And all you see is where else you no longer want to be…..

February 14, 2007

And all you see is where else you no longer want to be…..

It’s always been the way that where ever I’ve ended up, I’ve always been looking off ahead at the next place on the horizon - even in Vietnam, a place I look back on with fond memories that provide a hundred stories, I was looking at the next time I’d get back to UK or where I’d be in two to three years time - everywhere I’ve been lucky enough to happen upon since leaving Malawi in 2000, I’ve always been looking round the corner - instead of around at where I was actually standing right at that moment in time.

Wanderlust I guess - never really settled anywhere - had my moments - Saturday afternoons in bed with Hanh certainly felt like home - may have had more of those moments if I hadn’t been staring off into the distance - seems like what you really want is right there in front of you and you don’t see it at all - it just isn’t in your field of vision until you look back on it.

And all you see is where else you could be.

I have the msgnr running in the background first thing in the morning - she comes on line every other day and we talk when tea allows and the time difference window is still open - there’s the usual banter, the reminiscing.... leads to things getting heated in a good way.... and then there’s cooling off with talk of work (she works for my company in Vietnam now) and her day to day with the baby - I don’t really ask too much about married life and she never really asks about my situation with whom where-ever..... until the other day when I tried to casually drop in the details about the girl in Indonesia.

She says I never mentioned before, I pleaded ignorance, that I thought I must of alluded somewhere along the line - but I knew I’d never told her I moved on - her situation is that an arranged marriage mapped out the rest of her life before I could take a breath - breathe in - she’s married and a baby is on the way - breathe out.

I mean talk throughout time since then has always been about the day in the future when I would visit - clandestine meetings along the lines of Saturdays in the second floor bedroom of No.19 on 20 - playing along that in the end the situation will be as clear as Lake Nyasa waters - she gets a passport - grabs the kid and next flight to where ever - I meet them at the airport and we all go off together in a new direction - I mean I never honestly thought that would be the case - it’s easy to say and you can see it all playing out in your head like a movie - but the details...... don’t know how the details arrange themselves… they don’t really.

Monday I found that it turns out she thought the same - that it’s ok to play along and talk the talk - imagine it working out like a movie script - gloss over the details the way Hollywood script writers suspend your disbelief by moving things along as quickly and smoothly as possible in order so that you don’t take a step back and say “wait a minute...... she’s a good shot for someone who’s never fired a gun before and how’s he know how to fly a jet plane if he’s from another planet?” - except here it’s “yeah, you’ll just get a divorce, we’ll sort out a visa, I’ll meet you at the airport and then your son will grow up where ever we are and the colonel type arranged marriage husband fellow will just be cool with it all, your family won’t disown you, we’ll find you a job that needs a Vietnamese translator and we’ll all live happily ever after” - but yeah, in reality she never really thought it was all possible either.

So it kicked in on Monday morning and in-depth discussions about the monogamy, faithfulness, love, sex, marriage, lust, denial and different cultures took place - although when ever have such discussions been anything other than in-depth? - it all ended with her telling me to grow up, get married, have kids and be happy with someone else.

All of which I understand and appreciate - all of which I understood was necessary a long time ago - all of which I’ve seriously thought about when it comes to Yuni in Indonesia and other near-miss almost-relationships with girls you meet where sparks fly but time and circumstance are against you - but I think that I’ve always avoided getting this deep on such matters with her as I held on to the far away thought that Hanoi Saturdays in the second floor bedroom of No.19 on 20 would some day be a possibility again - that I knew it wasn’t really possible doesn’t mean I wanted to read the words saying as such - more comforting to play along I suppose.

Truth of the matter is that despite those Saturday afternoons and the times I raise a toast and tell myself I should of married that girl, I was always still looking around the corner none the less.

We both signed off and the day takes you - later I reflected after the event and it feels good to finally draw a line under the whole relationship - especially now I’ve come back to the country I’m never looking beyond the horizon of.

Now I’m back here it all just feels like journeys end and the beginning of the rest of my days....

I’m supposed to fly back to Holland June 28th - two days after turning 30 - and for once I keep trying to forget I’m leaving a place rather than staring at the X marked on the calender that indicates departure.

More on that a different time.

Today I just raise a toast to No.19 on 20.