May 28, 2007

Dusk Brewing over Blantyre……

Spo | May 28, 2007 | Comments
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May 23, 2007

How to Rip at the Captains Table…..

Each morning at the lake Paul, Anton and myself usually sit upon the Gecko Captains table and proceed to rip the bejesus out of each other for about an hour or two - it seems to go round in circles and the ripping can swoop to the next victim at any moment if the right insult is uttered - and if you’re slow on the uptake while thinking of a chink in your opponents armour, you can just keep shouting “ahhhh! hahahahaha!” while pretending to double up in pain at the hysterical nature of the last shot fired - things get noisy and barbed insults fly - until one of us has to storm off in a huff after being beaten with a killer blow (usually Anton).

It’s also fascinating the way the allegiances switch as well - one minute Anton and Paul rip into me for being a chunky butler who looks like he’s wearing a money belt and has no game at all with women - the next Anton and I are ripping Paul for being a Goblin with a silly beard who looks like the referee Mike Riley (lots of whistles and card waving here) - and then Paul fights back and I join him in ripping Anton for having a laugh like a sea lion and wearing shoes that look like Gondola’s with a shirt that matches the table cloth and bed spreads - observe:

Spo | May 23, 2007 | Comments
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May 21, 2007

Latest Wknd at the lake……

Spo | May 21, 2007 | Comments
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March 28, 2007

Marked For The Future……

So yeah - I got a tattoo - Gecko style - he’s a little monster - burns like hell at the mo - Henani and the man with the needles turned up at Paul’s Monday and after a few stiff vodka’s and boiling of all the necessary, they went to work.

Hardest part is sitting in the same position for that long - it stings a bit when you get near the nerves and bone, but overall it didn’t really hurt at the time - over an hour or so it just feels like someone slowly dragging a razor-blade across your skin - which, although that actually sounds really bad, is not something that is so painful once you get used to it - that makes me sound like a masochist - who knows - but then again I’ve bounced off and onto so many things in life so far that my tolerance to pain is pretty high - I’ve been scraped, scratched, burned, bitten and broken enough times not to flinch at a tattoo.

Spiders on the other hand.....

The issue now is keeping it clean and clear - Vaseline/moisturiser 3 times a day - don’t get it covered in dirt or tea (hard in my job) - don’t scratch or scrape it at all - itchy, gooey, black, inky, blood stuff coming out all the time - can’t go swimming or get it seriously wet in any way - meaning no lake or pool shenanigans for 2-3 weeks......

But I’m very happy and have named him “ojeni”.

He shall now be with me forever more.

Spo | March 28, 2007 | Comments
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March 16, 2007

The Reason to Move to Malawi…..

As long as I’ve got the HTML code correct, clicking the above should also take you to the flickr version where you can click the “all sizes” icon and access the full size shot (1440 x 2560) as well.

Spo | March 16, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

March 8, 2007

Weekly Lake Zooalookalowa Bwino update…..

Spo | March 8, 2007 | Comments
Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

March 8, 2007

Top of the evening to ya Amigo…….

Last Thursday we drove out to Mulanje to walk the golf course with the tea guys and drink a beer per hole (13 holes) - dusk was setting in over the Gargantuan Mulanje Mountain - a truly awe inspiring African Ayres Rock imitator - and the course is set upon it’s foothills.

Despite the clear blue sky, the Moon was making it’s appearance and the clouds were settled upon the beast of stone before us - there was a moment when the end rock was wearing a sombrero upon it and I snapped it with the Nokia.

God I wish I still had that Panasonic DMC FX8 that I bounced off the floor of Gecko - it’s making it’s way to UK via DHL to be fixed and returned. Until then, seeing as the local store, GAME, is a bit useless and overpriced, I’m either using the Nokia camera phone (as per shots above) or the clickers of others that I can beg and steal the SD cards from (as per recent wknd).

Problem is there’s too much out here that’s click-worthy though - I love that camera and want it back in my paws as soon as possible.

Spo | March 8, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

March 6, 2007

Gecko Girls, Good Times……..

What can I say? well I’ll quote some random girl at 2am - “I’ve lived here for 4 and a half years and this is the best fucking party I’ve ever seen at the lake - you people are fucking amazing” - that says it all I think.

My previous intention to drive up to the lake “bright and sparky” early on Friday was foiled by the fact Lauren and I had spent the previous night drinking and dancing in Blantyre until 4am - I’d crashed (to bed) at 430am and was up again at 7am to get organised and go fetch her from having breakfast with her father - something that had seemed pretty important the previous evening as she hadn’t seen him for a while - upon arrival no one at her place thought she was even at the house - still half wasted from the previous night I stumbled through events in reverse and muttered “well..... I thought I brought her home....” as I stared off into the distance hoping a spark would ignite my memory and I’d remember exactly where I’d left her - I mean, someone says you are at their place and they get out and walk to the gate, you wave goodbye and hit reverse for home - you don’t hang around to make sure that they haven’t got out at the wrong house - they are the one that told you to stop there.

Obviously her parents didn’t seem too impressed with the whole “I thought I brought her home” statement.

Luckily the cook appeared, assuring everyone that she did in fact come home and that he’d been woken at 4am by her drunken bumbling attempts to get past a locked gate and find another way in - he’d helped her out and she was now in the spare room - I made an attempt to try and convince everyone that perhaps it had been more like 2 or 3am - but the cook assured all present it was definitely 4am - I thought to myself “cheers for digging my hole a little deeper my friend”.

