King of the Monkey Butlers

August 7, 2007

Absinthe makes the heart grow wronger……

Never have I been so sick, so much in such a short space of time - Absinthe is now a mortal foe far more feared than any other potent alcoholic shot of death - I thought the Flaming Lamborghini was bad (rum/tequila/sambuca/amarula - on fire and via a straw in all of 4 seconds) but Absinthe takes the full packet of biscuits now - and it tastes as bad as it is potent as well - an asinine acidic punch to the throat - it’s said to be 82% proof and hallucinogenic - I was seeing stars.

After the second shot no one from the group of five partaking can remember anything else from the evening - collective memory loss all round - only Anna could piece together events - wasted though she was it was still her job to try and look after me - I was in a mess you see - no food all day unless you count a piece of bread for a flyby brekkie and a few calamari rings in the bar - I arrived late thanks to Eurostar and tried to make up for lost drinking time in the only way I know how - order doubles and drink them quickly.

Absinthe arrived soon after - a bravado drink if ever there was one - from reading up on it you’re supposed to dilute with water or mix with sugar - something to do with flames etc - that makes it more palatable - it’s not best to just down the hatch - which is what we did.

Faces of Anguished horror abounded - safe to say nobody was really expecting the evil now within us - a cooling off period was padded out with Tequila, Sambuca and everyone’s usual’s like my double JD’s and coke - eventually some Moonbat bought another round of Absinthe though - the same faces gathered - certainly a little more reluctantly than last time - glasses chinked - down in one.

Not quite

This time I coughed as it went down - and we all know what happens when you cough while drinking - it comes back out through your nose - that was a deep burn I tell you - Nasal passages awash with Absinthe - the horror - the burn - I’d not felt this bad since the Indonesian wasabi incident when I found out that the big glob of green stuff I’d just wolfed was not some form of strange freaky butter.

To make matters worse the absinthe runs out of my nose and back into my mouth - like doing the same shot twice in all of a few seconds - not good.

When things like that happen to you, the best thing to do is take a minute and compose yourself and then ease off the gas and get some water inside you before things go too far into the world of the wrong - too late - the body would normally have begun to take automatic precautions against further damage by implementing the vomit programme - expel the evil - but the body was still reeling from the whole absinthe out the nose incident and was not sure what the fuck had just happened - this allowed the moonbat in me to take over and pour more fuel on the fire in the form of the usual alcoholic riders of the blackout apocalypse - Sambuca, Tequila and Vodka - when the body got its bearings back, the effect was instantaneous - STOP! It’s Chin Loss Time!

One minute you’re having a conversation - well, attempting one anyway - and the next you’ve got a mouth full of sick - bit shoots out the corner of your mouth - but for the most part you’re about as golden as you can get in such a situation - exit stage right and get your monkey ass to a porcelin god - start praying.

Luckily the bar staff didn’t see - I have a snapshot recollection of this event - couple of images - nothing more - Anna was the witness - I didn’t feel proud as she regaled the tale - but she assured me there was worse to come.

There was.

Once the cacophony of gibbons making up our group had been removed from the bar, we attempted taxi hailing and after a lot of lucking out managed to persuade one foolish individual that we were worth a shot at the title - must of been a slow night and he needed to up the takings, so ended up risking it.

Bad move.

Apparently I opened the door of the taxi as it slowed - hurled like a champion - and then followed the vomit right out the cab door - landed in my own sick - bust my knee and rolled into the path of oncoming traffic.

Saved from death I was, but taxi driver had seen enough and a compromise of dropping us in clapham at Georges was reached instead.

I imagine it was probably this point at which I was nothing more than a liability to my friends and in particular Anna, whose house in Kingston we were heading back to at the time - there’s a few times I can pick out during all the time I’ve known her (19 years) where she would probably of been considering the continuation of our friendship - one is when I was so far gone on Tequila that I upchucked over her net curtains in Bournemouth before trying to bite people who tried to assist me - another is when I lost track of time having a hangover breakfast with Coops up in Edinburgh and, because Anna is a true friend and didn’t want to leave without me, consequently made us all miss our flight back to London which was then followed by an Easyjet classic 15 hour delay - 15 hours - you can’t ever say sorry enough for that - there’s nothing you can do or say that’s going to alter the fact that the reason everyone is sitting in a departure lounge for 15 hours is the fact you, and you alone, are a massive idiot of galactic proportions.

I think this particular Absinthe Friday may now be added to the list.

Especially when they managed to get me into the house and I threw up all over Georges floor - the deluge of which Anna stemmed with one G’s saucepans.

I was put to bed - fell out of bed - made new bed out of Dave Jenkins washing on the floor - people tried to put me back in the bed - I tried to bite them - eventually I was overpowered and passed out.

Next morning I awoke to find Bear lying next to me in a bed and room I did not recognise - I quickly realised that I had no idea about how I had got here or what had happened from around midnight onwards - nor whose T-shirt it was I was now wearing.

Minds were more or less blank when it came to fellow Absinners Bear, G and Lockey (who had thought his car had been stolen so drunkenly argued with police until they established it had in fact been towed - was going to cost him 260 quid - and was now in Milwall) - I had no idea what happened to Barnes whose birthday it was - he must of been lost in the ether.

Absintheless Anna explained what had gone on - none of it good basically.

My knee was in the first stages of swelling to balloon proportions and my head felt like brass band playing mice on amphetamines had infiltrated my brain - and I smelled pretty bad - good night then.

Perhaps Anna decided it’s too late to change the friends you have for life and so therefore is still speaking to me.

Absinthe makes the heart go wronger - never ever, ever again.

Sorry Anna - I will indeed make it up to you one day. Promise.

Spo | August 7, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion

August 2, 2007

Kill it! Kill it! Die! Die!

text rcvd around 6pm: “I have a MAHUSIVE spider in the kitchen and I’m laughing coz I know you’d be saying “Oh Fuck Me! he’s a big one, no! use a proper shoe not a flip-flop, Kill it! Kill it! Die! Die!” and other equally stupid things whilst dancing about like a muppet..... awwww… x”

She doesn’t appreciate how bad my arachnaphobia actually is...............

and that Spiders have eight legs and eight eyes....

FUCKING EIGHT OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!

August 1, 2007

Sitting on the dock of the Bay…..

The American Millionaire (JT Walsh) sat on the docks next to the Mexican fisherman (Cheech Marin) as he tied his nets....

What’ll you do now?
Well I’ll tie up things here on the boat – take my catch to market – go home early afternoon and play with my kids – enjoy my wife’s cooking

Nah, Nah, Nah – you don’t want to do that – you want to work the rest of the morning – catch more fish and spend the whole afternoon in the market and let your wife take care of the kids.... tell me my twirly mustached munchachou - what else you do with your day?
Well after my wife and I eat, I go to the bar play guitar and drink Tequila with my friends
Nah Nah Nah – you don’t want to do that – you want to go jogging – do some exercise get to bed early – alcohol is really bad for you – your friends are holding you back
Really?
Yeah – look here’s what you should be doing Ok? You make enough money at the market to hire another guy to run the stall – then you get back in that boat and do some more fishing for the whole of the day instead of only the morning
Uh-huh
Yeah then when you double your loads for the day you save up enough to buy another boat and hire another guy to go fish using it – take the catch to the market – pay him a wage

Oh really
Yeah and then you work towards getting a whole bunch of boats – all working for you – and all bringing the catch to the market – but there aint enough room anymore
There isn’t ?
Nah – so you gotta own the market – buy all the stalls
All of them?
Yeah and then you start getting refrigerated vans to run around – sell home delivery – start supplying fishmongers within the drive range – get all the ordering set up on the internet
Uh-huh – what’ll happen then?

Well then you start selling to super markets across Mexico
And then?
Then you go international – selling to the big U S of A,‘cross the pond
And then?
Well by then your company is running the show as far as Mexican fish goes – you got the boats, the markets, the vans, the supermarkets and the international name building a reputation – so you put that company in the big leagues – stocks and shares
Well then what?
Well then you sell my little slightly toasted Mexican friend – you sell all the shares and walk away with a fortune

Uh-huh – sounds like a lot of work – guess I’ll be pretty tired by the end of it all – what happens once the company is sold?
Well my little burrito chomping compadre, then you can do a bit of fishing, spend some time playing with your kids, put them to bed, eat a good meal with your wife, maybe get that guitar of yours and go play some tunes down at the bar, drinking tequila with your friends……

Spo | August 1, 2007 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni | Personal

May 8, 2007

Maury Finkle, Finkles Fixtures and Fittings….. do it…. do it….

ahhhhh… it’s too well read here sometimes to say what is actually going on behind the scenes of all the tea drinks and Gecko dreams.....

Anyways - the last couple of weeks the pace of life has stepped up a notch - which is not suited to Malawi style pa-ng’ono pa-ng’ono (slowly-slowly)

Where to start??

Well Friday nights adventures took place in Blantyre rather than the usual Lakeside setting due to being asked by Aubrey of Twigga lounge to play the role of DJ (ie: man with Computer and ability to select decent music in the right order and make people dance) on the following Saturday. Saturdays gig could of done with better promotion (rival bar ripped down hastily arranged posters), better acoustics (speakers arranged by a mongoloid, tin roof, poor treble feedback on system) and no door fee (everyone spent their money on the hectic Friday night previous that I had originally asked to play instead) - but all in all it went cool as it could - 40 to 50 people dancing till 3am and smiling faces abounding.

Apart from the bit when a giant fat girl tried to kill/eat a slimy little bald headed Indian dude and made all the stunning Danish women stop shaking their asses and run back to their seats in the corner.

Friday night was the one though - I headed to locals club in town called Tuska which is run by friends Sanjay and Lorenzo - they’ve had a refurbishment of late and the place actually looks like a club now, rather than a cave with some speakers in it as it did before - one of the additions to the place is Sanjays Cocktail Bar of Death - named now by myself due to the Kryptonite juice poured down my throat in the form of possibly one of most potent alcoholic concoctions know to man - The Flaming Lamborghini Turbo Shooter:

This is the reason my evening cannot be recalled in full due to the fact that as a result of it’s powers I am now missing around 4 hours of my life and had a serious Coyote Ugly moment when I awoke the next morning.

At this point I should mention that my most feared enemies in the alcoholic world are:

• Sambuca - (after an unfortunate upchuck incident meaning no kissing the living-down-the-road-from-me-for-the-last-10-years never pulled before gorgeous girl goodbye at leaving party back in 2005).
• Tequila - (after an unfortunate Sambuca/Tequila idiot barman shot mix up with Lockey in a London club back in 2006 - he was trying to set fire to Tequila one side while I was necking a Sambuca/Salt/lemon combo that led to yet another upchuck incident once again).
• Rum - (because it’s Rum and therefore it’s fucking disgusting).

Unbeknown to me at the time, these black riders of the alcoholic apocalypse made up three of the four ingredients in this little short, sharp, shock of concentrated evil known as the Flaming Lamborghini Turbo - therefore, this particular shooter is like an Alcoholic version of Arachnophobia for me, as the drink is made up as follows:

• Starts with a glass containing 1 x shot of Stro 80 Rum which is then set on fire - (because when doing something stupid like drinking one of these, it makes warped sense to add fire to an already dangerous concoction of alcohol - sort of like someone came up with the recipe and then said “Fuck it, for all the sense this makes, it may as well be on fucking fire”.....)
• .....Anyways - Being quick with a straw, you dive in and drain the first shot of rum before the straw melts and.....
• .....as the rum disappears, the barman adds a shot of Sambuca, which you cane in the same breath, continuing…
• .....as the Sambuca disappears with a shot of Tequila poured the same way which is then....
• ..... followed by a shot of Amarula (African style Baileys type liqor) to top it all off - all down at the same time
•...... Also be careful not to get too close to the flames (as my singed eyebrows will testify)

I had 3 or 4 of these in reasonably quick succession, which is why I can’t really tell you much more about the evening apart from the fact that after hitting the cold night air at around 4am, I violently projectile vomited all over the place behind my car in the style of that little girl from the Exorcist.

And John told me that bit.

He said it was a really fine moment - I just sort of barked & barfed it all out and then went about as though nothing had happened.

It was a good night apparently.

Talking of the cold night air the weather here has gone British - it’s more than a bit nippy out it has to be said - and when packing for Africa back in January, I didn’t exactly stock up on jumpers and jackets - now everyones got a cold and the locals look like they’re all going on a skiing trip - for the British of course it’s mild, but the nights drop down to about 15-19c which can be a bit parky when you sitting around in shorts and T-shirt. I’m going to have to get me a thicker blanket than a bed sheet me thinks - or spend more time at the lake which never really gets cold at all.

In other news there has thankfully been no further recriminations from the incident of the Legend of Moonbat Morning - if anything the police (who I’m now on first name/face recognition terms with) have been far more friendlier - waving me through the frequent road blocks that hold up Limbe traffic all day - seems like I have bought a little more than freedom for my money.

Yuni having her problems in Jakarta and says it seems like all matters in life are against her and the world spins in exactly the opposite direction she needs it to - that city can really get on top of you sometimes and she sure sounds like she’s had enough - feels lost and alone and no idea what to do next - what else can I say other than she’s got me and I’m waiting with Beach bars, hammocks & sunsets at the end of the year? - she’s now asking more questions about how we get Visa’s, organise plane tickets along with thinking about how her family can access Western Union that side - so, seems like she is more likely to come than not when the big move is made come 2008ish time - I love it when a plan comes together.

Phone calls from head office asking if I can come back early and questioning further as to why I want to delay my transfer from UK books to those of the Dutch - I lied like a politician and deflected all queries with bureaucratically bullshitting excellence - I’m here till 28th June and there’s no way I’m leaving any earlier than I have to - seems like things over in Holland are getting hectic with new people needing training and too many of the old guard leaving unexpectedly - that as I have the experience to train, I could take the heat off a bit - but parallel to that they are also making murmurs about the moving of the books and the marrying of UK wage and Holland wage with UK living costs and Holland living costs - which spells out SALARY REDUCTION in my mind - which is cool as that gives me the perfect out when time comes to sit down and tell them I’m jacking it all in for lakeside living and a beach bar existence.

And that there’s no changing my mind as I’ve already got the tattoo.

Right - more planning of the weekend Gecko playlist of perfection - there’s 15 Danish women coming our way along with a crew of others - and if they all look like the 5 that were dancing in front of the decks at Twigga on Saturday night then it truly will be an evening to remember.

As long as I don’t have any more Flaming Fucking Lamborghini Fucking Turbo’s.

April 11, 2007

A DUCK walks into a bar……

........and asks the barman: “Do you have bread?”

Barman: “No.”

Duck: “Any bread?”

Barman: “No bread at all.”

Duck: “No bread then?”

Barman: “No! We’ve got no bread.”

Duck: “Not even any old bread?”

Barman: “Are you stupid or what? We have NO bread. If you ask me again I’m going to nail your f***ing beak to the bar counter.”

Duck: “Do you have nails?”

Barman: “NO!”

Duck: “And bread?”

Spo | April 11, 2007 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion

April 1, 2007

Morning Moonbat Boy…..where’s your brain gone?

The Saturday dawn breaking outside as another night at Tuska headed for close - myself and Lauren worse for “where the fuck are we” as we journeyed back round from the dark side of the moon - then a friend longtime unseen with my eyes put a green tablet in each of our palms and said “Take these as gifts - good to see you again - enjoy” - he’d been buying the drinks the best part of the night, so who are we to refuse more hospitality?

Fools.

Down the hatch what ever they may be, along with another shot of whiskey to see them on their merry way.

Then I had the good sense to say “we need to get to where ever we are going to be before what ever we’ve just taken kicks our heads to Mars - reckon we got 30 minutes”

We gathered John from the dance-floor and headed for home.

Too late.

Came up like a motherfucker slap bang in the middle of the morning traffic.

First time in 7 years or so - can’t ever remember a stronger wave of “Ohfuckmewhere’smyheadjustfuckinggone” - there’s a time and a place for such long returns to such states of mind - and 6am traffic definitely doesn’t fit the bill

Chaos reigned for a time before I managed to pull over and let John drive - luckily not a recipient of the same “gift” my old achemwene had handed us not 15 minutes before.

In both senses of the phrase I span out the door to crash in the back seat, as I did I turned into my alter-ego “Moonbat Boy”.

Spent the rest of the morning looking pretty damn surprised by life in general and responding to conversations about 40 minutes too late - kind of situation where the majority of what is said to you is along the lines of “what the fuck on earth are you talking about?”

Bedroom activities also suffered on an account of forgetting what the bejesus it was I was supposed to be doing.

Don’t really think I got my shit together for about 24 hours to be honest.

All in another days work for Moonbat boy - hopefully his reign of confused chaos will remain consigned to what ever world he comes from for ever more......

...As Lord knows the next time that good friend of mine hands me a little green gift at 6am I’ll politely decline, no matter how far round the dark side of the moon I maybe.

September 28, 2006

Maybe… just maybe………

One of the strangest times I ever had was when she hadn’t called for a while and I had decided to leave it - but then time ticked by and I thought about just going out and getting on with my weekend - but if she called......

.....so I picked up the phone to dial and a familiar voice said “hello” straight off the bat - she was already on the other end - I had yet to touch a number - she had called at exactly the same time - didn’t even hear one ring - freaky as an aluminous midget in a clown mask.

I don’t think I’m the only person in the world that has loved and lost and never seen the girl again - I don’t think I’m alone in getting a few years down the line and thinking “I wonder what happened to her” - the girl in question really had my head in a spin back then - Kirtsy

I told her I loved her when I was way too stoned at the train station that time and then I think that was more or less the end of it all - saw someone walk past the other day and for a second thought it was her - got me thinking.....

So I end up typing a name into google and seeing what comes up - this is curiosity, not being a stalker I tell myself - she always wanted to travel so maybe she appears running a bar off the beaten track in India or bunjee jumping off bridges in Australia like we talked about after parachuting or maybe even down the road living in Amsterdam seeing as she loved that good old green so much.....

So I only get 3 possibly different hits and I eliminated two of them based on age and area leaving me with one possibility - click the link and it is a list of specialist agents working for travel to Tasmania hmmmm..... someone of the exactly the same name works the Exmouth branch - fuck - more than likely could be her - she always wanted to travel to the part of the world where Tasmania resides and Exmouth isn’t too far off from the surf places in Devon she used to go down to…

Now the real flat out twilight zone higher power at work moment comes when my eye catches who works at the Thomas Cook Retail Ltd Belfast branch.

I do apparently.

Although I don’t.

But another me does.

Just as I did back on the day after that freaky phone call, if I was still a stoner I’d totally be eulogising about how this is one of those glitches in the system -one of those hidden signposts of destiny - the higher powers that be dropping the ball for a second and accidentally giving the game away about how there’s a plan for everyone - it’s all laid out - you just have to trip the right switches read the signs and follow your instincts..

and you end up where you are supposed to be with whom you are supposed to be with.

But I’m not a stoner anymore - so I just put it down to blind coincidence and move on with my day.

Maybe I should start smoking mari-jo again.

September 26, 2006

Isn’t that Winston?…..

Channel Flicking the other day I came across one of my all time top ten B-movies No Escape starring one of my all time top ten B-movie actors Ray Liotta - good old pasty moon faced sweat ball Liotta - so fucking outstanding as Henry Hill in Goodfella's and then never quite got back up to that kind of level but made a living off the quick to temper psycho/cop schtick in flicks like Unlawful Entry, Turbulence, Hannibal, Narc and erm.... Opertaion Dumbo Drop.

So Liotta has a problem with authority, blows away his psycho army colonel for moral reasons of righteousness and ends up in a privately run maximum security prison doing life - yet this place cannot hold the angry ball of sweat that is Ray Liotta - no one tells him what to do - plus he's sarcastic and scary - so he gets dumped on a remote island where all the worlds most hardened criminals are secretly sent and left to riot and rot, indulging in Lord of the Flies type good vs evil shenanigans.

You've got the cannibalistic forest folk called the outsiders, who seem to have regressed back to the Neanderthal age and jump around making monkey noises and biting each other - that is until angry yet witty resident bad guy from Lethal Weapon 3 leader bean shoots a few of them while cracking a few jokes and tells them to behave - and you've got the actually quite nice and humorously clever passive folk who knit clothing, keep a farm and have an Ewok village type scenario run by Bishop from Aliens whom they all call "the Father".

