King of the Monkey Butlers

November 30, 2005

Pappa Spo

For ten minutes around 530am Spo was a daddy today – for ten minutes I was debating the who, what, why, where of the whole situation and trying to get my head around the tangled mess of marriage across the time zones and borders and being a father far sooner than I ever expected to be…

Then I re-read Yuni’s text msg and realized that through a combination of unorthodox use of the English Language and being very bloody tired I’d misinterpreted and in fact she wasn’t pregnant after all.

Crikey moses – life would of got very bloody complicated all of a sudden if that ten minutes had turned out to be the rest of reality….

November 28, 2005

Girls really are preeeddddyyyy…..

I don't know whether any of you read Girls Are Pretty on a regular daily basis - but today it was fucking outstanding and it is always worth 5 mins of your surf time if it's not already a habit. Truly fuckass funny day brightening stuff every morning.

Spo | November 28, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Kaneheads Kompanion | Videos & Links

November 27, 2005

Mooki Spoo Laffed

It’s been a fairly eventful few days and I do feel like writing – although it is proper park ji sung at the moment – a famous footballer rhyming slang for “parky” – which is UK slang for “more than a bit cold” – which the UK is doing a very good job of being at the moment – but it’s feckin winter so what do folk expect exactly? Bunnies, rainbows and sweet summer morns?

I am back in the village again after my recent London and all day drinking experiences – Thursdays dinner was a stratospherically expensive expenses bashing meal for five people and was a massive success – excellent food, very cool restaurant, everyone got along famously and I might get some huge business out of it one day. Later on I reviewed what I said over the course of the meal and judged that only 30% of it sounded stupid – so that’s pretty good for me – you might think that 30% sounds like a lot – but when you consider that means 70% of what I said made me look like I knew what I was talking about, then I’m sure you’ll see the positives.

I was then charged with taking out my Canadian bosses son to show him the night sites of London – to be fair the lad had done the same for me whilst in Toronto and I still hold that cities charms in high regard as a result - we ended up at a private party courtesy of my good friend Gali – I was supposed to make sure my bosses son got into no trouble what so ever and was back in the hotel by 1am – I was fairly successful in this - it would’ve been kind of career threatening to have done otherwise.

Well he wasn’t that drunk – he did get back to the hotel eventually – and he didn’t get into any arguments with the boy friends of the women he was trying to chat up - but it was close.

The shindig was held at a fairly old skool kind of basement club called the Jam Bar, I met a 36 year old woman from Vancouver who looked like Meg Ryan and she has my number if she ever leaves the under-appreciative chap she lives with – I know she’s 36 because she told me she had been living here for 14 years and the easiest math for me to do was pronounce that means she would have been living here since she was 16 – I headed for the nearest ten and subtracted you see – if that makes sense – I mean you know, 29 minus 14 – that would take me time to think about – I’d look stupid – so I went for 30 – easier to do.

But of course for a woman to hear that I had guessed she was 29 rather than 30 – there’s a world of difference there – normally you don’t get involved with women and age – but her statement was an invite onto the subject – and sure, to hear I thought she was 30 when she was actually 36 – that’s a good thing to hear – but 29 or 28 would have been soooooo much better.

So much better to the point that if I had been better at math she would of called by now and we’d be married with twins on the way and looking to buy a farm in Devon.

After the club Gali and I hoovered a great deal of Colombian marching powder at the Farringdon Travel lodge and talked codshit for about 4 hours. That’s the first instance I’ve done that in a very long time – but as Obi Wan should of said – moderation is the key young Skywalker – just don’t make it a habit.

The next morning we headed back to the village – very difficult as the trains from Waterloo were absolutely fecked beyond belief – no one seemed to know when, where or if ever they would be running in our general direction again. Once home after a 1 hour journey had turned into 3, we decided to go our separate ways to sort ourselves out and then meet again for afternoon drinks – which turned into the rest of the day – which ended with me meeting a fine feisty Scots girl who once headbutted me (it was all a big misunderstanding about 5 years ago and apart from that we always got on really well – even if, at the end of the day, she is mental).

She now works as a stripper at Spearmint Rhino’s in Bournemouth. To say that I spent the whole conversation looking like a child at Christmas is quite an understatement.