Lauren appeared - has to be said - looking all for the world like someone who had been dancing on tables and drinking until 4am - and to be honest I guess I wasn’t looking much better - not a great set-up for a meet and greet the folks before a 3 or 4 hour drive to the lake and the beginning of the long wknd to end them all.

Never the less we collected ourselves and got on the road to go collect the Gecko Girls from Zomba - Abbi, Ziggy, Kate and Rose - Paul and John ahead in another car meant we had the room for all. After a few beer stops we arrived at the lake around 11 or 12ish and plans were made for the Saturday night that was brewing.

You see we’d heard of a bar up the beach that was planning a big party that night - it didn’t take us long to make a plan and that plan was basically: flier advertising around the bars of Blantyre, giving the heads up to all we know, getting the night mentioned on the local radio, Gecko girls serving a happy hour of half price drinks, as many shots of potency as possible, bar dancing, I-tunes playlists set up on the computer linked to the speakers and making sure we were stacked up full of every alcoholic drink we could think of.

We knew it would blow the other party out the water, but we didn’t expect the amount of people that actually turned up - apparently it was bigger than new year - there was around 150 people I think, maybe more - you can’t see from the pictures as we could only take a few from early on around the bar - there’s better ones to come from a guy called Dave’s camera that really show how big a night it was - as Paul said, it’s a team effort to keep things running smooth when it’s like that - in a bar of the size of Gecko, which usually accommodates 30 or 40 or so on the average busy Saturday, you need everyone on top of their game - Levi and John gathering empties and sorting lamps and ashtrays, the professor and the guards keeping regular checks on the toilets, Paul orchestrating everything from making sure people had Mozzie spray sitting out on the beach to the bar having small change notes, the girls working the bar and getting people dancing, Anton overseeing everything with Ronald working his socks off to back the girls on the money and drinks side with clean glasses and stocked fridges - not a usual thing to find a bar in Malawi that actually has it’s shit together for such an event.

Special mention has to go to the Gecko Girls - an hours worth of training in the afternoon to get to grips with prices and where things are - they ruled the roost and got things moving when things began to pick up from 7pm onwards - through happyhour at 8 to 9 and then continued to keep the vibe of the evening going from there on in. Kate was Queen and continued on after the happy hour was through - but all four played a great game - even once the Po10C took over - Abbi suffering big time the next day, praying to that white porcelain god and Ziggy forcibly removed from drink serving duties by Kate when it was evident her special blend of chaos and destruction would be of more benefit to the other side of the bar where people where dancing, rather than where money was changing hands and glass was flying around. Rose found her natural home atop the bar dancing all night easily last standing - and repeated the feat the next day staying up till 6am - girl got power.

Could of been the Po10C though.

Which, if you haven’t experienced such ojeni, is the Malawian Samsong - purple shots of power that light up the darkest of eyes and refuel the tiredest dancers - not totally sure what’s in it - all such things say caffeine - but when a drink such as this never makes it out of Southern Africa you do wonder whether the harsher inspections of the EU ingredient brigade have barred it from UK shores and the like - all I know is that if you drink Po10C all night, it’s not far off the same kind of wasted you get with that amphetamine fueled Thai Red-Bull and Samsong mix we indulged in heavily over in Ko-Phang-Nghan.

I couldn’t really appreciate how hectic it was due to being in my corner sorting the music - we’d paced the night with selections that blended well together and every tune was hitting it’s mark for about four or five hours - there was still some intervention required - such as when the Hen party needed some stripper music and it took me less than a second to throw in Stevie Wonders “Superstitious” - generally we just plucked the best from 25GB of music and changed it about to suit what was working - songs of the night being Jamie T’s Calm Down Dearest and Gnarls Barclay’s Smiley faces” & Magic Numbers “Take a chance” along with notable crowd pleaser’s the Killers, Kaiser Chiefs, Arctic Monkeys, Faithless, The Strokes, Razorlight, Foo Fighters, The Kooks, The Dears, Raconteurs, Libertines, Finlay Quaye, OK-GO, Bloc Party, Snoop Dogg, OutKast, Beyonce, Kanye West mixed with old classics from the Tribe Called Quest, US3, the Stones, Beatles, Jackson Five, Jimi Hnedrix, Paul Simon, James Brown, Isley Borthers, Kool & the Gang and some less well known funky stuff like Mr.Scruff, Thievery Corp, Rae & Christian, Nightmares on Wax and some local Kwasa Kwasa which really makes people shake their ass.

However, around 1 or 2 am it was evident people were still dancing and wanting more, the playlist created earlier was easing towards a slower state of play - this was not really the time to have to engage brain due to the vast quantities of vodka, Po10C, Jack D I’d consumed - also the generally exhausting nature of concentrating on a computer screen while jumping around the bar area for the best part of five hours actually does take it out of you a bit - suddenly being required to zip around with the mouse find and drag and drop that exact track from library to playlist all within the time of the track that was playing was not quite so easy anymore.

Folk were also fairly wasted at this point and suddenly everyone has that track in mind you have to play and knows that their song is the one that all others need to hear - this is the part of the evening when being in control of the music becomes a curse rather than a blessing - this is the part of the evening when you just want to punch people regardless of whether they are towering South African monsters, babes of note or fucking idiots asking you if you have JJ fucking Cale for the millionth fucking time - who ever the fuck JJ fucking Cale is - I actually snapped at that point and had John throw him out - I remember saying it Pulp Fiction style as well:

Say it again - say JJ Cale one more time - go on, I dare you - say it one more god damn fucking time - I double dare you motherfucker - say JJ fucking Cale one more fucking time!
but you must have JJ Cale?
GONE! JOHN! HE’S FUCKING GONE! GONE I TELL YOU!

