December 24, 2005
Hey you Crazy Kids….
Should the next few days prove too hectic, I will be back on 9th of Jan – I may be able to let you know how things go in Thailand along the way.
Cheers for your well wishes and CD orders – matters are in hand - Keep it frosty people - fevered strokes to your chinny chins!
Spo | December 24, 2005 | Comments
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December 20, 2005
Honey Trap..
She was a little wasted due to after work vino – it was proper parky cold out and she needed telephonic company for the train ride home…
“you just talk for a bit, the other people are staring at me”
“is that why you are whispering”
“yes”
“Ok – not a problem - I can easily get a gibber on”
“why are you whispering?”
“I don’t know – I’m alone in bed – I think whispering is just kind of like yawning – incorrigible amongst others”
A vast array of subjects were discussed over the next 40 mins or so - notably that there is some sort of legal druggy plant that is being eaten in stews and drunk in teas out in Thailand and to hilariously quote the lonely planet “turns travelers into wandering zombies clawing at their own hallucinations for up to three days - I was not allowed to touch any of that.
This led to what would happen if either of us were zombies and the other had a 28 days later kind of situation going on – bitten - going to turn soon - she would of shot me in the head! – I was shocked! - I’d of tied her up in the shed and hoped she sort herself out – she said she didn’t want to see me like that – but I wanted to be a zombie, I’d ride the wave, see out the storm – I’d be like Ed in Shaun of the Dead – I’d have basic recognition of those in my life I really cared about and I wouldn’t bite them – I was sure of that:
“DO NOT stove my head in at the first sign of being bitten! – only if I am really well and truly a right nasty biter and there is no alternative – otherwise put me in the shed on a chain – I’ll be a different zombie I promise - you would just have to feed me people you don’t like on a regular basis – even zombies won’t bite the hand that feeds them”
“I think zombies pretty much bite anything – sorry I don’t trust zombies”
“I won’t be a complete zombie – I’ll still be me – a little”
“Ok but first sign that you are thinking about it, a peck, a nibble, even a sniff – and you are history buster”
And then there was the hostage rescue dilemma – somewhere like Colombia or the Middles East - she said she’d raise cash for the ransom…
“start a business, get clever minds together and find a niche market”
“I don’t think there’ll be time for that - they’ll want a quick return - that’s the whole idea - quick cash”
“try not to annoy them too much - play for time”
“this is outrageous! You’re starting a business and getting support and sales on the back of my hostage situation! It’s all a bit Gordon Gecko if you ask me!.....if it was you I would get down there to the gates and offer an exchange, a straight swap – such a gesture will curry favour with the people – show the terrorists have compassion – and if they didn’t go for it I’d just volunteer and get in there with you – so you wouldn’t be alone”
“that’s sweet but we’d end up killing each other rather than the terrorists doing it”
“I might be a bit Oh now look what you’ve gotten us into, I told you to wear a burkkha and stay off the wine with you at first, but I’d befriend the hostage takers, formulate a plan and we’d escape eventually”
“this is exactly what I’m talking about – we aren’t escaping – you’ll fuck it up for both of us – we should just pace it out, keep our heads down and let the authorities take care of it”
“Ah come on! You can’t tell me you’ve never thought about escaping a hostage situation!”
“these are things that you think about – not other people – just you”
“look we’ll get friendly with one of the guards – he’ll show his hand – we’ll play on his good side and when he’s not looking - we’ll strike - steal his guns and make a run for it”
“No – they’ll all be dedicated to the cause – they won’t fall for idol chatter”
“we may have to use you as a honey trap….”
“No honey trap!…. Look the people on the train are looking at me”
“maybe you should whisper again”
I kept her company all the way to the door…
Spo | December 20, 2005 | Comments
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December 19, 2005
Hey Nature - WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!?!
I’ve been away three years and now back in the house that raised me - until my place is finished next spring I am unashamedly taking advantage of the home comforts - the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, cups of tea and easy street living - I do my bit, pay my way and will do what ever task is asked - they get their son on call for a while - everyone’s happy - sure, I can’t outstay the welcome and it doesn’t look too good to prospective female companions to still be living with your parents - but it isn’t for long and for the here and now I’m a lucky boy.
I’m a good boy and I don’t curse in front of my mother - but certain circumstances demand and command the use of swear words and this was one of them:
There is a fucking wasp nest the size of a small fucking child in our fucking loft for fucks sake!
Yes that’s two years old now - stop swearing!
