John Dahls 1994 darkly comic, hot-as-hell, noir twister has a stand out career performance from the eminently fuckable Linda Fiorentino as Bridget - the ultimate siren in black - she is the lady you always wanted, that never wanted you - a steel stiletto cold hard calculating bitch of note - if you can get her attention for 5 seconds then you feel that you must be playing a better tune than all the other musicians that tried their luck - and this fills you with misguided confidence and pride - and that is exactly how she wants you to feel - now she will turn the screw and get what she wants and you won’t even know there is a game going on.

Mike: I’m trying to figure out whether you’re a total fucking bitch or not.
Bridget: I am a total fucking bitch.

Who better to fall for it hook line and sinker than a good ol Mike - played by a truly believable slapworthy turn from Peter Berg as an over confident cowpoke who thinks life is exactly like those womens magazines preach when it comes to what a woman really wants. It is very entertaining watching this guy get completely fucked over unawares.

Bridget: You’re my designated fuck.
Mike: What if I don’t want to be?
Bridget: Then I’ll designate someone else.

Add to this a supremely seedy n’ snarling Bill Pullman playing quality more in line with his Daryl from Zero Effect than his embarrassing lets-pretend-to-be-patriotic-president from Independence day - also add the always welcome JT Walsh doing a decent impression of shitbag lawyer and mix together in a super schmooth crime tale that never lets you find the sign for the next stop - bring it all together and you have one hell of a fucking movie.

Frank Griffith: Did anyone check you for a heartbeat?

Overlayed by a sultry Jazz score, Dahls smooth direction drips cool - darkly lit, nothing flashy - lets the story and the characters soak it up - doesn’t treat you like a popcorn-munching-multi-screen-event-movie-numb-nut when it comes to explaining the plot, yet makes sure you have all the information.

Every time you sit in for a Dahl movie you are more or less guaranteed to be going somewhere worthwhile on the wrong side of the law - early films Kill me Again (with Val Kilmer when he was good) and Red Rock West (with Nic Cage when you could stand him) are also little masterpieces - while Rounders (with an excellent Ed Norton and a Team America style Matt Damon) is severely underrated and Joy Ride (aka Road Kill) is suitably enjoyable B-movie Hitcher/Duel style fare as well.

Berg was obviously paying attention to Dahl and went on to direct the over the top yet still refreshingly dark n’ nasty Very Bad Things and more recently the quality small town Billy Bob starring US football tale Friday Night Lights - he’s got talent and is one to watch for his next movie as a director.

Fiorentino makes the film though - she couldn’t be put up for an Oscar as the film aired on TV first - also maybe the Academy wouldn’t have the balls to give it to such a risqué performance - but she is truly worthy - she would of been up against Jessica Lange in ”Blue Sky” (who won), Jodie Foster in ”Nell”(!), Miranda Richardson in ”Tom and Viv”, Winona Ryder (!) in “Little Women” and Susan Sarandon in ”The Client” - if you watch any of those films and then tell me Fiorentino doesn’t do a better job by a country fucking mile then you need to stop taking crack.

She tried to carry on the manner of the role with the fairly awful Joe Eszterhas abomination Jade - a film that thought David Caruso was going to go from NYPD blue to superstar and added sex, guns, car chases and Basic Instinct style plot logic - it sucked the boils on the ass of the Devils Donkey.

Since then she appears every so often, but nothing touches her performance here - perhaps it’s because it may be too close to the real deal - she won her role in Men in Black during a poker game with director Barry Sonnefeld and Kevin Smith admitted to regretting hiring her for Dogma as he found her so difficult to work with.

Japan – suave grey haired little fella pulls a fast one over the postal service allowing more reforms – great – new and interesting sushi and yet more wacky cartoon porn on the way perhaps.

Germany – no one knows who’s in charge? Well I’m sure they’ll figure it out in the end and they don’t need my input – German efficiency comes a clutter – lo and behold - just as long as the Nazi’s don’t win again I’m happy for anyone to get the job – see you for the football next year.

