King of the Monkey Butlers

January 30, 2007

Engine Problem…..

..... and the problem is that I am in control of it.

I don’t mix well with vehicles - many people know this - I know this - and the car they have me driving over here is a 4x4 Pajero monster - this thing is Humongous - and that is not a word I use lightly - it’s a fucking beast of note - the width, the length, the power - I’ve never been savvy with engine sizes, litre injections and all that Mcguffin - I don’t know much at all about cars to be honest - no idea how they work or how they do what they do - don’t know names etc etc - key goes in - you turn it - press pedals and buttons along with flicking levers - point it in the right direction and try and let people know your intentions - end of - but what I do know is that this is a powerful monster of a car and you can end up doing 150kmph without even noticing - and on the roads of Malawi that is very fucking dangerous.

So far I’ve busted the front tyre driving in that Friday storm - I’ve seemed to have managed to do something to the internal battery as well, invloved jump lead type situations and I am not someone you want around electrics and wires but we’ve got a new battery sorted now - and I’ve got to get the fan-belt replaced as that has started shrieking all over town due to me exerting the engine or something - but last few days I’ve got comfortable with the feel of the thing - where as before I’d worry about every pot-hole, every corner, every dodgy traffic light and all the make your own rules junctions - now I kind of know what I’m doing and am driving the thing with more confidence.

This is not a good thing however - thinking I’ve mastered the art of the beast when in fact I am still a mere kindergarten pupil has led to some rather heinous errors today.

First was pulling out too quick onto a main road - then regretting it, trying to reverse before crunching to a halt quick fast when I heard the horn of the guy behind me - petrified I was going to reverse all the way over his corrola and crush it like a coke can (although to be fair he shouldn’t of been tailgaiting and I did stop before actually doing any real damage - but that was due to his blaring horn I suppose)

Second was heading out tonight were the front and back left hand tyres slipped off the down hill road and into the drainage gulley - the road had worn away and I was trying to make sure I was as far over as possible due to a truck coming the other way - car jackknifed a bit and I nearly hit the truck side on but got my game back to straighten out and shoot on through - bit of a freak out though.

Then heading back from Limbe just now I lost my bearings, followed the wrong split in the road and drove the wrong way down a dual carriage way.

Yup.

This is the second time this has happened - the first being a slip road in Southampton and I still remember the aghast disbelieving faces of oncoming drivers as they passed before I did a quick U-turn and scampered back up the way I came - hoping no-one else was coming the other way.

Tonight wasn’t so bad as it was late and the road was relatively deserted - although you have to take into consideration the stupidity factor of the majority of Malawian drivers here (although obviously I am not one to talk) and the fact that even though I am attempting a three point turn facing the wrong way on a dual carriage way, this may not deter oncoming drivers from actually slowing down when approaching me as they would in UK.

It was pretty hairy though - just because it was dark and the road design was perplexing - I carried on a 150-200 yards or so before I figured it out - and then it was a case of..... could I make it to the end without anyone noticing????......

Doofus.

Fuck - it’s matter of time before that car and myself have a serious falling out isn’t it?

Spo | January 30, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi

January 28, 2007

Kumwa Ndi Kovina…….

It was just one of those nights that came out of nowhere - we were sitting watching the football and a the chalets were full with quiet types from Scotland and Norway - looked like a lazy evening ahead as the sunset (zooalookalowa) had burned it’s last.

Then 17 English teaching students turned up out of nowhere - majority of them fairly beautiful and between 18-22 - we got my playlists from the I-pod hooked up to the stereo - shots started flowing and before you know it the dance floor was packed and people were up on the bar - Anton switched to African Kwasa Kwasa music and the whole thing just took off and didn’t stop flying until the early hours.

Lake nights like these come out of nowhere and stay with you for a long time - the hangover the next day was one of my worst ever - but it was very much worth it.

We drove 4 of the girls home the next day - teachers staying in Zomba - promised to show them around and take them up every time the lake looks likely.

Which it does every other weekend to be honest.

Spo | January 28, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

January 27, 2007

Zooalookalowa Bwino!…….

This is what we saw from the Gecko lounge bar veranda just before the Saturday night really jumped up a notch and a packed place danced till the early hours - nights at the lake look like this every day.

January 27, 2007

Gecko lounge……

We made the journey up from Blantyre on Friday and were at Lake Nyasa in 3 or 4 hours or so - Paul drove and knows the straight road like the back of his hand - had it been me perhaps we would still be driving - although the road isn’t as bad as I remember it used to be 6 years ago, the rainy season brings flash floods that wash away entire sections of the tarmac in places - the water can rush through with enough strength to create metre deep pits in the road surfaces - never the less, with the king at the wheel it seemed like we were there in no time at all - just one or two sections where it all went a bit ski-Sunday and it seems like you are slaloming round the plot-holes - the drunk drivers drive straight as they say....

Upon arrival I was blown away to see the lake again - easily the most beautiful sight seen upon this earth by my eyes.

That first night we took it easy and I saw Anton (who runs the place for Paul who owns it - he’s got Narcolepsy and falls asleep everywhere but otherwise is sharp as daggers) for the first time in 6 years and met the other guys running the show - Levi and Rodney - good people who Paul knows and trusts for years.