Two fucking years old! this has been here for two fucking years! nobody fucking told me! have you seen the fucking size of this fucking thing! it’s fucking massive! my room is fucking underneath that! you could fucking get inside that! fuck! fuck it’s a big wasp nest! are they fucking dead!? are you sure?! there isn’t anything in that fucking thing? Christ! it looks alive! Fuck!
STOP SWEARING!
This demands fucking swearing! that’s a fucking big wasp nest!
The council was going to remove it one summer but in the end it was better to just let them die - they don’t come back
How do you know that? what sense does it make to spend all summer building a wasp nest - a fucking big wasp nest I might add - and then all die out and never fucking return?
That’s nature for you - and stop swearing so much
Nature is Fucked up!
(when I have a situation where I think I can justifiably swear like a trooper in front of my mother then I really do squeeze the maximum out of it - there’s a little of Bart Simpson in all of us I feel)
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December 19, 2005
Awestruck by Ape….
I truly love the cinema and the escapism it brings - if someone wants to put all that effort into telling me a story then I’m quite happy to sit quietly and let them do their best to enthral - acting, direction, lighting, sound, location and a fine script set to a pace - pull it all together and I’m sold - and I’ll sit through all kinds of tales - I’ll usually give anything a chance - just all I ask is to take me to another place and try to sell it like it’s true.
Suspension of disbelief is the key.
For example, I’ll tap into the giant lizard running amok in Godzilla, but when they pull a move like trying to make us believe the helicopters are chasing this huge creature and they turn a corner of city street and lose the big green fucker - that’s a throw things at the screen and call bullshit moment - I’ve suspended reality enough already - don’t push it.
This is why I didn’t get swept up in the hype and really fall over myself to rush out and see King Kong - it just seemed like it wasn’t something they could ask today’s audience to buy into - that they find a mysterious island, woman falls in love with giant ape and they end up on top the Empire State Building as Bi-planes buzz around - 1930’s, when you have an audience that hasn’t seen the things today’s folk of seen, maybe - but these days we’ve been everywhere with cinema - we are far more used to unconsciously reading films and their patterns of storytelling - we’ll go with any idea - but they’ve gotta make a decent attempt to sell it like it’s true.
Now when cinema is about the spectacle - the blockbuster - the crowd pleaser - the event movie - they are trying to make mass market fast food appeal to all product - the more denominations it can appeal to the better - the less complicated the better - less controversial etc etc - you can end up with some serious clagshite in a bag like Independence Day or Pearl Harbour - King Kong just seemed like it was all set up to go down that path - big dumb cheesy popcorn fodder - Godzilla all over again (I never actually paid to see that and even when it ended up on TV I could only give it 20mins at best)
The Greatest Spectacle cinema I’ve seen - the films that contain moments of jaw dropping awe - when you are transfixed and totally wrapped up in the world they are selling you - I’m talking the scenes like the T-Rex attacking the cars in Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones running for his life at the beginning of Raiders, the X-wing assault on the death star in Star Wars and even Titanic - script and wafer thin story aside, the actual sinking of the ship still remains one of the most amazing things I’ve seen on a cinema screen - it’s gone beyond plain story telling in some ways - it’s bringing everything together, grabbing your soul and pulling you into the screen, adrenaline pumping, eyes wide and open mouthed - can you believe this shit? - and you can - that’s how good it is - you can actually believe.
And I’m very happy to say that after coming back from King Kong just now - I can very easily believe in a mysterious island, angry dinosaurs, giant insects, a ragtag bunch of filmmakers and shipmates surviving (well some of them) some of the most extraordinary tests imagination can conjure and finally the unspoken love between a woman and a giant Ape the size of a four storey building.
It was absolutely fucking awesome.
Spo | December 19, 2005 | Comments
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December 17, 2005
Sinking Doofus ….
Spo | December 17, 2005 | Comments
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December 15, 2005
Round the corner…
I’m losing touch with too many people these days - make the time I guess - but up at 6am and a day winding down come 8pm - that next two or three hours you wanna loaf a bit, blog a little, drink a tipple, get some food cooking, read a touch, burn that tune, watch that film, make that call, write that mail, meet that girl, sort that bill, fill in that form, place a bet, try to get set up to develop all those god damn photo’s, say hi to your folks, jump in the shower, quick cuppa, piece of toast, get your shit together for the next day and close your eyes and dream of Kylie in the cake factory....
Life doesn’t really move that fast - it just doesn’t give you the time somedays.