Bloody Bird Flu – aha – this one is slightly closer to home – down the road in fact - as the source of the commotion, the local zoo in Jakarta, has been sealed off and 4 people are dead with 9 in treatment and a few more rumored. I tell you this – if there is one country you don’t want in charge of containing the spread of a nasty killer virus – it’s Indo-bloody-nesia – nobody has a couple of clues to rub together in this country.

Vietnam I wasn’t worried – those guys have got it locked – sure, a few folk died – but if it broke, I’d bet on the Viets to get it sorted out pretty quick – they get the job done in Vietnam - Indonesia however (to quote Hanh) “I wouldn’t trust as far as I can throw it away from me” – really, these people will fuck this up big time should someone cough in the wrong direction.

The problem in Asia (notably China, Vietnam, Cambodia, Indo) is they really love their Chicken (KFC is huge and McDonalds doesn’t know what a quarter-pounder is out here – they are all about the nuggets) – unfortunately they don’t know how to look after their poultry in a clean, sanitary, “cook it properly doofus and don’t feed them any old crap you find lying around” type of way – and everyman and his dog (if the dog hasn’t been eaten yet) can look after a few chickens to help provide for the family (eggs also very popular) – so they are everywhere – it’s not like you can contain them with a bit of fencing and start chopping off heads.

And the folk in the know –WHO? - pesky scientists, that’s who – when they aren’t mastering the art of buttered bread landing butter side up and throwing cats out of windows to see if they land on all fours – these guys are saying that this is going to turn into a nasty bastard of a cold anytime soon and anyone young, old and poor hasn’t got a cat in hells chance (although where that phrase comes from I don’t know – why a cat? Why not.. I don’t know… a donkey? a cat has got more chance in hell than a donkey, right?)

Anyways – there are 212million people in Indonesia – there are probably 12-14million people in Jakarta – the Gov says they have only 10,000 antidotes – there are probably 10,000 people or more working for the government (hmmm…) - meanwhile the other governments around the world are saying “so how much is this vaccine going to cost again? Ouch! that much!? Well….” – remember the scene in Fight Club when the narrator informs us that if the cost of a recall for unsafe vehicles is more than the probable cost of the lawsuit, then they don’t do one?

Narrator: A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now, should we initiate a recall?

Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don’t do one.
Buiness woman: Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?

Narrator: You wouldn’t believe.
Buiness woman: Which car company do you work for?
Narrator: A major one.

Don’t fool yourself that this attitude doesn’t apply to Bird Flu – after all when the dust settles on the Kartina crisis you can bet someone looked at improving the levee’s there and came up with the same kind of thinking…. (% chance of it happening x % cost of likely death and destruction = greater than cost of levee’s and preventaive reconstruction for a city full of non republican voters?)

So that’s the news…and that’s the scenario coming in on a general every day basis right? Did I miss anything? Terrorism perhaps – well there’ll always be someone, somewhere, pissed off about something and they can all blow shit up if they look into it hard enough – just hope you aren’t around when they decide to do so (Jakarta seems to be on a permanant alert)

I look at all of the above and wish that Bill Hicks was still with us to comment on it – although if you listen to any of his diatribes against Bush Mark-1 they pretty much apply to the second cloned version to roll off the numb-nut production line.


Still, I miss Bill Hicks.

As he wisely once said “can you calm down on your rutting just for a couple of seconds until we’ve figured out this whole food air deal?” – he’s right - there’s too many of us fucking each other far too often - physically and metaphorically - and while everyone is chasing membership to the mile high club no one is flying the plane.

The above summarises are all pub logic rhetoric that really need more time and back up fact checking I guess (all linked via headers), but they pretty much summarise how I feel on matters and I don’t see how I can influence or change anything – I have more selfish closer to home issues to think about:

– like selling and buying tea - moving back to the UK - girl in Vietnam in the arranged marriage baby scenario - girl in Indonesia where things are getting too serious late in the day - girl in Uk that I’m going to have to have to be straight up about the way I feel - mad girl I have not seen since 18 but would like to again - wanting to go parachuting - the duck billed platypus - Halo 2 on nightmare level - getting round to reading all those books - New Years Eve - UK tax office trying to rob me - buying a house - buying a car - weddings - waiting for the Wire season 3 - gasping at how shit 24 season 4 is - enjoying my Lazy-boy chair - hoping Kylie Minogue is alright - finding new and interesting places to get drunk - finding new and interesting ways to get drunk - finding new and interesting ways to recover from hangovers - fighting off the effects of alcohol by paying for it running a lot and therefore hovering in the middle of not quite healthy yet not quite dying - wondering when Liverpool will win the premier league again - were did the dinosaurs go? - Monkeys - the mystery of women - the mystery of women and too many bags & shoes - never getting bored of Vanilla ice cream - especially when combined with women - regretting that England are probably not going to win the world cup and it’s too late to do anything about it - getting by with no ability at math what so ever - listening to the remixed Bloc Party & the desirable Feist & the acoustic Foo Fighters & the new Eels & the old Shins - a lot - new Zombie films - wanting to be Ron Burgundy - new things to put on pizza - being a bad driver and avoiding ever having to park properly - mastering the force when wasted - finding and drinking secret wine - developing my whisky ability - dance offs - writing till I run out of page - taking photo’s of the dawn till I run out of film - damn fine restaurants - remembering to talk to my family back home once in a while and most of all blogging.


You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world - The Narrator - Fight Club

Yes I know I’ve got to try and be more than the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world and those concerns listed are somewhat superficial in places, but as I’ve explained – it seems like no one is flying the plane – you get so disillusioned by it all – dangerously apathetic – there’s people I respect and admire out there making the noise needed to fight what they can – but I won’t be marching with them as my brother did round London - in the end I focus on what you can influence rather than wasting time on battles that can’t even be fought, never mind won.

Show me the sign to the doorway that says I can make a difference to any of those situations mentioned and I’ll follow it if I believe in where it’s going to lead me – but I don’t think the sign will say polling station – I think it will say “Moon Emigration – this way” so until then I won’t be watching the news so much, I’ll be getting on with caring about the people closest to me, making good use of the time I have, trying to enjoy myself while on the planet and doing unto others as I’d want them to do to me - trying not to be an asshole - lord knows the world has enough of them.

For business in Vietnam you had to learn very early on that if someone said “yes” it often meant “No” (they had answered too quickly but didn’t want to disappoint) - and more or less by the same rule, if they “can” do something it actually means only 50% - “maybe” means 80% (shows they are actually thinking about it) and only “sure” or “exactly” are 100%. Leading to many problems as I’m sure you can imagine – once you learn vital Vietnamese word for “100% exactly” you can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel called twaddle.

Out and about little things like replying to “how are you?” with “Not dead yet” inspire smiles and coming out with similar phrases helps you to assimilate and put folk at ease. Tri said that “Don’t tell girls they are good looking, tell them they look young” and this never failed to make any Vietnamese woman joyous in a “oh behave” kinda way - all of whom then enquire if I am thinking of getting married in Vietnam and try to set up a meeting with their daughter etc. which is one of the reasons Hanh always said “I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you away from me” – Vietmam was indeed a land of opportunity.

For the likes of Duong (Mr.Fix it in the pic) and Hanh, English seemed to be the same to them as their native tongue – well in so far as they understand the meaning if not the feeling at times. Tri, or Tricket (in honour of his deviousness and his likeness to Wicket from Jedi), had a few problems, usually depending on how fast his brain wanted to work that day. However, he didn’t say “yes” all the time like Bach and always asked “what you say?” if he didn’t understand – he did come out with this a lot though. Sometimes it could be very frustrating and if was in one of my more sadistic moods I’d start talking very fast in a deep Scottish brogue or Scouse drunken Irish - that really freaked him out.


(Whilst we were driving)
“This is Rut Rut”
“No, this is a roundabout”
“No, my teacher say that this is rut rut”
“Is he an English teacher”
“Yes”
“He’s from England?”
“No”

“Ah! Well, who do you think is right then?”
“maybe you”
“Believe me I’m right – it is called a roundabout – not a rut rut”
“what is rut rut?”
“Tri, I don’t think there is such thing as a rut rut, – you can say that you are “stuck in a rut” – as in a hole that you cannot get out of – a bit like this conversation”
“What is this - here (pointing) – the name?”
“This is called a cross roads”
“but....”
“before you ask – no, this does not mean that the road is angry.....”