Gecko Lounge

Central bar area and Veranda overlooking the lake to the left as you walk in - the right handside has a block for toilets and then and L shaped block that has two rooms with kitchen in-between (restaurant on site) - behind this there are two chalets that sleep up to 5 people each - dead centre there is the garden and beach front.

Gecko brewing up at dusk

side view bar

shoreline front view

veranda

tables

speedboat gecko

room middle corridor where the two rooms and kitchen are

two chalets all the way over to the right

January 27, 2007

Bar Bill……

Saturday

8 x JD’s
6 x Coke
9 x shots of Po-10-C
4 x absolute vodka
1 x water
7 x Carlsberg Greens
6 x JW black label
2 x 3 barrels rum

Friday

4 x black labels
1 x 20 benny hedgehogs
4 x JD
2 x coke
1 x water

15925 kw = 60 of your English quid Guv’nor

With prices like these, you can really create quite a hangover.

Spo | January 27, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi | Pictures

January 24, 2007

Arrived Africa…..

Indeed I am Africa but I am not yet sun burnt - I think I have finally learned from the many, many, many, times that the great god of fire in the sky has punished me for being too lackadaisical about the extent of his powers.

There have been a number of events so far though - notably earlier this morning when the gardener/pool guy Richard mixed the cleaning chemicals the wrong way causing what ever he was mixing (later revealed to be chlorine and acid) to explode in his face - one minute I’m eating mango’s by the pool - next a sound like a shotgun blast rings out and Richard is screaming for help with his eyes seeming like they had been burned beyond redemption - the two women who work here didn’t know what to do - chaos reigned for a minute before I got my bearings and decided that trying to wash his face is a bad idea as too much water and chemicals mixing may make it even worse - I bundled him into the Pajero and made a mad dash to the local hospital.

A combination of pot holes - not knowing how to drive my hoofing great car properly (I’d had it about 5 days) - not knowing the general direction of where the hospital was - and Richards screaming all conspired to make the journey a frantic rabbit in the headlights kind of experience - knowing that the faster you get this sort of thing seen to, the better chance of Richard being able to see again means you just kind of put your foot down and hope the obvious urgency of my erratic driving alerted people to get the feck out of the way.

We got to the hospital within 10 mins of the explosion and after being directed to drive round to the right section (they had a specific eye hospital), I was faced with a small reception room full of about 60-70 Africans all in various states of eye related agony - for a second I thought about waiting our turn - then I remembered Richard may never be able to see for the rest of his life and pushed in and politley as possible made a lot of noise - I decided that if people thought I was being a typical white colonial queue jumper while throwing my considerable weight around then so be it, Richard gets to see again.

Doctors got to him quick smart and said that they were still able to treat the burns in time and that he should be ok in 24-48 hours - I’m not optimistic though - it looked fairly fecked up to me - but apparently this was the best eye hospital/doctor in the city - the only better option being the private hospital further away and they use these eye doctors as well - their own coming every so often from SA so no guarantee that they would be there.

The reason I was at home this morning is that the tax people were visiting the tea office today and I am not supposed to be actually working here (I’m studying if anyone asks) - if I hadn’t been at home I think he would of been well and truly fecked.

After being bandaged up and led to a ward they made up a mattress on the floor - I waited with Richard while one of the guys from the office took one of the staff girls from my house to find Richards wife and get him some food / drink / change of clothes.

I’m sure nobody needs telling that local African hospitals are very, very fucked up places - there’s all kinds of wrongness going on in there - No ones got any proper beds and there weren’t many nurses about - everyone seemed to be looking after each other - so we sorted a private room were his wife can stay with him and he could get a bit of piece and quiet and perhaps a bit more attention.

The guy has a wife and three kids and is the sole earner - I have only just met him but he’s a kind friendly hard working fellow and shouldn’t lose his eye sight over cleaning a swimming pool of all things - being blind and poor in Africa is a nasty combination - fingers indeed very much crossed that the doctors words come true and he gets his sight back.

So that was today so far.

Tuesday I was in the auction and accidentally made a massive error that could of altered the price of low-grade teas on the international markets - luckily I was allowed to change my bid - the audible gasp from the room and the look of incredulity on the auction brokers face alerted me to the fact that I may have made a bit of a mistake.

Monday there was no electricity and I burned my foot on dripping candle wax that burned through the bottom of the candle holder cube thingy I was carrying about - that really really fecking hurts by the way, as a good globule of it burns it’s way into your skin before you get it off.

Weekend = whisky + football on TV + meeting old friends + finding bars again (no reunion with crazy ex-missus who told me she was dead “but not really” yet)

Friday last week we had torrential rain and storms and I rather foolishly tried driving to the next town across to see a friend of mine (the one that owns the bar by the lake) - again not being able to see very well due to weather, first time driving since Indonesia more or less and dodgy roads full of holes conspired against me and my front right tyre blew out - managed to struggle along to a petrol garage and organise some guys to get it fixed up - tyre was proper fecked though and has to buy a new one in town over the wknd.

Robin and his family (who were here before me) left on Thursday so I’ve only really had connections (crappy ones) since then due to the handover.

Off driving round the tea estates the next two days before going up to Paul’s bar by the lake over the wknd - judging from the last week it should be fairly eventful.....

Good to be back - no day is ever the same here - but that’s a good thing if nothing like what happened today ever happens again.

Spo | January 24, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Malawi