Common-otion……

February 6, 2007

It’s common nature to have guards here - and weapons - Drew had an AK-47 in his place last time I was out in this part of the world - Basil Malila has chased robbers down his drive with a shot-gun, dressing gown flowing in the wind - Paul’s got a Walter Fucking PP-K in his place which he bought at the border with Mozambique and had to fire in anger as the invaders jumped back over the fence from whence they came - people living out of town with big houses and a bit of money all have stories to tell - it’s not South Africa and incidents are infrequent, but they are there - every once in a while.

Supposedly, when the gangs strike a house-hold, it’s usually out of town - money out in view evidenced by the cut off affluent surroundings - usually working from inside info given to them from staff as to what rich pickings are available - I remember an English chap out in Limbe telling me a tale of being barricaded in his kitchen having a gun battle while his house was ransacked and loaded onto a trailer - I figure the ferocious incidents are the exceptions - although, when you ask around, everyone has a little story to tell.

I pull in to the home around 7pm and dark had well set in - the outside main gate is pulled back and I drive in - as I come to a stop I see Common, the guard, hovering close by expectantly with arms behind his back - this usually means that there is something that needs to attended to in some way or form - change of days - advance of pay - somethings broken or a family member is ill with Malaria etc and money is required for treatment (like last week).

“boss I have left it at home - the key for guard room”
“Ok well we’ll see if we have a spare in the kitchen”

No joy

“Well maybe Beth (cook, head of house) knows where it is - i’ll ask her tomorrow”
“Ok boss”
“left at home” - doesn’t mean “lost” does it??”
“no - it’s at home - I see it there - but left it this time”
“right… so what’s in the guard room that you need? the torch?”
“yes - and panga”

Panga is a big-fuck-off great knife.

“So if people come what will you do?”
“If people come I maybe throw stones and pray to God”

Common doesn’t look confident when he says this.

“Right - OK well lets get you a knife from the kitchen then”

I get him the biggest Carving knife I can find - he seems reassured - big smile - it’s not a panga - but it’ll do I reckon.

I go back to getting out of the day just gone - long one on auction day Tuesday - followed with going to the store on the way back - women look at me there thinking I either live alone or I’m a really good family man that does the shopping - with a basket stacked with Castle Beer, pizza and Red wine I think it’s the former rather than the latter to be honest. I think about getting a shower, heating up the food that’s left out by Beth and stick on the I-pod through the speakers.

Then about 10 mins later there’s a tap at the window:

“boss two men are here - I press silent alarm”
“Eh? two men? where? inside the grounds?”
“not inside yet - they look over fence on the right”

Unlike all the other houses on this street I don’t have a neighbor to my right - it’s a maize field - means that there is more than the odd scare here apparently - people can lean over the fence and check out where the guards are, come in round the back or the front depending - although when Robin and his family were here there weren’t too many incidents - suppose that’s due to the fact that the house was full - noise - lights - more than a few pairs of eyes - now I’m here, I don’t get back till gone eight usually and I’m often out and about later on as well - not to mention totally absent at weekends - these comings and goings are always scouted - but then also so are the houses and the goods inside - and I live in a practically unfurnished place - got a chair and settee - TV and satellite and a bed along with what ever comes with the kitchen - that’s it - not really worth taking the risk for big stuff they couldn’t run off with - so I’ve never really worried.

Anyways - through the window Common explains that when he shouted they disappeared and ducked back down - but they may still be lurking about apparently, so he’s called the security.

That should be the end of the conversation - I should just go back to what I’m doing - worst comes to worst I’m locked in and there’s bars and padlocks all round the house - safest thing is to stay put obviously - stupidest thing is to get tooled up and then unlock the porch gate and go and have a look outside - which is what I did - reasoning being that I left the phone in the car and don’t have a land-line - I figured that if the most fucked up scenario did take place, then I’m pretty much helpless not being able to call anyone - so I decided to go get the phone after grabbing the next biggest knife in the kitchen after the one I’d already given to Common.

I couldn’t find my mobile in the car and remembered it must be in my trouser pocket back inside - Common was looking shifty - eyes darting around the place - I say to him:

“So the night you don’t have the guard room key - no torch and panga - is the night you see two guys looking to jump into the grounds?”
“Yes - I saw them there”
“Sure?”
“Sure”
“Sure-Sure?
“Yes boss - sure-sure”
“This happen often? people trying to come in here”
“Yes - Many times - it is the field - it is good for hiding - they can look over and see who is here and around”
“Fuck”
“They steal the taps and things around in the garden”
“Taps?”
“Yes - the taps outside - they take them when we are maybe go around the back place”
“not try and get into the house?”
“no - but maybe - if it is open some way - they quick - jump in and steal and go - back over that way” (points to maize field)

So then I realise the bizarreness of the situation - standing out in the drive, staring into the blackness of the field next door armed with kitchen knives to stop people stealing taps.

I look around and down at what I’m holding - I laugh and out loud I wonder to myself: “What the fuck am I doing out here? What the fuck am I doing with this? a fucking kitchen knife??” - Common looks at me and gives gruff laugh as well “Like Chuck Norris” he says - what on earth am I doing - like I’m going to use this in any way what so ever - Id-jot - I go back inside shaking my head and plan to cook some food and drink a bottle of wine.

Minutes later the private Security team turn up - full 30 mins or so after Common had pressed the button - they always remind me of the Romans running into that little house in “Life of Brian” - Lisa, girl who used to own the Millennium bar out near Chirimba and former girl friend at the time 6 years ago, she had a set-up like the one I have - press a silent alarm button and the 6 guys turn up in a little van and storm into the place - all dressed in black uniforms, holding weapons, wearing crash helmets with great big fuck off barking dogs going mental - we’d all be sitting around having a beer eating chicken off the Bar-B-Q - silent alarm would go off due to a malfunction - these 6 guys run in single file - look around - realise it’s a false alarm - and turn back to run out the way they just came in - used to happen about two or three times a week.

Common greeted the security folk like old friends - I had already suspected that Common kind of freaks out a lot and calls these guys out for no reason - this seemed to confirm it - never the less, they all go off running around the grounds with dogs in tow - then move on to the field next door - trampling crops and generally making a lot of noise - finding nothing as far as I could tell.

Before you know it, main leader looking type guy is back and smiling at me “thanks boss” he says and runs off back to his little security van - screech of tyres and they’re all gone again.

Thanks? for what?

Common looks happy.

“all better now boss”
“Was there anyone actually there?”
“don’t know - maybe - maybe...”
“Right”

Yeah, they were gone as soon as they saw I was on the case ready to get medieval on their ass.

Yeah right.