Winston from Ghostbusters seems to have ended up there - Inspector Wycliffe off old Sunday Telly is there too - and so has a post platoon pre-punished by drugs and drink Kevin Dillon, who at the time seemed to think that being a sort of mirror-yet-mongoloid version of brother Matt will win him stardom - It didn't - Although I'll always remember him for that famous quote from Platoon "Holy shit, d'you see that fuckin' head come apart, man? "

And along with the above there's a midget.

Yes that's right a midget.

First you have a maximum security prison that is a last resort for criminals society just can't control - then when that maximum security prison can't handle them, they get chucked out a helicopter onto the island of no return - we're talking serious bad ass mother fuckers here surely? We're talking double figure serial killers and baby eaters that can't be reasoned with right? and they've got a fucking midget on the island? Winston from Ghostbusters I can almost believe, as he's a big fucker by the time they filmed this - you wouldn't fuck with Winston - and maybe Wycliffe because he says he built huge terrorist bombs for money so, Ok, he got his just rewards- but the fucking midget?

What the fuck could that midget of done to get on the worlds worst list?

Maybe he was one of the Little Cigars. maybe he broke into a zoo and butt-humped a chimp to death.... maybe he was a horny elf that went too far at the pantomime... maybe he stole a kids toy tractor and demolished a model viallge..... who knows...

September 8, 2006

Get A Real March On…..

I’d woken at around 7am and promised myself 10 mins to just lie there, close my eyes and think about the beginning of the day ahead - just 10 mins more to sort of visualise the next hour, getting ready for work - brush teeth, long shower, decent proper shave, unload and hang the washing, iron a shirt, shine the shoes, check the email, make up a decent breakfast - some cereal, toast and eggs to be munched while watching the news over a cup of tea - water the plant, clean up cutlery, click on the I-pod and lock the door on the way out while taking out the trash - leisurely stroll to work.

Sounded good. All boxes ticked. Smile.

Woke again at 7.55am.......

checked that time again........

Motherfucker

Teeth get a once-over and I follow it with a 3 minute cold shower - check the mirror and run a brush through bed head barnet once to no avail - decide the just-woke-up look will have to do and hope yesterday’s 5pm shadow doesn’t develop into just plain tramp-assed-scruffy over the day to come - washing can stew in it’s juices and I’ll spin it again later - pick out shirt that looks the least dragged-through-a-bush-backwards from the perennial to be done rack - stub toe while trying to kick on shoes --- fuck fuck fuck fuck - fuck the news, fuck the plant, fuck the trash - slap bread, slap butter, slap cheese and roll it up for a breakfast on the run washed down with one gulp of mango juice straight from the carton - fall out of door in a tangle of undone shoelaces, flailing earphones whilst fumbling for keys that just-won’t-go-in-the-motherfucking-lock-properly-for-fucks-sake.

..... get a real march on.....it’s 8.10am

Friday - I’m ready for you - give it your best shot.

September 7, 2006

Snake Heart - “That’s Still F**king Beating!!!!”

So they brought out this live viper, cut out it's heart, put it in a shot glass and I drank it - because that's what you do at a Hanoi snake restaurant.

Spo | September 7, 2006 | Comments
Daily Life - Vietnam | Kaneheads Kompanion | Videos & Links

August 30, 2006

Funeral strippers clamp-down….

It was not possible to click past that headline when I saw it -

Police in east China have decided to clamp-down on the tradition of strippers at funerals.

Five strippers were arrested last week for disrobing at the funeral of a farmer.

According to the state-owned media, Striptease used to be a common practice at funerals in Donghai's rural areas "to allure viewers".

Villagers believe that the more people who attend the funeral, the more the dead person is honoured.

Honey, I'm not watching the strippers, I'm honoring the dead - there just happens to be strippers there as well.....

August 2, 2006

Can’t put my finger on it….

Saw the Zutons playing live on TV.

Something about a damn fine looking woman playing a saxophone...........

Spo | August 2, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion

July 28, 2006

Instinct - every Mother F****ing time…..

Wake at 7.20am to Razorlights Stumble and Fall stagger my way through the getting my shit together process - think I can get away with shaving a day later to save time - piece of toast for brekkie - no orange left, damn it, water will do - shirt for work- shirt for work - damn it - get the iron.
.
Half heartedly working away I turned to flick the morning news on from across the room - as I did I brushed the side of the iron against the right side of my chest - just a second - always seems such a long time in situations such as this - when your body figures out that molten hot ‘aint ice cold - initially it’s all the same kind of spark - that sting - that moment of instintcive thought that ponders so - that second - that second was enough:
.
MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!
.
Instant reaction was to shout the above - as it always is when ever I end up adding another scar to the collection - skidding across the road on my arm and knee after the scooter incident in Thailand - falling off the bonnet of my friends car pretending to be Teen-Wolf - car door slamming on my shin - jumping up the stairs and ripping my stitches after appendicitis - grinding my right side on the gravel falling off my BMX Raleigh Stylus - stabbing myself in the hand using a knife to make a coke can bong - all the many times I’ve forgotten I was sun burnt and then have been painfully reminded - even burning my hand on the steam from a kettle while making a cup of tea… -Motherfucker!!!!-
.
Every sprained ankle, every stubbed toe, every door I’ve walked into, every bed I’ve fallen out of, every surface I’ve touched to find out if it was hot or not, every stripper that has dug her heels in too hard..... ”Mothefucker!!!!”
.
An instant reactionary phrase that has enough satisfying syllables to allow you to truly spell out your pain - you can drag the words out as the fire slowly ignites and you realise how bad you’ve actually hurt yourself, you can spit them out faster than a machine gun for that jumping short sharp shock and you can satisfyingly roar it at full volume when you’ve gone and seriously stacked it - ”Motherfucker!!!!” is the ultimate swear-word for every type of disastrously self inflicted injury....
.
(I wonder what I said when I hadn’t learned to swear??)

.
When my numbers up, It’s fair to say we all know what my last words will be.
.
Having said that, I don’t want it written on my gravestone.

July 26, 2006

Wake up thinking of the girl in Hanoi…..

She'd never seen Pulp Fiction - she'd never seen a lot of things - ET, Indiana Jones, Star Wars, the Godfather, Jaws - those movies that you can't easily grow up on this earth and avoid - but Pulp Fiction....Damn - that situation needed to be recitfied - Imediatefuckingly.

She laughed when Vincent accidentally shot Marvin in the face.

Game over man - we have a winner.

Movie finished and we both wanted the same thing.

A $5 dollar shake.

God damn I miss that girl.

July 25, 2006

Haunted….

Got a haircut today
.
Beautiful Dutch lady doing the honours.
.
God damn she was fine.
.
But halfway through the cut
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It happened.
.
I bestowed my special brand of wind upon the world
.
I had done my best to wince, flinch and inch that bad boy out with as little announcement as possible - it was no good though - it was out there.
.
God damn it smelled.
.
Like a 2 week old bag of vegetables baked in the sun.
.
Nowhere to look, nowhere to hide, nowhere to run.
.
What do you say? She knows - you know.
.
Nothing you can do but let the silence hang in the air
.
Along with my heinous crime.
.
After the event had came to pass wind...

.
....That was easily the longest ten minutes of my life sitting in that God damned chair.
.
Awkward doesn’t even begin to describe it.
.
I’ll not be going back.
.
Worst farting experience since the time I was wearing headphones on the running machine at the Gym in Jakarta - I never knew how loud it was - still haunts me.
.
That was for brother Eric - mild comparison to his bowel movement adventures.

Spo | July 25, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Kaneheads Kompanion

July 24, 2006

This is what Amsterdam felt like…..

This is what Amsterdam felt like... (click play a couple of times and stick with it - trust me)[Toy Story 2: Requiem]

July 23, 2006

Amsterdamned……..

Two good brothers of mine rolled up here on Friday after a weeks worth of getting wasted round France - 7pm Saturday we arrived In Amsterdam - 7am Sunday we were on our way back to Rotterdam and the promise of sleep.

Penniless, exhausted, broken, wide eyed and wasted - we were well and truly Amsterdamned.

I'll write more tomorrow once all my flashbacks are in order and I can open my eyes properly again.

Spo | July 23, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Kaneheads Kompanion

July 20, 2006

“I got’s me a wok amigo - Don’t be stickin nor nuttin”

Back in the day Barnes always did cook an evil-born-in-the-fires-of-Hades Spag Bol - better than any family member makes - even challenges the famous Cass Bubba Joyce Chilli.
.
Attempting to add my mark on the culinary world I needed a signature move of my own - an E Honda hundred hand slap - a Chun Li Helicopter - a Blanka Death Roll - I rang the man for advice - the wise words he bestowed upon me ran around the low heat, keep up the stirring, mushroom mix veg in the mix once the meat starts moving, drain the juice at regular intervals, blast it with the gas every so often - add the sauce - get busy with the herbs and spices - easy on the Chilli’s - keep it bubbling like magma and go get a drink or three.
.
Nearly hung up on me when I asked if it’d be alright using Ketchup.
.
-what you cooking it in?-

-I dunno - a big ol sauce pan-
.
-how big a sauce pan?-
.
-I can get my head in it-
.
-nice - Ok… if you don’t have a wok-
.
-Wok? I got’s me a wok amigo - it’s bad ass - don’t be stickin nor nuttin-
.
Spo, get the wok on the case - greatest invention since the wheel.
.

.
Yeah- Barnes knows Spag Bol alright.

July 19, 2006

The Kid Stays In The Picture…..

36 degrees and the flat was a sauna when I got back - headed straight out to get bags of ice for the loafing with JD and cokes on the balcony evening ahead.

Kid in the supermarket queue was making fart noises using his hand over his mouth - pretty good quality - good volume - not too long - good dose of realism - fine work.

You didn’t need to speak Dutch to know what his mother was telling him - you could see it all in the hand gestures -That’s disgusting! Stop that! who do you think is laughing at you? who are you impressing? Look around! Do you see anyone laughing at you?!

The Kid pointed at me.

July 18, 2006

Through the Keyhole and the Looking glass……..

Yeah - rent a new place fully furnished and you gotta expect that the tastes of the owner are going to be evident in a lot of what you see around the joint - but this was a little much - this was a kind of through the looking glass experience - I don’t think I’m being a reserved stuffy Englishman when I say that the woman that owns this place has got some god damned freaky assed artistic sensibilities and may indeed have taken a lot of LSD at one point or another.... and she really likes horses...... an awful lot.

Yeah - there was a lot of Horse/Human cross-over porn around the house

“Hello!
I’m a freaky Dali-esque trumpet creature made of clay
about the size of a small child!
Welcome to my den of strange!”

....and here we have what every house needs:
a large clay creation depicting Siamese woodpecker lesbian twins

Alright - I did kind of like the disembodied monster hand candle holder

Weird, yes - but also:

Shit

.....and finally - a human-lily-lizard crature with a big fuck off beak - of course!

...and maybe there are a few of you thinking all this gubbins looks kind of cool and off the wall - sure it’s not exactly everyday stuff - interesting - weird freaky and a bit mental - but yeah, interesting - but would you want to live in a house FULL of this crap?? coz this is the tip of the iceberg - the place was filled with smaller clay mental projects dotting around the gaff - took me ages to hunt it all down - now the place is looking a little bit more like I live here - and not some nutty bag lady with a penchant for the Island of Dr.Moreau and a little bit of bestiality.

May 28, 2006

Usually I’m all about Blue Steel, but today I’m feeling Grey Quest….

I was absolutely fucking mongoloided last night and have no memory after 11pm - reports indicate an empty bottle of JD, a stack table take out in the Kings, dance off and an escort home - my head feels like it’s been in a tumble drier and I would welcome a firing squad.

Good send off.

****Update**** - just spoke to Loomis and he says that my stack table take out was truly outstanding - I stumbled through the door took out two drink table stands - smashed a bunch of drinks and ashtrays - rolled aorund on the floor a bit looking bemused by the whole thing - then got my senses back and jumped up dancing around like party-boy - he has the whole damn thing on video as well - as last nights in the village go, that was a hell of a way to go out.

May 10, 2006

Every cloud has a white lining…..

Drastic to the point of hospitalisation though my Columbian marching powder obsession was - the binges of my early to mid twenties did result in always being guaranteed to still be able to breathe through my left nostril when I get knocked for six by the flu....

Back to bed....

April 24, 2006

Quality….

Japanese Kids Go Mental on The Xylophone

Genius

April 21, 2006

4/20 - time for a time out for old times sake…..

Suitably for 4/20 my head is all over the place today - life has jumped up a notch - escalated in fact - I didn't kill anyone with a trident or anything - but it has still been fairly eventful.

Now I gotta get my head round the whole agreeing to throw my chips in the air and see where they lay and up sticks for Rotterdam - fitting that the day the deal is done is April 20th and I'm off to Holland - the date timing is all in the hands of the powers that be across the water - some time in May they say - gotta get a few things sorted this side but I never really settled since returning last November and most of my stuff is still in boxes to tell the truth - just the issue of the flat I bought - that isn't finished - rent or sell?....

Think about that another day - for now I'm not contemplating the if's but's and maybe's of all and sundry to come - all I am appreciating is that there are if's but's and maybe's to contemplate in the first place as I know for sure if I'd of stuck at it here then I could safely predict the in's and out's of each and every working day for the next 10 years or so.

So I guess here I sit - the calm before the storm - whirlwinds on the horizon - so sit back and relax - appreciate fine fortune - the cusp of new adventures - whisky - and the fantastically fuzzy reason behind why today is 4/20 for lackadaisical loafing monkeys with their heads in the clouds everywhere - and deal with all that rest of my life tomorrow.....

April 20, 2006

88mph….

Well there was a bomb scare, our bags got lost for a few days, I spent over 200 quid in strip clubs, one day out of 8 sober, saw my friends have an outstanding wedding, successfully dodged the sun but possibly cracked a rib and returned to find and take up an offer to continue my tea tasting adventures in Holland and work and live in Rotterdam.

What a week.

Don’t worry I’ll explain - starting below....

April 20, 2006

Bears Bomb Scare Bonanza….

One of the highlights of my holiday was the Heathrow Bomb Scare at 7am on Sunday 9th of April - you see after checking in and munching brekkie, myself and my friend Bear were about to go through to departures - suddenly a good old fashioned beginning of the holiday season bomb scare announced itself - what this meant for everyone the wrong side of the passport gate was that they had to pile out into the car park for an hour and a half of muchos standing around freezing your ass off tom foolery. What it also meant was no access to the toilets.

Bad news for my friend Bear.

After about 20 mins he seriously needed to drop the kids off at the pool and there was no way the police would let him back in the building to use the nearest gentleman’s arena. He strutted around like Tarquin the pucker faced Ostrich boy - taking deep breaths and doing an awful lot of squinting - it was one of the funniest sights I have ever been privileged to witness and then tension of will he? won’t he? - was unbelievable.

Eventually the bough was on the verge of breaking and Bear had to make a polite waddle to the lifts down to the car park.

A murky corner of short stay car park level 3 will always hold a special place in Bears heart as this was were he found release from his woes.

Some poor station wagon owning family is going to come home to find a nasty surprise waiting for them by the drivers side doorway.

The true sincere wrongness of it all.

Spo | April 20, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion

April 8, 2006

Perfect send off!…..

10 quid each way on Numbersixvalverde winner of the Aintree 2006 Grand National!!!!!!!!!

= 150 quid winnings to blow on Cyprus!

Gran always did say I was destined to be lucky after being born on a Sunday!!

Hurrah!!!!!!

April 6, 2006

My Poker name is….

Bootlace

Or simply:

The Lace

it's the Lace on the flop with a couple of Jackanories to tell!....

Spo | April 6, 2006 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion

April 6, 2006

Obviously….

Why do you always look so god damned tired al the time?

Well it’s a combination of not being able to say no to a drink and the entire series of the Soprano’s playing out at 11.35pm weeknights on More4.....

Fairy nuff.

March 27, 2006

Dooley is back…..

When I woke I decided that If I had to put a price to how much I would pay to have the day off work and spend it in bed then I reckoned 50qiud would be about right.

After walking into the wind and rain and catching an overcrowded train with spirit crushing headache, that price rose to a cool 100.

But bed won’t get me anywhere - even though it is smashingly comfortable - and recent ructions at work mean that ringing up sounding bedraggled and battered, begging for a day off on a Monday morning would not paint shiny happy pictures of me for my boss to pin upon his fridge door - it would only etch another line upon his anguished frown in my general direction - and lordy knows the craggy old bastard has enough of those already.

To be fair to him the last two weeks have not been that bad - I can see he is making attempts to improve the atmosphere by not screaming and shouting the moment he senses opposing views and I am doing my very best impression of a meek and spindly orphan child who just wants to find a warm doorway to sleep in over Christmas - this situation will continue for a few more weeks and he’ll eventually have thawed enough to have a sensible conversation about the fact that I don’t have very much work to do and would quite like to be given something to get my teeth into - other than clock watching and trying to understand how it is possible for lunch time to seem like five minutes, yet three in the afternoon lasts for around about fifty three thousand four hundred and thirty two minutes.

Again - another worthwhile area of investigation for those pesky scientists to get their note pad and stylo out and have a gander at - rather than puzzling about buttered bread landing buttered side down and why it is people don’t like the idea of blue food.

Talking of pesky scientists I remember Beverley sent me a story that conjured recollections of two posts I wrote many moons ago - they concerned how meddling with nature ended up making Sharks into evil megalomaniacal genius’s who are even more dangerous and powerful than ever before, when all the scientists were trying to do was cure Alzheimers (the actual plot behind the Deep Blue Sea) - and how this kind of thinking always ends up creating sublime Z-movie disaster such as the Glass Trap and Frakenfish.

You see real life pesky scientists are actually planning to turn sharks into “stealth spies” capable of tracking vessels undetected - They want to control the sharks by implanting electrodes in their brains and steering them via remote control - the research is apparently being funded by the Pentagon’s Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA),

You can see it now - after a sudden increase in Shark Attacks around the beaches of a small American coastal town, hard bitten maverick local cop Chad Lowery is staring open mouthed in disbelief at protesting pesky scientist Dennis Penickity who exclaims -We never wanted this to happen! We were just trying to create super shark spies to protect America! We didn’t realise they’d turn and bite not only the hand that feeds them but any other hand in the surrounding 100km area!!

And Chad says - God damn scientists! when will you realise that if you meddle with nature - nature meddles back

(Suggestions as to whereabouts the use of the word motherfucker would be best placed in the aforementioned quote are very much welcome)

March 22, 2006

Double Take x 20….

Guy got on the train this morning and seemed to clock me reading the paper - he seemed nervous and tried to find a seat on the next carriage down with no luck - then I realised - this “guy” was in fact some random girl I went to school with - who now, thanks to hormone replacement therapy on the NHS, is called Danny, has a full on Goatie beard, broad shoulders and is apparently sleeping with the hefty girl from the local supermarket checkout.

There’s a “no fucking way” to start your day if ever there was one.

Spo | March 22, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion

March 17, 2006

You don’t say…..

So the circus was passing Loch Ness and they stopped for a rest - the ringmaster streteched his legs, yawned and thought to let the Elephants go for a swim while having a smoke. Then some random Scotsman fishing by the loch thought he saw a monster - clicked a camera - and a tourist industry was born.

Makes sense to me - this is a theory that can hold a persons attention for a few minutes (so is a good subject for a post, especially when I’ve only got a few minutes myself) and it also amuses mildly drunk people enough to earn a free pint.

Unfortunately it is not one that impresses women sufficiently enough to encourage them to sleep with you based on the eyebrow raising quality of this story alone.

Spo | March 17, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Kaneheads Kompanion | News

March 16, 2006

The Path of Chuck….

Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of Chuck Norris is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is Chuck Norris who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak (basically anyone who is not Chuck Norris) through the valley of darkness, for he is truly not only his brother’s keeper but everyone else’s keeper and the finder of lost children (and anything else that he wants to find).

