King of the Monkey Butlers

April 1, 2008

Parents arrived africa….

I’ve been a tad useless with the regularity of writing of late - getting into the groove of things again requires spare moments of the day - now the folks are here in Africa for the first time - lost luggage, dirty dusty dirt roads, wandering aimless folk and goats all over the place, baking hot sun, breakdowns, power cuts...... welcome to Africa Mum and Dad....

Sent to test us - all at once?

How the gods conspired to create such misfortune over one 12 hour period I don’t know - some serious planning and meeting of mischievous minds methinks - I’m trying to say that bring the day and the light and all will be different - yet all I can hear are the subtle insinuations that life out here is a mistake and I should get myself back across the waters and find my way back in into the rat race.

Of course this the holiday when judgement shall be passed upon my decision to ditch it all and uproot to the dark continent with little or no gaurentee that my future will fit together as perfectly as the western world planned it would - question at the end of it all is:

Does anyone else’s approval really matter? free to make my mistakes and my fortunes as I please I tell myself.

However, in the end I see the same things they see and can appreciate their angle of choice as well.

I’m not convinced it’s the future as of yet either.

But it’s certainly the here and now.

So they should kick back and enjoy, drink a G&T and savour the sunsets.

and Let me worry about the future, not them.

But that’s why they’re parents, right? judge and worry......

Sent to test us!.....

....and love us all the same.

Spo | April 1, 2008 | Comments

March 19, 2008

Heading to the big Wknd…..

It’s not so much the celebration of the re-birth of Christ as more or a 5 day partying marathon - it’s Easter - and in Malawi that means no work on Friday or Monday & everyone is in the country and at the lake - and this wknd most of the people doing so will be with us at Gecko Lounge.

Expecting more than 300 people we will probably be busier than New Year and therefore the list of things to do are as follows:

• Build a Braii for Saturdays Carlsberg Beach Braii.
• Build a volleyball court.
• Buy another 500 beers so we walk in with 2000 in stock.
• Fix Carlsberg Fridge that blew up last night - persuade them to steal one from the Reggae Bar down the road to replace it.
• Find mattress and bedding for 6 people as we have 19 in a dorm fit for 11, 6 people in a chalet fit for 4 and 4 people in the other chalet.
• Fix up dodgy planks near DJ booth so we do not send enthusiastic dancers through the floor on Saturday.
• Put in bamboo & Reed walls around the captains table.
• Get part sent from South Africa for the ice machine and then get technicians to fix it! (not likely)
• Make lots of ice then.....
• Fix lighting and locks on toilets so people stop peeing on the floor all the time while folk walk in on them.
• Fix the hinges and re-hang the main gate so people can actually get in to the bar with their car.
• Fix the gate to the backyard staff private area so everyone stops wandering into the land of the broken bits and pieces all the time.
• Paint and fix sign for toilets so everyone stops wandering into Paul’s room all the time.
• Find small carpenter fellow and get shelving put in DJ booth.
• Find tall electrician fellow and get him to fix up lighting in the DJ booth.
• Buy a new Amp that can handle 4 speakers and won’t cut out every five minutes.
• Find and rescue Kevin from J’brg to Blantyre trip from hell and then get him a lift to the lake.
• Find and rescue mini-crouch from J’brg to Blantyre trip from hell and then get him a lift to the lake.
• Get DJ Lomwe a CD mixer & get him a lift to the lake.
• Get a new DSTV decoder from South Africa and get it to the lake so we can watch Liverpool Vs Man Utd on Sunday.
• Get Big Huge Baby eating Bouncers from Blantyre up here.
• Hire police for the night as well.
• Get Speaker cable and mend that big speaker by the bar.
• Getting plumbers to fix the toilet that someone managed to break last time we had a big one at the weekend - how does someone crack a ceramic toilet bowl???

eeeeessssshhhhhh

Spo | March 19, 2008 | Comments

March 15, 2008

Back in the Game….. Mawa maybe

Indeed I have missed writing - yet with such changes and upheaval over the last 6 months I’ve had no time to indulge - I figured the best thing was to get things in order, find the pace and play of the day, get comfortable and then with the main Gecko lounge site redesign start afresh - with a bit of a refit of this site as well - and so the “lackadaisical lounge” becomes “days at the lake” - the trials tibulations and general tomfoolery of running a beach bar in Africa - bit of a drastic change to the former world of tea tasting, I trust you’ll agree.