In the end I bailed at around 2 or 3am and let Anton take over with his special blend of Shaun Paul and that same fucking Mozambican song which he played four fucking times in an hour.

After final few more double-drinks with Paul to summarise and survey, folk drifted away and I passed out in a chair on the veranda - the lapping of the lake sending me to dream land in seconds - job done.

Though most definitely to be done again one day - for sure-sure.

Spo | March 6, 2007 | Comments
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February 22, 2007

Get up and Gecko……

Spo | February 22, 2007 | Comments
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February 21, 2007

Don’t stand so, Don’t stand so, Don’t stand so close to me……..

Late Saturday night a Dutch Girl called Wil wanted a cut-off 2 litre bottle of water so she could fill it with paraffin - Gecko lounge has a thatched rood and general wooden related tomfoolery all around it - paraffin is not it’s friend due to the whole flaming ball of fire connotations that spring up when such a word is mentioned - so inquiries as to what this paraffin was for led to her explaining she was a fire dancer and needed to have a bucket sized ojeni to dip the block-ojeni into - this would then be set on fire and swung around her head and body attached to ropes.

Hmmmm...... how about “no fucking way what so ever???”

I remember going to some sort of really fucked up circus display in the North of Vietnam one time - they had these little Ewok women doing various acrobatic trapeze manoeuvre’s while suspended over the crowd below - swinging around with the rope attached to something they could bite down on so they were free to use their arms to spin a ridiculous amount of hula-hoops around their bodies - quite a sight - even more so when one of them set fire to the hula-hoops and started swinging about the place.

Awe inspiring as such things are - you do appreciate that it’s not exactly a safe situation - if it was the Cirque de Soleil or some shit you’d be confident nothing was going to go wrong and can watch wide eyed as the performance unfolds - but when you are in the back end of beyond of North Vietnam and some dodgy $2 circus show suddenly starts setting fire to trapeze swinging hula-hoopers it puts you on edge for your own personal saftey.

Same deal when sitting on the shores of Lake Nyasa and a half drunk Dutch lady with a funny hat says she needs a bucket of paraffin so she can start spinning flaming blocks on ropes around the place.

So I told her to go stand out by the lake shore and nowhere near anyone or anything that could possibly go up like a tinder house and then she could set fire to herself in peace.

But fair play to her - she really did know her shit when it comes to dancing around amongst spinning trails of fire - impressive indeed.

Even more so when we saw the shots where I left the exposure open;

Spo | February 21, 2007 | Comments
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February 20, 2007

Gecko Sunset tours……

For this you will need:

•1 x Nifty Gecko Speedboat with decent amount of petrol to scoot around the bay - check.

•1 x Worldly Wise Master of Lake Nyasa waters - check.

•4 x Damn fine looking English teachers aged 18-22 years - check.

•1 x Cooler of Carlsberg Green - check.

•1 x English Chunky Butler willing to sit on nose of the boat for picture taking opportunities & keeping the nose down when Worldly Wise Gecko master decides to boot the Speedboat into overdrive - check.

•1 x Std. Malawian Sunset - Zooalookalowa Bwino - check.

Spo | February 20, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 20, 2007

Do not underestimate the powers of the Lake-side….

Back, but not burning brightly - this last weekend did indeed take it’s toll - I smile at the memories, but not the cost.

An all time record 2 day bar tab of 22 grand (around $170 which is slightly extravagant for Africa) , 1 broken $500 camera, 1 broken set of Rayban shades (knock off cost in Vietnam $2 - but to replace out here....) and I nearly drowned.

There were sunset boat trips, fire juggling, four beautiful English teachers, drinks such as the Kampango Banger & the Malawian Russian, Kwasa-Kwasa music leading to dancing on the bar again, all round general debaucherised drinking till 830am, near miss of large fucking Ox + front bumper incident on the drive home.

The above shots show the lookout from the bar lakeside first thing Saturday morning - looks like glass - a peaceful serene setting indeed - all you can hear is the distant chatter of the village awaking and the birds in the tree’s - there wasn’t even enough energy in the water to lap at the shore.

365 km long and 52 km wide - covering a surface area of around 28’000km2 - at places they have no idea how far down it goes but estimates that it’s 2 or 3 km - Lake Nyasa is the third largest lake on the continent and thirteenth in the world - with the drop off’s under the surface, currents can be strong and when you see the waves suddenly change direction or when the wind picks up and brings you a sudden display of it’s true power, you appreciate that it’s no paddling pool out there.

Or at least I appreciate that now, where as when I decided to try and swim the 1km or so out to Thumbi Island (above) I think I underestimated it somewhat - my attitude was that it didn’t look that far and the water was as calm as I’d seen it - if we’d taken the Gecko boat out, we’d of been there in five minutes or so - besides I usually just swam out to where you see that boat resting, tap the bhoy and head back - this time I thought I’d keep going and see how tired I got and judge whether I could go all the way.

Once I got past the usual point, I felt like I could’ve easily kept on going - wasn’t tired at all - I headed on further out and I figured that I’d swim over to Thumbi and then, if I was shattered, I could just rest on the beach until I was ready to come back again or hitch a lift with one of the boat tours.

Around 600 or 700 metres out (halfway or so) I thought the sensible thing to do would be to head back to shore and then judge it that way - thinking being that if anything went wrong I’d be closer to people rather than further away - the water wasn’t quite so calm where I was at that time and although it wasn’t exactly breaking waves, I was still feeling the pull and throw of the waters tide rising and falling more so than closer to the shoreline.

