I’m on auto-pilot lately, not totally zoned out though - I’ve been able to do a lot of thinking in the time spent drifting through each day but I haven’t been able to put anything down in writing I’ve read over a lot of the last year instead how seriously fucked up was Jakarta? It seems like I was drunk the whole time I was there and not in a life and soul of the day kind of way, more in a waking up and not knowing what, where or who the fuck happened last night state of play - these days I’m leading the quiet life I suppose.

There’s a lot in place but there are still vital pieces missing notably the fact that right now it seems the people in my life number me, myself and I - but being on my own has allowed me to get things in order I’m looking after myself pretty well and I’ve got the finances in order I’m reading books, watching old movies and cooking up a storm in the kitchen, work is work - thing with tea tasting is that you are always making new blends and tasting new samples - it never grinds too much - making a sale is what you chase during the hours given - you want bites with calls always leading somewhere, followed by emails of acceptance - when it flows like that you wish on time to go slower, but when it doesn’t and the afternoons drag, you still get to pretty much taste tea all day and get paid for it.

Straightening things out in my head like I know that I’m not feeling low like I used to while working in Asia at times - but I’m also never getting to the highs I had out there as well.

I think that the way I’ve gone about my life in the last three years has led to a lot of isolation I was in a very different time zone to friends and family back home in the UK and I was living in a bit of a fish out of water existence culturally and socially, I got used to being by myself - routines set in - work took so much of my time in Vietnam and when the bureaucracy and stagnation of the Indonesian tea industry didn’t allow that during my time in Jakarta, I think whisky then took its place reading back over old posts this certainly seems to be the case - and my relationship with Yuni was a bit of a car crash as well - I should of drunk less with someone in my life like that and if anything, I drank more.

I’m not drinking like I used to now in fact I’m hardly drinking at all bottle of wine on a Saturday - but now I’m back working in the western world again I can see that where as before I just told myself that the isolation I felt was due to the circumstances, the job, the drink - you know, they where what I pointed to and now I feel I’m still living the same way despite changes in all those areas and it’s not like I don’t enjoy life or feel like I’m wasting my time - I look forward to the ways I spend my weekends - I take comfort in the routines I have - the little things that make up life and all - but I do realise that I can’t keep things the way they are or I’ll end up even more withdrawn.

I don’t really feel like doing anything about it yet though and I’m not sure why - I suppose when I get the answer to that question straightened out the Moonlight Mile Moment of clarity - that’s when changes are made - in my history I’ve always seemed to find the answers to problems under the influence of one vice or another - and clean living of late appears to ask more questions than answer them - I’m thinking again it would seem....

....And from looking at the page in front of me - writing again too.