Spo | November 27, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK

November 24, 2005

Just in time….

I got some big games ahead of me – I gotta go up to London and take a bunch of tea folk out to a classy Indian joint in Piccadilly called the Mint Leaf – Then I gotta meet up with Gali and get battered in innumerable locations across the big smoke until the early hours courtesy of his expense account – then, after staying in some overpriced dump yourself and die for a bit hovel, I am to awake, make my way home, get myself respectable and go see the lovely Beverley – after which it should be back up to big smoke and more innumerable rottenness over a two day period of gambling and karaoke.

This is the kind of thing I cannot do anymore once I move into a place with a mortgage and responsibilities.

So I’m doing it now before its too late.

Plus that whole going to Thailand for new year idea looks like a truly ridiculous thing to have agreed to now I’m in the cold hard light of day in the UK – a light shining upon the need for cash and saving and general sense and sensibility.

Lucky I already bought the ticket before any of that kicked in.

Spo | November 24, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Personal

November 21, 2005

Mushaboom

GRRRRR…… Wanted the world to leave me alone today – it was all simply too much trouble – waking on a minus temperature Monday – you breathe and your air sits there in front of you for a good 10 seconds – I started smoking again too – it’s the trains fault – late trains – they used to just give you a general idea – 5-10mins – now they have electronic boards to inform you the exact minute of arrival – the 8:13 will arrive at 8:15 exactly – but when they notice everyone looking in the opposite direction they sneak it up a bit – 8:17, 8:21 8:29 – after which the train announcer should really say “fuck it, late is late – once you are passed your intended arrival time you are late in the eyes of all – 5 minutes - 10 minutes – it’s all the same - you really only need to be concerned about getting to the point of no return – the point at which there is simply no reason to turn up anymore…. curse us train masters all you want – you’ll all be here tomorrow…”

I wish there was graffiti at the train station again – something to read in the event of it being too cold to have your hands out your pockets to read the sports page – and you’ve forgotten your I-pod – I walk the long walk back home each day – it seems so much further when you don’t have music – I walk pretty fast – I worry that I march and end up looking like those Olympic walkers – I wonder about those folk - you win gold but surely feel a little shamed – it’s the Olympics I know – but when you take the gold back home – you think there are people lining the streets when you return? A parade? A pub celebration even? you think kids boast about their parents winning the walking 15000metres? when folk ask them if they mean the marathon and the kids look a little embarrassed and say “no, the one where you aren’t allowed to actually run and they wiggle their butt around like a white man getting down to James Brown”.

When I left Jakarta the girl that never really said much at the gym finally said something - she’ll miss seeing me dancing on the cross trainer – I asked what on earth she was talking about - so she did an impression – I never realised that I’d been running to the music in such a style that made me look like a really busy Ian Brown from the Stone Roses – shuffling funky like a doped up monkey then suddenly flying when Paul Van Dyk kicked in…

I’m back in UK and noticeably starting to become a chunky butler again – I used to go to the gym three times a week and go on the bike a bit – then I met Yuni and took up drinking and staying out all night with a vengeance - now I’m back and have been indulging in many of the things that have to be paid for not only with money, but also exercise afterwards – if vodka and whisky were cheaper I wouldn’t be drinking beer again…. I would join up to the one in town on the way home but it’ll be Christmas soon – then off to Thailand – then they start handing out the January free memberships….I could be the size of the moon by then though....

What I need is a virus and tomato soup for three weeks.

Anna and I met up and saw the new place under construction – the chirpy sales person – or as Anna referred to him “a computer geek you’d trust your kids with” – offered us the choices of fixtures and fittings – it quickly dawned on everyone that I would have my apartment looking like a Buck Rogers set and a woman’s guidance was needed – she took control – I’m only allowed shiny door handles from my original selections – the whole ”magic lights that turn on and off on timers and suit the mood of choice” are out as well – every argument I put forward was met with the reasoning that I could save the money more wisely towards a big fuck off plasma telly with surround sound and all kinds of super doper infra red I-pod amp related boom box shit.

Boys and toys. Girls and fixtures and fittings.