I checked over far right and lined up with a boat to judge my position and then began to swim back to Cape McClear and Gecko - which up until then I hadn’t realised was quite so far away - then after five minutes or so of casually paced swimming, I looked across again to see how far I’d moved.

I hadn’t moved at all.

Apart from drifting further left towards the channel of the Cape leading back into the heart of the lake.

At first I just figured that I wasn’t swimming hard enough or perhaps I’d got my bearings out - I pushed a bit harder and that’s when I felt the current I was stuck in - and that’s when I began to panic a bit.

Well began to panic quite a fucking lot actually.

Usually there where fishing canoes criss crossing around this part of the lake, but there was nothing in sight - calling back to shore wasn’t an option as I was too far out - it also wasn’t like there where Bay-watch style lifeguards sitting around the place - the girls where already up and looking out from the bar veranda - I’d waved as I swam out - but waving now would not really of helped as they would of just waved back again and gone back to hangovers and breakfast - I knew that as far as getting anyone to help me out went, I was more than a little bit fucked.

The problem with a realisation like this is that you start to breathe too quickly and you’re blood starts rushing around getting it’s freak on - this leads to you getting tired faster and there is even less chance of pulling out of the current you’re stuck in - which is all very well to know as I sit and type - but when you are just drifting out to the big blue yonder and have no idea how to stop it happening, such knowledge does not really battle to the forefront of your thoughts.

This is because the word “Fuck” is in it’s way.

Stuck on repeat.

So panic set in and swim as hard as I could I did as that was the only answer to the situation in hand.

I pulled out of the current after a while, but once I had, I was fucking shattered - which meant the swim back to shore had now doubled in terms of the effort I had previously thought necessary - I’m far from being the worlds fittest fellow as well - and judging by the mess I’d gotten myself into - far from having the worlds sharpest mind too.

Obviously I got back eventually as I type this for you now - but at the time I was thinking I’d really taken a stroke too far.

Upon return I crawled up the beach and lay flat out on the deck before Paul breathing heavily - twas then that he told me of my foolishness and how many people he knew had underestimated the lake before us - how the current around Thumbi island circles the bay and then drifts out through the channel and out into the blue - that if you stand up on the veranda and look hard you can see the channels with the movements of the water and variations in colour showing the diversity of the depth - Id-jot me just stares out in the distance and thinks it’s a giant swimming pool.

Lauren scalded me later telling how when she’s diving she can sort of see the currents down there and put her hand in to feel the strength of flow - always strongest where the depth drops off and the cold water is rising up - leading me to remember those turtles rushing around the seas of the world in Finding Nemo.

All in all lesson learned - don’t underestimate the Lake.

And as Paul advised - when swimming, left to right along the shore is a much safer option than out into the big blue yonder.

Spo | February 20, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal | Pictures

February 16, 2007

Time to drive to the lake……

Spo | February 16, 2007 | Comments
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February 15, 2007

I don’t do Spiders - anything but F**king Spiders…….

Living in the places I’ve lived I should be able to handle critters of all shapes and sizes - for the most part this is true - I’m not saying I will ever consider going on Fear Factor, nor am I saying that creepy crawlie ojeni flying thingies don’t make me wary of where I tread and lay my head - but I’ve eaten fried bee’s, drunk wasp whisky and I’ve had some fierce battles with over sized cockroaches (while sitting on the toilet) as well as being bitten by a million mosquitoes over time.

Then there was the Bear Bile Juice LSD style Whiskey in Nghia Lo, something unidentifiable in Bangkok, Goats Brains in Peshawar and Hanoi Dog restaurants.

And don’t forget I’ve drunk the still beating heart of a snake at the Hanoi Snake Restaurant

So obviously I’m not squeamish and I’m open to experience - you have to be if you don’t want to offend peoples cultures - at least try it to say you don’t like it.

The only thing I really regret is the dog restaurants - dog is fucking, putrid, chewy, dark meat that should not be on anyone’s menu - I don’t give a fuck how old the custom is or how fucking poor people are - dog should not be dinner - as Jules says “dogs a filthy animal” and as I’m telling you “it tastes fucking disgusting - don’t fucking eat it”.

But if there is one thing on this earth that will freak the living fuck out of me for forever more, it is fucking god damn motherfucking spiders - I have serious Arachnaphobia - I really really can’t deal with those horrible unpredictable, creepy, eight-eyed, scuttling, jumping, web crawling, nightmare-of-nature bastards.

Really.

I’m like all wide eyed frozen like Jeff Daniels trapped in the basement in the film of the same name (still can’t really watch that film without freaking).

I think it’s all traced back to finding one on my shoulder when I was in the tea fields in Kenya - just sought of saw it out the corner of my eye and it’s sitting there on my fucking shoulder! I screamed like a girl and nearly ran all the way back to Nairobi for fucks sake.

I know people are supposed to conquer their fears and folk say they’re harmless and you just need to let one crawl around on you to get over it (or some other crazy sounding form of get to know your enemy style shit) - but really - Fuck the Fuck off - I’m quite happy to keep on running away from the hairy eight-legged little freaks of evolution rather than start cuddling up to them when I go to sleep - I mean I can’t see any plus points to conquering the fear I have of spiders - the fear exists for a reason and that reason is that they are fucking dangerous and they are not of this earth.

THEY’VE GOT EIGHT FUCKING EYES FOR FUCKS SAKE - I mean what kind of creature needs eight eyes????!!!! EIGHT!!!!! and the other thing is that anyone that finds out I have really bad Arachnaphobia then then joyfully regales me with their own spider stories - and what with us being in Africa - EVERYONE has a spider story or ten.