And Chuck Norris will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy Chuck Norris. And you will know my name is Chuck Norris when I lay my vengeance upon you with a roundhouse kick to the face”

Submit your own Chuck Norris fact here

March 15, 2006

It’s 4.20 - lets watch Star Wars again…

Pass the J
Look at those Storm-troopers, where do you think they're going?
Dunno - they keep cropping up in the background all the way through this film
D'ya think it' s the same six troopers all the time?
Yeah - You always see six guys legging it around in formation - I think they might be doing laps of the Death Star
Eh?
Like they got in trouble with Darth
And he gave them laps?
Yeah - he's a harsh but fair leader
What are they in the doghouse for? Drunk on duty?
Well I think there must be like a Storm-troopers Union Bar or something - you gotta let employees let off steam - cooped in all the way up there
They're hardly cooped in - it's the size of a small moon
That's no moon - it's a space station
Right - there must be bars all over the shop
I don't think so - they're drones - hell bent on domination
Yeah, guess your right
Think they're tokers?
Nah - if they got high they'd end up seeing that the darkside is definitely not the way forward - the whole urge to blow shit up and take over the galaxy would leave them and they'd end up baking cakes and running a Squirrel farm on Endor
So what is the Storm-troopers vice of choice? Cocaine?
You couldn't get a note into those helmuts - I think the stormtroopers drink pretty hard - through straws - then they get angry - go out and kick the fuck out some Jawa's and break some poor droids arms off
Picking on those weaker than themselves - fuckin fucky fucks
Good insult
So what have the Storm-troopers done to end up doing laps?
Well I think they got wasted down the Union and then started stun gunning one another for a laugh - after all - as you can see from Leia - there's no side effectsv lets get wasted and stun the shit out of Bravo company
Exactly - then Darth turns up and finds his squad is out of commission
Hungover & Stunover
Hands out laps
Harsh but fair
Yeah - the Darkside isn't so bad....

Spo | March 15, 2006 | Comments
Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion

March 14, 2006

Exam time: Gold Star Award

Seems fair enough to me

Explain the shape of the Graph: "It's curvy with a higher bit at the end and a rather asethetically pleasing slope towards a pretty flat starit bit. the actual graph itself consits of 2 strait lines meeting at the long left hand corner of the graph and moving away at a 90' degree angle. Each line has an arrow head on the end."

Justify your answer: "Guess"

They may not have got the exam questions right, but something tells me that this kid probably turned out alright.

Spo | March 14, 2006 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni

March 10, 2006

King of the Cameo….

How did Tony Scott - the man who made truly classic True Romance and the underrated Man on Fire, Spy Game and Last Boy Scout - end up making the truly atrocious Domino? he has way too many camera tricks on show - jump cuts, slow mo, fade out, rewinds, filters - noise noise noise noise - you feel queasy and confused watching this movie - guess it’s what happens when he isn’t reigned in and allowed to go crazy in the editing room - plus he’ll usually have great actors (Redford, Willis, Washington, Pitt) or writers (Shane Black, Tarantino) to back him up. In Domino he ends up with Knightly looking good but acting ridiculous and writer Richard Kelly of Donnie Darko fame really suggesting he had a lucky break with his parallel universe superhero tale of teen angst and that he may not be the genius Darko suggested.

After Cursed, Domino is probably one of the worst main-stream movies I’ve ever seen in my life - the supposedly true life story of a model turned bounty hunter - one who can burst into a room of hostile shot gun wielding drug dealing Mexicans and appease the situation by giving them a lapdance - really - one who practices nunchuck and knife throwing whilst an angry teenager so therefore qualifies for the role of bounty hunter after she throws a knife through Mickey Rourkes windshield - the whole plot made no sense what so ever, the camera could not sit still, soundtrack was atrocious - it was all so desperately trying to impress like a school girl in too much make up wearing a scarf as a skirt winking at the local club bouncer.

Worst of all it had these two fecking ass-munches from Beverley Hills 90210 running around for no discernable reason - sure it’s good to see cult TV stars of the crappy past turn up every once in a while - like the Hoff in Dodgeball - but 90210 should never be held in such comedic reverence - it was way too far up it’s own ass - there was never anything worth remembering from 90210 - apart from when Luke Perry tried a come back and turned up in Oz - the psycho prisoners ended up sealing him inside the concrete walls of the prison.

(spoiler warning if you’ve never seen Out of Sight - which you really should of by now)

Quality Cameo’s can always add that classic scene to a films running time - True Romance, whilst being possibly top of my all time greatest movie list, is probably also king of the scene stealers - like Christopher Walken as mafia emissary Vincenzo Coccotti going head to head with Dennis Hopper as Clarence’s dad, Clifford, in my one of cinemas true classic moments - then there’s Brad Pitt as true stoner Floyd, James Gandolfini (Tony Soprano) as a ruthless hitman, Gary Oldman as gangster pimp Drexl, Chris Penn & Tom Sizemore as gun happy cops - there were also smaller roles including Val Kilmer as Elvis, Sam Jackson as Big Don - but they are all mentioned in the credits - true cameos are when you have no idea they are about to pitch up and steal the show for a few minutes - like they were just calling past the movie set and someone blagged them into doing a scene.

From the simple touches like Sean Connery popping up as King Richard in Robin Hood, to Will Ferrels turns in Wedding Crashers and Starsky and Hutch - the way Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider always appear out of nowhere saying you can do it!! in each others films - the entire Anchorman battle in Legend of Ron Burgundy along with Jack Black’s dog kicking biker in the same - Samuel L Jackson as Rufus the piano player in Kill Bill Vol.2 - Brad Pitt and Matt Damon on the dating show in Confessions of a Dangerous mind - Chuck Norris in Dodgeball - Steve Buscemi (also a Sandler regular) as the Buddy Holly waiter in Pulp Fiction - Alice Cooper in Waynes World (-MillyWockay-) - Bruce Willis crops up in Charlies Angels 2 & Oceans 12 - Danny Glover in Maverick - Anthony Hopkins in Mission Impossible 2 - the Austin Powers Mix with Cruise, Spielberg, Paltrow and Devito - Micheal Keatons FBI character Ray Nicollete from Jackie Brown turning up in Out of Sight - Mark Hamil and Carrie Fisher in Jay and Silent Bob.

In Euro-Trip, Matt Damons uncredited rocker singing Scotty Doesn’t know about sleeping with the main characters girl was world class.

But the greatest cameo of all time has to be Samuel L Jackson in Out of Sight - it’s not just a sly nod so folk can say Shit! that’s Sam Jackson!- it’s an integral scene right at the end of the film letting you know that although Jack Foley (Clooney) may have been caught by Karen Sisco (Lopez), she still sets him along the path to another escape by delaying his jail transfer - this allows him to sit with one of the most notorious prison breakers to have ever ended up in the American justice system - Jackson’s Hejira Henry - thus finishing off the movie perfectly as they realise their coming together was no coincidence....

Jack Foley: What kind of name is Hejira?

Hejira: It’s Islamic.

What’s it mean?

The Hejira was Mohammed’s flight from Mecca in 632. Brothers in Leavenworth gave me that name.

You were in Leavenworth?

For a time.

What’s that mean?

Means, when the time came, I left.

You broke out?

I prefer to think of it as an exodus from an undesirable place.

How long before they caught up with you?

That time?

There were others?

Yeah. That was the ninth.

The ninth?

Well, ten if you count that prison hospital in Ohio I walked away from.

You done a lot of walkin’, Henry.

Hijirah.

Hijirah....Now we’re off to Glades.

Yeah, it looks that way.

I was supposed to leave last night with the lady marshal, but for some reason she wanted to wait.

She did, huh?

Guess it’s cheaper taking two of us down in one van.

Could be.... Maybe she thought we had a lot to talk about.

Really? Like what?

I don’t know.....Long ride to Florida.

Sam Jackson is always stealing scenes - and this was his best - because this one you had no idea he was even coming.

March 8, 2006

Truly Super Mario….

This will appeal to anyone who ever picked up a Nintendo pad - which is most of us - Super Mario on the NES - two guys racing on separate screens - start to finish.

Click Here

Spo | March 8, 2006 | Comments
Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion | Videos & Links

March 3, 2006

Films you may not have seen but should part 3:

Switchblade Romance is without a doubt the most fuck assed vicious evil nasty bastard piece of slasher heaven I’ve ever witnessed in my 28 and a halfshell years.

Two girls, a country house and a burly guy with mental problems and a chainsaw.

This film rocked the fuck out of crack town - it was outfuckingstandinglycalifragilistic from start to motherfucking finish - I’m not big on cursing for the sake of it - use it to add meaning were relevant - and by Jesus of the fuckmunch ponies is it fucking relevant here - I have never witnessed such sheer out right eyeball terror as I have while watching this movie.

If madmen chasing their kills before doing godforsaken evil Christ on a bike almighty freaky shit is up your street then this film is for you.

The new wave of horror surfed by the likes of Cabin Fever, Saw and it’s predecessor, The Texas remake, House of 1000 corpses, The Devil’s Rejects and the upcoming Hostel and Tarantino & Rodriguez’s Grind-house - they should all be judged before this movie rather than the aged, crusty, splatterhouse efforts of the seventies which, while constantly paid homage to and held in some sort of mystical reverence, are actually looking rather dated and comical in the eyes of today’s audiences.

I watched the original Texas Chainsaw and Dawn of the Dead recently and both don’t hold up too well against what we’ve become accustomed to - sure, they may have kicked things off and inspired many a movie maker - but that doesn’t mean they’ll stand the test of time - Dawn of the Dead’s uncut version is a soulless extended shopping centre commercial, while Texas Chainsaw comes across as a badly acted Benny Hill Skit these days.

This guy, Alexandre Aja, he’s remade Wes Craven’s the Hills Have Eyes? A movie about a family stranded out in the desert attacked a bunch of insane nuclear overspill hillbilly’s? Fucking A that will be a kick-ass ride into the darkness of the soul - he show’s here that he’s got the cojunes to carry off what ever he wants.

All the elements that need to come together for you to be terrified & tansfixed with tension are mixed to maximum effect in this movie - it’s not just the claret drenched gruesomeness blood curdling brutality - it’s the eyeball wide fear, knuckle whitening knife edge moments and eerie ominous soundtrack - it may not be original, but it sure as hell works when it’s all pulled off with perfection.

It’s a flat out fucking psychotic film of Tyrannosaurial proportions.

March 2, 2006

Lounge Sounds….

I awoke with a mini hangover - slight head of death and seemingly no water in my body - still took me a time to persuade myself to get up and go sort myself out - a running conversation in my head along the lines of I’m uncomfortable and water would be nice - but it’s so.... far..... away.....

Anyways Via Soul Rebel and on to Molly G I found a link to download the tune from the Zane Low Radio 1 Tv ad called “Crazy" by Gnarls Barkly.

I’m looking at you in particular here when I say Right click and save target as this it really is califragafuckinglistic.

Out on April 10th here in the UK it will probably be the sound of the summer.

But definitely good enough to warrant the airtime.

March 2, 2006

Let the good times roll….

Chelsea vs Colchester in the FA cup - Loomis and I discussed, decided 3-1 was the score, got on toTotalbet.com - Joe Cole scored in 93rd minute and brought it all to come true - 3-1 to Chelsea and 100quid to us.

England vs Uruguay - Loomis and I discussed, decided 2-1 was the score - Joe Cole scored in 93rd minute and brought it all to come true - 2-1 to England and 75quid to us.

After these wins and the champions league chair, Totalbet.com hates us at the mo - I’m thinking of a career change.

As long as I can stop buying rounds of drinks for people in celebration.

February 28, 2006

A picture says a thousand words to all UTD fans….

--------

February 25, 2006

Back of the Net!…

My brother from another mother Barnes just texted me the following msg:

“I’ve just bought Martine a small skin tight Spurs top – and she wanted it as well! What a lady!”

One of the main reasons we men get into relationships is to get our girlfriends to wear the shirt of our favoured football teams in the bedroom – a tricky task to pull off, it’s the perfect coming together of the two greatest things in life – sex and football.

I salute you Brother Barnes!

Spo | February 25, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion

February 24, 2006

Definition of a Miracle:

...you know what a miracle is? ......raising a fucking child that doesn’t talk in a movie theatre…

Bill Hicks

Spo | February 24, 2006 | Comments
Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni

February 24, 2006

Badger Balaclava Bonanza…

The Rules of Quidditch -

Basically two teams of seven flying around on broomsticks trying to bat the ball through each others goal hoop and score 10 points per shot.

Meanwhile, one player from each side chases a flying golden blob called the snitch - once caught it’s worth 150 points and signifies the end of the game.

So the whole act of scoring goals at 10 points a time is kind of superfluous really.

Is it just me or is this the most ridiculous idea for an imaginary new sport since the dawn of time?

JK Rowling is writing in the realms of fantasy – endless possibilities – and this is the best she can come up with?

How did nobody notice Quidditch is Shit?

I mean give it five minutes thought and you could do better than that – go on – think about the idea of a whole new sport based in the realms of fantasy and what do you come up with?

I came up with Badger Balaclava Bonanza - in which two contestants are simultaneously put in separate cubed rooms that have many holes leading inwards via surrounding shoots - armed with only a backpack of chloroform infused balaclavas, they have to catch and subdue up to 20 fiercely angry badgers who have been pumped up on cocaine and fed chilli’s for 24 hours.

Once wrestled into submission, the Balaclava is placed over the snout, the unconscious badger can be dispensed with into the central badger bin - any un-balaclavad Badgers put in the bin are returned to the action immediately along with another bonus snarling striped fiend.

Contestants have to subdue all the badgers to escape - difficult as the rate of Badgers being emitted into the room increases as time goes by. Badgers will have nick names and particular styles of attack, haircuts and clothing to appeal to children and help with marketing (Ninja Badger! Cannibal Badger! Rambo Badger!)

A race against time and a race against death by angry badger savagery.

First contestant to dispense with all badgers wins 150 points.

Second place succumbs to badger overload and probable death.

And it doesn’t even require magic and is grounded in complete realistic possibility (if unlikely) - yet still infinitely better than Quidditch!

Hmmm......I have far too much time on my hands at the moment....

February 7, 2006

Gutted though I am…..

… that we lost 2-0 and had Reina sent off (but Robben deserves an Oscar - disgrace)

but THIS is class - Good lad

February 1, 2006

GRRRRR!!!! In the name of all that is Holy!!!!!….

… Please God!!! can you put scientists and orange juice carton openers the world over out of their misery and allow for someone to have that eureka moment we yearn for - when someone figures out a way to design a mechanism for the opening of Orange juice cartons that actually allows you to pour the God Damned juice without the feckin carton spontaneously combusting and dribbling gravity defying juice everywhere but the glass beneath it....

....At 7am this morning with a head full of rocks, four hours sleep and a severe lacking of will to live - I beseech you!

January 27, 2006

Sing me a Samsong…

Friday is Samsong Whisky Night – everyone is now back from Thailand and we all brought back bottles of one the Far Easts finest secrets – apart from the bars of Bangkok and beyond, it’s unavailable outside Thai borders as far as I know – 80 proof/40% and drunk literally by the bucket - mixed with amphetamine fuelled Red Bull, coke and ice - Samsong is a unique kind of drinking experience – you don’t end up wasted with out of control of actions and random unexplained thought – you seem to remember most of your evening – there’s no slurring of words or impairing of ability – and unbelievably, no hangover.

Yes, no hangover.

Well not in the hangover sense of head full of rocks, movement equates to pain, dehydrated legless elephant child, breath of death, memory like a badly edited videotape, all noise sounds like frying pans falling off a mountain, take me out in the garden and shoot me and use me for fertilizer coz that’s all I’m good for.

Of course the reason it hasn’t crossed borders must be what ever it is that is in Samsong that makes you feel so good - some of its questionable ingredients are rumored to be a small amount of speed and formaldehyde - Moonbats are made of this – 0 to spastic in 45 seconds – Jabber Jibber Jabber – RAA! RAA! Juice – toast the first glass and it’s good night ladies and gentleman – see you on the other side….

Our first night arriving in Ko Samui our friend, Bear, was so far gone into the world of Samsong that he clambered up into the bars elevated cage and started pole dancing with all the vixens – running round that pole in circles like something out of Benny Hill – then he fell off the ladder but felt no pain as he bounced back up and clambered back into his cage to carry on the parade – Samsong creates events such as these that paint how you see your friends forever – 80 years old we’ll all remember Bear getting in that god damned cage – police turned up the to close the bars around 2am and he had to be heckled down from there “come down Bear! come down from there! Get down Bear! No more! Police say NO!”

Things just get really hectic and everything seems to speed up for a while – yet you remain in control – able to fly the plane in and out of the caverns of your hundred mile an hour conversations like star pilots.

Honestly, at the time, it’s like Samsong is allowing us all to realise our full potential and operate at maximum efficiency – it’s how we were supposed to be – the elixir of life – nothing can harm you and everything you say carries weight and reason – nothing is beyond your grasp.

Of course another way of saying it is that you are well and truly fucked up beyond all recognition and a full on fucking nightmare for anyone remotely in the realms of sobriety to deal with.

We’ve got 8 bottles of that God Gamned Moonbat Idiot Juice to get through between five of us – get on the boat or stay on the docks but for all that is holy please don’t watch us sail.

January 23, 2006

Spo’s world….

I sat here yesterday, stared at this screen for what seemed like eternity and ended up writing some McGuffin about superstition – that my apartment building in Jakarta had no floor 13 due to Western ways of thinking and no floor 4 due to Asian ways of thinking (apparently 4 means death in Japanese or something) – and after waffling about the confusion this caused for pizza delivery, I linked all that in with how, even though I didn’t really believe in God and religion as far as a pub conversation went, I still wouldn’t be that happy living on floor 13 (pub conversation = you think about it for 5 seconds and give your answer and move on like I am doing now, except really, if you gave the subject more considered thought, you’d say something far more sensible like “I just haven’t seen anything to really swing me either way, but I’m still open to the possibility which incidentally is how I feel about life on Mars, the Americans never landing on the moon when they said they did, the extinction of Dinosaurs by a meteorite and the possibility that if indeed Christ existed, then Tom Cruise is more than likely the Anti-Christ”…

…..Anyways I wrote that I wouldn’t be happy living on floor 13 as in the end don’t tempt fate if you can avoid it and there’s plenty you don’t understand – and then finally I linked all this back to how earlier that day Liverpool had lost to Manchester UTD in the 90th minute due to me accidentally putting my trousers on before my socks which for me is bad luck for the rest of the day.

But that was yesterday and I lost it all in a moment of “ctrl c” “ctrl v” madness - after which I felt like it just wasn’t possible to remember such a ramble in quite the same way, so I thought “feck it!” and got drunk on red wine and started watching season 6 of the West Wing – I was then made to feel extraordinarily stupid due to realising that I actually need to watch this programme with English subtitles because it shoots by so quickly that if you don’t concentrate extraordinarily hard on what everyone is saying at all times, then you miss extraordinarily vital things and will have no idea what is going on – I used to think that I watched with subtitles to help Hanh, who’s native tounge is Vietnamese and always found that if someone had a funny accent or spoke with a dialect she didn’t quite fathom, the written word was there to fall back on – but now I realise I have become accustomed to watching with them after 3 years in Asia and seem to have forgotten my own language when spoken with pace (the wine may also have been a factor).

This is not surprising seeing as during this last week there have been instances of me forgetting my age (thought I was a year older) , how to tell time using clocks with hands (“the little hand nearly says 9 and the big hand says between 7 and 8 and that’s…..erm 9.45?… ”

and any semblance of mathematic ability (175’000 is 17.5Metric Tons…. NO!.... and if you have a 1 in 76 million chance in the lottery with one ticket and then you buy another, you then have a 2 in 76 million chance which is the same as a 1 in 38 million chance….. NO!) - leading me to wonder if perhaps I didn’t get away with all that youthful drug taking after all.

SO today I decided that after watching Martin Sheen go through hell trying to negotiate the political mine-field of the middle eastern peace accord, it still seemed a far easier situation to fathom a solution than the one I am embroiled in at work: trying to persuade people that when talking about the global business of buying and selling tea, it doesn’t matter which office does the work and who claims the profit, as long as the business actually gets done – argument being that in the end surely all rivers run to the sea and this helps everyone in the grand scheme of life – and then people told me that politics is exactly that – be it running a country, running a company, or running the mafia - everyone has their own angle and it’s all a giant game of chess, choosing to move your pieces at the right time is the key and all that nonsense....

...and I thought ”well really it would be much better if everyone thought about the greater good at the end of the line and tried to get there a bit quicker without so much piffle paffle and bureaucracy, all these meetings, think-tank nonsense and business speak bollocks” – that it would be better if one person was allowed to make decisions on the spot and get things moving, rather than having to check with everyone else to make sure they were all happy with their cut of profit, their level of involvement, their level of chin stroking time etc etc – that there should be trust that one person knew what they were doing and would make sure everyone got what was coming to them equally at the end of it and people should just do what they were told and bloody well get on with it.

At this point I was told that I was sounding like a communist dictator – and after a little pondering, I agreed with them but argued that communist dictators might actually have a point as long as they didn’t get drunk on power, start killing people and steal everything for themselves.