Later on it was a night of future and past – we’re good together – her folks took us out to the Watership – man, I had a good steak and sank some drams of Tennessee – some fine red wine – tried to sound like I knew what I was talking about when it came to world affairs – sample quote:

“look if you poison folk, take away their livelihoods, give them no option but to work in the factory making cheap lighters, make it so that they need the kids to work alongside them instead of school – people get tired, poor, ill and angry – and then they blow shit up” and then shrug like that’s all there is to the subject of terrorism.

I can say things like that every once in a while and still retain my “one of the family” status though – I dance with her mother - talk tech with her father – I play DVD Trivial Pursuit – I make the tea.

Listened to Common later on – our heads lackadaisically bobbing to ”Go” - the day winding down – the fire burned and the wine was empty - we’ll always be like this with each other – always there, where ever there is – in one form of communication or another - lucky to be this cool in each others company – now is how it’s supposed to be, her and I.

We smoked cigarettes in the garden, saw more stars than we’ve seen perhaps in our whole 28 years, comfortably shared a silence and went our separate ways to bed.

Spo | November 21, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Personal

November 20, 2005

Not so grown up after all…

I’ll write a longer post later, but just to say that I woke this morning after last nights party not feeling too bad for someone who had destroyed a fair 90% of a bottle of Jack - I surveyed the area - I was in the right bed and I wasn’t still wearing the same clothes - I seemed to have all my keys, wallet, phone, money etc and also had avoided any personal injury - I also could pretty much remember everything that happened.

”This is progress” I thought ”first I buy a flat - now I wake up after a big night out and seem to have controlled myself - indeed I am becoming one of the grown up people”

Then my mother popped her head round the door to inform me that she had awoke at 5am to the smell of something burning - she went down stairs and saw the oven was on - which when opened unleashed plumes of black smoke into the kitchen and then revealed what seemed like a block of charcoal sitting on a baking tray.

That’ll be that pizza I put in and then forgot about and went to bed then.

Doofus.

Spo | November 20, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK

November 15, 2005

Just like that…

I don’t muck about when it comes to every day life it must be said - buying clothes, ordering food, deciding on where when and how for an evening, betting on horses that won’t win but have great names - decisive - that’s true of me if nothing else - apart from being decisive with women - although I did ask a girl out the other day - she was wearing a cool hat you see - she looked a bit like Joni Mitchell on the front of one my dads 70’s album covers - kinda like the kind of hat Cassie is wearing in the post a few below about devon - in fact I fell for an Indonesian girl in a band who was wearing impossibly short-shorts and she was wearing one of those type of hats - but in that case it may of been the short-shorts - but the hat definitely helped - I kind of like the idea of women in chef hats too - I always said ”Kylie Minogue, in the cake factory, wearing the chef hat - my kind of cluedo” and I stand by that....

anyways I bought a flat - sorry, that was what I am here to tell you - but I got distracted by the realisation that I do like a woman in a good hat - not any old hat - but you know, a detectives kind of hat - or a chefs hat - yes - those two - it’s not a fetish I don’t think - well I typed in ”woman in chef hat” on the internet super highway communication device and nothing came up as far as nak… anyways

SO yes! the flat! that’s a bit sudden isn’t it? well it was just a bloody good deal, a steal in fact - and it’s in a perfick place with valley views and not much noise - two mniutes near to trains, bars, restaurants and shops - very rentable and likely to go up in price as its in Winchester - which is a pricey place with limited development regulations and good connections to London - so if I work abroad again in the next few years I’ll have no probs.

It’s finished next spring and all manner of gubbins needs sorting as to choice of this and that - but they pretty much fit all the things you need in with the price - so all I have to do is get the wonderful women in my life to choose the colours, carpets, fixtures and fittings - women like doing these things I find - it’s like when we men get the latest issue of FHM and choose the top ten from 100 high street honeys or pick our fantasy football teams.

It will be a mighty effort on mortgage payments I suppose - but I’m savvy to saving and will get an interest only deal at first until I earn more.

