Blackout…

September 3, 2005

As so often is the case my drunken hazy version of events differs from what actually happened somewhat - crux of it is that I can be handful when truly intoxicated - my fuel apparently was not solely whisky based - an empty vodka bottle was found at the scene - an attempt to make the Spo White Russian was also evident due to spillage (3 shots of vodka, 1 shot of Baileys and ice & milk if room).

My memory still has not returned and I have a good 12 hours missing from my databank - during that 12 hours I seem to have gone on a rant about more or less everything, blazing row, driven home (!), trousers in the kitchen, shoes in the bath, turned heating up instead of down, managed to end up with I-pod in a glass of water. What.The.Fuck?

From the evidence of my apartment I must of been actively doing various things when I got back - none of them coherent (there is evidence of attempted cooking as well) - but no memory of it all.

Scary.

I told Anna of events and she quite rightly scalded me for such foolish endeavours:

* Drinking a bottle of whisky will turn you into a ranting fool, not to mention possibly kill you through alcohol poisoning

* Driving in this state is v. v. bad indeed – I would be seriously pissed off if you did yourself any damage

* You always break or lose things when you’re drunk

* Most things are best left unsaid, even when steaming

* Just remember soon we’ll have the trip to devon and your proper friends in a proper country

As ever, she is on the money.

I don’t think on the whole that I drink too much - this was a one off - it got out of hand - a blackout evening - but then I look through my posts and Whisky does play a regular part - and the other day (Wednesday) I drove home from the gym and considered turning around and going back to the supermarket as I remembered I didn’t have any whisky at home - I quickly realised that is not a good way to be thinking however and carried on.

I suppose the thing that worries me the most is how out of control things get - I would like to describe myself as one of the more decent and straight thinking people on the planet - I’m very far away from being a saint and a genius - but I’m not in bed with the devil or retarded either - yet I do very stupid things under the influence of far more than I should of drunk (an obvious statement too true to many in the world I know) - it’s like if I sit down and start a bottle the logical end to the evening is that it is empty.

The whole time I’m imagining myself akin to Homer in that episode when he gets wasted at the Flanders party - his memory is of him sipping a Martini, regaling the crowds with witty insightful anecdotes and observations like Winston Churchill - when what actually happened was he stared down Maude’s top, drooled a lot, danced like a fool, irritated everyone (apart from good ol Barney) and then passed out.

I suppose I haven’t been as truly wasted as I was on Thursday night since the time I crashed the car - and after that happened I calmed down a lot - looking through the posts I can see a trend however - Whisky does make a number of appearances. I don’t think it is a problem - it would be a problem if I had actually turned around to go back and buy some whisky for a simple wednesday night at home - but I didn’t.

I’m thinking there are big flashing signs to show you might have a drinking problem - you spend all your money on booze, you wake up and drink, you think about the next time you can have a drink all the time, you see everything else in your life fall apart and you look like Nicolas Cage.

But back in my younger days when I had a more than casual interest in Colombian marching powder, it needed Anna to take me to one side and point out how my personality had changed and how fucked up things were getting - and then I calmed down and after a while realised she was completely right - I was being an asshole and I never noticed.

I don’t think it is hard for me to break a vice like habit - I stopped drinking beer and smoking cigarettes without any hassle recently - I stopped smoking marijuana as I didn’t enjoy it anymore - I stopped doing coke as it fucked me up health wise and turned me into a shithead (although I do really really like it) - however actually spotting things are becoming a problem has never been my forte’ - it usually is someone else that points it out.

So Thursday night may have been a one off - but if it happens again anytime soon then I hope I see a big flashing sign telling me to sort myself out when I wake up - because after talking to Robin and seeing the evidence I realise Thursday was a bit of a blackout - not just from memory but from the person who I’d like to believe I am.

Spo | September 3, 2005