I then went off on a ramble about the “World of Spo” and how there would be far more modes of transport and habitat that involved floating and flight such as jet packs, flying cars, hover cities and those skateboards from Back to the Future II – Human/Animal army experimentation to create the ultimate soldier - food that tastes like Original Pringles but has the health benefits of carrots - general knowledge tests with cinema tickets so you don’t sit with fools who play with mobiles and talk all the way through the god damned movie – segregated sin city areas where anything goes and if it all goes wrong then you knew what you were walking into and it’s your fault and we don’t have enough time for rehabilitation as we’ve got enough people in the world so you will have to go and work down the mines until you sort your rotten little head out – and general anesthetic for children on long haul flights (and leg room for everybody!) – conservation based on how cool animals were – cloning Al Pacino and using the Al Pacino clones for the majority of TV - far more places connected with Ski-lifts and escalators – being connected to drips at work so you get the right vitamins and water for the day - wage caps in football and a minimum home grown players rule – the gradual reduction of teenagers from society - Televised supreme common sense courts that can operate outside the law, use punishments as a form of entertainment and can bring a swift halt to the likes of Gary Glitter’s existence, Michael Jackson’s career and the music of Crazy Frog – and finally the use of paper scissors stone as a national way of solving petty disputes that once played could not be argued with under penalty of death.

At which point I was told that it was paragraphs containing such random thoughts as the above which suggested that if I were allowed to make decisions without consultation, then my company would surely cease to exist and furthermore that if I ever got into government office then the future of this world was possibly at stake – I protested that this was my off the cuff version of Spo’s World and obviously I’d take council – it was more of a pub conversational Spo’s World than a final blue print

But it was no good – although people agreed there were some interesting ideas – (for example, that of general anesthetic being used when traveling long distances as long as you weren’t involved with the control of direction and speed, that hoveboards were indeed overdue and that more Al Pacino was undeniably a good thing) – in the end, sin cities, drips at work, a lax attitude to the law and conservation as well as meddling with nature to create super soldiers was inevitably going to cause chaos and needed far more thought before I’d be getting their votes.

Fair enough – I realised the thought of absolute power had indeed gone to my head and I had threatened to create a world of laziness, chaos and debauchery – I needed to be stopped – whether I had weapons of mass destruction or not – and the people had spoken by not voting for me in the first place – which is why we live in a democracy - Full circle.

January 19, 2006

The Limbo Zombies of January….

I don’t like this limbo – transitional limbo – maybe all Januarys feel like limbo – Boo January – boooooo....

Feeling a little lost - lacking direction and motivation is giving way to some seriously disturbing dreams – the sort I thought could only be caused by eating cheese before bed or having serious illnesses.

I scribbled down last nights events when I awoke gasping for breath and kicking off the covers – apparently myself and two others were trying to rescue some random girl – she was locked up in the centre of some sort of futuristic maze straight off a Kubrick set (cold, spacious, white, ceramic, spherical but quite pointy in parts) – I could see her over the top of this trap door we were trying to open – the key involved hopscotch over digital tiles – we were supposed to follow the red numbers that flashed up but they kept changing and moving around too fast – in the end we didn’t have time as B.A Barracus had turned into a zombie and was on the warpath – the man was mad as hell and there was no talking to him – as there often isn’t with zombies....

I think BA caught up with me after ripping the other two guys to pieces – I remember I was getting the hop-scotch thing wrong all the time and could hear the big angry zombified gold chain enthusiast roaring round the corner towards me – the girl was pleading with me to get it right – all I wanted to do was open the door and get away – to hell with the rescue – then I heard the roar, I tried to make a break for it, the Mutant Mohawked Mofo was almost on top of me - then I woke up.

Maybe I’d enlisted the help of the A-team to rescue the girl from Ming the Merciless and then things had gone horribly wrong – you really want BA Barracus on your side in these situations – especially when he’s a flesh eating deranged zombie.

I don’t even think Chuck Norris could stop a Zombie BA – in fact when it comes to zombies, who worse to turn into one than Mr.T?

January 12, 2006

Unnecessary Brow Furrowing…..

Spo: 29 years old and falling off scooters, drinking samsong and getting into monkey business in Thailand

Cass: you’re too old for that
Never
yeah
maybe
wait a minute - you’re not 29
I am
you’re not, you’re 28 you fool
I’m 29

when were you born?
1977
yeah you’re 28
No..... 1980 to 1990 equals 10 - 1990 to 2000 is 20 - add the three from 77.... 2005 ..... 28 - ah ok - cool I’m 28!
you forgot how old you are - idiot!
damn it - I had a real contemplative afternoon as well - all wondering how much of the join the dots escalator existance of life I gotta get in order by June 2006 when 30 kicks in - lose a few stone, set up to move into the new place, finances in order and then meet some girl, get married and have clumsy babies - now I find out I’m not 30 till 2007 - califragalistic!
yeah, you’ve got much more time to grow up properly now
I know.....I’ve got a year and a half to be a proper grown up..... why couldn’t you have told me how old I was around midday instead? woulda saved me a lot of unnecessary brow furrowing

Idiot

January 11, 2006

Scooter Mayhem….

From the moment the girl took the keys out of the ignition and told me to get off so she could wheel the scooter out into the road and point it in the right direction - we all kind of knew that I’d be meeting the tarmac at an awkward angle at high speed sooner or later - well moderate scooter speeds anyway – but wearing flip-flops, shades, shorts and T-shirt, any kind of combination of speed and tarmac is bad.

Sure, I was apprehensive about hiring a scooter – but it was the best way around the island and you can’t hide from possible injury all your life – even when it is kind of inevitable given my history.

Sun burned to hospitalization in Malawi, run down and dehydrated after Mozambique so hospitalized once I got to Kenya, virus ridden and hospitalized along with a car crash in Indonesia, a visit to the chiropractors after falling off the back of Gary’s motorcycle in Nam, a busted knee in Tanzania and countless pratfalls and general moonbattery here in UK – like killing my XR2 at the top of the hill, the chang inspired three day nose bleed sending me to Derriford hospital, picking up Beverley from the train with my hand stuck in a pint glass of water due to Kettle steam (subtle but dangerous), getting electrocuted on the fence running away from a startled horse, wasp nest disaster while tree climbing, falling in the river Test in front of the Mayfly pub garden, bouncing off the bonnet of Darcy’s car while pretending to be Teenwolf, head over handlebars aged seven and countless sprained ankles, dead legs, gashed elbows and black eyes.

I’ve been in the wars, to be sure.

But never broken a bone or a dislocated anything.

I keep going back for more – despite the odds always being against me more than most – if there’s six of us on scooters – it’s me that’s gonna fall off at some point – we all knew that - my ratio isn’t like that of other mortals - I’m starting in the red every time.

However, for three days with the wind in my hair, being my own man, I was free as a…… well no I was concentrating on not falling off actually – and when Jenks suggested a 13.5km there and back trek up and down dodgy jungle roads to the remote part of Ko Phan Ngan, I said ”Ok” but I knew that it was one mission I probably wouldn’t be coming back from – like the guy that was a bit short of the mark in boot camp and looked at Normandy Beach as artillery fire whistled towards him and thought “yeah – I’m probably gonna get it - first off the boat” – that’s me, the perennial non-cast member that makes up the extra man for the exploration party to new planets – and when I saw the steep verges and gravel strewn drops – the people in the passing mud covered taxi’s laughing and shaking their heads as they knew what we were driving towards – I thought

“well you’re coming off somewhere – it’s just a question of when”

Start with a defeatist attitude and you will be defeated preaches the self help empire – yeah, well with my track record it’s god damned common sense, dagnamnit – only fools are fearless, courage is having fear and doing it anyway - after the arduous trail was negotiated one way – beach reached and a couple of beers later with rumbling grey skies above us, we did the trail again – beat it both times with only minor spills (I swear I had dodgy brakes).

The three of us made it out the other side – the proverbial scooter journey to the dark side of the moon and back – I had conquered the scooter – it was now my bitch.

Then, at an innocent junction – confidence got the better of me – one feisty rev too much and an instinctive full on use of the brakes and acceleration at the same time – back wheel slides left – front wheel strives to kiss the sun – “look at me ma, top of the world!” – then your surfing the tarmac wave using your right arm and leg for purchase – ass smackdown and bounce right back up again as you slide through two lanes of traffic.

He’s up! – he’s ok! – nope – he’s got blood spewing from a hole in his arm and that knee cap’s taken a shaving – last nights samsong still allows for that feeling of being made of rubber though so you won’t feel that shit till later.

We drove back through the rain storm – passed a clinic along the way – got back and patched me up – we all knew my scooter days were now over – it’s for the best – good while it lasted – wind in your hair, being your own man and all that - I knew I’d pay with more than money eventually – and I truly got one of the greatest bruises this world has ever seen out of it as well – the initial dinner plate sized black, blue and red jamboree – looked like the galaxy – we named it the ”Nebulous” and people asked to have their pictures taken with the miracle that was my monstrously bruised ass.

That’s me

- went to war –

- made it out the other side –

- died falling off the boat home, drunk -

January 9, 2006

Same, Same But Different……

Aha moon biscuits – 2006 I believe – I’ve missed you fine folk – have muchos catching up to do – where have I been? I’ve been to Thailand you monkeys – and was busy with such things as falling off scooters, swinging in hammocks, going 0 to spastic in 45 seconds drinking super dooper samsong whisky and crawling around rock formations for 3 hours after drinking a mushroom shake while 20’000 people danced in the new year on Hat Rin beach below.

“Too many psychedelic dreadlocked techno wookies down there” I thought “I’ll stay up here for a while and try and get my shit together – stare at those lights until they make sense to me – stop my right hand from doing this electric circular motion that it’s been obsessed with for the last half hour – I want the control of my hand back God damn it!” then I crawled around the rocks a bit more – I was in a bad or good way depending on your point of view – or your state of mind - normal me was trying to steady the ship in the background – a little voice in the back of my mind repeating “get your shit together, get your shit together, get your shit together…” over and over and over…… eventually the repetition became a song in the style of “it’s a small world after all” and normal me was defeated by the mushroom vigour….

That’s when the memory tape ran out and the head just gave up recording – “this shit makes no sense!” said the memory editor in the morning – “I can’t work with this!” – all the material uslesss – “forget it” instructed the booming voice of the brain – and it was gone – most of New year remained apart from those three hours from around 2am onwards – it all disappears into the lights after the singing started “get your shit together after all, get your shit together after all……..” reports indicate that we were all in a bad way – but perhaps I may have taken the golden moonbat award – needing to be led down from the rocks by hand and observed just running around in circles for far longer than running around in circles is advisable.

“That big English fuckers lost it” a Kiwi allegedly exclaimed.

More tomorrow – featuring the biggest bruise the world has ever seen and Scooter mayhem - Happy new year you monkeys – it’s a relief and a surprise to be home in some ways and sad in others - but certainly glad that I actually undertook such a ridiculous mission - always to be remembered - well most of it anyway.....

December 19, 2005

Hey Nature - WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!?!

I’ve been away three years and now back in the house that raised me - until my place is finished next spring I am unashamedly taking advantage of the home comforts - the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, cups of tea and easy street living - I do my bit, pay my way and will do what ever task is asked - they get their son on call for a while - everyone’s happy - sure, I can’t outstay the welcome and it doesn’t look too good to prospective female companions to still be living with your parents - but it isn’t for long and for the here and now I’m a lucky boy.

So when I was asked to go up in the loft sort a bunch of stuff out and find a cat basket I was happy to help - I got the stairs out, lifted the roofing, pulled myself up and felt around for the light switch - then as the bulb flickered on and my eyes surveyed the area - just like corporal Hicks from Aliens as he uses his torch to peer into the roofing - I saw this FUCKING HUGE ALIEN EGG LOOKING FUCKING THING IN THE GOD DAMNED FUCKING CORNER!

I freaked “what the fuck is that?!? I have no concept of what the fuck that is - how could no one know this was fucking here? what the fuck lives in that? is it going to pulsate explode and evil little slimy creatures are going to take over the fucking house? what the fuck is that?”

It’s a big motherfucking wasp nest, that’s what that is.

I’m a good boy and I don’t curse in front of my mother - but certain circumstances demand and command the use of swear words and this was one of them:

There is a fucking wasp nest the size of a small fucking child in our fucking loft for fucks sake!
Yes that’s two years old now - stop swearing!
Two fucking years old! this has been here for two fucking years! nobody fucking told me! have you seen the fucking size of this fucking thing! it’s fucking massive! my room is fucking underneath that! you could fucking get inside that! fuck! fuck it’s a big wasp nest! are they fucking dead!? are you sure?! there isn’t anything in that fucking thing? Christ! it looks alive! Fuck!
STOP SWEARING!
This demands fucking swearing! that’s a fucking big wasp nest!
The council was going to remove it one summer but in the end it was better to just let them die - they don’t come back
How do you know that? what sense does it make to spend all summer building a wasp nest - a fucking big wasp nest I might add - and then all die out and never fucking return?
That’s nature for you - and stop swearing so much
Nature is Fucked up!

(when I have a situation where I think I can justifiably swear like a trooper in front of my mother then I really do squeeze the maximum out of it - there’s a little of Bart Simpson in all of us I feel)

December 9, 2005

Pssst…

Mari Jo made me realise that a very good deed indeed is to make the bedroom clocks of close friends 5 minutes faster so that even when they think they are robbing 5 more mins before waking up proper in the morning.......they aren’t really.

Spo | December 9, 2005 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion

December 7, 2005

Get outta bed….

Top Ten waking up in the morning and facing the day tunes:

Paul Simon – Me and Julio
Badly Drawn Boy - Once around the Block
Feist – Mushaboom
The Coral – In the Morning
Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc
Finlay Quaye – Sunday Shining
Kings of Convenience - I’d rather dance with you
Us3 - Cantaloop
Mr. Scruff - Get a move on
Billy Ocean – Get outta my dreams get into my car

December 7, 2005

Vaccination against inspiration?

I got back and read through the sunday times - always a good few hours worth of quality reading - one story stood out in particular - that of the possibility of vaccinations against of mind bending substances - that you could be injecting, snorting or smoking as much as you like - but the chemicals carrying their wily ways to infiltrate your brainwaves will be picked off like X-wings attacking the Death Star with its shields up - the high never gets to kick in - the gas to the ride is killed before it can begin.

Now if we are talking about those that go over the edge - into the land of alcoholism and addiction - the destruction that can come from an over indulgence and in turn, a dedication to ruin - then yes, cracking idea - but the aspect of parents being able to vaccinate children against the effects of illegal substances? - this for me opens a huge kettle of fish - takes them out and puts them inside a can of worms - worms which are removed and then placed in the aforementioned kettle...... yeah, I never got those clichéd sayings either.... kettle of fish? what the fuck? it’s a “different kettle of fish”? why? what are fish doing in a fecking....

anyways…

Sure, this is not an easy subject to have a politically correct opinion of - that mind bending substances being banned to the point of extinction is a bad thing - that you don’t even give them a sporting chance - in the eyes of sense and sensibility and the law in general - to anyone who has played and lost or knows and loved anyone that has - even thinking about what you would tell your own children - it’s a great idea - take the danger away before it even bears its fangs - think of the amount of crime caused by drug related obsession - governments will be....

But while this is indeed pub logic - the place I have just returned from in fact - I’m just asking you to consider the aspect that people have their own battles to fight in life - and the world of mind altering substances is one of them - gambling in a way - what do you win? - well you win some pretty god damn good nights out - experiences never to be mirrored - feelings impossible via conventional living - but sure, you gotta know when to fold or cash your chips - and that doesn’t apply to the average bear - but for some it does.... what do you lose? well very possibly everything - but with vaccination at birth you are denying those warriors to even step to the field of play.

What I’m trying to say is that when you look across the history of culture you see many works and artists inspired by recreational drugs and addictions - Martin Scorsese was off his face for most of the 70’s and early 80’s, Absinthe and Hemmingway, The Beatles in their Yellow Submarine, Hunter S Thompson in general, Jimmy Fucking Hendrix.....

Paul McCartney on drugs - Sgt Pepper

Paul McCartney off drugs - The Frog Song

You’d think that would be the other way round

God Damn it.

Should control over the people start before they even have a chance to discover what their demons might be? never mind actually fight them? Drugs don’t equal creativity - they don’t create on their own - but they surely do inspire and open doors to it every once in a while....

Doesn’t being allowed to walk the line and choose your battles - dip your toe in the lava lake of Hades - the eye opening and in turn, possibly soul sucking, world of enlightenment through the means of monkey business - this makes folk who they are in a way - dark side of the moon and come back again.... laws and warnings are there to dissuade you from the dark side.... but sometimes people want to taste the forbidden and find out why they aren’t allowed to go where they are told not to..... understand for ourselves rather than take it on the word of those trying to control us.

Wet Paint. Don’t touch.

Really?

You’ll learn.

At least you’ve got the chance to learn anyway…

It’s all a bit Orwellian if you ask me...

December 1, 2005

Haircut! Haircut! Haircut!….

I got me head-grass hacked today (haricut)

the doll was a right looker (the woman who performed the haircut was quite attractive)

den, when de lass woz done tinkering wid de blades, I had a riverdance at the picasso (once she had finished cutting my hair I looked in the mirror)

and stone the bleedin crows if me god damn barnet didn’t look like sodding roadkill !!!!! (I was certainly taken aback when I realised that my “curse in the name of the lord to extenuate my feelings” hairs appearance was not satisfactory and in fact resembled a dead animal whose death was caused by an interface with a vehicle moving at high speeds upon a highway)

I was feckin gutted! (I was most displeased – so much so it felt as though someone had removed my vital organs)

November 28, 2005

Girls really are preeeddddyyyy…..

I don't know whether any of you read Girls Are Pretty on a regular daily basis - but today it was fucking outstanding and it is always worth 5 mins of your surf time if it's not already a habit. Truly fuckass funny day brightening stuff every morning.

Spo | November 28, 2005 | Comments
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November 12, 2005

“where’s my double Vodka I ordered?” - “Sorry sir, it seems your duck escaped out to sea”

Because living on your own means being allowed to walk around butt naked, never locking the bathroom door, cooking in your pants and always finding things were you left them - I’m going house hunting today.

Apparently some pension tax related gubbins comes into effect in March next year that means folk can include property they rent in their personal pension - therefore house prices are set to rise despite being in some what of a buyers market at the moment.

I don’t really know too much about things like these - pensions, investments, stocks, shares, houses, renting, tax relief etc etc - they should teach it in school - but I do know plenty of folk who do that I trust - so I stick to my moral of if ”you don’t know much about it ask someone that does and watch what they do”.

This is the principle behind how I eventually want to end up owning a bar by the lake in Malawi - I’ll invest/help out/drink in a bar run by a very good friend out there and then pick up what I need to know to hook a place of my own.

Early ideas include a bamboo waterway running the circumference of the bar - tables nearby will be allocated numbered rubber ducks who will have clipper beaks - inside these clipper beaks patrons may place their scribbled drinks and food orders - then the duck is placed in the water way and will merrily float its way to the barman who shall then bring across their order and bring their tables duck back.

Ducks have to negotiate obstacles like water falls, whirlpools, rocks and the bar cat called “Bo” who shall try to foil their journey out of spite and mean spirited playful interest. Ducks will have one chance to escape should fate dictate your order was never supposed to be - one channel will allow them to escape out into the blue yonder of lake Nyasa.

Hopefully the ducks make it though, meaning folk will never have to get up for anything and can loaf the day away in hammocks watching the sunset.

Sure I could hire a waitress or two - but then we’d just be like every other bar in the world.

Blogger family please advise me on what else you want to see featured apart from a rubber duck ordering system.

I am quite serious.

October 25, 2005

Shouldn’t it of been Psy-Mese?

my cat used to like toothpaste and fighting like a ninja

as much as a cat can

she was Siamese

although not a Simian

which you would think things from Siam would be referred to

if Siam existed

where was Siam exactly?

and were Siamese cats from there?

and what is the difference between “were” and “where”?

I seem to use them alternately when they feel right

I don’t remember the actual reasoning.....

I’ve said too much. pass the whisky. a toast.

I am relieved that there is no serial killer of cats in your neighbourhood.

October 24, 2005

Taking It’s Toll….

Friday was astounding - possibly my greatest in Indonesia and I remained conscious right up until the end when the cold air hit me and then I was no good to the world (arrived at apartment and asked “where am I” - “you live here” - “are you sure?”)