That’s what Thailand on the 27th will be about I think - taking the time out life offers you every once in a while - although right this minute I’d still like to take the money for the ticket back rather than actually go - especially when nothing was planned further than the arrival date - ”lackadaisical loafers rolling up in Bangkok and expecting shit to just sort itself out as we went along” was the initial plan - but after a bit of investigation we realised a more organised approach was required - internal flights were all selling out pretty quick and hotels, buses and ferries were preaching the limited vacancies sermon - some of it legit, some of it bullshit, to be sure - but flying halfway round the world for such a short time, we needed a better plan than just turning up - now all is in hand and things are looking up - (though it has to be said that if a woman was involved in this planning it would of been looking up a hell of a lot sooner)
I’d still take the money over the ticket right now - too many sensible things it would be better spent on - but then again, right now I don’t know what a full moon style New Years beach party with 20’000 other people on the sandy shores of Koh Phangan feels like - after the event, chances are I won’t be asking for my money back from what I’ve heard.
If all goes califragalistically it will probably all go too quickly as well - but I’ll be sure to savour it while it burns - I’ll do my level best to stay awake as long as possible, take some shots to trance you and come back with some tales of mis-adventure to humour you.
However, if it all goes wrong and I end up broken, lost and penniless and then somehow end up in some Butt-clenching pit of roach infested hell Thai Jail looking at eternity in suffering - then be assured I didn’t do it - it wasn’t me - it was all a set up and break me out A-team style as soon as possible - there’s too much round the corner I’ve not had time to not have time for.
Spo | December 15, 2005 | Comments
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December 13, 2005
I was totally Sebastian this evening….
Sure, one of the girls Irina is married to Ruslan who is a client, a friend and also the size of Godzilla’s dad, but her friend, mischkeybinksychev, or what ever it was – stunning! – completely in love with me! – if she wasn’t on a plane to Moscow tomorrow morning we’d be god damn married with three kids and a farm in Devon I tell you!
Devon I tell you!
Farm!
Russian women – god damn it – something in the mix there – sort of straight and narrow yet bendy – cold yet comfy – reserved yet liberated - an accent that demands you pay attention yet they hang on every word – they hit a drinking plateau that allows them to sort of maintain the same level for a considerable amount of time before straying into useless – did I mention the accent? – palm of my hand I tell you! Palm of my hand!
Great Game! Great Game!
Swooning on the platform as my train pulled out I tell you!
Swooning!
Fool for leaving you may say - but in the end - ever the Gent....
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December 12, 2005
So Let Go….
......wrapped up in live for the weekend existence and petty adolescent soap opera - all of it meant the world at the time - some of us have now fallen by the wayside far as the group goes, but I at least still know them all as friends where ever they may be - all of us growing up together - those photo's so priceless...
in a few shots ....something in the eyes between her and I ..... such classic times.... then I walked home and Frou Frou's "Let Go" comes on I-pod random.......and I get a text message from her.... and it's all like....
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December 9, 2005
Pssst…
Spo | December 9, 2005 | Comments
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December 9, 2005
Eh? Shooooo’s?
I call bullshit.
Maybe dress sense etc gives a hint to character but shoes alone? we wear shoes to go on feet and put the ones on that suit the occaision - usually from a choice of three - loafing slippers, trainers, shiny shoes that have or have not been shined recently.
Maybe a bit of wellington, hoofing, climber, runner type shoe gets in on the act if you go special.
Practical.
She says that shoes break men into many different catergories - I say there are two:
- Men who know women look at shoes so wear smart ones to try and get laid.
- Men who decide they can’t be arsed trying to figure out why women would sleep with a man becasue of what he wears on his feet and wear any old pair they found lying around.
Spo | December 9, 2005 | Comments
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December 8, 2005
Blood in the water….
My boss is a difficult man to work for – you gotta kinda get into a better the devil you know kind of place with him – the initially frightening aspects of his character become eccentricities after a while – like the way he hangs upside down from his ankles from the door frame to sort his bad back out (I shit thee not).
He has his many detractors – but today he pulled off one of the greatest trades I’ve ever seen – he noted a companies buying had stepped up from the way they were chasing for shipping info, he knew there’d been an ownership buy out meaning purchasing patterns may of changed, he had a 40ft container coming into port containing teas we really needed to get shot of and the timing was perfect – 4.50pm just before the teas landed we could divert for delivery elsewhere if needed – boom goes the dynamite - he called and caught them at the right time – buyer bought without even seeing the samples – an hour later the costs would have been much higher after landing fees etc – basically this was a cream covered chef hat wearing Kylie of a sweet trade – it all came together – the yin, the yang, the magpies, the red skies, the dice playing snake eyes – when he finished the call how he didn’t crack a smile I’ll never know – keep your poker voice while the game is in play, but when it’s all done you can let it out surely?!