Paul got chased around his house by an Elephant Spider which had the circumference of the average dinner plate, Mrs.Doran at Zoa tea had some sort of black hairy eight-legged monster attach itself to her right arm and her father had to burn it off with a hot piece of coal (a hot piece of coal for Fucks sake! what are these creatures!), Lauren at Scuba Shack keeps on going on about how you see them scuttling around on the beach at night, Roy was telling me that when he’s killed Baboon Spiders green blood comes out (Green blood for Fucks Sake! again I say what are these fucking creatures!), Maganga tells me of how certain spiders here just don’t have a Chechewa name as they are too grotesque for words and are simply referred to as “the unknown” - Sweet Jesus Ringing the Bells of St Christopher!

With it being rainy season this is when they come out of the forests and down from the tree’s and head for the warmth of peoples houses - imagine! your whole fucking house surrounded by the things! as they slowly creep their way towards your place - inching over the grass and looking for any possible entry point.. AyYiYi… evil creatures.

When I went to Roy Crawfords place out in Thyolo and was sitting in the front room having a beer when I got bitten by a termite - instant reaction is to flick it off and stamp on it muttering about how “I thought that could of been one of those feckin spiders” - which leads obviously on to spider stories and general mickey taking (as everyone else living in Africa and Asia seems fairly at ease with the heinous accidents of evolution) - and then he commented that I shouldn’t go back out the way I came in - inquiring as to why, he told me to go and have a look at the roof of the porch :

Now I know they aren’t the greatest photo’s in the world but I was hardly hanging around to zoom in check the contrast etc - there were fucking shit loads of spiders up there! all those little white bits you see were fucking tennis ball sized nests while that big black ojeni thing was one of the main boys and about the size of my hand - they were fucking dropping down and spinning strands all over the shop - the whole porch roof was COVERED in spiders and spider webs - it was like this was were all spiders come from - it was all I could do to glance up and hold my gaze for a few seconds and refrain from rushing off to find something to burn down Roy’s entire house.

They were scuttling and running around and all kinds of things - fucking horrible, nasty, fucking creatures.

I couldn’t believe his whole fucking porch was one giant fucking spiders nest - “it keeps the mosquitoes out” - YEAH?!?! well that’s all very well but what the fuck keeps the fucking spiders out?????!!! Harsh Fucking Language???!!!

Which brings the age old response of “they’re just as scared of you as you are of them” - people that say these sorts of things should be taken out and fucking shot - spiders are not fucking scared of me at all - they’ve got fangs, they jump, they scuttle, they creep, they make messy web type shit to trap your face in when you walk between tree’s and bushes, they have poison in them that makes you swell up like the fucking Hindenburg and they’ve got EIGHT FUCKING EYES!

Eight of them.

Eight.

Why the fuck should they be scared of me when they’ve got that array of scary-assed shit in their locker?

Fucking Spiders.

Spo | February 15, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 13, 2007

Gecko Getaway….

Headed out last Friday and I managed to make excuses and escape verk and arrive at Paul’s around 3pm - with each non-lake-residing wknd seeming something like a lost opportunity, I’m either going to end up being really creative with my reasons for disappearing (ie: “erm..... I’m meeting yet another tea producer for a game of golf” despite that producer never ever mentioning such an arrangement nor me knowing how to play golf) or I’ll just have to start being flat out honest (ie: “as no one ever achieves anything of note on Friday afternoon as far as business goes, I’m going to the lake now because I want to have as much time there as possible over the wknd and we can’t drive at night”).

Paul did the driving - always advisable where any situation involves me being the alternate possibility - nailed the whole drive in about 3 and half hours doing 100-120kmph on rainy season roads (medal worthy timing) - 10’000 mkwch fills a tank of petrol for there and back (270 mkwch = 1 GBP 140 mkwch = 1$) so that was split - we battled through a rain-storm of note on the way out but still managed to arrive at just past 6 tirtyish, racing the falling dusk to our destination.

The drive is fairly straight forward in terms of you get on the Zomba road and only really have two turns to make from that point onwards - however, it’s all the ojeni and unpredictable elements that make it a sharp journey - seeing other vehicles are a sparse occurance, so you can end up speeding too fast - when something springs up out of nowhere, accidents happen.

We saw the fresh fires of one incident as we headed through one of the smaller villages - a mini-bus had tried and failed to avoid one of the roadside kids and had then smashed into a corrola coming the opposite way - pieces of metal and blood all over the road - the kid with a half a blanket over him - snapshot of harsh reality you don’t shake from your eyes too easily - we reported it at the next police stop further on, but little could be done by then.

The other thing about the road over rainy season is that the flash floods coming down from the hills can take the road away - look at these shots from either side of one of the main bridges - this water is moving pretty quick and it’s just bubbling under the break of the bridge - half a metre more and there’s no surface to be seen:

Paul’s got the road in his fingers though - and signs such as brown water meaning fell in the last two hours are second nature to him - so when things aren’t looking too familiar up ahead, a drop in acceleration is the order of the day and steady as it goes becomes the motto.

Once we get further on past Mangoche we come to the almost 15km dirt track turning that takes you through the hills and bush to Chembe village at Cape McClear - no easy drive this part of the journey - but rewards for passing the test come in the form of cold beers and sunsets.

Before you know it you are laughing about pygmies late into the night while under the influence of Johnny Walker - which in turn leads to smuggest face competitions - all thoughts of the drive dissipated like the ice in the Whisky.

My turn to drive next though - don’t wish me luck - wish me the lack of needing luck in the first place.

In the end - if it’s the journey there and the road is out - that breaks your plans at the first hurdle.

But if it’s the return journey back - you just turn around, head back to Gecko and the wknd carries on.