The 80’s/70’s theme morphed into a Rolling Stones/Halloween/general gubbins people flung together with extravagant make up evening - the live band that played to a packed club full of debauchery was unbelievable - I never really listened to much of the Rolling Stones before but now I cannot think of better band for furious-raucous-loud-sing-a-long-hands-with-lighters-guitar-solo-infused mayhem – Wild Horses and what not – a bit of Hey Jude slipped in there some how – but in such situations, doesn’t it always?

The Indonesian tribute band to the Rolling Stones blew the lid off the place - doesn’t sound right does it? Indonesian tribute bands should be god awful - they usually are – mumbled English, bad tuning, over excitable guitars - but these boys were untouchable - Ronnie Wood look-alike standing atop the actual bar playing a guitar solo - looking around the place it was like something out of a Nam war movie - the bar of sin that all boys have their last night in before going off to war – band members crowd surfing, Tequila shots flowed, drinks on fire, women pole dancing in the haze of it all.... god damn it.

Muchos elseos happened over the weekend of a drinking debauchery dancing singing sex food laughter nature – I don’t think you don’t need details – in the midst of it all Yuni got drunk and emotional and bombarded me with things to think about – when’s, where’s, why’s, why nots – right there in the taxi cab in the early hours of new Monday I almost said “fuck it, lets get married and you come with me – we’ll figure it out as we go”

Almost

Saying goodbye to Jakarta is taking it’s toll on the body and soul - but only 4 more days now....

October 18, 2005

Ten Random Thoughts….

I spend too much of my working life looking for my pen.
The importance of a day can be judged by the quality of the pants that you wear.
Like Obi-wan, I wish that permanently wearing dressing gown and slippers could be a socially acceptable way to go about your day.
The pain endured picking a just brewed tea bag from your cup is worth it.
If a schizophrenic locks himself in a room is it a hostage situation?
Straight to video Sci-Fi Action Adventure is about as far away from a guarantee of good quality as you can get.
When in doubt, mugs make the best presents – people always use them and they always have a favourite.
Like chicken in the morning and smoking on the toilet – pineapple on pizza is very, very wrong.
The religious definition of Heaven is pretty vague really, isn’t it?
Toast should be talked about with a little more respect.

Spo | October 18, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Kaneheads Kompanion

October 16, 2005

“Dream Me” gets really lucky and then gets “Real Me” in trouble….

Yuni: Smiley, I had a dream where I woke up in this bed and you were asleep next to me with another girl in your arms
Cool!
No it was not cool – I was angry as I didn’t know who she was or where she came from or why you would do that
I didn’t – it was a dream
I know – I woke up and saw you sleeping by yourself – I was angry with you for a second and then I realised it was all ok
Well yeah – I didn’t do anything apart from sleep – it really is hard for me to stay out of your bad books if I get in trouble for things dream me does as well as real me
Don’t worry about it now – it was just a horrible dream....
Sounded pretty good to me (then I realised should not of said that last sentence out loud)

October 14, 2005

Surely Not?

I Love Monster Munch
But God Damn It!

This time they’ve gone too far!

Spo | October 14, 2005 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni

October 14, 2005

You’ll get crumbs everywhere…

Yuni: Why won’t you add my Mariah Carey CD to your I-pod?

Spo: My I-pod is a sacred place free from evil
You don’t like Mariah Carey?
Do you know the word Banshee?
No
Well she is a Banshee
What is Banshee
Wailing noisy woman who seems to take up all the oxygen in the room
You don’t think she is attractive?
Not especially.... but I guess I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating biscuits

October 14, 2005

Scrumptious…

Robin called from Holland to get an update on matters in general - I haven’t caused financial meltdown or shipped the wrong container to the wrong part of the world etc - then, as he was about to hang up…

“So do you want me to bring anything back from the western world for you?”

“Monster Munch” - (without missing a beat) -

“What?”

“they’re crisps… in the shape of monsters hands - Rahhh!”

“crisps?”

“yes - get pickled onion flavour - they’re scrumptious”

“I don’t think....”

“Off the top of my head, it’s the only thing I miss that I can think of right now - unless you can also bring the love of a fine English woman”

“rigggghhht - ok - stop drinking so much”

“ok”

October 12, 2005

Top Ten Tommy Cooper….

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - “...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...”

3. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said,”No, the steaks are too high.”

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

5. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.

“My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” said the vet, ”let’s have a look at him”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Becausehe’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy”

6. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ”Can you give me a lift?”

I said ”Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

7. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ”Your round.”

The other one says ”So are you, you fat bastard!”

8. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

9. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ”I’ve hurt my arm in several places”

The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

10. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

October 7, 2005

Films you may not of seen but should - Part 2

Bottle Rocket

They’re not really criminals...

...but everybody’s got to have a dream

Wes Anderson’s 1996 directorial debut was picked by Martin Scorsese as one of his top ten films of the 90’s - that sentence alone should convince you to seek it out if you haven’t already had the pleasure of coming across this relatively unseen slice of genius that comes from the writing talents of Owen Wilson and Anderson.

The story follows the laidback, directionless Anthony (Luke Wilson) upon his release from a mental hospital following a breakdown. He joins up with his long time friend Dignan (Owen Wilson) and sad assed loser pal Bob and they embark upon a series of adventures that culminate in a rather unorthodox robbery under the guidance of the supposedly legendary Mr.Heny (an always brilliant James Cann).

Suffice to say nothing goes to plan.

Anthony – on how he ended up in a mental institute:

One morning, over at Elizabeth’s beach house, she asked me if I’d rather go water-skiing or lay out. And I realized that not only did I not want to answer THAT question, but I never wanted to answer another water-sports question, or see any of these people again for the rest of my life.

I first came across this film playing late night on one of the backwater cable stations – channel flicking around, this oddity stood out enough in the seconds I was flying by to keep me from flicking any further.

You get hooked in by the easy going manner of Luke Wilson’s Anthony playing off the charmingly childlike, yet slightly worryingly insane fervour of Owen Wilson’s Dignan – then the laidback narrative flow, speakeasy dialogue, the perfect soundtrack and lackadaisical humour seal the deal – this isn’t your average heist movie – it’s a Wes Anderson heist movie and nowadays - after Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums and Life Aquatic – people are more likely to know what this is – and if you don’t then “innocent friends trying to commit crime” should give you an idea.

Dignan – explaining his planned heist:

Here are just a few of the key ingredients: dynamite, pole vaulting, laughing gas, choppers - can you see how incredible this is going to be? - hang gliding, come on!

It’s the little things that make up life and it’s the little things that make up Bottle Rocket – the cast of supporting characters such like Applejack and Kumar (also Pagoda in Tenenbaums and Mr. Little jeans in Rushmore), the way Anthony helps Inez clean the motel rooms while conducting an attempt at romancing her, the way Bob’s asshole brother is called “Future man” and there is no reason given for this, Mr Henry’s gardening company being called the “Lawn Wranglers”, Dignan on the mini chopper wearing a bright yellow jumpsuit – there are so many touches added to the tale that tell you that this is a story written by good friends working together – every character conjured, every line added, every piece of music played – all mean something to the writers and actors.

Dignan interviewing Bob for a role in the heist:

Bob Mapplethorpe, potential get-away driver: go!
Bob: Well, I think there’s a real air of mystery about me…
Dignan: Don’t complicate it. Your number one strength is you have a car you can provide. Sell yourself! Start over. Ready, go!

Bob: Okay, alright. I’m a risk taker! I’m growin’ an entire crop of marijuana plants in my parents back yard! I think that shows…
Dignan: Wait, you’re growing an entire crop of marijuana in your back yard?
Bob: Dignan, look. I’m just not very good at this selling-yourself stuff, okay? So, I’m just gonna tell you the truth. I really wanna be a part of this team. And I’m the only one with a car.
Dignan: That’s good. That’s good. ‘Cause that hits me right here.

The Wilson’s and Anderson obviously go back a long way – this is the big screen intro for them all before going on to bigger things – it was originally a short film that the Wilson brothers, who had never acted before, ended up starring in due to the low budget. As a result Columbia pictures green lighted the big screen affair which, although it showed on only a few screens, won a lot of praise and made back it’s budget leading to more offers for the Wilson’s and Anderson - all of whom still remain close with collaborations in all of Anderson’s work so far:

Owen Wilson co-wrote/appeared in Rushmore and Tenenbaums and starred in Life Aquatic – a film that seemed much colder without his writing – Luke Wilson appears in Rushmore and stars in Tenenbaums, while his own as yet unreleased directorial/writer debut, The Wendall Baker Story, also stars Owen - furthermore that film is also co-written with Andrew Wilson – another member of the family who plays Future man in Bottle Rocket, Coach Beck in Rushmore and appears in the Tenenbaums and Zoolander (with Owen).

It’s worth noting the lack of writing credit for Owen Wilson on the Life Aquatic as this is the least enjoyable of Anderson’s films so far – his surf dude demeanour and willingness to get involved with A-list ass-trash like the Haunting & Anaconda, leads some to say there isn’t much going on up inside his head – however, with the writing/acting collaborations on Anderson’s films, his quiet considered performance in the Minus Man and the endlessly quotable comedic turns in Zoolander, Starsky and Hutch and The Wedding Crashers, he should not be dismissed so easily.

But yes the Big Bounce was a indeed a big bag of wank.

Andersons next is an animated adaptation of Roald Dahl’s “The Fantastic Mr. Fox” – his character driven films so far do indeed have a unique charm, understated direction and quality soundtrack - but without the Wilson’s comedic influence it remains to be seen if future projects will live up to the quality of Rushmore, Tenenbaums and this little seen comfy comic gem of genius.

Dignan: Who tripped the alarm, man?

Anthony: It’s the fire alarm!
Dignan: Who tripped the fire alarm?
Anthony: IT’S BECAUSE OF ALL THIS FUCKING SMOKE!

Films you may not of seen but should - Part 1

October 5, 2005

Getting Wise In The Ways Of The Force…..

“I’ve flown from one side of this galaxy to the other and I’ve seen a lot of strange stuff......but I’ve never seen ANYTHING to make me believe that there’s ONE all powerful force controlling EVERYTHING ……….. There’s no mystical energy field controlling my destiny”

Yeah..... but I bet Han never found himself seemingly in love with three different women at the same time, yet having to keep on changing countries just when things got interesting, leading him to think that someone or something is definitely fucking with him.....

October 4, 2005

Nature: Sex is Dangerous

A most dangerous mating process indeed – The female marsupial mouselives for 3 to 4 years, the males only around 11 months, why?

Well, leading up to the July's 2-3 week breeding season, the male marsupial mouse’s testicles swell to ¼ of their overall body weight and this releases an inordinate amount of male testosterone into the blood stream.While this serves to give them an enormous amount of sexual appetite, it also drives them completely. The entire male population goes on a sex-crazed rampage, shagging anything mouse like and female. At the end of it all there's hardly any of the randy little buggers left.

This is because:

· Heart attacks account for quite a few - what with all that stress and worry that comes with feeling that if you aren’t shagging you are going to literally explode.

· The extra testosterone renders their immune system too weak to fight disease and illness.

· Lack of sleep and starvation: too preoccupied having sex to think about food and rest - it’s all shag, shag, shag, and shag.

· By the end of it all, more or less the entire male marsupial mouse population is stone dead – they literally shag themselves out of existence. The females breathe a sigh of relief and go about raising their new born and knitting scarves until it all kicks off again next year.

Fanfuckingtastic work, I trust you'll agree - what a way to go.

Spo | October 4, 2005 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion | News | Ojeni

September 30, 2005

Looking Cool…..

Whilst working in the Warner Cinema in Basingstoke I was assigned to the Ice-cream parlour with the ever-delightful Beverley. I was trying to chat her up while leaning on the freezer, doing none to bad a job in my opinion, when it suddenly came time to go on our breaks.

I went to follow her, but as I did, found that the palms of my hands had stuck to the inside freezer wall – you see I had been leaning back and holding myself steady with my hands in the freezer - and now I couldn’t get them off.

This proved embarrassing and painful for myself and humorously entertaining for both Beverley and customers as first I ripped one hand free giving me excruciating ice burns to the tips of my fingers, while for the other I had to get Beverley to pour hot water over it to get it free.

Looked like a right gibbon and consequently didn’t pull.

September 28, 2005

Trip to hell and back…

STP – is a hallucinogen with no official formula that has a very similar effect to LSD but lasts an awful lot longer. It was handed out at a San Francisco love-in during the celebration of the summer solstice in 1967 to around 3000 hippies, all of whom thought they where getting LSD and would simply be alleviated from their senses for a while.

However 3 days later the terrified still tripping love children made their way to the local hospital where they where given the tranquilizer Thorazine, which counteracts the effects of LSD. Unfortunately Thorazine only serves to fiercely intensify the effects of STP ten fold and the wards where filled with screaming hippies for several more days before it all calmed down.

Or rather come down.

Even better is that STP is supposed to stand for “Serenity, Tranquillity, and Peace”

Schnerf!

Spo | September 28, 2005 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion | News

September 26, 2005

Films you may not of seen but should - Part 1

The Last Seduction

John Dahls 1994 darkly comic, hot-as-hell, noir twister has a stand out career performance from the eminently fuckable Linda Fiorentino as Bridget - the ultimate siren in black - she is the lady you always wanted, that never wanted you - a steel stiletto cold hard calculating bitch of note - if you can get her attention for 5 seconds then you feel that you must be playing a better tune than all the other musicians that tried their luck - and this fills you with misguided confidence and pride - and that is exactly how she wants you to feel - now she will turn the screw and get what she wants and you won’t even know there is a game going on.

Mike: I’m trying to figure out whether you’re a total fucking bitch or not.
Bridget: I am a total fucking bitch.

Who better to fall for it hook line and sinker than a good ol Mike - played by a truly believable slapworthy turn from Peter Berg as an over confident cowpoke who thinks life is exactly like those womens magazines preach when it comes to what a woman really wants. It is very entertaining watching this guy get completely fucked over unawares.

Bridget: You’re my designated fuck.
Mike: What if I don’t want to be?
Bridget: Then I’ll designate someone else.

Add to this a supremely seedy n’ snarling Bill Pullman playing quality more in line with his Daryl from Zero Effect than his embarrassing lets-pretend-to-be-patriotic-president from Independence day - also add the always welcome JT Walsh doing a decent impression of shitbag lawyer and mix together in a super schmooth crime tale that never lets you find the sign for the next stop - bring it all together and you have one hell of a fucking movie.

Frank Griffith: Did anyone check you for a heartbeat?

Overlayed by a sultry Jazz score, Dahls smooth direction drips cool - darkly lit, nothing flashy - lets the story and the characters soak it up - doesn’t treat you like a popcorn-munching-multi-screen-event-movie-numb-nut when it comes to explaining the plot, yet makes sure you have all the information.

Every time you sit in for a Dahl movie you are more or less guaranteed to be going somewhere worthwhile on the wrong side of the law - early films Kill me Again (with Val Kilmer when he was good) and Red Rock West (with Nic Cage when you could stand him) are also little masterpieces - while Rounders (with an excellent Ed Norton and a Team America style Matt Damon) is severely underrated and Joy Ride (aka Road Kill) is suitably enjoyable B-movie Hitcher/Duel style fare as well.

Berg was obviously paying attention to Dahl and went on to direct the over the top yet still refreshingly dark n’ nasty Very Bad Things and more recently the quality small town Billy Bob starring US football tale Friday Night Lights - he’s got talent and is one to watch for his next movie as a director.

Fiorentino makes the film though - she couldn’t be put up for an Oscar as the film aired on TV first - also maybe the Academy wouldn’t have the balls to give it to such a risqué performance - but she is truly worthy - she would of been up against Jessica Lange in ”Blue Sky” (who won), Jodie Foster in ”Nell”(!), Miranda Richardson in ”Tom and Viv”, Winona Ryder (!) in “Little Women” and Susan Sarandon in ”The Client” - if you watch any of those films and then tell me Fiorentino doesn’t do a better job by a country fucking mile then you need to stop taking crack.

She tried to carry on the manner of the role with the fairly awful Joe Eszterhas abomination Jade - a film that thought David Caruso was going to go from NYPD blue to superstar and added sex, guns, car chases and Basic Instinct style plot logic - it sucked the boils on the ass of the Devils Donkey.

Since then she appears every so often, but nothing touches her performance here - perhaps it’s because it may be too close to the real deal - she won her role in Men in Black during a poker game with director Barry Sonnefeld and Kevin Smith admitted to regretting hiring her for Dogma as he found her so difficult to work with.

Still, I’d like a shot at the title - I’d quite happily be her designated fuck any day of the week.

September 17, 2005

Wasted….

When I was young, I thought that colour blind meant that you see everything in black and white… like dogs
Dogs see everything in black and white?

Yup, I think so
So they see the world in some sort of French new wave sixties cinema type of shenanigan?
I guess....
So......how do people find out they’re colour blind?
Well...... I suppose someone says “that’s red” and then the other person says “no.... it’s blue” and the first person says “dude, that’s red, you’re either really stoned.....or colour blind...”
No way – if you’re born colour blind then red is red… even though it’s blue

Eh?
Look.... someone teaches you the name for the colour..... so if you don’t know what red looks like..... then red is red..... even though it’s blue
Eh?
Look.... that there.... is a car, right?
.....right
And you know that coz I just told you.... right?
Well…..
...In the example that you didn’t know what a car was..... and I told you
Ok

So..... you don’t know what the colour red is called
Well ok - Uh uh.....
....and I tell you its red.... so that’s what you know
Ok
Even though you see it’s blue
What?
If you don’t know any different
But.... it’s blue?

Yeah, I know it’s fucking blue.... but the NAME is red to you
Look dude, blue is blue.... red is red.... that’s all I know
.....and if you were fucking colour blind from birth, it could be the opposite and you wouldn’t know any different.... OK?
Eh?

Spo | September 17, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Kaneheads Kompanion

September 11, 2005

When I grow up I want to be Ron Burgundy

Best of Burgundy!

“Great Odin’s Raven!”

“Son of a bee-sting!”

“Knights of Columbus, that hurt!”

“By the beard of Zeus!”

“Sweet Lincoln’s mullet!”

“(to baxter the dog) You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair”

“What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole… wheel of cheese? How’d you do that? Heck, I’m not even mad; that’s amazing! How ‘bout we get you in your p.j.’s and we hit the hay”

“I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly..”

“I wanna say something. I’m gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don’t, send it right back. I want to be on you”

“I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany”

“The only way to bag a classy lady is to give her two tickets to the gun show… [kisses his biceps] and see if she likes the goods”

“I believe you have an absolutely breathtaking heiney. I would like to become friends with it”

“I’m gonna punch you in the ovary, that’s what I’m gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker”

Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!
Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry!
Ron: Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island!
Veronica: Well you… have bad hair!

Ron: You’ve got a dirty whorish mouth.

Veronica Corningstone: Oh, Ron, there are literally thousands of men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 per cent sure that I love you!

Brian Fantana: It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon; it’s illegal in nine countries. It’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good
Ron Burgundy: [after smelling the Sex Panther cologne] It’s a formidable scent. It stings the nostrils. Why, to be honest with you, Brian, it smells like pure gasoline.
Brian: They’ve done studies, you know. Sixty percent of the time it works every time.
Ron: That doesn’t make sense.

Veronica Corningstone: My God, what is that smell? Oh!

Brian Fantana: (wearing ‘sex panther’ ) That’s the smell of desire my lady
Veronica: God no, it smells like, like a used diaper… filled with… Indian food! Oh, excuse me
Brian: You know, desire smells like that to some people
Garth Holliday: What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair

News Station Employee: it Smells like Bigfoot’s dick!

Brian Fantana: People call me the Bry man; I’m the stylish one of the group. I know what you’re asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the Octagon, but I also nick named my testes - my left one is James Westfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.

Ed Harken: Apparently, my son was on something called “Acid,” and was shooting a bow and arrow into a crowd.

Ed Harken: [on the phone with his son] Put down the gun, and let the marching band go! We’ll play it off as a prank.

Ron: You stay classy, San Diego. I’m Ron Burgundy?
Ed Harken: Dammit! Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?

Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly… I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch!
Ron: It did, didn’t it?

Brick Tamland: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!
Ron: I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
Brick: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!
Ron: Brick, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you’re probably wanted for murder.

“I’m Ron Burgundy,

go fuck yourself, San Diego”

Spo | September 11, 2005 | Comments
Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni

September 4, 2005

On a Lighter Note….