With everything now falling into place and all I must do is dedicate time each day or so to sit and type and see where it takes me - as I used to do while living in the lands of Nam, indo, Holland & UK etc - a good break from reality every so often and an invaluable record of my time here to look back on over the years to come.

So back I am and changed for the better - plenty to tell - but all in good time - malawi time is such that indeed it will get done - and while when is the question - that it will happen there is no doubt.

Zikomo.

Spo | March 15, 2008 | Comments

September 28, 2007

This is officially the last day before the rest of my life…….

I’ve been up down all around over and under these last few fantatstic weeks in the UK - pretty much caught up with all I could, competed with Lucy on meet the parent style gatehrings of note, bought all that was needed for Gecko, drew lines under all financial obligations and signed all necessary forms to enable my escape: Flight booked for 730pm this evening - arrive Malawi mawa morning - a Malawi Gin bottle or two will be empty Saturday evening for sure-sure.

Busta Rhymes John will be there to collect us in the new Spo Mobile and then we head off to the Lake, Gecko Lounge and the future.

So many plans so much to say - and once settled atfer Lake of Satrs on October the 5th, I’ll be back writing again on a regular basis from the shores of lake Malawi too.

Take care to all those I’ll be leaving - and heads up to all those I’ll be seeing soon - no longer an international tea taster, now a full time beach bar running sunshine monkey.

Bringing forth further escapades & adventures of note.

Spo | September 28, 2007 | Comments

August 22, 2007

This is officially my last ever day as a Tea Taster……

Crikey Moses.

Definitely no turning back now.

August 9, 2007

Freshly Ground at the Paradiso….

At the Paradiso in Amsterdam Funky new phenomenon from South Africa, Freshly Ground (click) cooked up something very special for a dutch crowd that was hard to impress, but very much won over by the end.

The Paradiso isn’t huge but it’s big enough for about 800-1000 or so I think if they had the balcony area open up top - early doors it was about half full on the floor which swelled to 3/4 once they got going - dutch crowds are hard work to impress - don’t let themselves go too much - even at the Chemical brothers when that kind of behaviour is more or less mandatory - Here though Freshly Ground definitely won them over - huge applause and reaction at the end for the encore - lots of people dancing - band seemed like they were not expecting it to be that big either, they genuinely loved that people knew the words and the songs despite the fact they’re still not that well known in this part of the world.

Zolani’s amazing voice filled the room and the whole bands love of performing and the music really came across - they’re big personalties and so talented live - so many instruments and the dance sequences got that OK!GO! off the cuff vibe to them - so much energy - the bass player looks like an overwieght zany surfer dude but he really went for it - best part was during “Do-Be-Do” (video below) when the keyboard baldy guy comes out and dances with the two girls - really went for it with the right amount of reality (ie: you could see it’s not really reheraresed to perfection but they know where each others going).

They played “Mowbray Kap” and gave a big shout out for Malawi - that was the biggest tune of the night actually in terms of response - “Do-Be-Do” was class as well - and some of the new stuff sounds excellent if not quite up to how much I love Nomvula - but then it’s all about repeat listening and ascociations you have with the music I think - once the new album is out in Sep we’ll get it for the travel round UKand lake of stars and probably fall in love with it as much.

I spoke to them afterwards - and told one of the two girls about Gecko and how they had to come to malawi and play lake of stars - she gave me the details of her management who we would have to contact and book through - so hopefully if we get freindly with the lake of stars people this coming October we can put them in touch for next year - also could maybe get them at the French Cultural Centre - Think Gecko may be a stretch too far though!!!! would be so good if we could.... best way to see them would be in Africa with the sun shining and dancing all around.

Below is their vid for their biggest smash so far and a real floor filler - “Do-Be-Do”.

They do deserve to be huge - don’t think anyone could be disappointed if they bought “Nomvula” - you seriously check them out.