I love it when a plan comes together – but it’s even better when that plan comes together out of nothing in about five minutes and suddenly you’ve sold 20Metric tons without blinking.
I remember like gospel my trades that set me rushing – the first fibre deal in Malawi, the 5 x 40ft merry go round in Vietnam, the Kenya D2 recipe, the Malay India discovery and boosting the Dempo BP2’s to Pakistan – but I bedone-seen about everytheen if I ever saw a better trade than the one that freaky bastard pulled off today.
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December 7, 2005
Get outta bed….
Top Ten waking up in the morning and facing the day tunes:- Paul Simon – Me and Julio
- Badly Drawn Boy - Once around the Block
- Feist – Mushaboom
- The Coral – In the Morning
- Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc
- Finlay Quaye – Sunday Shining
- Kings of Convenience - I’d rather dance with you
- Us3 - Cantaloop
- Mr. Scruff - Get a move on
- Billy Ocean – Get outta my dreams get into my car
Spo | December 7, 2005 | Comments
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December 7, 2005
Vaccination against inspiration?
I got back and read through the sunday times - always a good few hours worth of quality reading - one story stood out in particular - that of the possibility of vaccinations against of mind bending substances - that you could be injecting, snorting or smoking as much as you like - but the chemicals carrying their wily ways to infiltrate your brainwaves will be picked off like X-wings attacking the Death Star with its shields up - the high never gets to kick in - the gas to the ride is killed before it can begin. Now if we are talking about those that go over the edge - into the land of alcoholism and addiction - the destruction that can come from an over indulgence and in turn, a dedication to ruin - then yes, cracking idea - but the aspect of parents being able to vaccinate children against the effects of illegal substances? - this for me opens a huge kettle of fish - takes them out and puts them inside a can of worms - worms which are removed and then placed in the aforementioned kettle...... yeah, I never got those clichéd sayings either.... kettle of fish? what the fuck? it’s a “different kettle of fish”? why? what are fish doing in a fecking....
Spo | December 7, 2005 | Comments
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December 4, 2005
Scruffy back from big smoke
London - you gotta be there a long while to be local - find your way - know that overground like you know the underground - slowly you build up a knowledge like the taxi drivers - who have to take some sort of exam (the Knowledge) before they can get busy picking up passengers - such is the old century hap-hazard nature of design to the cities nooks and crannies - it’s not all neatly arranged with sensible design such as those grid referenced layouts you find in the major cities of North America - it’s all twisted around and overlapping, chopped and cut, going in one way and then filtering off in another - but the unpredictability is part of the charm I think.
Yet still it all seems pretty easy to get about for a city the size it is - as much of a mess that it looks from Google Earth it does have the basics running the show underneath - something seriously lacking in the big cities of Asia (witness that whole pollution slick making its way through the waterways of China at the mo) - it’s expensive - it’s crowded and prone to delay - but ultimately considering a place with that many people and so much going on - it works.
That’s kinda what I love about London the most - you can get pretty much anything you want out the place - and it’s hugely cosmopolitan - the mix of lingo’s, class and cultures cluttering just one tube carriage - going from Brick lane to Regent Street - Soho to Kingston - Brixton to Kensington - all the same city yet all very different places.
So far I only really know certain areas like the back of my hand - maybe 10% of what the city has to offer at most - I’ll always be discovering with every visit it seems - I know a few places very well on this earth - so much so that I have got them beat - want me to show you around Hanoi and I could point you in the right direction (with the aid of a taxi driver and a few bucks - I’m not the best driver and my sense of direction sucks) - but London I’m always going to be wearing L plates - and happy to do so.
(I do not have a ginger beard - it’s a feckin auburn tinge!)
Spo | December 4, 2005 | Comments
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December 1, 2005
Haircut! Haircut! Haircut!….
the doll was a right looker (the woman who performed the haircut was quite attractive)
den, when de lass woz done tinkering wid de blades, I had a riverdance at the picasso (once she had finished cutting my hair I looked in the mirror)
and stone the bleedin crows if me god damn barnet didn’t look like sodding roadkill !!!!! (I was certainly taken aback when I realised that my “curse in the name of the lord to extenuate my feelings” hairs appearance was not satisfactory and in fact resembled a dead animal whose death was caused by an interface with a vehicle moving at high speeds upon a highway)
I was feckin gutted! (I was most displeased – so much so it felt as though someone had removed my vital organs) 
I got me head-grass hacked today (haricut)
Spo | December 1, 2005 | Comments
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