RacecaR and KayaK
Same right to left
As left to right.
Got anymore for me?

Spo | September 4, 2005 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni

August 31, 2005

That’s what I like to see – Dedication to the tea

Left unplucked and unpruned, tea bushes will turn to tea tree’s - During the 16th century, the Emperor of the Yunnan province of China liked a certain type of tea but his servants couldn’t reach high enough to pluck the tips needed for his favourite brew.

So the Emperor had specially trained monkeys pick the leaves for him meaning he could continue to enjoy his favourite brew.

And such practices continue to this day

That’s what I like to see – Dedication to the tea.

Spo | August 31, 2005 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion | News | Ojeni

August 30, 2005

True Faith In The Rush…

Dan’s post on Football Violence got me thinking – shame the sport is associated with such practices and although I can see the primeval reasoning for the tribal clashes, like Dan I can’t agree with or condone such actions due to the spiraling effects these clashes have for others caught up in it and the name of football in general – bunch of guys want to meet up and knock the seven shades out of each other – some would say “if that’s what gets them high and they are all consenting to the practice, duking it out in the middle of nowhere – fight club right?” – the argument against being ultimately they are doing it in everyone elses backyard and they need to be protected from themselves if that’s their drug of choice – they take so much down with them chasing their adrenaline Fight club hit - that discussion is over at Not the New Scientist – but it got my mind leading elsewhere…

….then this weekend I watched War Photographer about 2 years in the life of James Nachtwey , a celebrated award winning photographer (some say the greatest ever in his field) and someone you should definitely check out via the link and tracking down the documentary if you can – startling real life images grab your attention and take you right into the heart of the situation – I watched and knew this guy was an artist and that his pictures highlight situations to try and bring the world in on such matters – to be our eyes in the storm – but my thoughts on the rush began to gather momentum – that this guy was so reserved, laid back, aloof and detached in real life, yet when he was taking pictures he got as close as possible – right there alongside – and it seemed he changed into a different person then – he says he channels the emotion of what he sees into his work – truly tremendous work – that’s how he deals with it – that’s why he gets so close – to fully suck it in.

“I have been a witness, and these pictures are
my testimony. The events I have recorded should
not be forgotten and must not be repeated.”
-James Nachtwey-

One of the interviewees says of the man “the time you feel closest to death is the time you have felt well and truly alive” – now this guy is by no means simply a rush junkie – there’s obviously more to what he does than the guy base jumping off the Eiffel tower - but when it flows through you like water from a broken dam – dry eyes wide – mouth open – heart halting – the Holy Fuck moment – pure experiencing – that must be at least part of what drives him to take a step closer when all others take a step back.

That we need to be near to the edge to feel like this – that you have to risk something of equal measure to attain this level of rush in return – you have to put it all on the roulette wheel bet on black or red and let it spin – idiotic to risk so much to feel like this? adrenaline junkies? Or in fact searching for a much needed wake up call? To go through life never having touched that place? To know what the human body is capable of? To never know how high you can go?

(Click for lyrics)

The other week I was running and listening to Paul Van Dyk, going with the music, this wave of euphoria hit me, it worked its way from the back of my head, as though someone had put a hot towel over me just after coming in from the ice cold - take that feeling and multiply it by a 1000 – that’s too vague perhaps – difficult to describe – New Order said it better - I feel so extraordinary - like something’s got a hold of me - I get this feeling I’m in motion - a sudden sense of liberty – they call it joggers high, but Holy Fuck, to be this strong I thought I was recalling the stratospheric times of drug fueled wonder from the past – a sensory flashback – back on the terrace of the Plymouth Warehouse on Union street or enveloped by the smoke screen of the Brunel Rooms, looking down from the Opera House balcony – I wouldn’t say feeling like a million dollars – as I don’t think money buys this sensation – it can buy the items that create the sensation – but the feeling its self is priceless - I kept running – faster and faster – my heart rate hit 190 – then I started to come down – in many ways – that kind of rush – that adrenaline hit – achieved this time without the chemical encouragement – unless as I say, it was a total recall – not possible without the sensory memories of the past – but still the body created that feeling again….

Maybe it was a total recall from the Homelands drugged up Bungee – idiot boy am I, pills make pupils dilate, I feel fucking great but coulda busted my heart rate – but that day I said – I don’t care coz I’m not there - I don’t care if I’m here tomorrow - again and again I’ve taken too much - of the things that cost you too much - feeling good enough I wanted to see if it could get better – ecstasy + bungee = award of Holy Fuck Me! – I haven’t smiled so much for so long ever since. These days simply going on the London Eye freaks me out to be honest. These days not so stupid perhaps… well the car thing was stupid…

Other times I recall feeling flight like this – Pirate Galleon - Chessington world of adventures - aged 13 – sitting at the back – the HUGE ship went vertical – holds its position - I was lifted from my seat – mid air – bar wasn’t tight enough – I felt myself falling forwards for a second – then the boat swung forward and the seat collected me again – but that second I was in the air – staring at the vertical drop – Holy Fuck - that was terrifying yet my senses tingle thinking about it even now – (that’s got to be a hell of a way to go by the way – fall out – vertical drop – hit the concrete pit below – then as you raise what’s left of you, the boat swings down, grinds you into the floor and flings what’s left into the wide blue yonder – Death by Pirate Galleon – name a worse way to go and I’ll give thee kudos – I still won’t go on those rides again to this day)

Barnes, Kirsty and I sitting in a field waiting our turn – smoke the good smoke – then comes the call – 5pm last flight - two days of basic training we were about to be flung out a plane at 3000ft while a wire attached would pull the cord – they said all you gotta do is fall, direct yourself to the drop site and try not to fuck up the landing – yeah and what about the bit were you tell yourself this makes sense as you hang in the open doorway as the engine noise roars, the wind howls and below there are wheat fields that look like knee patches and villages that look like lego? That bit – right there – that Holy Fuck moment – when you jump and let go – your body and your brain is telling you it makes no sense damn it – but you do it anyway – those 4 seconds of tumbling freefall before the shoot opens were indeed a rush – but I think it was the first second looking down and letting go I always remember.

The chances are - we’ve gone to far - you took my time and you took my money -
Now i feel you’ve left me standing - in a world that is so demanding

In Hanoi on the back of Tri’s motorcycle sans helmut – piece of shit bike with no indicators, wing mirrors, petrol gauge or speedometer – he pulls out round the bus in front as we turn left out the box junction into the two lane one way strip - but here comes the truck from the right pouring into the same lane at speed – I felt the kick of the gears as I looked back at the trucks engine gauge gathering force - must of made it by inches – horns blared the bus braked hard we pulled infront and the truck broke past us – people pointed stared wide eyed – giddy laughter – Beechawaawaa - pull over you damn dirty Ewok – I need to take the breath that was nearly stolen - Holy Fuck.

My morning sun is drug that brings me near - to a child I lost replaced by fear - Jumping off the Death slide at Typhoon Lagoon aged 14 – impress the Cali girl in the Bikini – foolish boy – Ok, jump and don’t look down – too late - those initial seconds were special Holy fuck moments – as you catch some air, just falling before the slide and water takes you again - I spent the rest of the day with the attendants voice ringing in my ears “what ever you do, don’t uncross your legs” I certainly regretted not following that advice but I didn’t regret jumping.

The time after Brunel’s, Dibs and I drove up the road from mine to Anna’s at 3am – flying on something foreign to the body – but it’s a short drive – pulled the blind corner without stopping at the top of the hill – green van missed us by inches – lights, horns, tires – then nothing - what are the chances – middle of nowhere – 3am – but still – Holy Fuck.

Same with the car crash – both of them actually (just remembered the other one in UK) - boom goes the dynamite – tree’s and bushes flash up in view and then are sucked under the wheels – what the fuck? Where’s the road gone? Girls screaming - walls approaching - seems like we’re watching this on the big screen windscreen - then we’re back on the flat – Holy Fuck we’re ok – silence – then laughter – can’t think when I’ve said fuck so much in such a short space of time

And it seems strange that every time after these moments I came away grinning like the Cheshire Cat won the lottery, a bag of coke and a weekend at the playboy mansion.

And it seems that every time my last words on this earth would’ve been “HOLY FUCK”

I used to think that the day would never come - that my life would depend on the morning sun

I don’t think like that anymore – but I don’t fully regret the times I did - behind so much of what goes on in life there are people chasing that feeling of extraordinary liberty – trying to recapture the child of pure rush, now replaced by fear in a world so demanding - whether they know it or not - running towards that Morning sun which can destroy them - then jumping into the shade at the last moment, before everything burns to cinder.

August 29, 2005

Where have all the half Monkeys gone?….

Mari-Jo made me muse upon the thought of if we all evolved from monkeys you must have had various monkeys all co-existing with each other while at various stages of the evolutionary scale – monkeys, half monkeys and good ol’ Neanderthal man, so where pray tell have all the half monkeys gone? – so instead of sitting there just wondering about it I decided to go and loo k it up and here is a brief selection of what I discovered:

98.4% of our genes are the same as the chimpanzee
Chimpanzees can use sign language for terms as abstract as “like” and “different”.
Imagine a human chain where a girl stands with her left hand holding the right hand of her mother, who in turn is holding the right hand of her mother with her left and so on and so on. In order for the chain to reach the chimpanzee it would only need to go on for an astoundingly short 300 miles. (which is short when you think of millions of years etc)
It has been recently revealed that female monkeys have affairs with males from other monkey tribes and keep it a secret from members of her own group.

So azz you can c, zee chimpanzee iz perhaps ze half monkey missing link I woz musing about. Bet they have been nipping off and rolling joints for years while the documentary makers haven’t been looking – swinging in trees, lying in the sun, having lots of sex and eating bananas. Splendid. Makes you wonder who evolved from who when you read that.

(click the Gun toting Glock Monkey for more nature with Spo)

August 24, 2005

Yawning is very contagious….

Yawn

Go on

you know you want to

there you go

feels good

don’t it?

Spo | August 24, 2005 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion

August 22, 2005

More Hazards of being a Tea Taster….

DO NOT underestimate

the hateful terrorising powers

of Sour Milk.

Spo | August 22, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Kaneheads Kompanion

August 21, 2005

Never say Potato again….

We discovered that Johnny Walker Black is actually a lot stronger than I’ve ever given it credit for and an empty bottle at the end of the evening means you will certainly suffer the next day.

During the same discovery I broke out the James Bond Potato title thing again - take the titles of James Bond films and replace vital words with “potato” while alleviated from your senses:

· The Spy Who Loved Potato’s
· The Man with the Golden Potato
· Diamonds are Potato’s
· On Her Majesty’s Secret Potato etc etc

It looks a little lame in the cold hard sober light of day - but try it next time you are wasted - I haven’t laughed that hard in ages - but I also haven’t been that drunk in ages as well.

I really do like Whisky but sometimes it can really pull the rug out from under your feet.

August 20, 2005

Things that sound like Obi Wan Kenobi should of said them….

“Laws are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of the wise, young Skywalker”

Spo | August 20, 2005 | Comments
Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni

August 19, 2005

To Have Caught Him Doin It….

Lance: Still got your Malibu?
Vincent: Aw, man. You know what some fucker did the other day?
Lance: What?
Vincent: Fucking keyed it.
Lance: Oh, man, that’s fucked up.
Vincent: Tell me about it. I had it in storage for three years, it was out for five days and some dickless piece of shit fucked with it.

Lance: They should be fucking killed. No trial, no jury, straight to execution.
Vincent: Boy, I wish I could’ve caught him doing it. I’d have given anything to catch that asshole doing it. It’d been worth him doing it just so I could’ve caught him doing it.
Lance: What a fucker!
Vincent: What’s more chickenshit than fucking with a man’s automobile? I mean, don’t fuck with another man’s vehicle.
Lance: You don’t do it.
Vincent: It’s just against the rules.

We went for lunch at Citos and I parked in my usual fashion - that is to drive straight into a zone without the need for any parallel or reverse malarkey - I have gotten this far in life without being able to park so I may aswell continue - life is simpler this way.

Upon returning the alarm key failed to flash - the car was already open - seems as though I’d left it unlocked - my fault for always walking away and pretending to be a gun fighter - sometimes you miss when you think you shot the guy - you’re not that good, punkass - then Robin noticed the sports bag was gone - fuck it - I was going to get a haircut and go the gym after work - brought the bag - normally I’d go home first pick up my gear and then go - but I look like a scarecrow and it all worked out so well time wise - feckity feck feckaloona-feckass feckstein - congratulations you fuckwit.

First off reaction is that this is the karmatic punishment for being a doofus and thinking you are Jesse James with a key alarm (sometimes I do the gun shot sound effects - I am Jacks childish ambition) - leave your car unlocked, this is what happens fucko - gotta buy new shirt, shorts, socks, shoes - ah..... the I-pod - cuntbubble - in the end that burns due to the cost but not the love - the music is important and that sits safe on the laptop - these things can be grudgingly replaced - congratulations on the score - you didn’t steal it, I let you take it......

.....but then later on I can’t find my apartment keys - fucktabulous - fine, I’ll sit around for the replacements and there is no link to where I live meaning a change of locks - but those keys had my god damned real-scorpion-in-amber-Jurassic-park-style-key-ring-attached - I found it in some freaky Hanoi street stall - it scares children - its a Mean Motor Schooler Scorpion Frozen In Time God Damn It.....

......and then I realise my dark blue loafing T-shirt was in there - cost next to nothing - seems millions of years old - made by no one famous - but my most treasured shirt by far - in that I am Dark Blue Golden - now gone forever - the places that shirt and I have been....

......and then to stick the knife in - I look for my baseball cap to pen in the scarecrow effect - my baseball cap with the picture of a bull dog on the front - like Spike out of Tom and Jerry - except a more bad ass version - a Veitnam veteran Spike perhaps - a Spike who will break a few eggs to make an omelette - and its one of the few baseball caps I’ve encountered in life that actually fits on my stupidly shaped melon head - unlike the average cap it doesn’t make me look like king of the super doofus people - it was in the bag - now to be seen adorning some light fingered Indonesian opportunistic fiend.... oh how now the blood boils.....

....Boy, I wish I could’ve caught him doing it....

....I’d have given anything to catch that asshole doing it....

It’d been worth him doing it just so I could’ve caught him doing it

I swear if I see some skanky assed Indonesian motherfucker wearing a Liverpool shirt, Bulldog baseball cap, black trainers, carrying an airwalk bag while listening to a bashed up I-pod playing Manu Chau’s ‘the bongo tune’

I’m gonna find myself a blowtorch and get medieval on his ass.

August 18, 2005

Genius in the Simplicity……

Wil E Coyote - his genius was never rewarded

While meloncollyfloweredupinadubdaze sitting on hill at Creamfields in 1998, Mari-Jo made me ask why someone hasn’t invented a device that acts like the P.K.E meter out of Ghostbusters or the motion tracker from Aliens that allows you to find your friends at music festivals.

It would be so simple - each of your clan carries a little device in thier pocket which sends a unique signal to your tracker and you follow the little dots until you are reunited.

Maybe it could be intergrated with mobile phones in some way and work independent of the service reception which is never good at these things - even if you do get a connection and they hear the phone ringing in the first place conversations with people at such events generally consist of ”what? I can’t hear you?” “I’m over here!” “what” “by the speaker” “eh?”.

So easy to get lost at those things even when you are sober of mind - wandering wasted you’ve got no hope of seeing anyone again unless chance is kind....

I read in the sunday times a guy called Charles Melcher invented the beach book - pages that are immune to water, sand, suntan lotion - 750,000 copies sold - best sellers about to be issued in such a format - he’s moving onto water resistant diving manuals and grease proof cooking books - genius in the simplicity - but obvious for all this time - and in the article the guy didn’t come across as being one of histories greatest thinkers - just a lucky son of a bitch that dropped his book in the pool one day and thought to himself ”that sucks” ”someone should do something about that” - then suddenly - Boom goes the dynamite! - you’re a millionaire on easy street.

Genius in the simplicity.....

August 16, 2005

Sometimes Nature is Not Cool….

The 1 inch long Candiru is the only vertebrate known to be an internal parasite of humans. When you answer the call of nature while bobbing in the waters of the world, this nasty little fella swims up your urinary tract and once in there can’t be removed without resorting to surgery.

This is because of the erectile spines on it’s head and gill covers that mean you can’t remove it without taking what it’s attached to along with it (perhaps an analogy would be trying to pull a fir tree backwards through a basketball hoop).

To make matters even worse these spines pierce the hosts skin and drink the blood of their victim’s….

......anyways point being, that is some very nasty shit so do not pee in de sea (or rivers of South America).

Dread the the day Pesky Scientists discover this creature and try and find a cure for cancer resulting in something going horribly wrong and they are accidentally unleashed in waterways all over the world.

Spo | August 16, 2005 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion

August 15, 2005

The Hazards of being a Tea Taster….

Steam - subtle - but wily and dangerous....

Spo | August 15, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Kaneheads Kompanion

August 14, 2005

Do Not Mix….

It was a long time ago

But I'm finally ready to admit

I may have over reacted

So I got this T-shirt made

Yours Sincerely

Spo

August 14, 2005

The Deadly Teenage Lothario…..

Nobody likes desperation or ultimatatums - its good advice - you should tread carefully to make sure the message gets across without accidentally straying into these two minefields of cringeworthiness.

Bearing this in mind I have decided that the best way to tell a girl how you feel is as follows - I’m going to sing her a song complete with dance routine like this spotty spindly ginger Michael Jackson impersonator - he wanted to impress a girl called Aicha so sent her this webcam video - luckily some god like individual shared it on the internet - what woman could resist this deadly teenage lothario’s charms

(for those on a dial up the above link is 5.4MB, but I think the dance routine at the end is one of the greatest movements to music this world will ever see)

Spo | August 14, 2005 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni | Videos & Links

August 13, 2005

Genius Movie Quote Malarky….

In the same way that Barnes asked for a band name at 5am - should he of asked for a the best movie quote in the existance of cinema I would of said:

Max Fischer: I like your nurse’s uniform, guy.

Dr. Peter Flynn: These are O.R. scrubs.

Max Fischer: O. R. they?

More Rushmore quotes

August 12, 2005

Unconscious wisdom….

Yesterday afternoon I had a vague flashback of getting text messages in the middle of the night (my friends in UK never really get that I am 6 hours ahead of them - that or they simply don’t care and like waking me up) - I checked my phone and found the following:

Barnes: 535am - how about this for a name of a band? The Commentator
Spo: 536am - ill Gotten Gains
Barnes: 540am - What! For a band name? Perfect!
Spo: 548am - yes - now sleep

Later I told Barnes that ”The Commentator” sounds like a communist newspaper and also reminds me of the Communards - neither of which are a good thing to be associated with when naming a band I feel. I say go with my instantaneous dream world derived reaction of ”Ill Gotten Gains” - sounds a bit like a bad assed outlaw or a serial killer I guess, but it is quite enjoyable to say.

Like Cellar Door.

Or Confucius Crocodile.

Other suggestions welcome.

August 10, 2005

And what drink would you like with your meal sir?….

This was from the actual snake restaurant

we went to end of last year

I’ve got some fairly gruesome video clips of the whole cutting out the still beating heart and drinking it thing - but they are on my nokia phone and I’m not sure how to host on the site - plus the MB size would be difficult to upload using this shitty Indo dial up I have.

Plus I have made the ladies in the audience feel sick enough I think (so don’t keep scrolling if this is the case)

Below is from the kicthens - they skin the snakes which are still thrashing around - don’t know what the deal is with snakes but even when they cut the hearts out they still keep on going for a bit.

Freaky reptile little bastards.

Once the skinning and killing is done they chop and grind the whole thing and your meal consists of pure snake - cooked, boiled, grilled and any other cooking type euphemism you can think of. They even go as far as to make a whisky using the snakes… erm.... apendages - as shown by Tri below:

The words I think you are looking for are:

“No Fucking Way!”

The Answer is:

“Yes Way!”

Snakes are Scrumptious

spread the word

August 5, 2005

Star Wars in a Bag….

