Another Line Drawn…..

February 16, 2007

Have to be honest and say I don’t feel too good about myself this morning - had a night out yesterday which was one of those evenings where you walk in a place and everyone I saw had not been before me for the last 7 years - the likes of Artist Dave, High pitch Kerry and fly-boy Steve, shit talking Ahmed Bapu and of course Debbie.

She’s still got it but there’s deep, deep sadness in her eyes - every story is one of hardship and all around are passing away - every date they left she remembers - latest being her sister aged 19 - she had been saying that she’d held on to the idea of me coming back one day and carrying on as we were from when I left 7 years ago - I mean I was 22 going on 23 and the first time out the country - fall in with a beautiful girl and it was all about wide eyed wonder and kumwa ndi Kovina (Drinking and Dancing).

I was never going to come back the way she wanted - I think she genuinely held on to the hope that it would all be ok and I ride to the rescue - crazy phone calls and letters aside I’d not seen her for about 7 years - last contact was really when I left for Vietnam back in 2003 and she couldn’t track me down again.

She says she was.... is.... in love - but I think that’s in love with the idea of a better life and that’s what I represented - I mean I was a nice guy to her for those 5 or 6 weeks - and it doesn’t seem like many guys have been too good to her over the last 6 years or so - South African guy knocked her about, near marriage fell through, attacked by three guys one night.... like I said she has all these stories and none of them have happy endings… but she didn’t know jack about me really - you can’t be in love after 5 weeks of just drinking, dancing, sex and smoking Mari-jo - there has to be at least one deep and meaningful conversation somewhere along the line and I don’t remember one ever taking place.

She says there was - in fact it is worrying how much she accurately remembers - reels off quotes, places and dates.

In the end I was lost in catching up with folk over the course of the evening, the drinks flowed and then I didn’t notice as people drifted off home - Ahmed and his cousin wanted to carry on and we agreed to meet at a place - upon arrival doors where shut, Ahmed was nowhere to be seen and then it’s Debbie and I just past 12 - so she stayed at my place and talked long into the night - I felt obliged to listen in a way - seemed like she had a lot to say.

In amongst the tales of woe there were some unsettling indications she isn’t all there - I mean, life she’s had, stuff she’s been through, it’s understandable to be a little off centre - but the fights with people, boy friends houses she’s trashed, situations she has got herself into - slips in tales that indicate she’s not a person to have on your bad side because when it comes down to it, she really doesn’t give a fuck if she feels someone has done her wrong - I was treading carefully, I tell you that.

So I listened until around 2am and tried to go to bed.

That became an issue right there - spare room and mattress wasn’t really on her agenda - guilt tripping became the state of play - tears and tantrums.

Should never of sent her a msg that Friday night - Drunk me really has a lot to answer for.

Fuck I feel bad.

Least it’s done now - another line drawn - she said in the end it would of been better never to have met up again - that’s true - I really regret it - but from her side at least she now knows she should just move on, stop thinking about the possibilities all the time, reality check - she thought I’d been feeling angry all these years and that I’d been “in love” with her as much as her with me back then - when the truth of the matter was she was creating these scenario’s in her head and letting her thoughts run away with her - remembering all these little inconsequential details from when I was still more or less a kid in the world.

She said that not knowing for sure and hoping I would come back was at least a bright part of her day - even if it wasn’t ever going to happen - no need to take it away.

Don’t really know how to argue with that when everything else around her seems to be falling apart.

She said she would go back to Luchenza and gather her things and just disappear somewhere - talked of a guy in Uganda that stays in touch and wants to see her again.

I dropped her off this morning - traffic behind me didn’t really allow much time other than to say “look after yourself” and shake hands - she was expecting a lot more.

Spo | February 16, 2007