I like the word savvy.

anyways - yes - I am a house owner - a proper grown up - not that you’d know from reading this I guess - or the real reasoning about deciding to buy:

Sturdy: it’s not so bad living with your folks you know
Spo: I know - a lot gets done for you and there’s always food in
Sturdy: yeah and it’s fecking cheap as - I mean what 200 quid a month? food, rent, bills.... you’re laughing
Spo: yes indeed
Sturdy: I’m in no rush right now - I’ve got my own space there
Spo: yeah but we’re 28 though...
Sturdy: yeah so what? plenty of folk live with their folks later in life these days - in the past the only young people that bought houses were the ones who got married.
Spo: yeah but it isn’t the way forward to be 28 and still inviting girls back to your parents place to take things on a bit - I mean women want to meet your folks as one of their little chalk points for signs of commitment - but not that early… like first night early…
Sturdy: don’t tell them until breakfast?
Spo: I need to get my own place quickly

Spo | November 15, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Personal

November 12, 2005

“where’s my double Vodka I ordered?” - “Sorry sir, it seems your duck escaped out to sea”

Because living on your own means being allowed to walk around butt naked, never locking the bathroom door, cooking in your pants and always finding things were you left them - I’m going house hunting today.

Apparently some pension tax related gubbins comes into effect in March next year that means folk can include property they rent in their personal pension - therefore house prices are set to rise despite being in some what of a buyers market at the moment.

I don’t really know too much about things like these - pensions, investments, stocks, shares, houses, renting, tax relief etc etc - they should teach it in school - but I do know plenty of folk who do that I trust - so I stick to my moral of if ”you don’t know much about it ask someone that does and watch what they do”.

This is the principle behind how I eventually want to end up owning a bar by the lake in Malawi - I’ll invest/help out/drink in a bar run by a very good friend out there and then pick up what I need to know to hook a place of my own.

Early ideas include a bamboo waterway running the circumference of the bar - tables nearby will be allocated numbered rubber ducks who will have clipper beaks - inside these clipper beaks patrons may place their scribbled drinks and food orders - then the duck is placed in the water way and will merrily float its way to the barman who shall then bring across their order and bring their tables duck back.

Ducks have to negotiate obstacles like water falls, whirlpools, rocks and the bar cat called “Bo” who shall try to foil their journey out of spite and mean spirited playful interest. Ducks will have one chance to escape should fate dictate your order was never supposed to be - one channel will allow them to escape out into the blue yonder of lake Nyasa.

Hopefully the ducks make it though, meaning folk will never have to get up for anything and can loaf the day away in hammocks watching the sunset.

Sure I could hire a waitress or two - but then we’d just be like every other bar in the world.

Blogger family please advise me on what else you want to see featured apart from a rubber duck ordering system.

I am quite serious.

November 7, 2005

I take it all back…

I wrote yesterdays post over the weekend and then just uploaded it once I (finally) got home on Sunday - since then more has happened to put things in perspective and in retrospect I sound like something of an arrogant whining little shit in the previous post - I could edit but in all honesty maybe sometimes I am an arrogant whining little shit who sometimes should appreciate his good fortune, so I guess I should leave it.

Life is good, I am lucky, England has many plus points and is a damn site more organised than fecking Jakarta - you can breathe and drink the water for starters, my family are wonderful, specially my Gran who just had a stroke but has come out of it as she did two world wars - tough as old boots - my friends are califragafeckinglistically good people and a night watching football taking the Mickey and slipping back in the old routine was definitely needed - the especially califragilistic award goes to Anna who I spoke to via the miracle of telephonic device for a good stretch this evening and reminded me of why it is she was the one person I really needed to see when I got off the plane last week.

Even work with the fuckwit people wasn’t too bad today.

So although the below was mostly true and representative of how I felt at the time - it’s good to be back.

Tomorrow may be completely different however.

Cassie finds the perfick stone in Devon

Spo | November 7, 2005 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Personal

November 2, 2005

The Last Jakarta Dawn…… ?

This was all shot after Yuni and I were awoke at 5am by my brother from another mother Barnes - usually 5am phone calls freak the hell out of me, as to ring at such a time it must be bad news - but Barnes just hadn't got his head round the whole 6 hour difference from UK - yes, I've been away for 3 years..... he's still not got it... bless im.....

But in the end I woke to see the above in stages over the next hour or so.... Yuni and I stood out there on the balcony watching as Jakarta brewed up for my last day....

Shall miss my Jakarta Dawns....and the company I watched them with.