Ahh the happy memories as the writing cascades towards the top of the screen.... Invasion of small ship carrying the lovely Leia, run you Droidy fools! Don’t fire, no life forms aboard! Vader and his foul stench! “U are part of the rebel alliance and a traitor! Take her away!!” Jawas! Little trampy midget dellboys! buy these droids Owen, thery’re cool “Uteeni!” “But dad I wanted to go to the Toshi station and pick up some power converters!” Come back here punk farm-boy Skywalker shouts after lil Artoo does a runner, Ben Kenobi booyakkas the sand-folk! “Help me Obi wan your our only hope dagnamnit!” Uncle Owen! Aunt Peru! Shit! They’re skeletons! “U must come with me to Alderan if you are to learn the ways of the force!” Cantina band & the chopped off hand! Check dat tune! Solo mixing it up tells Greedo can kiss it! Docking bay 94 kicks off! leg it! Alderan got knocked the fuck out! wait up! that’s no moon mother fucker! Chewie! lock in the artillery power how many times do you need to be told! Tractored bugger! “the princess?! she’s here?!” rich eh? Hairy Prisoner transport Shoot em! shoot em all! Boring conversation anyway! into the compactor after you’re a little short for a Storm-Trooper! 3PeeO sort out that garbage 363427! “Get this walking carpet out of my way!” Obi sorts the tractor beam and has mystical comeuppance at Darth’s hands, ok though as he can speak from beyond the normal world! Swing that chasm, hold on to that princess & Get on that ship and fuck those Tie fighters the fuck up! Don’t get cocky kid! “Whaddya think a princess and a guy like me?” “NO!” (easy Luke she’s your sister mate) Destroy a Death Star? I’m up 4 it! “Moneys all you care about if that’s all you want then that’s all you will receive!” Hans’s outta there, thinks its suicide! Luke’s Red 5 leading the way! “They came from behind!” “Gold leader to red 5 get set up for your attack run! Arggghhhh!” Hey! Smug General! we have analysed their attack and there is a chance...”evacuate!?! in out moment of triumph! I think you overestimate their chances!” Luke, Wedge and wimpy tache boy Biggs go for the big money shot as Darth scoots around causing all manner of mayhem! Just like Beggars Canyon! “Wedge get outta there you can’t do any more good!” Wedge blags it while tache boy gets it! Luke use the bloody force son! Luke you’ve turned off your targeting computers are you fucking mad?! 1 minute to rebel base destruction! “The force is strong with this one must be related or somat!” “I’ve lost Artoo!” “I have you now!” “VAT!” “Yahoo! lets blow this thing kid and go home!” Luke shoots his load Sparkle! Sparkle! Boom shakalak! Princess looks ravishing Han gives her a cheeky wink! he’s in there! Medals! Medals! Medals! Medals! …none for Chewie though. …End.

Spo | August 5, 2005 | Comments
Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion

July 29, 2005

Greatest Picture ever?….

Far too Cool for Skool

July 28, 2005

Legend….

From High Concept:

“Nicholson, Newman recalled, would come straight from the set to Evan’s house, stay high all night and then go straight back to Warner Bros the following morning”

(This is after three of them had hired hookers and stayed up all night doing drugs)

“Nothing is as funny as seeing Jack do lines, Watching him put the bill or straw up to his nose and snort always reminds me of the scene in the Shining where he breaks through the door
and says “Here’s Johnny!”

Due to a deal linked to a % of the films receipts, Jack Nicholson ended up being paid $60 million for appearing in Batman. $10 million more than the entire movie actually cost to make.

He was off his face the whole time.

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”

Jack Nicholson

Spo | July 28, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Film / TV / Music | Kaneheads Kompanion

July 28, 2005

Pesky Scientists Golf Day….

Dooley tests out what happens when you feed a Grizzly Bear too much Whisky in an attempt to figure out a cure for Alcoholism - he doesn’t have the departmental funds to study the Bears gradual descent into dependence - so he gives it a wheel-barrow full of honey flavoured amphetamines to speed things along....then at the scientists golf day....

Shit! That wasn’t supposed to happen!

Angry Sarge on the left with the Navy jumper: God Damn it! Bears again! third time in a week! I told the commission not to allow women golfers on the course! - I told them bears are attracted to the menstruation cycle! - I’m going to ram the head of my golf club so far up the chairman’s ass the only way he’ll get round this fucking course is if he plays it doing a fucking handstand - No body fucks with the R.Lee Emery Golf day!

Green hat wearing dude on the right: Wait! my lucky ball! I gotta go back for my lucky ball! my father gave me that ball! he wore that uncomfortable piece of spherical plastic up his ass for 7 years in that Hanoi pit of hell he was trapped in back in Nam! I gotta go back for my lucky ball!

Yellow hat wearing dude in the middle: Don’t be a fool Denny! Nooooooooo!

Bear: RARRRRGHHHHH (translation: I want more fucking Whisky Now! You nature meddling Cock-knockers!)

Spo | July 28, 2005 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni

July 27, 2005

News Flash….

Whisky is Sneaky

July 26, 2005

Pesky Scientists….

Shit! that wasn’t supposed to happen!

We went by the Duty free alcoholic mecca whse, showed our passports and picked up a fine collection of mind embellishing liquors - we then went to see our DVD girls at Ratu Plaza and were greeted by ever ready charming smiles, cleavage and an influx of dollar a disc quality new arrivals - West Wing season 5, The Shield Season 3, Lost, CSI New York and 24 season 4 to name but a few - Indonesian TV, bar the exceptions of ESPN, HBO and BBC, could be described as somewhat lacking if I was being kind - but I’m not - if I’m being honest I’d say it sucks giant hairy bobbing man ass - therefore you have to make your own schedules.

Back at my Robins house the night eased into a pleasant haze of barbecues, wine & whisky, shooting the humidity with conversation, good company and the movie Crash - an LA set short cuts style bubbling racial tension tale following the likes of Matt Dillon, Don Cheadle, Sandra Bullock & Thandie Newton - pretty cool film - if a little heavy on the coincidences of characters coming across one another to move the story along - general gist is that folk should try to take a step back before succumbing to attitudes fuelled by racial stereotypes - and also those that feel persecuted in this manner should stop dropping back into the stereotype whenever they feel the world is against them - it doesn’t get too preachy though and most of the characters are believable. Solid cut above movie making.

But Movies don’t always have to be that way for me - here’s one that caught my eye at the DVD place - Glass Trap - Giant Ants attack (post to come below this) - I’m a sucker for monster movies - I loved the Deep Blue sea and FrankenFish for example - it’s always those pesky scientists - Goodness Gracious how they love to meddle with nature and then take it too far in the name of doing the greater good - I always imagine them informing the generals at HQ that yet another experiment with a dangerous creature has gone awry - take the deep blue sea for example:

Sir = R Lee Emery - the sarge from Full Metal Jacket

Dooley = Floyd - Brad Pitts character from True Romance who sits on a couch smoking bowls all film.

Hi Sir

Dooley, I hear that you might have something to tell me - good news by any chance?

(Dooley looks at the floor and shuffles his shoes) erm not exactly sir…

Aha - what a surprise - it’s always the same with you isn’t it Dooley? - one thing after another - Rollerblading Giraffes on amphetamines to make them out run poachers, Hippo’s needing false teeth reacting badly to the laughing gas, 100 Monkeys and type writers and too much whisky.....what is it now?

Well sir… you know that 10 million dollars you gave me?

Yeah - when I asked what it was for you said ”it’s a surprise” laughed and ran away - that was 7 months ago - do I now have to prepare myself to be surprised in a ”hey, it’s all my family here to celebrate my 50th birthday” kinda way, or in a ”shit you just made a crocodile with two heads and it ate the chief of police” kinda way?

Erm.... the latter sir.....

SHIT! God damn it Dooley! what’ve you gone and done now?!

Sharks sir....

Oh Sweet Jesus Mary Mother of God!!!!

Erm.... secret underwater base in the middle of the pacific…

Dooley, this is sounding like I am gonna have to rip you a new one.

What the fuck was it now? buttered bread landing butter side up?

Alzheimer’s...

Alzheimer’s! for fucks sake Dooley! Sharks don’t get Alzheimer’s!

I know sir - but we thought if we made the sharks brains big enough, we could give them Alzheimer’s and then cure it…

So what in Gods name happened?!

They got really clever, started swimming backwards really fucking fast, teaming up on people, doing detective work and grew a shit load more teeth....

Jesus Mary St Joseph Dooley! - anything else!?

They can open doors

What! are you shitting me here son?

No! they really can...it’s so cool!

Dooley, I’m going to get my nuts fucked on this one and if that happens, guess what you’ll be going swimming with, you sorry sack of shit…

I’m sorry sir - we had the best of intentions - we just wanted to cure Alzheimer’s sir.

Dooley, why oh why won’t you stick to lab rats like everybody else??!

I know, I know.... I just want to have a little excitement around while I’m pushing the boundaries of science....

Pushing the boundaries of science!....I’m going to push my foot up your god damned ass if you don’t sort this out son.

No, no, no - don’t worry the sharks blew up - LL Cool J killed them - and all the evidence sank to the bottom of the ocean.

Is LL Cool J in the loop on this? he better be shutting the fuck up about it all - I don’t want to turn on MTV and have that motherfucker singing about crazy assed killer super sharks and him busting a cap in their ass - you hear me son!?

No, no, It’s ok - LL is golden - he’s not about the violence - he just knocked those motherfuckers out like his momma told him to.

Ok then Dooley - but I want this shit storm locked down - no leaks you here me? I got enough problems with snake head fish down in Louisiana, some radioactive goo and then a bunch of swamp dwellers without heads.

Was that Jameson’s work sir?

Yeah....little fucknut was trying to cure cancer again......

July 26, 2005

The Glass Trap - Monster Movies are not always cool….

The Gla ss Trap - the story of how a cleaner and a bitchy magazine execs assistant meet and fall in love (well, agree to go for coffee) set against the backdrop of an invasion of angry giant radio active ants. Really.

”Starring” C.Thomas Howell former member of the 80’s brat pack and films such as the Outsiders, Soul man, the Hitcher, Red Dawn and erm… The Hitcher 2? he also married and divorced Rae Dawn Chong who I always thought has a really cool name.

Directed by Fred Olson Ray who also brought the world Bikini a Go Go, The Bikini Escort Company, Genie in a String Bikini, Bikini Airways, Bikini Hoe-Down, Bikini Drive-In, Scream Queen Hot Tub Party, and the classic Hollywood Ch ainsaw Hookers - tag line ”they charge an arm and a leg”. One suspects after watching the Glass trap, that the names of these films are about as enjoyable as they get.

In 1998 Fred tried a change of direction and made Dear Santa - remarkably it didn’t meet with fame and success so he went back to making things like 13 Erotic Ghosts - it was for the best.

Movie went as follows:

1 min - Starts with garden nursery worker Miguel looking mildly confused by on rushing camera and chopstick clicking noises - cut to blood spattered on leaf - I’m not sure but I think Miguel might be dead. Shame - he turns out to be the most likeable character in this monkey bath of a movie.

2 min - After a remarkably professional looking beginning sequence considering the shit that follows - we meet our hero and heroine - C Thomas Howell plays the kind hearted ex-con cleaner in a large office building (the glass trap) - some babe half his age plays a secretary type person called Sharon working for a bitchy magazine exec - bitchy lady throws cigarette on floor - Sharon looks over at our forlorn looking hero and then down at the smouldering cigarette - ”I’m sorry” she says and leans down to pick it up - ”no! no! that’s ok” protests our hero - ”no I’ll get it” - ”no, no, no I’ll get it” he says and crouches down to headbutt the squatting heroine in the worst two people going for the same thing and accidentally headbutting each other scene in the existence of cinema.

3 mins - ”I’m sorry, are you ok?” he says helping her up as she laughs apologetically (or at the script) - she places cigarette in his hand - they look at each other with very loving eyes - bitchy lady summons her to the opening lift - girl looks back for fleeting loving glance over the shoulder style

C Thomas Howell looks smug - if we could read his characters mind he would be thinking :

“ah! the old crouching headbutt trick - never fails - I truly am one smooth fucker“

Sharon the babe gets in the lift and as doors close, looks at our hero with wry smile and yet more loving eyes - this is despite the fact that from that angle she couldn’t possibly see him.

8 mins - planty tree like things arrive from garden nursery on a trolley about the size of the average one you’d find in a supermarket - there are supposed to be hundreds of giant ants hidden in here.

9 mins - FBI Agent from the ministry of Agriculture (?!?) arrives at the nursery - apparently there is some illegally imported fauna in the area (shit!) - she’s here to investigate - if investigating can be called looking confused, stating the obvious and having no effect on proceedings in any way what so ever for the entire fucking movie.

10 mins - FBI woman sees dead body of Miguel and faints. Worst fainting ever in a movie. It’s almost as though she got down on her hands and knees and rolled over going ”ohhhhh”

22 mins - Random man hits our C Thomas Howell over the head with a duck carving. he then says ”guess you should of ducked”. This man seems to have done this for no reason.

23 mins - A giant Ant breaks through the floor (or rather a stage hand pushes it through a hole) - it looks like a blackcurrant balloon animal and is about the size of a small child. Sharon is not impressed.

36 mins - “random duck wielding man” gets stuck in a lift and then attacked by one of the blackcurrant inflatables - he attacks it with the mightiest of weapons - a ball point pen - he proceeds to roll around and throw himself about while the ant makes no movements what so ever - off camera people seem to be making squeaking noises. It’s almost as bad as when Schwarzenegger fought that giant inflatable snake in Conan the Barbarian.

40 mins - quote:

Random techie scientist geek: you know Miguel, the body we found earlier today? I was doing prelim on him and I took blood and tissue samples.. just to check....I found traces.... significant traces..... of formic acid - since this guy seemed to be in the same shape I did a quick check on him and guess what I found....
Sheriff: I’m going to go out on a limb here and say formic acid
RTSG: BINGO!!!....... you don’t get it do you? formic acid is not a naturally occurring element in the human body
Fainting FBI: are you saying that’s how they were killed?
RTSG: no you couldn’t kill somebody with it unless you drowned them with it - I checked it out - formic acid is the active ingredient in the saliva of the capres-noogus-extrira-peas (latin sounding bollocks)
Fainting FBI: OH MY GOD!

Sheriff: the what!?
RTSG: the victims were eaten.... by ANTS!

56mins - Women in bikini’s turn up for no reason what so ever. Unless a random fashion shoot on the roof of the ”Glass trap” is a reason. Good Fred, had to get his Bikini fix in here somewhere.
57mins - Bitchy lady dies after ants drag her back into an airvent - I think the director is trying to pay homage to Aliens here - but just makes himself out to be a fucknut with a camera - other people try to help her in a really unenthusiastic manner and fail apathetically - no one seems bothered.

59 mins - FBI of Agriculture woman explains that this department experiment is so secret that the president doesn’t even know it exists - probably because he’d say it’s a really fucking stupid idea - turns out plutonium leaked onto to some tree’s on a boat and the ants were in the tree’s and now they have become giant angry radioactive ants
Sheriff: GIANT ANGRY RADIOACTIVE ANTS! why aren’t we doing something!?
FBI woman: we are - we’re bringing in a specialist

Enter Martin Kove - you know Martin Kove - yes you do - he was John Kreese, Cobra Kai Sensei in the Karate Kid - no! not Mr.Miyagi! - (although he was in Tremors) - Martin Kove is the evil leader baddie sensei that wants to give pussey Laruso boy an ass whopping… anyways

Cobra Sensei Cigar Chomping shades Wearing Bad Ass Colonel Special Agent Corrigan arrives

(Fuck yeah!)

Cobra Sensei: whaddya got here?

Bad Actor Dude: we’re not exactly sure sir - the field agents reported that some trees had been delivered into this building

what kind of tree’s?

palms I believe sir........but we think the tree’s .... .are infested..... .with ANTS

Ants? that’s it? that’s why they brought me all the way out here? for some God Damned Ants!?

Sir, they are radio active

Radio active? (he says with a sudden wry evil shit eating grin)

Highly… (looking strangely aroused)

Now that’s more like it soldier! - show me some ants!

(Fuck Yeah!)

I don’t think I need to rip the piss out of the above dialogue - it speaks for itself.

did you bring a key to this place?
erm no....
(pulls out gun shoots door)
good thing I brought mine… (what a legendary cock knocker this guy is!)

Meanwhile the motley crew of survivors have fixed a wire across to the roof of the next building - they make their way across one by one - giving our director a chance to show some gratuitous bikini ass - during this escape one of the ants manages to get on the wire and kill that ”duck wielding random dude” from earlier - a mix of a man hanging from a washing line in front of a blue screen and a balloon animal tied to it making squeaking noises - this is possibly the worst action sequence in the history of film.

Cobra Sensei walks around the Glass House for about five minutes - he sees one ant - one - and that one ant attacks the bad actor dude from behind so he shoots the bad actor dude seven times in the chest so the bullets go right through and kill the ant too. Bit over the top perhaps.

Cobra Sensei then decides to fill this place with “enough DDT to flatten Texas, we’re going to have ourselves a good old fashioned Bug barbecue” - this really seems a bit extreme and also - in the history of the earth - who the fuck has ever had a bug barbecue?!?!

1 hr 12 mins - Sheriff and Sharon (what a team!) go back into the soon to be DDT’d building to rescue some random fat chick who phoned the random duck wielding dead guys mobile and said ”come rescue me! there’s ants in the basement!” - Cobra Sensei’s response to this? “Collatoral damage” - Legend.

Sheriff says: “Nice shoes - are you going to be able to run in those?”
Sharon: “Well I won’t get far in life if I can’t do everything in heels”

this reminded me of the following conversation I once had:

Girl: I can’t walk in these shoes
Me: Then why the Bleeding Jesus Mary Mother of Fucking Joseph did you buy the damn things?..

1hr 17 mins - Absolute carnage - Sheriff gets an inflatable ant to the throat - Fat chick gets her feet nibbled - Sharon the babe picks up a gun and starts busting caps in ant ass like a God damned Navy Seal - then Doofus Cleaner C.Thomas Howell turns up AFTER everything has finished - exchanges loving glances with girl - film remembers that there are ants around - Sharon the babe and C Thomas Howell leg it and hide in caged electricity generator thingy-ma-jig

1hr 19mins - very disconcerting lingering ”up nose” shot of Cobra Sensei - he needs to trim that nose hair - it is absolutely out of fucking control

1hr 20 mins - Sharon the Babe electrocutes the giant angry radioactive ants - all 4 of them. Meanwhile C.Thomas Howell holds a spade in a threatening manner.

1hr 21mins - my favourite bit - Cobra sensei is sitting on the hood of his car chomping a cigar laughing at nothing while counting down the seconds until DDT action - ”16,15...” then a large breasted girl runs into the scene, dramatically points in the general direction of the building and says ”Help! there is a guygamoogananaieis the building” - I checked this a few times and I have no idea what she is actually saying - the girl had one line - one line - her whole life she’s been waiting for this - and she fucks it up completely.

Sensei Cobra says ”don’t you worry little lady just relax” puts his arm across her breasts pins her against the car - holds her there totally and utterly copping a feel big time - this is the most awkward looking scene in movie history - the woman looks like she has just taken a dump in her pants - I really believe she was not expecting this.

”13!” - cut to shot of the countdown timer ”10” - shot of C.Thomas Howell and Sharon the babe running out the doors - camera cuts back to Cobra with his arm still over the breasts of that random girl, copping a feel big time “7!” he’s had his mitts there for 8 seconds - 8 seconds - she should be suing for sexual harassment

“3, 2, 1” - cut to a scene of three oil drums - a pathetic set of fire crackers goes off on top of them - cut to a shot of the front door with a little bit of smoke coming out of it - Not exactly blowing up the fucking White House in Independence fucking Day is it?

Final Ant makes last gasp attempt for freedom - Cobra Sensei finally removes hand from girls breast and goes over and stamps on its head - unfortunately he says nothing cool while doing this, cool things like ”Go to hell you Damn Dirty Giant Radioactive Angry Ant” or ”One thing I never told you about me - I hate Ants”.....

or ”You got knocked the Fuck Out!” like Smokey in Friday.

C.Thomas Howell asks Sharon the Babe out for coffee..... ”yeah I’d like that” she replies looking at him with loving eyes (what is she? a fucking poodle?) .... they go to kiss and end up pecking each other on the cheek....he looks up at the Glass house building mysteriously pondering (like what the fuck happened to my career that meant I ended up in this mongoloid dump of a movie) … credits roll.... and so ends one of the worst films ever made.

But it still wasn’t as bad as Cursed.

July 25, 2005

Alledgedly….

Around 24 Chinese people allegedly die each year from cracking heads due to mistimed bowing.

Spo | July 25, 2005 | Comments
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July 21, 2005

I’m Going To 2nd Bed….

.... I was asked ....