Spo | February 13, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 12, 2007

Back to the Lake again…….

Spo | February 12, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 11, 2007

Still Alive…..

Richard came back to work last week - getting better by the day after nearly blowing his head off.


His right eye still needs a bit of work but it’ll sort itself out over the next couple of days or so.


All in all it’s a miracle.


Swear to Almighty I only noticed what it said on his T-shirt after I up-loaded the photo.

Spo | February 11, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 5, 2007

Mini-bus Mavuto…..

The drive to work involves heading out past the bus station beyond the hospital and on towards the Chirimba Industrial Estate - the majority takes place over a road that doesn’t have that many potholes and only a few areas to watch for random running children / goats and cyclists keep an ear out better than most areas.

The problem comes when you get to the Chichiri bridge - which for the moment does not exist - rebuilding work is taking place that I imagine I will never see the end of during my time here - you can see what it looks like below:

It’s been like that for a few months and not much has changed.

So what happens is that traffic approaching from the city side waits where a little man blocks the road with a barrel - then on the other side, another little man moves his barrel out the way and waves his out-of-town traffic through - they then drive down into the river gully and across a muddy-makeshift roadway supported by sandbags and up the other side - once across, the first little man moves his barrel, lets the out of town traffic through and then waves the city side onwards while the 2nd little man blocks off any further traffic from the out of town direction


pretty simple you’d think.

Until it gets to around 5pm - when all hell breaks loose and the little men are nowhere to be seen - and if they are, they’re just ignored anyway - the curse of the mini-bus driver comes to haunt during these times.

Mini-bus drivers are the scourge of Africa - they drive like amphetamine fueled F1 madmen in clapped out vehicles that are on the verge of exploding - they pack vans with as many people as possible and rush to the next possible pick-up - trying to overtake fellow mini-buses while they are at it - with cello-tape windows, doors falling off, plumes of black smoke pouring from the exhaust, no indicators, smashed windscreens and a very unpredictable nature due to stopping abruptly at the first sign of a possible fare (ie: person randomly walking near the road - of which there are quite a lot of)

The dream of the mini-bus driver is that no matter how many passengers as he can push through the door his death-trap will never be full and that he will always be the first to the next stop - this creates a sort of chaotic rally around Blantyre, as there are an awful fucking lot of these mini-bus mongoloids messing about all over the place causing all manner of mayhem - if there is a traffic incident of any description, it will usually have started or ended with a mini-bus in some way or form - they may not be at the scene any longer - but they will probably have had a hand in it somewhere.

So at 5pm what happens is Mini-bus drivers no longer want to wait for barrels to be moved or to give the sensible right of way to oncoming traffic - reason being that oncoming traffic is made up of fellow mini-bus drivers and therefore will always be oncoming unless they are restrained from doing so - this is when the mini-bus driver decides to go to war and push on through the muddy gully of doom regardless - which is very hard to do when it’s been raining for most of the day, there’s only enough room for one vehicle anyway and the person coming towards you is a mini-bus driver who is just as stupid as you are.

So what happens is around 40 mini-buses pile into the gully from opposite directions - get stuck in the mud - beep horns - shout - argue - and accelerate into any available space believing forward motion is progress and not in fact just ensuring they are going to be there for even longer - meanwhile everyone else realises that the mini-bus drivers have fucked the bridge up again - perform 3 point turns and try and find another longer route round.

Which sometimes leads to Lorries backing up and getting into impossible situations and blocking the entire road while getting stuck in the bush - like this:

So what is the answer??

Grow old and grey watching in disbelief as the next id-jot dives into the mini-bus melting pot down in the river??

Wait around for a few hours at the office for traffic to die down around 7pm??

Take the long way round and encounter even more idiotic Malawian Motor vehicle related Mayhem? (note that people walk home for the most part - and they walk in the road or ride bikes - and they are also not the crispiest crackers in the packet either, so you often nearly clip a few people by the roadside when things are busy)


No - you go the secret-secret back way through the jungle/forest area behind the industrial estate:

There’s only room for one and it gets very interesting when the rains have been - you really need the 4x4 for it as well - and nerve wracking as it may be due to the unpredictable nature of things popping up out of nowhere and other cars/trucks possibly coming the other way - (and the fact that I am not a good driver and shouldn’t be in control of such a vehicle) the 6 or 7 minute ride sure beats the hell out of sitting around watching Mini-bus Mavuto (trouble) for 40 mins before fighting your way through that fucking muddy gully.


Fucking Mini-buses - the motorised version of Mosquitoes I tell you - death to them all - the world would be an infinitely better place.

Spo | February 5, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

February 1, 2007

Zomba Plateau…..

Spo | February 1, 2007 | Comments
Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

January 28, 2007

Kumwa Ndi Kovina…….

It was just one of those nights that came out of nowhere - we were sitting watching the football and a the chalets were full with quiet types from Scotland and Norway - looked like a lazy evening ahead as the sunset (zooalookalowa) had burned it’s last.

Then 17 English teaching students turned up out of nowhere - majority of them fairly beautiful and between 18-22 - we got my playlists from the I-pod hooked up to the stereo - shots started flowing and before you know it the dance floor was packed and people were up on the bar - Anton switched to African Kwasa Kwasa music and the whole thing just took off and didn’t stop flying until the early hours.

Lake nights like these come out of nowhere and stay with you for a long time - the hangover the next day was one of my worst ever - but it was very much worth it.

We drove 4 of the girls home the next day - teachers staying in Zomba - promised to show them around and take them up every time the lake looks likely.

Which it does every other weekend to be honest.