Spo | August 9, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - Holland | Film / TV / Music

August 7, 2007

Absinthe makes the heart grow wronger……

Never have I been so sick, so much in such a short space of time - Absinthe is now a mortal foe far more feared than any other potent alcoholic shot of death - I thought the Flaming Lamborghini was bad (rum/tequila/sambuca/amarula - on fire and via a straw in all of 4 seconds) but Absinthe takes the full packet of biscuits now - and it tastes as bad as it is potent as well - an asinine acidic punch to the throat - it’s said to be 82% proof and hallucinogenic - I was seeing stars.

After the second shot no one from the group of five partaking can remember anything else from the evening - collective memory loss all round - only Anna could piece together events - wasted though she was it was still her job to try and look after me - I was in a mess you see - no food all day unless you count a piece of bread for a flyby brekkie and a few calamari rings in the bar - I arrived late thanks to Eurostar and tried to make up for lost drinking time in the only way I know how - order doubles and drink them quickly.

Absinthe arrived soon after - a bravado drink if ever there was one - from reading up on it you’re supposed to dilute with water or mix with sugar - something to do with flames etc - that makes it more palatable - it’s not best to just down the hatch - which is what we did.

Faces of Anguished horror abounded - safe to say nobody was really expecting the evil now within us - a cooling off period was padded out with Tequila, Sambuca and everyone’s usual’s like my double JD’s and coke - eventually some Moonbat bought another round of Absinthe though - the same faces gathered - certainly a little more reluctantly than last time - glasses chinked - down in one.

Not quite

This time I coughed as it went down - and we all know what happens when you cough while drinking - it comes back out through your nose - that was a deep burn I tell you - Nasal passages awash with Absinthe - the horror - the burn - I’d not felt this bad since the Indonesian wasabi incident when I found out that the big glob of green stuff I’d just wolfed was not some form of strange freaky butter.

To make matters worse the absinthe runs out of my nose and back into my mouth - like doing the same shot twice in all of a few seconds - not good.

When things like that happen to you, the best thing to do is take a minute and compose yourself and then ease off the gas and get some water inside you before things go too far into the world of the wrong - too late - the body would normally have begun to take automatic precautions against further damage by implementing the vomit programme - expel the evil - but the body was still reeling from the whole absinthe out the nose incident and was not sure what the fuck had just happened - this allowed the moonbat in me to take over and pour more fuel on the fire in the form of the usual alcoholic riders of the blackout apocalypse - Sambuca, Tequila and Vodka - when the body got its bearings back, the effect was instantaneous - STOP! It’s Chin Loss Time!

One minute you’re having a conversation - well, attempting one anyway - and the next you’ve got a mouth full of sick - bit shoots out the corner of your mouth - but for the most part you’re about as golden as you can get in such a situation - exit stage right and get your monkey ass to a porcelin god - start praying.

Luckily the bar staff didn’t see - I have a snapshot recollection of this event - couple of images - nothing more - Anna was the witness - I didn’t feel proud as she regaled the tale - but she assured me there was worse to come.

There was.

Once the cacophony of gibbons making up our group had been removed from the bar, we attempted taxi hailing and after a lot of lucking out managed to persuade one foolish individual that we were worth a shot at the title - must of been a slow night and he needed to up the takings, so ended up risking it.

Bad move.

Apparently I opened the door of the taxi as it slowed - hurled like a champion - and then followed the vomit right out the cab door - landed in my own sick - bust my knee and rolled into the path of oncoming traffic.

Saved from death I was, but taxi driver had seen enough and a compromise of dropping us in clapham at Georges was reached instead.

I imagine it was probably this point at which I was nothing more than a liability to my friends and in particular Anna, whose house in Kingston we were heading back to at the time - there’s a few times I can pick out during all the time I’ve known her (19 years) where she would probably of been considering the continuation of our friendship - one is when I was so far gone on Tequila that I upchucked over her net curtains in Bournemouth before trying to bite people who tried to assist me - another is when I lost track of time having a hangover breakfast with Coops up in Edinburgh and, because Anna is a true friend and didn’t want to leave without me, consequently made us all miss our flight back to London which was then followed by an Easyjet classic 15 hour delay - 15 hours - you can’t ever say sorry enough for that - there’s nothing you can do or say that’s going to alter the fact that the reason everyone is sitting in a departure lounge for 15 hours is the fact you, and you alone, are a massive idiot of galactic proportions.

I think this particular Absinthe Friday may now be added to the list.

