Eventually Everything….

October 13, 2005

Eventually I’m going to have to have the ”so I’m leaving on a jet plane” conversation – by then it will have been a great couple of months - I’ve begun to think that living here would be not such a bad thing as a result of the last month - although I think that also has something to do with working on my own the last 4 weeks - having the responsibility and drive to make a day of things instead of day dreaming about elsewhere other than here - that will change once Robin is back and I’m no longer the conductor of chaos.

Things were clear when we met, but I can already see she is going to be upset - it hangs in the air even now - that we will talk of ”what now?” - promises to stay in touch - that I will try to look after her financially like I did with Hanh and Debbie - that maybe one day I’ll come back here and we’ll hook up again - should she wait etc.... but I probably won’t ever come back any time soon - soon being within the next 10 years - so we’ll both sort of talk around what I think she wants and I perhaps could want - that she comes with me and we just go for it the way I could of done with Hanh - although Hanh had less chance of working than this does I think…. she’s waiting for me to talk, the same way Hanh waited and then Hanh decided it wasn’t going to happen, I wasn’t going to face it, so she went her own way….

We’re comfortable, there’s no unnecessary pressure or awkward silence - she’s cool enough without prompting - she drinks, dances and mixes and blends and yeah, it could work I guess - and if it didn’t, well there’s the trying that’s important - what is lost? - but really, in the end, it’s the kid - 6 years old, shy, apprehensive and reserved - she’s different with her mother of course - who she fiercely loves - perhaps that’s why so distant with me - I take her mother away from her and represent the same type of guy that dragged her off to Hamburg and Rio and then upset her so much after turning her life upside down - I made a conscious decision not to try and get too close here - I knew the time limit was ticking and that kids get attached - it hurts them more as they don’t understand the reasons “why” when everything must come to an end.

and a 6 year old Indonesian girl, a sweet heart with no English lingo and no friends and family other than her mother on the other side of the world… how does that work?

it doesn’t

maybe with time it might - a tutor - a year or two of turmoil .....

That I think about this scenario doesn’t mean the only reason it won’t happen is the kid - it’s that this is the reason that stands out the most I suppose - there are other things that tell me this isn’t quite the time to make a move so bold…

She is going to tell me she loves me - I can see it coming - I don’t mean to sound like I’m making arrogant assumptions here - it’s just that I don’t think you need to be told if someone loves you in order to know - I can see it coming like a faraway steam train on unchangeable tracks – the smoke above the tree’s - it’s been intense and there have been too many instances where conversations trail off, too many reminders of things I’ve said while wasted that’ve set her thinking, too many times she talks like this isn’t ending any time soon…

She got over my lack of conformity to the standard issue relationship rules and regulations:

“thou shalt call three times a day or thou does not care about me”

“thou dost not return phone call in evening, thou must be in the arms of another”

– in the end she’s comfortable with the way I go about communicating and she trusts me - she says she feels at ease - we don’t argue, but we talk when things aren’t cool.... she’d be right to expect – she’d be right to wonder – I mean what is it exactly that we’re missing here?

But as I say - more time and no kid, this coulda been something super serious I think – even with her daughter it would have been ok if I was staying – but I’m not - I’m leaving on the 27th and I won’t be coming back anytime soon - and in the end, I know she can’t come with me.

So when does it actually end up being the time? What marker do you pass? Like there is a check list and all the boxes have to be crossed before next steps are taken? - all these relationships ending because of circumstances - never anything that doesn’t work out between us, but perhaps due to something or other that never took place?

I dunno …

....anyways - make the last two weeks a good two weeks… and then when the time comes, take the hit and get on the plane I guess....

...touch down and consider who or why it is elsewhere that means I keep leaving all these places…

...and then there is a whole other conversation to have.