Spo | January 28, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

January 27, 2007

Zooalookalowa Bwino!…….

This is what we saw from the Gecko lounge bar veranda just before the Saturday night really jumped up a notch and a packed place danced till the early hours - nights at the lake look like this every day.

Spo | January 27, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal | Pictures

January 27, 2007

Gecko lounge……

We made the journey up from Blantyre on Friday and were at Lake Nyasa in 3 or 4 hours or so - Paul drove and knows the straight road like the back of his hand - had it been me perhaps we would still be driving - although the road isn’t as bad as I remember it used to be 6 years ago, the rainy season brings flash floods that wash away entire sections of the tarmac in places - the water can rush through with enough strength to create metre deep pits in the road surfaces - never the less, with the king at the wheel it seemed like we were there in no time at all - just one or two sections where it all went a bit ski-Sunday and it seems like you are slaloming round the plot-holes - the drunk drivers drive straight as they say....

Upon arrival I was blown away to see the lake again - easily the most beautiful sight seen upon this earth by my eyes.

That first night we took it easy and I saw Anton (who runs the place for Paul who owns it - he’s got Narcolepsy and falls asleep everywhere but otherwise is sharp as daggers) for the first time in 6 years and met the other guys running the show - Levi and Rodney - good people who Paul knows and trusts for years.

Gecko Lounge

Central bar area and Veranda overlooking the lake to the left as you walk in - the right handside has a block for toilets and then and L shaped block that has two rooms with kitchen in-between (restaurant on site) - behind this there are two chalets that sleep up to 5 people each - dead centre there is the garden and beach front.

Gecko brewing up at dusk

side view bar

shoreline front view

veranda

tables

speedboat gecko

room middle corridor where the two rooms and kitchen are

two chalets all the way over to the right

Spo | January 27, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Personal | Pictures

January 27, 2007

Bar Bill……

Saturday

8 x JD’s
6 x Coke
9 x shots of Po-10-C
4 x absolute vodka
1 x water
7 x Carlsberg Greens
6 x JW black label
2 x 3 barrels rum

Friday

4 x black labels
1 x 20 benny hedgehogs
4 x JD
2 x coke
1 x water

15925 kw = 60 of your English quid Guv’nor

With prices like these, you can really create quite a hangover.

Spo | January 27, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

January 11, 2006

Scooter Mayhem….

“well you’re coming off somewhere – it’s just a question of when”

Start with a defeatist attitude and you will be defeated preaches the self help empire – yeah, well with my track record it’s god damned common sense, dagnamnit – only fools are fearless, courage is having fear and doing it anyway - after the arduous trail was negotiated one way – beach reached and a couple of beers later with rumbling grey skies above us, we did the trail again – beat it both times with only minor spills (I swear I had dodgy brakes).

The three of us made it out the other side – the proverbial scooter journey to the dark side of the moon and back – I had conquered the scooter – it was now my bitch.

Then, at an innocent junction – confidence got the better of me – one feisty rev too much and an instinctive full on use of the brakes and acceleration at the same time – back wheel slides left – front wheel strives to kiss the sun – “look at me ma, top of the world!” – then your surfing the tarmac wave using your right arm and leg for purchase – ass smackdown and bounce right back up again as you slide through two lanes of traffic.

That’s me

- went to war –

- made it out the other side –

- died falling off the boat home, drunk -

Spo | January 11, 2006 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal | Pictures

December 19, 2005

Hey Nature - WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!?!

I’m a good boy and I don’t curse in front of my mother - but certain circumstances demand and command the use of swear words and this was one of them:

There is a fucking wasp nest the size of a small fucking child in our fucking loft for fucks sake!
Yes that’s two years old now - stop swearing!
Two fucking years old! this has been here for two fucking years! nobody fucking told me! have you seen the fucking size of this fucking thing! it’s fucking massive! my room is fucking underneath that! you could fucking get inside that! fuck! fuck it’s a big wasp nest! are they fucking dead!? are you sure?! there isn’t anything in that fucking thing? Christ! it looks alive! Fuck!
STOP SWEARING!
This demands fucking swearing! that’s a fucking big wasp nest!
The council was going to remove it one summer but in the end it was better to just let them die - they don’t come back
How do you know that? what sense does it make to spend all summer building a wasp nest - a fucking big wasp nest I might add - and then all die out and never fucking return?
That’s nature for you - and stop swearing so much
Nature is Fucked up!

(when I have a situation where I think I can justifiably swear like a trooper in front of my mother then I really do squeeze the maximum out of it - there’s a little of Bart Simpson in all of us I feel)

Spo | December 19, 2005 | Comments
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November 2, 2005

The Last Jakarta Dawn…… ?

This was all shot after Yuni and I were awoke at 5am by my brother from another mother Barnes - usually 5am phone calls freak the hell out of me, as to ring at such a time it must be bad news - but Barnes just hadn't got his head round the whole 6 hour difference from UK - yes, I've been away for 3 years..... he's still not got it... bless im.....

But in the end I woke to see the above in stages over the next hour or so.... Yuni and I stood out there on the balcony watching as Jakarta brewed up for my last day....

Shall miss my Jakarta Dawns....and the company I watched them with.

Spo | November 2, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Personal | Pictures

October 27, 2005

And So It Is…..

Spo | October 27, 2005 | Comments
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October 25, 2005

Shouldn’t it of been Psy-Mese?

my cat used to like toothpaste and fighting like a ninja

as much as a cat can

she was Siamese

although not a Simian

which you would think things from Siam would be referred to

if Siam existed

where was Siam exactly?

and were Siamese cats from there?

and what is the difference between “were” and “where”?

