Curbs your enthusiasm somewhat…..

July 13, 2005

So yeah that situation is still cooking away - I’ve not written about it of late - probably because there isn’t much more to say on the matter - sort these things in your own mind - it’s fucked up and the only one that can really do anything about it is her in the end - we can’t talk much as such conversations have to be clandestine with her current scenario - I think I accept that its not going to happen between us - that brings a finality to the situation and then you move on to thinking how to help her if she needs it - I know instances such as the car might suggest I don’t give a shit - but I do…

....brings up a lot of thoughts about other past relationships and women in my life - the bigger picture - where I’m going after this place - when the next stage kicks in - settling one day - I’d almost settled in Vietnam, maybe one more year or so… if I hadn’t left in December things would of been very different right now - but followed the career path in the end did I - if I hadn’t, maybe I wouldn’t be writing again - as with this site that’s what I’ve been able to do - for the first time in a year and a half - write everyday - love writing - think it comes from having my mind kick started by the things taking place outside of work, rather than in Nam where everything was about the work....

....I think I work towards getting back to Malawi one day - running the tea office, selling the good stuff (the tea doofus, not Malawi gold marijuana), travelling to the Narnia-like plantations in Mulanje and Thyolo, even go back to Moz - but this time in control of my own destiny - on the side get a bar by the lake, red ripped sunsets and hammocks..... Finlay Quayes even after all playing away in the background… daydreaming about being teenwolf occaisonal monkey comes down from a tree......les seige estee dans le arbre....steals a beer… that’s ok.... he’ll learn....beer is not for monkeys..... funny watching them learn that lesson though....hmmm I’m drifting here…

...I don’t really believe in what I’m doing here in Jakarta to be honest - important to have a job you care about - if you can be lucky enough to do so - in Vietnam I gave a shit about the tea industry and we built a business and started up trade in uncharted territory for buyers and producers alike - you’d go to work swinging and hit home runs - you’d see the effect of things taking off for the first time - meet people who also wanted to work with you to build better things - Quan Chu was a place were you saw that selling their tea meant that you helped more than a bank balance for example - but yeah in truth I liked going up there to drink whisky and wine with Mr.Luan - every day was unpredictable in both good and bad ways - snakes in the office one time - that’s a different post.....

Here the industry is more stagnant - stifled by jobsworths - the bureaucracy rampant - the tea average - the producers and sellers uninspired - arrogant in so far as its your job to sell their tea, not their job to persuade you to buy it - its all been tried before - its all been worked to the place you thought of - its all been blended in a hundred different ways - not quite cheap enough to be interesting, but too expensive against the quality and price available from elsewhere - sure the products got its mainstays and ever ready homes - bought privately and in the auction - but those paths are set - you aren’t changing anything here, every new idea sinks to the bottom of the ocean with samples, emails and phone calls clawing at possible new avenues of opportunity - in the end falling on apathetic pallets, blind eyes and deaf ears.

Curbs your enthusiasm somewhat.

“Buy it please” - you beg -
“why?" -
“I need to fill up my day” -
“would you buy it?” -
“erm.... no” -
“exactly