.... if I live on a mountain....
....nope, I’m 14 floors up is all....
....and I can’t be doing with curtains this high....
....simply too much trouble....
....like stairs....

....(be it walking up them, or falling down them)....
.... ....
....so when the sun rises around 6am....
....unconsciously so do I....
....and the above is usually along the lines of what I see....
....and then I get....

....to go to....
....2nd Bed....

....

....2nd bed is best....
....
....when you slowly rise reluctantly realising....

....its time to go be in the world again....
....feeling like you want a bit more....

....of that other place you were just in....
....claw back that scrumptious comfiness of the foggy mind....

....

....
....five more minutes please....
....and then it dawns on you as the sun does upon the city outside....

....it’s ok....
....it’s Kool n de Gang in fact....
....you got two more hours yet....
....

....
....You Got 2nd Bed....

July 19, 2005

What I reckon was going on in Donnie Darko….

Donnie Darko: You know you’ve seen something special as the Mad World montage rolls - you feel a rise in emotion as Donnie lies still in the crushed remains of his bedroom - the credits cascade and there is a feeling that you’ve been taken somewhere over the last few hours and as a result you know more about what’s going on in your life - but still you can’t explain what the hell just happened ....

In the end, due to the many ways of reading the films events, what you want it to mean is the most important thing - as long as it said something to you. Me personally I’d summarise as such: Donnie’s mission is to return the metal artefact that has passed through the walls of time (creating a tangent universe) back to reality. If he fails to do so, the universes structure will collapse, with a black hole sucking everything into oblivion after the allotted time span has elapsed (28 days etc etc) - reason being tangent universes do not hang around too long and are very unstable.

For Donnie to realise his purpose, he is helped by messages sent via a ”higher power” in the form of Frank, as he unconsciously flicks destinies switches to pattern a series of butterfly effects to occur that will eventually allow him to realise his powers and what he must ultimately do. As demonstrated by the freaky tubes of water emanating from the chests of those within the tangent universe (who are not consciously aware of events) - people have a preordained path in life to follow within the dimensions of time and reality (ref the conversation with Noah Wyles science teacher) - However, Donnie can see these paths and more importantly change them - by virtue of Frank he can ”see God’s path” and change the future.

Seeing as we are dealing with a tangent universe here and not reality, anyone that dies within it will not have their soul passed to the other side, they aren’t really dead, they are asleep, therefore that means that Frank will become the ”manipulated dead” when Donnie shoots him - allowing him to be used as a vessel for the messages from the higher power and travel back and forth within the time period of that universe. Donnie has to kill him later on for him to help him at the beginning and save his life.

The main thing that I am unsure of myself about is with the death of Gretchen - how does her death enable him to complete his quest? my main assumption is that she acts as a messenger to Donnie in the same way as Frank, but with more subtlety - the directors cut shows more of their relationship and she does indeed have a huge effect on his life - she is a gift to him in a sea of uncertainty - he’s got to see the good in the world in order to want to ultimately want to save it - perhaps if she wasn’t in his life he wouldn’t believe he could fly (as this is what happens unseen in the end - he flies up and rips the engine from the plane - throwing it back through the portal - his powers of flight are alluded to by the axe in the statue) and that she dies means he is willing to risk everything to save reality - as this is the only way to save her.

Once the engine is returned, the unstable tangent universe is shut (and so also shutting out the possibility of a Black Hole that occurs when tangent universes collapse) and all awake from a fiercely lucid dream - little realising that this dream was reality in another dimension.

The engine falls upon and kills Donnie tragically - his death isn’t required for events to continue - at the beginning Donnie cheats death when Frank calls to him - but here in reality there is no Frank to rescue him (although the beeping car horn is a distant attempt - Frank is his sisters boyfriend dropping her off). The future has already been changed due to the insights that all those who awake from the dream now possess - the engine is the only evidence that any of what they dreamt took place at all - and, bear with me here, it won’t happen again in the future as it has already taken place.

In a way Donnie is a little biblical in character, rescuing humanity and sacrificing himself in the process, but safe in the knowledge that he is not alone when he dies and therefore doesn’t need to be afraid - Donnie has seen the proof he has always been searching for in Frank, the dream in which he dies becomes the best he ever had, he is a super hero and he rescues us all.

Lastly you may be thinking that far too much of the meaning behind Donnie Darko seems hidden in the psyche of those that have interpreted it and the mind of the director and writer (one and the same) Richard Kelly. You have to remember though, that we live in changing times and that the experience of this film is not upon the cinema screen alone - it’s across many channels - it makes us ask so many questions that we delve into many forms of communication in order so that we may find the answers - internet, literature (read Graham Greens The Destructors), music, religion, science and fantasy - furthermore it leads us to communicate with one another in an attempt to fathom our understanding of the events - not only of the film but of life itself.....

Whoa..........

what famous old book does that sound like (yeah alright, I know - I’m pushing it here)

Of course it could just be a really cool tale of teenage angst, accidental time travel and getting the girl while listening to a quality soundtrack.....

and I might of smoked too much of the good stuff while watching it....

but as Clarence in True Romance says… THAT was a fucking movie!

Spo | July 19, 2005 | Comments
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July 18, 2005

Sometimes Nature is Cool….

A Hare can run much faster than a Fox, but when he notices a Fox approaching, he doesn’t run away, he merely stands up on his hind legs.

Once the Fox notices the Hare standing upright he knows that he’s been seen and so does not bother to give chase.

This thereby saves both animals the trouble of legging it round a field for ages

Hare: Ah! seen you!

Fox: Fucker!

Hare: Go on! - down your own end!

Fox: one day you fucker... one day....

Hare: not if I see you first...

Spo | July 18, 2005 | Comments
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July 16, 2005

Get a sense of it…

looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun!
you don’t stare! its too risky!
get a sense of it! and then look away!
- Seinfeld

July 15, 2005

In a Parallel Universe far, far, away…..

Spo | July 15, 2005 | Comments
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July 12, 2005

Von! ha ha, Two! ha ha, Tree! ha ha….

When I was younger

I thought the Count

was called Count

because he

happened to be

Dracula

It was only much later on in life

that I realised

it was actually

becasue he

COUNTS

as well

Sharp as a bubble me

Spo | July 12, 2005 | Comments
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July 10, 2005

Lucifer Likes Vodka…

When the Russians left - this was their leagcy - one day soon it could be the death of me.

Spo | July 10, 2005 | Comments
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July 10, 2005

Cool Buddha…

July 9, 2005

Dusk Brewing….

The best photo I've ever taken

July 6, 2005

Note to Self: Don’t kiss girls while driving….

Note to self: Don’t kiss girls while driving

July 4, 2005

Laughed my monkey ass off………

Look, I know people send a lot of random links out all the time swearing it's the greatest thing they've ever seen and it turns out to be a picture of a cat and baby and the cat is saying why don't you just bury your shit in the garden instead of walking round with it in your sack all day? and the baby is saying fuck you I'm lazy or something....

BUT THIS

Is some very funny shit that I laughed my ass off at instead of doing work this afternoon - click play and pause as you go so you can keep it open and then go back when you have a minute.

Whether you love star wars or not, this a wicked-stoner-evil- porn-obsessed masterpiece.

The Reservoir dogs riff is fecking genius.

Spo | July 4, 2005 | Comments
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June 23, 2005

A seemingly insignificant turn of events….

It was a seemingly insignificant turn of events and even during their occurrence I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what was so strange about them - I picked up a pen, Iwan walked past with a kettle, the sun caught my eye through the window and the Russians were speaking their lingo over in the left of my vision..... it all felt so familiar for a second - I couldn’t say what was to come next - but I was feeling that what ever did wouldn’t come as a surprise - and then it passed - gone - the world was as before - my extra sensory perception had evaporated - all that remained was a feeling of being mildly spagged out and unsure of what had really passed....

Whales and Dolphins are believed to have an extra sense called “Bio-magnetism” which enables them to detect variations in the Earths magnetic field. Some scientists think that they use this like a map to find their way around. Their memory works not in the sort of filing/visual nature ours does, but in a way that allows them to register vibrations and automatically match them to a previous experience thus allowing them to recognise where they are straight away.....

....Sort of like really advanced mastery of De-Ja-Vu perhaps.....

If you have been smoking some of gods green finest......you mix that last paragraph or two with the concept of time and space along with our existence upon this earth and listening to Kruder and Dorfmeisters remix of bug powder dust.....you could very well be staring at the wall for a helluva long time not knowing what the fuck is going on…

....but feeling like you might have the answer if you just thought hard enough.....

June 22, 2005

Penchanski!

You’re a maverick cop on the edge!
The drinks turned ya’ into a loose cannon!
It pains me to do this son, but I’m going to have to ask for your badge,
even though he was your partner you’re just too close to this one God Damn It!
-
“Sarge
I love ya like a father
but if you try and take my badge from me
it’ll be over my cold dead body
- and on a day like today -
that shit just aint gonna happen
-
So fuck you - I’m going to get me a bagel and then I’m gonna start shooting people that dserver to be shot....”

Spo | June 22, 2005 | Comments
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June 21, 2005

Mari Jo made me…….

...... Think about how it is that planes fly and ships float when ......

..... they’re big fuck off great metal things............

Spo | June 21, 2005 | Comments
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June 21, 2005

Good Fish!

Some fish living in South East Asia get drunk by gorging themselves on the fermented fruit of the Chaulmoogra tree when it drops into the water below.

After “closing time” they helplessly flat down stream until they can sober up.

Good Fish!

Spo | June 21, 2005 | Comments
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June 17, 2005

Mari Jo made me…….

......Wait for too many kettles to boil....

......That I haven’t actually turned on, In the first place.......

Spo | June 17, 2005 | Comments
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June 17, 2005

Stamping on my soul….

I’m not sure I’m ever going to get over this – come through this – it’s too hard – every time I approach the subject there is still the belief that it’s going to turn out ok but every time it’s the same crushing disappointment over and over again – stamping on my soul and screaming failure two inches from my face.

It doesn’t matter which way I turn or what I do to avoid the same thing happening over and over again – I’m doomed – there must be a way past this – others have overcome it – but it’s been like this for months – I can’t remember a time when there was anything else apart from this feeling.

Sometimes there is a breakthrough – a feeling that new ground has been reached and an end is in sight – like we have an understanding after all this fighting – but just when you think you’re there another bolt from the blue knocks you sideways from a place you hadn’t considered and you are back to square one – my attempts to find a new approach rejected.

One day things will be okay again and I will get past this and I’ll believe that life can be more than a series of crushing disappointments.

Yes one day I will get past the end of level alien invasion whilst trying to escape the initial spaceship in “repel covenant borders” on nightmare level of Halo 2…..

June 16, 2005

Phoebe Cates was one hot cheeka!

When I was in Toronto last year I went to see the Maple leafs play Buffalo and realised that while the experience is quite an assault on the senses as far as advertising goes, there are some definite plus points over watching sports in the UK.

1) Violence - there was a guy called Tai Domi and he was a mean looking badass mofo - his purpose on the ice was to hurt other players - a fight broke out between two lesser players who kind of skated in circles and held onto each others arms for a bit - they eventually pusseyed out of actually going hell for leather and opted for what seemed to be a spot of groping and hugging - the crowd really hated this with a passion and they were ceremonially booed from the ice - even the referee looked disappointed as they took their place in the sin bin - the sin of not fighting properly was their crime and Mr.Domi was to show them the error of their ways.

Toronto were losing something like 6-3 and time was ticking down - Domi butted into some guy, downed sticks and went straight at it like gangbusters - two punches - proper full on jaw breakers and the other guy is down on the ice - but our man Domi is not finished yet - he goes for the kill and smacks him one more time - fist meets head meets ice - knocked the fuck out - carried from the ice by his team mates leaving a pool of blood behind. What did Domi do? skated the rink arms aloft!!!! the crowd cheered him like a king!!!! I’d never sen anything like it!! what did the ref do? absolutely bleeding nothing apart from pointing to the sin bin! - like this guy didn’t know where it was already!

Califargafuckinglistic!

In comparison when you see the diving and feigning injury that footballers (I cannot and will not ever refer to it as soccer) indulge in, it’s a bit embarrassing. Rugby makes up for it I guess, but it’s nothing compared to the fights in ice hockey. Violence in sport is also usually so unexpected and painful - like when people get hit in the face by the ball really hard or take a nasty fall and bust a bone the wrong way - it’s that cringing moment that makes the crowd collectively appreciate they are not on the receiving end. Never have I ever been more thankful that I was not on the receiving end of the sporting injury I had just witnessed as I was when I saw Tai Domi smack that guys head into the ice. God damn that must of hurt.

2) Hot women handing out really good food - in UK we have shitty cold over priced pies that allegedly contain some form of meat product - these are served to us through a hatch in a cold dungeon like surrounding by a woman covered in tattoo’s who looks like she could beat the shit out of you - in America they have hot 19 year old women running round with keypads delivering numerous munch worthy items like pizza and hot dogs to your seat while you watch the game.

3) Cheerleaders - not with ice hockey obviously, but in general this is a brilliant idea that I’m gravely disappointed our sports have not managed to properly embrace it. Beautiful women in tight clothing jumping up and down - the pure divine simplicity of the idea is astounding.

But after these areas, there still isn’t enough to suck me in - although it’s fast and furious there is too much coming and going of players - not enough tension in the game - too many time outs that seem designed for adverts and making people in the audience kiss each other in front of everyone else on the big screen (try that in UK! desperate people get married on the field at half time on occasion and the crowd sings “you don’t know what you’re doing” and “does she take it up the arse?” at them - every girls dream) - it also didn’t seem like the players really gave a shit about the score - like it wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to them to lose in front of the fans that love the team they play for.

I think that a large part of sports popularity is that it is ingrained in the culture you grow up in from an early age - not just the watching or the playing of the game itself, but everything that surrounds it - not ness-sir-celery all the hype, the media talk, the gossip, the personalities and the merchandise - but the binding elements that mean that everyone will have an opinion and the subject can cross social classes/race/country even language - when I got stuck in Mozambique and couldn’t speak Portuguese and the people I was with couldn’t speak English we could communicate through the names of football players, teams, scores and events like the world cup final.

You’ve got the good times and bad times that you share in collective unison with friends, family and complete strangers - when victory or defeat can bring mass elation or misery to millions all at once.

And sport also usually provides excellent reasons to meet up with friends and get wasted as well.

So these things will be true for everyone attached to the sport they care about in their respective country - I’m probably never going to get into Baseball, American football or Ice Hockey as much as USA/Canada is never likely to truly embrace football, rugby or cricket - the two cultures are intertwined with the sports they love and those respective games seem destined to remain on opposite sides of the Atlantic.

However I am getting into basketball due to the finals being played on ESPN here in Asia and there is no football at the moment. I couldn’t ever see the hook with basketball as I figured that one of the things about football that makes it so special, is that you invest all that concentration and time into a building of tension between goals - when a goal is scored there is an explosion of pent up emotion - like having sex with a woman for 30 mins instead of 5 - see Train-spotting when Renton says ”that was nearly as good as when Archie Gemmil scored against Holland in 1979” - with basketball though, balls going in the hoop every few of minutes would lose their attraction after you’ve cheered for the 30th time in 40 minutes.

Or so I’ve always thought - now I appreciate it’s like piece of elastic and both teams are at either end - the further apart the score gets the more the team doing the stretching is likely to break the elastic in their favour - this doesn’t make for great entertainment if it’s a white wash but with the fact that it takes only a matter of seconds to go from defence at one end, to attack at the other, there is always that chance your team can come back from being 10 or 12 points down even when there is only a few minutes on the clock - the tension builds right up to the final quarter and if it’s still close by few points when you get to the last minute then it is really white knuckle stuff.

All those individual baskets don’t mean half as much as if your team scores, makes a steal and then scores again without reply - then the gap is getting bigger and the elastic is getting thinner in the middle - that second basket is the money shot.

So it’s growing on me - and out here they’ve got the coverage to keep up with it as well - I want the Pistons to win because I remember them playing the Chicago Bulls when I was in Florida on holiday back when I was 14.

One thing though - every time I watch basketball I can’t get that song out of my head from the end of Teen Wolf - you know the one - that power-rock-casio-synth-shoulder-pad-big-hair number with the chorus that has somebodies dad wailing “Wiiiiinnnnnn in the end!!! you’ve got to win in the end! Wiiiiinnnn....” etc etc - Michael J Fox looking every inch the weediest little sweaty punk this world has ever seen, Hi-fiving it with that blubbering chunky guy as they turn the tables and prove they don’t need the wolf after all - be yourself and you’ll win in the end - what a crock of shit - if ever there were two of the most unlikely basketball players to step foot on a court - chunky butler and Marty McFly - imagine them against the Pistons! no fucking way!

But you believe they can do it because of that chessey bag of 80’s synth shite playing in the background.

I fell off the bonnet of my mates moving car pretending I was teen wolf. I loved the way everyone reacted when he changed into this freak of nature – a possibly dangerous carnivorous man eater – a creature of famed myth and legend – who’s very existence could throw the belief system of society into chaos – something the government would want to capture and study in some Area 51 style base and make wolf soldiers from his genes - but wait! He can play ball! Forget everything! Don’t call the men in white coats!

This hairy bastard is going to win us the championship! God damn it!

“Give…. Me ….. a keg….. of beer”

And that Pamela girl wanted to fuck his hairy ass big time – no questions asked – no consideration of how all that hair might kinda make her feel like she was making out with the neighbors dog or what their kids were gonna look like – she wanted puppy love doggy-style from the wolf man. Oh yeah!

Yet there was some seriously dark evil shit going on in the background of Teen Wolf – not Styles weird freaky friend who never liked Scotty again once he turned into the wolf man - I’m talking about the father and the headmaster – he killed Scotty’s dads wife with a shotgun! And they still live in the same town! No recriminations after all these years! Scotty’s dad is gonna get medieval on that guy as one day – do an American werewolf in London up on the moors number on his ass! Imagine that – your teacher blows your mums head off with a shotgun and laughs about it to your father when ever they meet – ok there’s circumstances here what with being a werewolf and everything - but still – that’s a bitter pill to swallow for any man or beast.

Christ on a bike – it’s nearly 9pm – this post really has gone in a slightly off centre direction from were it started……

Hmmmm….. Phoebe Cates as Poof – damn that was one hot cheeka!

June 15, 2005

On the 7th day God created Marijuana –

and

On the 8th day he created The Duck Billed Platypus –

and

On the 9th day he woke up

saw this the fruits of his previous days labour looking back at him -

and then thought it best -

to have a rest.

They have a ducks head, an otters body, and a beavers tail.

They use electromagnetic frequencies to enable them to see under the water, have poison emitting hooks in their hind legs

and on top of all that they lay eggs.

They’re fucking nutty creatures.

Spo | June 15, 2005 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion

June 14, 2005

Remember…

Remember

that if you're a French Midget

every meal

Is a petit dejuner

Spo | June 14, 2005 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion

June 7, 2005

Whisky

I'm a bit better now after a day of recovery from whisky indulgence - I like whisky - its the sort of drink you ascociate with bullish rogues who hunt game in africa and then take a good woman before gambling thier family fortune away on a card game and getting into a bare knuckle fight with the local Mayor, finsihing off by leading the village in a rendition of "old lang syne" and finally passing out in a gutter.

Spo | June 7, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Kaneheads Kompanion

June 2, 2005

“Wil E Coyote - why was his genius never rewarded?”

Because he had character and cunning, yet he was never rewarded with is due - annoying infernal bird - everyday our hero wakes and continues the chase - insane in the end, as the injustice of the cartoon world conspire against him despite the true genius behind his plans and contraptions (apart from the ones were he just tied himself to giant rockets) -

I believe that were he ever to have caught Road Runner, then that would of been enough..... no dance of gloating evil joy, no elaborate cooking ceremony involving a giant pot over a huge bonfire or frenzied attack releasing years of frustration at being continually dropped off cliffs and smashed with rocks - just a polite handshake - a smug smile of satisfaction and a confident stroll into the distance through the nearest tunnel painted on a wall.

After which he would design all sorts of giggery pokery to help the world become a better place - earn millions - stamp out world poverty - cure cancer and become the worlds most popular Coyote.....

........and then he would hire a shinobi ninja of the highest order to assassinate that annoying blue feathered little bastard with a simple poison pee-shooter, just when he thought it was all forgotten.....

Spo | June 2, 2005 | Comments
Kaneheads Kompanion

Spo
Location:Gecko Lounge, Cape Maclear, Malawi.

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