Especially when they managed to get me into the house and I threw up all over Georges floor - the deluge of which Anna stemmed with one G’s saucepans.

I was put to bed - fell out of bed - made new bed out of Dave Jenkins washing on the floor - people tried to put me back in the bed - I tried to bite them - eventually I was overpowered and passed out.

Next morning I awoke to find Bear lying next to me in a bed and room I did not recognise - I quickly realised that I had no idea about how I had got here or what had happened from around midnight onwards - nor whose T-shirt it was I was now wearing.

Minds were more or less blank when it came to fellow Absinners Bear, G and Lockey (who had thought his car had been stolen so drunkenly argued with police until they established it had in fact been towed - was going to cost him 260 quid - and was now in Milwall) - I had no idea what happened to Barnes whose birthday it was - he must of been lost in the ether.

Absintheless Anna explained what had gone on - none of it good basically.

My knee was in the first stages of swelling to balloon proportions and my head felt like brass band playing mice on amphetamines had infiltrated my brain - and I smelled pretty bad - good night then.

Perhaps Anna decided it’s too late to change the friends you have for life and so therefore is still speaking to me.

Absinthe makes the heart go wronger - never ever, ever again.

Sorry Anna - I will indeed make it up to you one day. Promise.

Spo | August 7, 2007 | Comments
Blogging | Daily Life - UK | Kaneheads Kompanion

August 2, 2007

Kill it! Kill it! Die! Die!

text rcvd around 6pm: “I have a MAHUSIVE spider in the kitchen and I’m laughing coz I know you’d be saying “Oh Fuck Me! he’s a big one, no! use a proper shoe not a flip-flop, Kill it! Kill it! Die! Die!” and other equally stupid things whilst dancing about like a muppet..... awwww… x”

She doesn’t appreciate how bad my arachnaphobia actually is...............

and that Spiders have eight legs and eight eyes....

FUCKING EIGHT OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!

August 1, 2007

Sitting on the dock of the Bay…..

The American Millionaire (JT Walsh) sat on the docks next to the Mexican fisherman (Cheech Marin) as he tied his nets....

What’ll you do now?
Well I’ll tie up things here on the boat – take my catch to market – go home early afternoon and play with my kids – enjoy my wife’s cooking

Nah, Nah, Nah – you don’t want to do that – you want to work the rest of the morning – catch more fish and spend the whole afternoon in the market and let your wife take care of the kids.... tell me my twirly mustached munchachou - what else you do with your day?
Well after my wife and I eat, I go to the bar play guitar and drink Tequila with my friends
Nah Nah Nah – you don’t want to do that – you want to go jogging – do some exercise get to bed early – alcohol is really bad for you – your friends are holding you back
Really?
Yeah – look here’s what you should be doing Ok? You make enough money at the market to hire another guy to run the stall – then you get back in that boat and do some more fishing for the whole of the day instead of only the morning
Uh-huh
Yeah then when you double your loads for the day you save up enough to buy another boat and hire another guy to go fish using it – take the catch to the market – pay him a wage

Oh really
Yeah and then you work towards getting a whole bunch of boats – all working for you – and all bringing the catch to the market – but there aint enough room anymore
There isn’t ?
Nah – so you gotta own the market – buy all the stalls
All of them?
Yeah and then you start getting refrigerated vans to run around – sell home delivery – start supplying fishmongers within the drive range – get all the ordering set up on the internet
Uh-huh – what’ll happen then?

Well then you start selling to super markets across Mexico
And then?
Then you go international – selling to the big U S of A,‘cross the pond
And then?
Well by then your company is running the show as far as Mexican fish goes – you got the boats, the markets, the vans, the supermarkets and the international name building a reputation – so you put that company in the big leagues – stocks and shares
Well then what?
Well then you sell my little slightly toasted Mexican friend – you sell all the shares and walk away with a fortune

Uh-huh – sounds like a lot of work – guess I’ll be pretty tired by the end of it all – what happens once the company is sold?
Well my little burrito chomping compadre, then you can do a bit of fishing, spend some time playing with your kids, put them to bed, eat a good meal with your wife, maybe get that guitar of yours and go play some tunes down at the bar, drinking tequila with your friends……

Spo | August 1, 2007 | Comments
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