I seem to use them alternately when they feel right

I don’t remember the actual reasoning.....

I’ve said too much. pass the whisky. a toast.

I am relieved that there is no serial killer of cats in your neighbourhood.

Spo | October 25, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Kaneheads Kompanion | Ojeni | Personal | Pictures

September 20, 2005

Jakarta Dawns…

Spo | September 20, 2005 | Comments
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September 6, 2005

Tea Fields of the Lord….

So I do occasionally go to the actual tea fields and get my hands dirty - it’s not all rock stars and limousines - in Vietnam going to the tea plantations and meeting with producers was more rewarding as the industry is not 100% government controlled - this means that sometimes you are talking to people who have a genuine vested interest in doing the best they can and money earned drifts down rather than siphoned off - they are actually as enthusiastic as you are about making good tea and finding a regular home to ship to - more difficult when the guy is only due two years in a ceremonial position and he gets paid whether they make good tea or not.

These pics are from one of the few Indonesian private gardens (80% is government controlled) - it’s about 1000-1500mt above sea level - huge expanses of green carpet with shading trees dotted around - guy running the show keeps rabbits and tells ghost stories - place is so peaceful - drifting clouds - clean air - lush surroundings - occasional earthquake - back to basics - beats the hell out of this confused, chaotic, corrupt, polluted, melting pot called Jakarta.

Spo | September 6, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Personal | Pictures

August 10, 2005

And what drink would you like with your meal sir?….

This was from the actual snake restaurant

we went to end of last year

I’ve got some fairly gruesome video clips of the whole cutting out the still beating heart and drinking it thing - but they are on my nokia phone and I’m not sure how to host on the site - plus the MB size would be difficult to upload using this shitty Indo dial up I have.

Plus I have made the ladies in the audience feel sick enough I think (so don’t keep scrolling if this is the case)

Below is from the kicthens - they skin the snakes which are still thrashing around - don’t know what the deal is with snakes but even when they cut the hearts out they still keep on going for a bit.

Freaky reptile little bastards.

Once the skinning and killing is done they chop and grind the whole thing and your meal consists of pure snake - cooked, boiled, grilled and any other cooking type euphemism you can think of. They even go as far as to make a whisky using the snakes… erm.... apendages - as shown by Tri below:

The words I think you are looking for are:

“No Fucking Way!”

The Answer is:

“Yes Way!”

Snakes are Scrumptious

spread the word

Spo | August 10, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Vietnam | Kaneheads Kompanion | Personal | Pictures

August 4, 2005

Storms Subsiding…..

This was in Nam last year when we were up north in Yen Bai coming back from the tea plantations. The mother of all rainstorms kicked off, we took shelter under the tree’s to wait it out, listen to the roar and watch the bombardment. Then, as suddenly as it had started, it stopped - the menacing dark clouds went their separate ways, the light from the heavens poured through and then the serene tranquillity resumed.Mr.Noodle started the engine and we drove on home.


Sort of how I’m hoping things are going to go from now until Saturday after getting back from the hospital.

Tropical Bacterial Virus’s suck even more than the movie Cursed.....

.....and I really do fucking hate that movie with an unbridled passion, so do not say such things lightly.

Spo | August 4, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Vietnam | Pictures

July 29, 2005

Bring me Saturday…

Strom Brewing - Tea Brewing - See?

I was going to write some sort of Friday catacombs of the mind type thing, as my posts this week have been on a variety of subjects apart from the actual thoughts running through my head - but last night I got back at 1am and cooked - and drunken cooking sometimes can be a foolhardy act - so now I’m not very well - there’s a fuzzy fog of the mind and my stomach feels like a monkey bath - I’m not praying to that great white porcelain God exactly - but I’m far from Golden - after a restless night I still tried to do a decent days work - but bailed at 3pm to return to the palace of loaf to load up on pills, drink water and finish the ”Jack is fucking legend” thing which I’ve been meaning to get done since I re-watched One flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest a couple of weekends ago - anyways.... I will attack the page and go to war with the word tomorrow instead - bring me Saturday - bless your cotton toes of goodness Saturday - good night.....

Spo | July 29, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Pictures

July 21, 2005

I’m Going To 2nd Bed….

.... I was asked ....

.... if I live on a mountain....
....nope, I’m 14 floors up is all....
....and I can’t be doing with curtains this high....
....simply too much trouble....
....like stairs....

....(be it walking up them, or falling down them)....
.... ....
....so when the sun rises around 6am....
....unconsciously so do I....
....and the above is usually along the lines of what I see....
....and then I get....

....to go to....
....2nd Bed....

........2nd bed is best....
....
....when you slowly rise reluctantly realising....

....its time to go be in the world again....
....feeling like you want a bit more....

....of that other place you were just in....
....claw back that scrumptious comfiness of the foggy mind....

....

....
....five more minutes please....
....and then it dawns on you as the sun does upon the city outside....

....it’s ok....
....it’s Kool n de Gang in fact....
....you got two more hours yet....
....

....
....You Got 2nd Bed....

Spo | July 21, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Kaneheads Kompanion | Pictures

July 16, 2005

Seems like the gods of nature are not too happy with what we’ve done with the place….

Staring out into the black haze, I hear a thousand snakes hissing on the road outside,

As the sound of the Gods moving furniture around in the clouds shakes my windows,

On the roof above me ancient hands rain down on tribal drums of indonesias lost culture,

As in the far away distance Giants take pictures of it all using flash bulb photography from the 1800’s.....

.....there’s a storm brewing in Jakarta tonight..... and I’m keeping well out of the way..

Spo | July 16, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Indonesia | Pictures