!

I freaked “what the fuck is that?!? I have no concept of what the fuck that is - how could no one know this was fucking here? what the fuck lives in that? is it going to pulsate explode and evil little slimy creatures are going to take over the fucking house? what the fuck is that?”

It’s a big motherfucking wasp nest, that’s what that is.

I’m a good boy and I don’t curse in front of my mother - but certain circumstances demand and command the use of swear words and this was one of them:

There is a fucking wasp nest the size of a small fucking child in our fucking loft for fucks sake!
Yes that’s two years old now - stop swearing!
Two fucking years old! this has been here for two fucking years! nobody fucking told me! have you seen the fucking size of this fucking thing! it’s fucking massive! my room is fucking underneath that! you could fucking get inside that! fuck! fuck it’s a big wasp nest! are they fucking dead!? are you sure?! there isn’t anything in that fucking thing? Christ! it looks alive! Fuck!
STOP SWEARING!
This demands fucking swearing! that’s a fucking big wasp nest!
The council was going to remove it one summer but in the end it was better to just let them die - they don’t come back
How do you know that? what sense does it make to spend all summer building a wasp nest - a fucking big wasp nest I might add - and then all die out and never fucking return?
That’s nature for you - and stop swearing so much
Nature is Fucked up!

(when I have a situation where I think I can justifiably swear like a trooper in front of my mother then I really do squeeze the maximum out of it - there’s a little of Bart Simpson in all of us I feel)